What if Sarah Palin Wrote The Gettysburg Address?

After Gov. Palin's rambling, incoherent resignation speech, I began to wonder what it would have been like if she had given famous speeches throughout history. Here's Part One: Gettysburg.

Hi Gettysburg. About eighty some odd years ago in the past, those brave forefathers of ours gave a precious gift to US. They gave (to us!) this amazing country of ours that we live and reside in, founded in God's LIBERTY!! And also, it's dedicated to the fact that all of us are created by God, who is so amazing, to be the same.

Right now, even as I stand here before you to speak, this great country of ours is wrapped up in a battle for Real Americans against people led by those chattering class intellectual elites who sit in their ivory towers and plan to try to destroy me. Right here on this war zone, I stand READY to take those people on! I do this in the memory of our brave soldiers who fight and die to protect our freedoms, like the First Amendment, that guarantees me the ability to speak what I believe in my heart to be true without those in the press conducting a witch hunt of me and my financial transactions. And here at this site where brave men like my son Track fought and died for those hard-fought liberties that I and my children, who are here with me: Bristol, Willow, and Piper – say "Hi" kids!, enjoy so much since they live in this great country of ours.

However, If we take a step back and look at the bird's eye big picture view, our brave men and women like my son Track have made this ground even more special than words can ever do. Even after I make this speech, and the press "fact checks" (important: make sure to use finger quotes for that dramatic effect) it, and points out all the alleged "factual discrepancies," (more finger quotes!) and those talking heads on the television spend a week talking about it and I pick a fight with one of them and the press talks about it for another week and I do something completely impulsive and unexpected and the press talks about it some more - as long as that lasts, we will never forget the sacrifices our brave men and woman made to protect our freedoms. Those of us who make up the group of the living need to get those hands dirty and those noses to that grindstone to keep going forward with that GREAT mission that our brave men and women in uniform started, in addition to protecting our freedoms. It's just so important for us here now to realize how much further we have to go to protect this great country built buy our brilliant, patriotic forefathers and protected by our brave men and women in uniform, some of whom have given the ultimate sacrifice, giving their own God-given life in defense of this great nation. And we need to say to them, "Listen guys and gals, we will make sure that us Real Americans always remember your sacrifice!" And our nation, under God, indivisible, with LIBERTY and justice for all, will be born again in freedom and liberty and justice for all. And we will always remember and we will never forget, that America is the greatest country on Earth and although many things divide us, our faith in God unites us and will continue to keep us going forward on that bright road of democracy. God bless you, and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

You Should Be Afraid of the Dark (Man)

I wrote a post a few weeks back about discovering the Grammar Girl podcast. The woman behind Grammar Girl has started another podcast, called "Behind the Grammar," in which she interviews authors and writes about literature. Through this podcast, I learned about author J.C. Hutchins, and his latest novel Personal Effects: Dark Art.

I read many genres of literature, but I really enjoy a good thriller. I decided to buy his novel based soley on his interview on the "Behind the Grammar" podcast. I was mainly intrigued by the unique method of storytelling Hutchins and his collaborator Jordan Weisman used to unspool a rich tapestry of terror, revenge, and mystery. You see, Personal Effects: Dark Art is not just a book, it's an experience.

You Should Be Afraid of the Dark (Man)

I wrote a post a few weeks back about discovering the Grammar Girl podcast. The woman behind Grammar Girl has started another podcast, called "Behind the Grammar," in which she interviews authors and writes about literature. Through this podcast, I learned about author JC Hutchins, and his latest novel Personal Effects: Dark Art.

I read many genres of literature, but I really enjoy a good thriller. I decided to buy his novel based soley on his interview on the "Behind the Grammar" podcast. I was mainly intrigued by the unique method of storytelling Hutchins and his collaborator Jordan Weisman used to unspool a rich tapestry of terror, revenge, and mystery. You see, Personal Effects: Dark Art is not just a book, it's an experience.

Each reader will find, enclosed in a pocket attached to the inside front cover, a pile of paper and plastic. A driver's license and bank card for one Martin Grace, who is apparently a character in the book. Copies of birth and death certificates. A strange, incredibly colored drawing. A letter from the...CIA? What the...?

These "personal effects" are an integral part of the story. While the novel itself is very entertaining, the other aspects (in addition to the personal effects, the reader finds websites to visit, numbers to call, passwords to suss out) immerse the reader in an alternate world, in which the reader has access to more information than do the characters in the story.

The plot centers around Zach Taylor, an art therapist who works at a psychiatric hospital lovingly referred to as "The Brink." He uses art to help his patients work through their myriad of psychiatric issues, many of which are interesting enough to merit their own book. When he attempts to treat the aforementioned Grace, a psychosomatically blind man who is accused of murdering a dozen people in amazingly gruesome fashion, his ability is severely tested and his own dark past intertwines with his patient's.

After finishing the book, I'm still left with unsolved questions and nagging inconsistencies. Why did one of the characters refer to another character by a name he shouldn't have known about? Why is the story Zach Taylor tells different than an incident report? How does information found on one of the fake web sites about Zach's lineage fit into the story?

