Liberal Activist Smears Andrew Breitbart by Calling Him "Journalist"

Kirill Sdoty, contributor to the website The Daily Kos, has caused a firestorm by uploading a video to the site on Sunday in which conservative provocateur Andrew Breitbart appears to refer to himself as a “journalist.”

[caption id="attachment_840" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Whatever you call this man, do NOT call him a journalist"][/caption]

“I’m not some kind of lamestream media lackey, whose only jobs are to praise Barack Obama and discredit anyone who dares to contradict the Messiah,” Breitbart replied in a posting on his website Breitbart.com. I tell the truth, even if I have to make it up most of the time.”

“Journalist? That’s like Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite,” added Breitbart. “I’m nothing like those guys.”

Early reports indicate that the smear appears to have damaged Breitbart’s reputation among conservatives.

“I don’t know if I can trust anyone who calls himself a journalist,” said 89 year old regular Fox News viewer Brett Hupright. “The crying chalkboard man on the TV told me not to trust journalists, because they have the same last four letters as communists. It’s true, he showed me on his chalkboard. I still trust the guy who looks like a date rapist; he’s definitely not a journalist.”

Liberals are saying that it’s about time Breitbart is on the receiving end of deceitful reporting.

Obama Pledges to Support Middle East Peace By Going Back to 1967 Haircut

President Obama raised many eyebrows in the American and Jewish media Thursday by saying a starting point for Israeli-Palestinian negotiations must start with the 1967 borders, a position shared by George W. Bush. He did, however, go one major step further than his predecessor and make this suggestion while black.

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The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.

Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.

World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.

“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”

House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.

Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.

Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.

 

Can’t Wait Until 6PM? Pay Extra to get Velociraptured

With scores of people waiting patiently to ascend to heaven tomorrow and millions making fun of them, most rapture-ready Christians just want to get it over with.

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“Enough already with the waiting,” said Jill Grody. “I’m glad to be one of the 3% who will be saying ‘I told you so’ as I meet Jesus in the clouds.”

Harold Camping says that the rapture will occur at 6 pm local time for all people, which raises several interesting questions.

For example, what happens if someone is on a flight heading East and crosses a time zone just as the clock strikes 6? Did they miss their chance to be spared the Tribulation? Good news if the pilots are God-fearing, but bad news for everyone else.

Camping anticipated these questions and is starting a special prayer club that will allow his followers to be raptured early.

“Well, it costs $69.99, but you get access into our Velociraptured Club, saving you time and hassle on your way to heaven,” said Camping.

Website eDiot Cashes in on Rapture Believers

Harold Camping predicts that Christians will be raptured on Saturday, May 21, while the sinful will remain on Earth suffering. While some believe Camping’s prophecy to be true, others are ridiculing him, and one enterprising man is looking to make a little cash.

[caption id="attachment_827" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I swear, this time is really it"][/caption]

Bam Dackson has started eDiot.com, a website that allows believers to sell their possessions to non-believers, giving them money to use before the rapture.

“Why would I need my house after I go to see Jesus?” said Johnny Gladwell. “Just think of what good I could do with a few thousand dollars?”

Dackson says that sales have been a bit disappointing.

“Where is these people’s faith?” said Dackson. “If they were so sure, they would jump at this opportunity.”

Camping says that the creation of eDiot.com provides more evidence for his prediction.

“There is a verse in the Bible,” Camping says, “that, when translated into Klingon and back to English, says, ‘And the smart will make money off the gullible, and the Lions will win the Super Bowl.’ So, whatever happens, at least Detroit will be happy.”