Senate Democrats Look to Single-Player System For Health Care Reform

After months of rancorous debate, the health care reform process seems destined for failure. Senate Republicans are united in their opposition of any type of reform bill and Senate Democrats regret their decision to reconcile with Senator Joe Lieberman. However, a meeting of top Senate Democrats took place behind closed doors late last night, and, according to an anonymous source, a compromise was reached that may bring affordable health care reform to everyone. Better yet, it's amazingly simple. In short: Single Player Health Care.

[caption id="attachment_590" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Don't worry, in a few seconds all that annoying blood spatter will go away"][/caption]

The Senators have decided to incorporate the fast healing technology seen in the popular video game "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2." In the game, as long as the soldier is able to duck behind cover for several seconds, he completely heals. Our source says, "The Senators were so excited when they saw the footage. It didn't matter if it was a gunshot wound or shrapnel from a grenade, fifteen seconds max and they were good as new."

Others are not convinced. "Granted, Modern Warfare 2 is an amazingly realistic replication of current warfare and weaponry, but I don't think the healing mechanism in the game is accurate," says ER doctor Ben Daxon. "Just because we base our financial system on fantasy doesn't mean that will work with all fields."

The debate over the feasibility of basing public policy on video game performance brings to mind President George W. Bush's decision to appoint Michael Brown as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency after learning of his proficiency at playing the computer game Sim City.

Small-scale trials of the "wait fifteen seconds" method of trauma treatment have not yielded positive results. In Kansas City, where the treatment protocol is being implemented, waiting fifteen seconds for full recovery has shown an efficacy of 0%, no matter how many times the treatment is repeated. Even integrating the advanced method of reloading a weapon while waiting to heal has been ineffective.

Unsurprisingly, Republicans are against the proposal. "I'm not sure what this single-player system is, but I don't like it," says Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann. "It sounds suspiciously like single-payer to me, and we all know that's the communist, socialist, fascist way the liberals want to ruin the best health care system in the world. I hear that in Modern Warfare 2, you can call in a supply drop and other players can "share" your hard-earned reward. Excuse me Mr., that's MY sentry gun. I worked hard for it while you camped out in a corner. You pull yourself up by your combat bootstraps and get your own killstreak!"

When asked for comment, Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page.