My wife and I have an agreement that I'm not allowed to talk during any type of mystery movie or television show, because I have an awesome (annoying if you ask her) knack for figuring out what will happen before we're meant to know. With this story, I was able to see some plot twists coming, while others surprised me. Some of this was definitely due to scrutinizing the "personal effects" as soon as I opened the package from Amazon.

In addition to being a writer who has a vision of the future of storytelling, Hutchins is one of the most accessible writers I've encountered. I sent him several direct messages on Twitter and he replied to all of them. It seems that he spends a great deal of time interacting with his fans, which I know from my experience running The Fake News can be a time consuming process.

If you like thriller/horror novels, I urge you to pick up Personal Effects: Dark Art by J.C. Hutchins and Jordan Weisman. You'll find out that even if you can't see in the dark, the dark can see you!

Words Have Meaning: Empathy Already Has a Definition, Senator

In general, I want to stay away from politics in my "serious writing," at least for the time being. Talking about politics ostracizes people who don't agree with you, and it's not a smart idea to alienate potential readers. However, my interest in language takes me into the realm of politics today, although I will attempt to treat the issue objectively.

In yesterday's Congressional hearing on the confirmation of Judge Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions said this: “Empathy for one party is always prejudice against another.” This quote is absolutely ludicrous.

Words Have Meaning: Empathy already has a definition, Senator

In general, I want to stay away from politics on this blog, at least for the time being. Talking about politics ostracizes people who don't agree with you, and it's not a smart idea to alienate potential readers. However, my interest in language takes me into the realm of politics today, although I will attempt to treat the issue objectively.

In yesterday's Congressional hearing on the confirmation of Judge Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions said this: “Empathy for one party is always prejudice against another.” This quote is absolutely ludicrous.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, empathy is defined as:

1: the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

2: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner ; also : the capacity for this.

Notice that there is no mention of bias in either of the definitions. As a future educator, it disgusts me to see empathy, which I feel is vital to fully understanding any subject, used in a negative connotation. Empathy is being able to see another point of view, it has nothing to do with being biased towards that point of view.

I realize that much of the debate deals with Judge Sotomayor's alleged reliance on emotion rather than the rule of law. As I said earlier, I'm not using this forum to discuss that topic. However, I simply cannot sit idly by while United States Senators are changing the meaning of words. If Senator Sessions means bias, he should use that word. Empathy is such a positive trait that it is absolutely despicable for him to drag this word into the mud with him.

The word "empathy" already has a definition, Senator.

Anything I Can Do You Can Do Better

Don't you hate it when you come up with a brilliant idea, a fantastic way to satisfy an itch that nobody else is scratching, only to find out that someone else has been doing it for years? It reminds me of the time that I created an animated sitcom about a fat man who is inexplicably married to a beautiful woman, also featuring a talking dog and a baby bent on world destruction.

I thought it would be a great idea to come up with a series of posts that explain common grammatical problems in a fun way that people can remember. I still think this is a great idea, but my enthusiasm is somewhat tempered by the discovery that someone has been doing it. For years.

Anything I can do you can do better

Don't you hate it when you come up with a brilliant idea, a fantastic way to satisfy an itch that nobody else is scratching, only to find out that someone else has been doing it for years? It reminds me of the time that I created an animated sitcom about a fat man who is inexplicably married to a beautiful woman, also featuring a talking dog and a baby bent on world destruction.

I thought it would be a great idea to come up with a series of posts that explain common grammatical problems in a fun way that people can remember. I still think this is a great idea, but my enthusiasm is somewhat tempered by the discovery that someone has been doing it. For years.

So, allow me to fully endorse Mignon Fogarty, aka Grammar Girl, who hosts the Grammar Girl podcast, which is found on iTunes or at her site http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/. It's pretty much everything I had thought of doing, but done much, much better.

Each podcast addresses a common grammar stumbling block in a humorous and memorable way. Her show is sort of a "Grammar for Dummies" in concept, but without the unfortunate title of that series. Seriously, why would anyone want to buy a book supposedly marketed to "dummies?" I guess "Plumbing For People Who Are Knowledgeable in Other Areas But Not Well Versed in the Field of Plumbing" doesn't fit on the cover. Aside: Do they make Depression for Dummies? That book seems counterproductive to me:

Patient: "I'm feeling much better. This book has really helped me to understand my condition *looks at cover* Now I feel worse about myself again..."

But seriously, check out the podcast.

The Value of Literature

Many people have asked me*, "Jimmy, why do you plan on leaving such a brilliant career in unrecognized comedy writing to teach English to high school students?" I firmly believe that the value of literature is that it helps us to understand ourselves and the world around us. In addition, studying literature involves developing skills like empathy that help us better ourselves.

The value of literature

Many people have asked me*, "Jimmy, why do you plan on leaving such a brilliant career in unrecognized comedy writing to teach English to high school students?" I firmly believe that the value of literature is that it helps us to understand ourselves and the world around us. In addition, studying literature involves developing skills like empathy that help us better ourselves.

