How to Avoid the Swine Flu

Rather than making fun of celebrities and politicians today, we decided to provide a special public service.  Since nobody is telling people how to avoid the H1N1 flu, more commonly referred to as "swine" flu, we decided to help you prepare for the impending Aporkalypse.  Since the number of the beast is 666, here are 6 ways to protect yourself and your family.

[caption id="attachment_327" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="This is NOT how to get swine flu"][/caption]

1.  No matter how hot you think that girl or guy at the club is, ask your friends for a second opinion before you take them home.  Your inebriation may cause you to succumb to the number one cause of contracting swine flu: having sex with a pig.

2.  If you sizzle and give off a delectable aroma when in direct sunlight, go see a doctor.

3.  If you need to cough, cough into another person's sleeve.  This "cough into your own sleeve" idea is counterproductive, as you will be in close contact to your sleeve for the rest of the day.

4.  Start and conclude each day with a shower with boiling hot water.  Second degree burns are a small price to pay for sanitation.

5.  Since vaccines are in short supply, every person does not need a vaccine.  Only one person in a couple needs to be vaccinated, the second person can be immunized through sexual contact with the vaccinated person.  Remember, no condom!

6.  Avoid populations that are closely associated with pigs, such as pig farmers, butchers, and police.

UPDATE!

7. Using hand sanitizer is a great idea.  To ensure removal of germs, make sure you have a good coat of sanitizer, then light it on fire.  The fire will roast any remaining germs.

Conservative Protestors Stage Donkey Punching Parties

Not satisfied with their efforts to, as they put it, "teabag the whitehouse," conservatives upset with President Barack Obama's policies have devised a new strategy to garner media attention: donkey punching.

[caption id="attachment_320" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's the spirit!"][/caption]

On April 15^th, many people held "Tea Parties," where they gathered, waved signs that made anyone associated with the English language cringe, and talked of teabagging.  Some carried signs such as "Teabag the Liberal Dems Before They Teabag You!"  Others planned on dumping large amounts of tea into bodies of water to replicate the Boston Tea Party and provide a little taste of home to any fish that had migrated from English waters and were missing a bit of the ole' Earl Grey.  Unfortunately, park police told the protestors that dumping tea in the water was not allowed.  "Just another example of how the government regulators are keeping us down," said protestor Harry Larrimore.  "Imagine if our founding fathers had to deal with this level of regulation! They would have been stuck signing forms and getting permits instead of protesting."

These teabagging parties received much coverage in the press, although much of it has been focused on the name they chose for their protesting activity. Apparently unbeknownst to the teabaggers, the name they chose to call themselves doubles as a reference to a sex act.  Because of this, much of the media has lampooned their protests, and the teabaggers feel their message is not getting through.

"We decided that we would focus on the antics of the Democrats, how they make us feel, and what we would like to do," said Larrimore.  "We know the symbol of the Democratic Party is a donkey, so we started thinking of donkey piñatas. The Democrats make us so angry that we want to hit them, not literally of course, but figuratively.  We are trying to be more conscious of our image, so we are not using the stick normally used to hit piñatas, but instead are hitting the donkeys with our fist, or donkey punching as we put it.  So far, it's working well, but we have to be careful, because some of our fellow protestors have taken to shooting the donkey."

What if Sarah Palin Gave FDR's Pearl Harbor Speech?

Hi, Mr. Vice President.  Hi, Mr. Speaker.  Hi, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives.  And, Hi, America!

[caption id="attachment_312" align="alignright" width="181" caption="This is Sarah Palin's serious face"][/caption]

Yesterday, December the 7^th, was a pretty crappy day, excuse my language.  For those of you that don't remember, those Japanese people bombed one of our patriotic military bases and attacked a lot of people who are fighting for our freedoms.

Before that, we liked Japan.  They helped us with another vantage point of Russia.

But, get a load of this, America!  After those fighter planes bombed our brave, patriotic men and women protecting our freedoms, a politician from Japan met with our Receptionist of State and gave us a message.  They didn't say anything about the attack!  Can you believe it?

Now, everybody knows that Japan is pretty far from Hawaii.  Imagine how long it would take to drive there!  We know that they must have been cooking this up for quite some time, let me tell you!  While they were doing the planning, they were telling us that they wanted peace.  I don't know about you, but talking about peace while dropping bombs is pretty darn hypocritical.  In Alaska, we would say that the Japanese are talking out both sides of their eyes.

I'm not going to lie to you, we lost a lot of brave Real Americans yesterday.  In addition, we also lost a lot of fine ships.  These ships were in Pearl Harbor and also out in other waters.

They did not just attack us.  They attacked a bunch of other places.

