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Episode 6 was written by Ben Dickson. Check out more of his work here.

The NHL's real priorities

Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks of All Time Roundup Roundup.

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While real journalists go out and “interview” people and “write things down,” today’s media sources have taken to commenting on existing material. Every April 1, one can expect to find hundreds of run-downs of “The Greatest April Fool’s Day Pranks of All Time!” Here at The Fake News, we think this is bullshit. Journalism doesn’t get a day off. How hard is it to just compile a list of things from the internet and add a few comments?

To bring attention to this unacceptable practice, here are a few of the round-ups making the rounds this year.

1. The Vancouver Sun – The Sun is cheating even more than usual. All they have done is provide a link to a pre-existing video listing the greatest April Fool’s Day pranks. Do some work!

2. Trendy Gamers – This site lists the top ten video game related pranks of all time. What they fail to mention is that this caveat places the overall ranking of these pranks down around 15,000-30,000 in the “overall pranks” rankings.

3. V101.9 FM – The now-standard “Why do original content, let’s just embed some YouTube clips in an article and go out drinking” technique.

4.


5. Random Perspective - You have to hand it to this guy. He was able to find pranks that nobody else is reporting.

 

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Mitt Romney's New Book Cover Leaked

 

Newt Gingrich Threatens to Leave Race Unless America Agrees to Open Presidency

[caption id="attachment_1069" align="alignright" width="314" caption="Gingrich's next book cover"][/caption]

After Rush Limbaugh calls America "sick," Newt Gingrich begins looking for other presidencies.

South Carolina -

A presidential primary becoming known for its galvanic swings of support behind each candidate took another turn today, as news broke that Newt Gingrich, now considered a possible genuine threat to a Mitt Romney nomination, is quietly looking into running for the presidency of other countries.

The reports followed a diatribe by popular radio host Rush Limbaugh, who said, “This country is sick. President Obama, if that is his real name, has been systematically destroying this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has a few years left to live, if that.”

While this news may surprise some, those who have been following the news about Mr. Gingrich’s private life have been expecting it.

In 1981 Mr. Gingrich divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. In 2000, he divorced his second wife, who had recently been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

“After hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Newt began asking other countries if they were interested in him being their president,” said a Gingrich campaign official, speaking anonymously. “He’s been running Mexico on a trial basis, but he wants to wait for a commitment from them before dropping out of the US race.”

New Rick Santorum Book Cover Leaked

Newt Gingrich Book Cover Leaked

Herman Cain Book Cover Leaked

Letters from the Editor - Occupy Wall Street

[caption id="attachment_1041" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="by Dick Cashman, WTFN Owner"][/caption]

I’ve heard about these Occupy Wall Street protesters mulling around the streets of New York. I say I’ve heard because I have not personally seen them since I commute via helicopter.

Supposedly they are upset because they can’t find a job. I guess they’re not looking very hard. I find it hard to have sympathy for these unemployed people when I’ve always found it easy to find a job.

What’s my secret, you ask? I just ask my father. It’s very simple. In fact, you only need six words to get a job.

“Dad, can I have a job?”

If you add a seventh word, “please,” he will even let you pick what type of job you want to do. One time I forgot to say “please,” and he made me owner of the Cleveland Indians.

Man, what a lousy job.

Taking a break

Don't worry, The Fake News is not going away permanently. I just don't have the time right now to both update the site regularly as well as work on our first web series. You will likely still see site updates, but more infrequently than the last year or so. Thanks for your support, and I hope to be back updating more regularly in a few months.

- Jimmy

Tweets From the Street - Hurricane Irene

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on Hurricane Irene.

Letters From the Editor - Christine O'Donnell Ending Interview with Piers Morgan

An Open Letter to Christine O’Donnell - by Jimmy Wellington

Wow, look how far you’ve come. Just a few short days ago the dumbest thing you had ever done was appear in an official campaign advertisement in which the first four words you said were, “I’m not a witch.”

[caption id="attachment_1021" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I don't know why I'm here either."][/caption]

Now, this.

Let’s see if I can explain how the media works to you. Remember what your friend Sarah Palin told you about how you will get all the questions ahead of time and how the person will only ask what you want to talk about? That’s only on Fox News. Well, most of the other networks and hosts will let you get away with it too.

See what Piers Morgan did to you? That’s called journalism. See, the job of a reporter is to ask the questions that are the most important, not to only ask what doesn’t make you look like a backwoods ignorant bigot.

Don’t worry though. You’ve put yourself in such good company as Billy Bob Thornton, who also got upset when a reporter didn’t want to talk about bullshit. Just look how well his career is going now!

Actually, that reminds me. Why am I wasting valuable ink writing to you in the first place? I’m going to go do something more productive, like buy stock in Borders.

Obama 2012 Campaign Slogan Suggestions

Tweets From the Street - London Riots

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on the London riots.

Letters From the Editor - Bert and Ernie Gay Marrying

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Sesame Street:

[caption id="attachment_1001" align="alignleft" width="120" caption="Guest Editor: Shirley Hopper, mom, writer for WTFN"][/caption]

I read today that some people want Bert and Ernie to get married. What is our world coming to? Sesame Street is a program that we use to babysit our children and teach them the things that we don’t have time to do anymore. At one point, we were responsible for indoctrinating our children to believe everything we did. Today, with many parents working, we rely increasingly on television programs to teach our children how they should act.

When I was young, I learned that when I entered my house, I should take off my shoes and put on my slippers. Did my dad teach me that? No, he was out with his secretary, but that’s a story for another time. It was Mr. Rogers. He taught me such great lessons not only like the one I just said about the shoes, but also about how you could get away from your problems (like that one day with Mr. Jenkins after school) by just pretending to go to a land with puppets. My land of make-believe didn’t have an old king, but it did have an anthropomorphic sports bra.

Commanda - Women can go underwear-less too

Congress Desperate for a Lindsay Lohan Arrest

After over a week in which the debt ceiling crisis was the top news story nationwide, Congress is tired of the attention.

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“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.

Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.

“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.

Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.

Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.

“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.

 

Tweets From the Street - Debt Ceiling Edition

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the debt ceiling crisis.

Letters from the Editor - To Rebecca Black

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Rebecca Black

[caption id="attachment_974" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="By P. Tony Garry - Guest Editor"][/caption]

Rebecca,

Is it ok if I call you Rebecca? It seems a little bit personal, but, if you recall, I have already seen you in bed, in formalwear, dancing awkwardly both inside and outside of moving cars – It’s almost like we’ve been married for years.

I awaited the “dropping” of your new video with hopeful trepidation. Would I be treated to another three-and-a-half minutes of a glorious trainwreck in which the conductor is gleefully oblivious of the impending crash, more concerned with how much fun it is to be speeding on a quickly coddled together train on tracks hastily constructed out of hubris and duct tape?

Sadly, no.

It seems, Rebecca, that you have forgotten the reason your first video was so popular. The lyrics were not bad. They were so bad that they made J.K. Rowling look like Charles Dickens. Therein lies the secret. Nobody watches bad creative endeavors. They only watch creations that are very good or so awfully bad that they offset the scale of goodness so far that they push Gigli several steps closer to “mediocre.”

Then there was the video. Ah, the video that launched a thousand parodies. Of course the artistic director of the video was a bit hamstrung by the previously mentioned lyrics. That doesn’t entirely let him or her off the hook. If you were wondering which seat you should take, why was there someone in the front seat? As every first year law student knows, one cannot kick someone out of the front seat once said person has already established a claim to said territory.