After following the events taking place in Iran the past few weeks, I began to think about how the situation there was so much different than in Iraq, and how it represents two different ways of going about achieving a democratic government. In Iraq, we basically told the Iraqi people, "you want a democracy because democracy is the best and you want it." The Iranian people are standing up for themselves, without outside assistance or provocation, and demanding that their voices be heard. It's a huge difference.

As I was flipping through my Norton's Anthology of American Literature, Volume II last night, I came across an epigraph W.E.B. Du Bois used for his essay "Of Mr. Booker T. Washington and Others." He quoted a line from a Byron peom: "Hereditary Bondsmen! Know ye not / Who would be free themselves must strike the blow?" (Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto 2, 76.720-1)

I know this is not exactly earth-shattering analysis of literature's value, but I thought it was a good example of why I'm planning on spending my life studying and teaching it. I think that our world would be a little better if everyone turned off the television and read for an extra hour a day. Try it, it can't make things worse!

*These conversations take place entirely in my head.

The Sad State of Writing, Volume 2 - or "there's no excuse for mixing 'an' and 'and"

Today's common writing error is the most baffling to me, because I see no logical reason for anyone to use "and" when they mean "an." I continue to see people write sentences such as, "I am and adult!" Does anyone have a theory about why people do this?

That's all for now. I have to read a Henry James story, "The Beast in the Jungle," for my American Literature class. I don't trust anyone with two first names, especially when both of those names are English monarchs.

UPDATE: I finished the story. Surprisingly, it wasn't about a man with a ridiculously thick swath of pubic hair.

The Sad State of Writing, Volume 2 - or "there's no excuse for mixing 'an' and 'and"

Today's common writing error is the most baffling to me, because I see no logical reason for anyone to use "and" when they mean "an." I continue to see people write sentences such as, "I am and adult!" Does anyone have a theory about why people do this?

That's all for now. I have to read a Henry James story, "The Beast in the Jungle," for my American Literature class. I don't trust anyone with two first names, especially when both of those names are English monarchs.

UPDATE: I finished the story. Surprisingly, it wasn't about a man with a ridiculously thick swath of pubic hair.

The sad state of writing - or, I'm going to loose my mind

Since I started going back to college three years ago, I have been baffled by the decline in basic writing skills, even on the college level. Therefore, I'm starting a series of posts which will point out the most common writing mistakes I encounter, as well as a (hopefully easy) way to not make the mistake in the future.

First up: the apparently difficult distinction between the word "loose" and the word "lose." This is one of the more baffling mistakes because it can be so easily avoided. While I've seen something like "I always seem to loose my car keys" written, I have yet to hear someone verbally use the wrong word. I guess the key is to learn or remember that loose rhymes with noose. "The loose noose still caused him to lose his life."

The sad state of writing - or, I'm going to loose my mind

Since I started going back to college three years ago, I have been baffled by the decline in basic writing skills, even on the college level. Therefore, I'm starting a series of posts which will point out the most common writing mistakes I encounter, as well as a (hopefully easy) way to not make the mistake in the future.

First up: the apparently difficult distinction between the word "loose" and the word "lose." This is one of the more baffling mistakes because it can be so easily avoided. While I've seen something like "I always seem to loose my car keys" written, I have yet to hear someone verbally use the wrong word. I guess the key is to learn or remember that loose rhymes with noose. "The loose noose still caused him to lose his life."

Carlin and Orwell

While most people know George Carlin as the guy from the "7 words" bit, I believe that he was much more than that. I see him as an Orwell-like defender of language, and for that we should be eternally grateful. Very near the top of my list of Orwell's important works is his essay "Politics and the English Language," which, among other topics, discusses the abundance of euphemistic language, and its damaging effect on writing.

Carlin's bit, "Euphemisms," addresses the same issue, and even more clearly shows the effect of euphemistic language on discourse, and, even more importantly, thought. Since language is the concrete instrument by which we convey abstract ideas, the language we use has a monumental impact on thought. In the bit, Carlin traced the history of the concept initially labeled "shell shock" to its present day incarnation of "post-traumatic stress disorder." Most important is the end, where he says "I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it Shell Shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha. I'll betcha."

Carlin and Orwell

While most people know George Carlin as the guy from the "7 words" bit, I believe that he was much more than that. I see him as an Orwell-like defender of language, and for that we should be eternally grateful. Very near the top of my list of Orwell's important works is his essay "Politics and the English Language," which, among other topics, discusses the abundance of euphemistic language, and its damaging effect on writing.

Carlin's bit, "Euphemisms," addresses the same issue, and even more clearly shows the effect of euphemistic language on discourse, and, even more importantly, thought. Since language is the concrete instrument by which we convey abstract ideas, the language we use has a monumental impact on thought. In the bit, Carlin traced the history of the concept initially labeled "shell shock" to its present day incarnation of "post-traumatic stress disorder." Most important is the end, where he says "I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it Shell Shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha. I'll betcha."

Carlin points out, as Orwell did repeatedly, that the language we use affects the way in which we think, which affects the actions we take, individually and as a society. While politics is the most obvious forum for euphemistic language, it has contaminated our language's water supply, impacting every aspect of our lives.