Rupert Murdoch Chooses Karl Rove for "Outrage Czar"

In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage.  Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently.  Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the "Outrage Czar", a newly created position within Murdoch's companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.

[caption id="attachment_308" align="alignright" width="221" caption="Karl does his imitation of a rooster with a birth defect"][/caption]

Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task.  However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge.  "For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected," Murdoch says.  "We had groups of interns working around the clock on our 'consistency squad.'  Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea.  Forget it!  We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama.  We fired the 'consistency squad' then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts."

Rove explains, "The American people, our viewers especially, have a very short memory, especially for boring things like politics.  They can't and won't follow a long argument about the moral and ethical consequences of enhanced interrogation, but they can follow snappy sound bites like 'torture works and is totally awesome!'  I just took that simplicity and applied it to Obama.  It's a very simple formula: 'Obama did something today, here's how his actions today are destroying America.'"

Some people are concerned America has a finite source of outrage.  Rove disagrees, stating that outrage is a renewable resource and is simply replenished by a night's sleep.  Murdoch agrees.  "Karl's strategy is both simple and brilliant.  Obama does something every day.  With our vast panel of paid experts, we can always find someone to explain how his actions are leading us towards socialism.  One day, an intern accidently wrote 'fascist' instead of 'socialist' on the graphic and we learned another interesting thing.  None of our viewers know the difference."

Obama Awarded Peace Prize for Historic "Beer Summit"

BREAKING:

President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news.  The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck's ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers.  This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man.  Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals.  Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.

[caption id="attachment_301" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Karl Rove Follows Beck's Lead"][/caption]

When the President decided to host the "Beer Summit" at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, "just a few guys having a beer and talking."  But the responsible media knew the truth.  This was big.  Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.

The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further.  "It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama," said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee.

Debut Single - My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

For all 3 of you who were waiting for this, here ya go!  The anthem of the teabaggers.

http://jimmywellington.com/obamasong2.mp3

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us

With a nod, a smile and wink

But thanks toCharlie’s gotcha questions

Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She’s telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

This is not the country I know
I thought we all were meant to get our say
Our Founding Fathers must be wond’ring
Since when’s Hawaii a state anyway?

We aired our grievances at town halls
Called our representative a whore
We wouldn’t listen to their answers
We just shouted shouted ’til we passed out on the floor

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

We all should have seen this coming
But Obama’s halo blinded us
We all wanted hope and change
Instead my dear Grandma was turned to dust

It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
In fact we can’t say “Christmas” anymore
Please find a hiding place for Grandpa
Obama’s jackboot thugs are at the door

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

But as for Michelle Bachmann, she believes.

But as for Sarah Palin, she believes.

President of MTV "Freezes" While Kanye West Terrorizes VMAs

Seemingly taking a cue from Congressman Joe Wilson, Kanye West violated the sacred decorum usually associated with the Video Music Awards when he took Taylor Swift's microphone while she was giving her acceptance speech last night.  West went on to complain that singer Beyonce deserved the honor, only to be greeted with a chorus of boos from the audience.

[caption id="attachment_273" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This photo is completely real"][/caption]

While this was happening, many were wondering why West was allowed to take to the stage so easily.  Why did the broadcast not cut to commercial?  This morning, the answer to those questions became clear.

VMA host Russell Brand, "I wanted to go to commercial, but a decision that drastic had to be deferred to the President, Van Toffler.  I tried to reach him as soon as we realized what was happening.  We saw Kanye making his way to the stage.  Toffler gave us no response, he just froze."

At the time, Toffler was giving a speech to other MTV executives.  A witness describes the scene in the room as: "Total silence.  Someone came in the room and whispered in his ear that Kanye West had just taken the microphone from Taylor Swift.  He just looked stunned, then he went back to reading from his report.  He told us after that he didn't want people to panic."

Toffler could not be reached for comment.

Brand is upset that more wasn't done to prevent a Kanye attack.  "We received intelligence that Kanye West was planning on attacking the awards with douchebaggery, but nobody paid attention to it.  We even knew to focus on the stage, because Kanye would want to maximize his audience.  This situation could have easily been prevented.  It's not like he hasn't done this before."

Comedian Mike Myers agrees that more should be done to prevent future Kanye West attacks.  "When he said 'George Bush doesn't care about black people' you saw the shock on my face.  I was caught completely off guard.  We should know better now.  We should have learned.  I know I'll never forget."

Concerned Parent Recommends Pulling Children From al-Gebra Classes Due to Fears of Indoctrination

While Barack Obama's speech to America's children has been written about in newspapers and discusses on news commentary shows, a Morristown man has been trying to raise awareness of an issue he feels is even more important.