Both Carlin and Orwell believe that we use euphemistic language to avoid dealing with the harsh realities of life. It's become progressively worse over time. It hurts when a loved one dies, so we say that they "passed away," which may make it sound better in the short term, but at some point we have to deal with the certainty that we will never see that person again on Earth (or never if you do not believe in an afterlife). They are gone, and it sucks. You can deep fry an anchovy repeatedly, but once you bite through the layers of delicious dough and powdered sugar, it still tastes horrible inside.

Look At Me!

In just over 200 years, humanity has progressed from the Age of Enlightenment to the Age of Entitlement. We want everything and we want it now. Delayed gratification now means you have to wait 2 minutes for your free pirated movie to download. We as a society need to be constantly validated, both at the personal and professional level.

Look at Me!

In just over 200 years, humanity has progressed from the Age of Enlightenment to the Age of Entitlement. We want everything and we want it now. Delayed gratification now means you have to wait 2 minutes for your free pirated movie to download. We as a society need to be constantly validated, both at the personal and professional level.

I certainly am not immune. Most mornings I log into Facebook and immediately look to the lower right hand corner. That's right. The Red Badge of Narcissism. Surely someone must have been sufficiently amused by some silly comment I made to take the time to reply, validating my wit with a red square. I'm often disappointed when I find out that instead of writing and telling me how funny I am, they've merely clicked the "Like this" button, which is the Facebook equivalent of the IM "LOL," which I would guess is only 1% of the time accompanied by actual audible laughter.

Our online worth is now being measured by how many Twitter followers we have, although again this number is deceiving. I'm still fairly new to Twitter (I did not sign up for a long time soley because of how stupid I think the word "Tweet" is) and I'm learning that some people have a compulsion to follow as many people as they can, likely believing that the person will see that they have a new follower and return the favor - a reciprocal validationary event, as George Carlin would have sarcastically referred to it.

Why is this happening? I'm not sure, although there seem to be a lot of societal forces working in concert. All I know is that I'm going to buy stock in replacement F5 keys.

Don't call it a comeback!

Well, let's give this another shot. I started a Twitter feed and a Facebook page. I'm planning on using this blog for writing projects that go over 140 characters. Yeah, like that's ever going to happen.

CKO Logo idea

This is a rough version of an idea someone had for a CKO logo for Augusta/Franklin. Click on the image for full size.

 



 

You Shouldn’t Read This if You Have the Following Medical Conditions...

Shortly after the premiere of their sitcom “My Name is Earl,” NBC introduced a marketing campaign so annoying that I had to change the radio station any time that it came across the airwaves. The premise of the advertisements was that we were supposed to be listening in on a normal conversation that several co-workers were having on their lunch break. I can’t recall the exact wording, but it went something like this:

“Have you guys seen that new show on NBC with Jason Lee?”

“You mean that guy from the movies? I love him!”

“Yeah, he’s so funny in this show! Let me tell you what the show is about...”

As you can see, this “conversation” is about as believable as the questions in Parade magazine. “I just love that Dennis Quaid! Can you tell me what he’s up to?” “I loved Baby Geniuses Two, is it too much to hope that number three is in the works?”

Unfortunately, this advertising technique has spread to television. The first example that comes to mind is the television spot for the birth control pill Yaz. For those lucky few that haven’t seen it, this ad takes the viewer inside a perfectly natural conversation among a group of friends who are discussing this new birth control pill that one of them heard about.

In an amazing stroke of luck, one of them just happens to be a doctor and is able to provide them with the details of the pill’s effects. Apparently, she is not only a doctor, but she also happens to be a lawyer for the company that makes the pill, because she is able to discuss all the side effects that one might encounter in the course of taking this wonderful medicine. For example, her friends shouldn’t take it if they have certain medical conditions, such as (oh, just off the top of my head) cardiovascular disease, which my friends and I often refer to in the course of our conversations.

“Hey man, what’s going on? Have you talked to your doctor about that pain in your leg?”

“Yeah, he gave me something to take. I think it’s called Balflix or something like that.”

“Wow, I heard about that medication! I’ve heard you shouldn’t take it if you have certain medical conditions such as chronic lung disease, advanced HIV or AIDS, or if you’re pregnant or may become pregnant.”

“Wow thanks! I wish my doctor knew this stuff! Thank God I have you, friend!”

Another advertising trend that is growing ever more irritating is the “unnecessary foreign accent.” At first, a spokesman with a refined British accent was employed to imply that the product in question is normally discussed during tea by the Queen of England. Unfortunately, in the same way that “Survivor” spawned such trash as “Boy Meets Boy,” uncreative ad execs decided that if they couldn’t come up with a new and innovative campaign, hiring some foreign guy will do quite nicely.

The majority of you have likely been subjected to the inanity of the new cable ad in which not one, but three foreign guys dance around and speak with an unintelligible foreign accent. The creators of this ad have bravely bucked the long-standing maxim that a potential client should be able to understand a product pitch. When an advertisement reminds me of the three dancing scissor-wielding nihilists from “The Big Lebowski,” I’m not likely to want to buy that product.

Finally, a special section of hell must have been created for whoever is responsible for the latest series of Verizon commercials. First of all, if you are a sweaty Cro-Magnon man that I don’t know, please don’t accost me and place your sweaty ear buds in my ears, stating that I must hear this new song. Based on your appearance, there is a good chance that I will get some kind of infection, and I don’t want to have to ask my doctor what medication I should take to counteract it. I don’t want to play “side-effects roulette.” You see, my friend said that medication may cause increased urination, heart attacks or a stroke.

You Shouldn’t Read This if You Have the Following Medical Conditions...

Shortly after the premiere of their sitcom “My Name is Earl,” NBC introduced a marketing campaign so annoying that I had to change the radio station any time that it came across the airwaves. The premise of the advertisements was that we were supposed to be listening in on a normal conversation that several co-workers were having on their lunch break. I can’t recall the exact wording, but it went something like this:

“Have you guys seen that new show on NBC with Jason Lee?”

“You mean that guy from the movies? I love him!”

“Yeah, he’s so funny in this show! Let me tell you what the show is about...”

As you can see, this “conversation” is about as believable as the questions in Parade magazine. “I just love that Dennis Quaid! Can you tell me what he’s up to?” “I loved Baby Geniuses Two, is it too much to hope that number three is in the works?”

A few random musings

So I was driving today, and we passed a sign on the highway that said "Speed enforced by aircraft". It's probably just me (it usually is), but does anyone else have a mental image of an F-16 coming down and blowing up some car on the highway?

I go even further and picture a scene like this in some control bunker somewhere:

"Red team, do you copy? I have a report of a red Mazda Miata California plate Echo Victor Foxtrot one six niner on interstate 5 going ninety five miles per hour. We have orders to terminate this vehicle. There can be no room for error. This is not a drill, I say again, this is not a drill. Godspeed."

Also, it was nice of the Giants to show up today. No, they played really great. If you're a Carolina fan...

My secret? I throw up to lose weight!

Isn't it great that right about the time that US Weekly proclaims on their cover that inside is "Lindsay Lohan's dieting secret", it comes out that she was bulemic?

I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you. I never saw that one coming. I guess all last year she was telling the truth when she said she was eating well. She just neglected to mention how long the food would stay in her body.

I love IMing

I like to think that I have some pretty funny IM conversations. And since I'm bored and have nothing else to post, here is one... The other name has been changed, to protect something or other.

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: you still golf

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: ?

[22:03] drevil877: i haven't had time lately

[22:03] drevil877: i have a free round for 2 with a cart at the Bonita course whenever I can

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: im going for the first time in 10 years, next week

[22:04] drevil877: wow

[22:04] drevil877: let me know how it turns out

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: its going to be ugly

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: but itll be fun

[22:04] drevil877: i heard that the trick is to not take a lot of swings

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: ha

[22:05] drevil877: and to hit it straight

[22:05] drevil877: and far, except when putting

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: im going to practice my slice

[22:05] drevil877: awesome

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: yup

[22:05] drevil877: i can slice the shit out of the ball

[22:06] drevil877: it's my best shot

[22:06] jimmy’s friend: yeah i plan on using mine to its full advantage

[22:06] drevil877: i find it's best to line up at a 90 degree angle

[22:06] drevil877: with the hole on your right

Today's burning question: Am I the only one that was shocked when Brooke Shields said she was pregnant again?

Seriously, am I the only one that thinks that maybe this isn't such a great idea?

Have baby.
Get severe post-partum depression
Make lots of money selling book about post partum depression
Immediately have another baby.

Is she just using this baby to set up a book franchise thing? "Down came the rain...again!" And this time it's pouring!

I'll leave you with this quote:

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." - Brooke Shields.

Hey Brooke, Depression can kill.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important chance to
make money.

Fat? Skinny? It doesn't matter, you're still not hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Fat? Skinny? It Doesn't Matter, You're Still Not Hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Traffic, Just Talking About Traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

The debut of "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot"

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot" Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

"Hot Chicks" Who Aren't Hot

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks Who Aren't Hot."  Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Traffic, just talking about traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

Mmmmm... Moolatte

See, Dairy Queen stole my idea. This is dangerously close to the Coffee Mulatto.

Random Thoughts

Remember that drink at Dunkin Donuts? The Coffee Coolata, or whatever? Wouldn't it be great if someone had the balls to make the Coffee Mulatto? It would just be black coffee with milk, a revolutionary recipe!

I went to the Giants - Chargers game last night here in SD, and although it was fun, my Giants didn't get the result that I wanted to see.

I'm trying to teach myself to play golf, I got a book "Ben Hogan's Five Lessons", and it seems pretty good so far.

That's about it for me, I hope everyone's having a great time. Later

PS. My wife just showed me a very poorly named website.

www.artisanalcheese.com

So you think you can...work at Hooters?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0915051hooters1.html

Its secrets are guarded more closely than the code to Ft. Knox, but The Smoking Gun was able to obtain a copy. Is there anything those guys can't get?

My favorite part is where it talks about the pantyhose. If it runs, they are obligated to change it before they continue their shift. So if you really want to get back at a Hooters girl....um...do whatever it is that causes stocking runs.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.

I got a new (to me) car!

Well, here's my new car. It's a 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse GS with 54500 miles. I got it through my mechanic. ;)

New Poker table pics

Well, I fixed the rail, it took me a long time. As you can see from the new pictures, it's way tighter and it looks a lot better. I took some pics with the rail off so you can see underneath. For some reason the pics turned out really blurry, I don't know exactly why.

We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today. It's the first time I've been to a movie lately that I would go back and see again tomorrow. Awesome flick.

Poker table finished

Well, it's not 100% perfect, but it's pretty damn good for my first attempt at a project like this. A lot of the pics I took came out blurry for some reason, I'll try to take some more later.

poker rail

http://gowzerpoker.com is where I got the plans from

The middle felt part is going to be royal blue

The rail is going to be dark brown

The exposed wood part is pictured.

How to kill drain flies, a tutorial

OK...

Well this didn't work out the way I wanted to. But anyway. The casa de Wellington has recently been taken over by little devils known as drain flies. the bastards look like fruit flies, but make their homes and nesting places in the drains where they feed off of biological material. Sounds like fun, right?

Anyway, you think you might have them? Here's how to tell. They are fairly small, about 1/4 of an inch. They like to hang out near the drains, like near the sink. However, they're not always over there. They like to hang out on the walls or ceiling and don't move until you disturb them. They don't really fly too much, just a bit from place to place. The first picture above the writing pictures them pretty well.

A way to control them is through a combination of homemade traps and store bought brands. However, only a certain few are worth spending your time and money on.

A good strip to use is made by a company called Victor. They come in packs of 4 and i bought them at Home Depot.

However the big daddy is something you can make yourself.

Take a jar, like about a medium pickle jar. Put in 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 cup vinegar, fill the rest with water, and put a few drops of dish soap. The flies are attracted to the sugar and vinegar combo, but drown in the soapy water.

The next picture up after these ones is a trap that doesn't work. I bought this one at Home Depot and it DOES NOT work for these flies.

The next picture up is a product called DF 5000. You need to buy this product to eliminate the source of the problem, which is buildup in your drains. Do a google search, I bought mine from do your own pest control . com or something like that. You put it down the drains for 5 days, 4 oz a day. You should buy 2 bottles if you have a drain and a garbage disposal like i do.

Then you should use a space fogger like the next picture up. That is the one I used. It's a Raid product and works very well. it sucks to move everything out and back in again, but it's worth it.

Also, you should buy some stoppers for your drains to prevent the flies from hiding in the drains before the cleaner works. They are cheap at any supermarket.

The best thing to prevent any spare leftover flies is a spray bottle of soapy water. If you see any of the little bastards around, then just spray them and they won't be able to fly and you can kill them easily. Awesome.

cut open, job prospect, book deal? It's been a busy week

This was the week where I went under the knife. I've been having a lot of trouble hearing and found out from the ENT doctor that I had a perforated eardrum. I also had a lot of other stuff that was caused by this, and yesterday the doctor operated on my poor little ear. I was in the prep room with Mrs. Wellington and the last thing I remember is thinking, "Wow, this stuff works fast". Next thing I know I'm in the recovery room. Turns out that there was a lot more stuff wrong with my ear than they thought. I'm going to have to have at least one more surgery. PS. This post is being written under the influence of Vicodin, which is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be.

I'm going to have a job interview for a job in NYC next week. Mrs. Wellington and I would love to move back to the Northeast, so this might be a great opportunity to do so. More as that develops.

My friend and fellow satire writer Brian White are in the early stages of a collaborative book project. I don't want to say too much about it until more is finalized, but suffice it to say, fans of the excellent Wellington writing will not be disappointed.

Well, it's almost time to watch the new Fox reality show So you think you can dance. I have a feeling that it should be called "so we think you'll watch anything".

We'll see.

It's been a while

Man, it's been a while since I wrote something in here. Glad that it's the end of the week and am really looking forward to the long weekend. Mrs. Wellington and I (that hot piece of ass!) are going to a Padres game tomorrow night and to the fair on Saturday. Last time I went to a Padres game I almost caught a foul ball, but ended up almost breaking my hands. And I lost the ball. Bastards.

Mrs. Wellington and I recently got an old school NES off of E-bay. It's a good thing that I say those commercials on television that showed me, in a fun and musical way, how to use E-Bay. Ya Know, "Do you know the way to use E-bay...."? Anyway, Super Mario Bros 3 is just as much fun as I remember it. Although I still have to pick up Blades of Steel, that's one of my favorite old school games.

I've been trying to listen to less politics lately, it just depresses me what this country is turning into. Most people that say that are talking about our current administration, but while I'm not exactly enamored with all their policies, the other side of the political aisle pisses me off more.

As much as this probably sounds horrible, why the hell is there all this news coverage of the missing girl in Aruba. Yes, I'm sorry she's most likely dead. Yes, I'm sorry her family is upset that she's gone. But there are worse things in the world going on, and definitely more important. There's thousands of people that go missing every day, why is she so special that she gets all these news stories? It's just like Laci Peterson and Lori Hacking. Hmmmmm...Laci.....Lori....if she's still alive, Lana Turner better watch the fuck out!

And don't even get me started on that Runaway Bride woman. I prefer to call her the Runaway Felon. I'm not sure if what she did is technically considered a Felony, but it sounds much better than calling her the Runaway Misdemeanor-committing person. I don't know who upset me more in the "big exclusive interview": Her, her husband, or Katie "I'm starting to look like Skeletor" Couric, who I'm surprised didn't find a way to bring up prostate cancer in the interview. The chick is obviously whacked out. Her husband is an idiot for staying with such an obviously insane person. And Katie Couric is possibly the worst interviewer of all time.

"Why did you run away?" Right here, any halfway mediocre interviewer would stop and let her...I don't know, maybe...answer the question??? But no, Katie gives her an easy way to answer the question by describing 18 possible answers and then, after the commercial break, let's Psycho woman say "Yes, that's what I was thinking."

I gotta run, later!

Coors Whores

So I go to my local liquor store yesterday. They have this promotion where it's a Coors Light bonanza. They have these two chicks in very revealing clothing, one at the front of the store, one at the back. They are offering specials on Coors Light. Now, here's the interesting part, when I'm drinking domestic beer, I prefer Coors Light to Bud or Miller, so I'm not totally against Coors. However, I was interested in trying out the new Samuel Adams Light, which I'd heard was quite good.

So the first girl tells me that they have a special on Coors Light beer, etc. I say that I'm not interested. She starts to follow me, but then stops and stays near the front of the store. The next one is standing near the back. I thought about getting Bud Light just to fuck with her, but she started up early.

Coors Whore: "I know you want to get some Coors Light"
Me: "No, not really.
CW: "It's really good and you can get 2 dollars off an 18 pack"
Me: "That's OK, thank you."
CW: "So what kind of beer are you going to get"
Me: "My purchasing habits are none of your business."
CW: "Well why don't you get Coors Light?"
Me: "......"
CW: "Thanks for ignoring me"
Me: "Thanks for harrassing me"

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Larry David is going through on Curb Your Enthusiasm....

What the fuck happened to Lindsay Lohan?

I don't think any celebrity has as rapidly gone from very attractive to horribly disgusting in as short a period of time as Lindsay Lohan. One minute, she's a curvy, hot young actress. Now, she looks like a younger version of Maria Shriver, AKA Skeletor. There has to be some kind of petition to sign or protest to attend. Maybe a telethon? Send in donations to buy Lindsay a sandwich?

Hey everyone

Hey everyone. You might know me from my former website The Fake News. It's still up as an archive at www.thefakenews.com. Jimmy Wellington is not my real name, but I prefer to post under my pen name so I can say whatever I want.

My first post is about reality shows. I personally HATE reality shows. American Idol isn't that bad, since Carrie Underwood is a hot piece of ass. And she can sing good too. But other reality shows drive me crazy, which is weird because Mrs. Wellington is a big fan of the genre. So I have to tolerate most of them. There have been a few that I'm just like, no way. Turn that shit off. I forget exactly which ones, but there was one about rich fuck's "sweet 16 party" on MTV. It was excruciating.

Then on The Amazing Race, this one woman said what perhaps has been the stupidest comment ever. Her boyfriend was a POW and she said something along the lines of...

"You always seem to get out of commitment. You got out of the Army."
"How so?"
"By being a POW"

If that was my girlfriend I would have stopped the car and forcibly removed her from the car and from my life. What a bitch!

That's about it for now. Later.

American School Shooters Still Not as Efficient as Rest of World

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignright" width="250" caption="Is this the face of a killer? Yeah, I guess so"][/caption]

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Last Monday, a Minnesota student went on a killing spree in his high school, killing 9 and injuring 15. While he had a higher kill rate than the Columbine duo (13 killed between the two of them), politicians claim that American school shooters still lag behind the rest of the world.




In 2002, a German student killed 17 others before taking his own life. In 2001, 2 Kenyan student killed 67 students by setting a fire. Later in 2001, a 37 year old man killed 8 students with knives and injured 13 others in a Japanese school.

Americans Relieved Tsunami All Taken Care Of

Written by Jimmy Wellington

According to a poll conducted by The Fake News, the tsunami disaster that was all over the news several weeks ago has been erased from the public's mind. In its place are such important news items as Michael Jackson's trial, the American Idol competition, and Paris Hilton's cell phone getting hacked.

[caption id="attachment_128" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark!"][/caption]

"Man, isn't it crazy that all this bad stuff keeps happening to that wonderful Paris Hilton?", said American housewife Christy Jennings. "First her home video gets stolen, now people are trying to get at her personal naked photos and phone numbers? If they don't stop whoever's responsible, soon the nude pictures and celebrity contacts I keep on my cell phone will be all over the internet!"

Olympic Search Committee Leaves New York: Homeless People, Knicks Allowed to Return

Written by Jake Novak

After a week of putting its best foot forward for the 2012 Summer Games Olympic Search Committee, New York City is letting its guard down and allowing its more embarrassing elements, like homeless people and the Knicks, to return.

[caption id="attachment_472" align="alignright" width="350" caption="Maybe we can pawn the rings for crack!"][/caption]

"Well, we didn't want the IOC to see a bunch of bums on the streets, and we also didn't want them to notice the homeless people either," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a news conference after leaving the Olympic search team off at JFK Airport. "And it's a good thing the Oscars are this weekend, because that helped most of our abusive celebrities decide to spend the whole week in L.A.," he added.

City Hall officials admitted to a well-planned effort to get the homeless and the Knicks players out of the search committee's view.

"Well, with the homeless we just gave them all a bottle of malt liquor and bus ticket to Scranton. The Knicks were a little trickier, until we found out we could get them to scatter simply by telling them they were all about to be served with paternity suits," said Deputy Mayor Dan Doctoroff. "Man, you should have seen those players run like hell when we brought that lawyer into the locker room."

But there appears to be some long-term planning as well, according to WCBS-TV political reporter Andrew Kirtzman.

"This wasn't all last-minute. First, the city was careful to invite the IOC to come only on the days of the week when Rosie O'Donnell is usually getting or recovering from liposuction. Second, they did it in the dead of winter when the Mets are safely down in Florida," said Kirtzman.

But the city is hoping there will be no hard feelings, and has already welcomed many of its temporary exiles back home.

"Last night, we let the Knicks back into Madison Square Garden and we arranged hotel rooms for twice the number of ho's they usually bring into midtown on a week night," Bloomberg said. "And as for the homeless, we're just letting them roam free on Staten Island. After a few days, their smell will be indiscernible from everything else over there," he explained.

The IOC will make its decision about the 2012 Summer Games site later this year.

Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

[caption id="attachment_184" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet "][/caption]









“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.

FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Last year, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the hands of Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show created an outrage among families nation wide. Most were enraged that Jackson's breast was shown on national television for a fraction of a second, while others were just shocked that a member of the Jackson family was asked to play at the halftime show.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="275" caption="Your FCC approved halftime show"][/caption]

This year, organizers have decided to go with a "safer" act by having former Beatles member Paul McCartney perform.

The FCC (Fascist Communists Commission) does not think that simply having a family friendly artist perform is enough of a guarantee that children will not catch a flash of a nipple, a sight that would normally involve the child lifting up their own shirt in front of a mirror or other reflective object.

Paul McCartney will be required to have a metal codpiece sewn to the inside of his pants. The pants will then be surgically sutured to his thighs, to ensure minimum chance of a body part being exposed. The FCC has reluctantly allowed McCartney to flash the piece sign, but only a maximum of three times. The reasoning for this is that of course the sign could be interpreted as "the finger" by viewers with poor vision.

(Ed. Note: The FCC has ordered The Fake News to change the phrase "viewers with poor vision" from the last paragraph to "viewers whose lack of optimal vision is made up by their other contributions to society" or face a fine of $10,000.)

In a related story, Levitra will be allowed to advertise during the Super Bowl again, since explaining "erectile disfunction" or "6 hour erection" is nowhere near as awkward for a parent as explaining that women have nipples.

When reached for comment, Paul McCartney was upset, since he was hoping to unveil his new silver penis shield.

Second Wave of Horror Hits Southeast Asia as Hollywood Stars Arrive

Written by Jake Novak

Just as it seemed things couldn't get much worse for the hundreds of thousands of tsunami victims, dozens of Hollywood celebrities have arrived in the region to "help" with the relief efforts.

[caption id="attachment_172" align="alignright" width="224" caption="Jerry's let himself go!"][/caption]



"Well you know, I just came down here to see what I could do, maybe get a few cameras on me again," said aging former star Sylvester Stallone.

"To get noticed it was either come here or go on 'The Surreal World.' But being a life-time bed-wetter, that show really wouldn't do much for me!"




Jerry Lewis arrived in Indonesia Thursday, ready with some much-needed wisecracks for the seriously injured and dying.

One Hot White Chick Injured in Tsunami Disasters (200,000 Asians Killed Too)

Written by Jake Novak

World reaction continues to pour in as relief efforts to help supermodel Petra Nemcova are increasing day by day. Meanwhile, officials say the fact that 200,000 non-supermodels were killed in the tsunami disaster is a tragedy too... but shouldn't take anything away from the fact that a super-fine White chick isn't feeling too well right now.




"There is so much we all want to do for Petra right now, because she is so hot and White and not one of the faceless, nameless little people who you usually see in this part of the world," said Betsy Mitchell, fund development co-coordinator for the Red Cross.

"Female Viagra" Convinces Women that Men Will Call Them

Written by Jake Novak After several drug companies failed to produce a pill that can increase female libido, the pharmaceutical industry has changed tactics by introducing a new line of psychoactive drugs that won't boost a woman's sex drive, but will have the same ultimate effect.




"Many women either hold back during intercourse or forego sex completely out of fear their male partner doesn't respect them or doesn't want to pursue a real relationship," said Doctor Martha Voorhees of Novartis . "However, our new drug 'Esteemcylcin' will make any woman feel like they're sleeping with the sensitive new-age guy of their dreams."