[caption id="attachment_268" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The Qu'ran is in here, I just know it!"][/caption]

"I'm not one of those crazy folk who thinks that Barack Obama is going to come out and openly attempt to indoctrinate our children with his Muslim socialist fascist views," said Kyle Newton, a parent.  "I think that he, and people like him, are going to be much more subtle."

Newton believes he has figured it out, thanks to a tip from a friend, who was taking a world religion course at a local community college.

"He was telling me all about the different contributions that the arabs have made to our culture," Newton said.  "He's a nice guy, so I figured I'd humor him and pretend to be interested.  I could hardly hide my shock when he told me that the arabs invented algebra.  I thought I had to turn to a reliable source before I believed that nonsense."

After looking on Wikipedia, Newton says he was convinced. 

Obama Describes Kennedy's Commitment to Universal Social Networking

Ted Kennedy was laid to rest today, and President Barack Obama provided a stirring eulogy, which focused on one of the late Senator's dying wishes for America.  Obama spoke at length of Kennedy's desire that everyone, both rich and poor, from both upper and lower classes, of all races, had access to quality social networking sites.

[caption id="attachment_253" align="alignright" width="192" caption="He's tweeting out of frame"][/caption]

"To paraphrase his brother Jack," Obama said, "Ask not what Facebook can do for you; ask what you can do for Facebook.  You say the quizzes are boring?  What are you doing to make them better?"

Kennedy believed that all Americans had an inherent right to share the minutiae of their lives with the world.  He pointed to programs in other countries that provided Facebook accounts and internet access to all their citizens, something lacking in the United States.

Look at me! - Part Two

I had an brief but interesting discussion with a much more accomplished writer about this article .  I am not going to use his name, in case I misrepresent his position (it's hard to have a reasonable discussion in 140 character bursts.)  He said that he agreed with the data, but disagreed with the conclusion, saying, "Ultimately, my take is that people love to talk about themselves and showcase expertise. Soc.media enables that."

Perhaps because I have narcissistic tendencies, I agree with the article's conclusions that there is a strong attraction for people to use Twitter and Facebook as a tool for validation.  In fact, in my post "Look at Me!" I used the same phrase as the author does - "The Age of Entitlement."  I believe that social networking tools provide a benefit.  I'm very happy that I have been able to re-connect with friends with whom I've lost contact over time, although I have to say that I could do with less updates about their kids, but maybe that's just me.  I find Twitter to be very useful, as I always have been more adept at coming up with funny headlines or one-liners, while writing a full story can be arduous.  I find Twitter's 140 character limit freeing.

Damon, Carlton, and a Polar Bear (and me!)

[caption id="attachment_234" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Sweet!"][/caption]

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of the television show Lost.  For example, I spent a large part of my trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art trying to find the four-toed statue.  When I heard that the people behind the show were going to sell prints from an artist based on the Lost mythology as part of a plan to promote Season Six, I was really interested.  When the first print when up for sale, I ordered one.  I'm not sure if they are still available, but take a look here: http://actuallyitsketchup.com/dcpb/I/

It came yesterday, so I was really excited.  I was also intrigued because Fed Ex had left a package delivery attempt note on our door that said we had another package.  Neither my wife nor I had ordered anything else lately so we were both at a loss for what it could be.  I thought to myself, "Self, there's no way it could be something else from Lost, right?

Wrong.

It turns out that I was the first person to place an order for the first print.  The artist sent me a print(24/30) of the original Damon, Carlton, and a Polar Bear painting!  To see what that's all about, start here: http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Damon,_Carlton,_and_a_Polar_Bear

Keep your eyes out for the next print.  Who knows, maybe they'll be doing this for future prints!

Jimmy

Independent Death Contractors Fear Competition From Government Run Death Panels

Information has recently surfaced linking lobbying groups such as Freedom Works to sites that promote "grassroots"

[caption id="attachment_227" align="alignright" width="199" caption="Would you have this man killed by amateurs?"][/caption]

support for protestors seeking to "break up" town hall meetings about health care reform.  Media outlets in the left, such as The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, have been investigating connections between these seemingly spontaneous supports of anger and lobbying firms which appear to be funding them.  Today, there was a new and surprising development in the investigation.  Sources indictate that a lobbying firm, Totally Transparent and Honest Citizens for Change, has been producing radio and television advertisements describing health care reform as "a secret plot to kill old people," as Maddow often desribes such scare tactics.

Political advertisements are often funded by special interest groups, so the discovery that TTHCC is producing these advertisements is not shocking, or even surprising.  However, it is the special interest group that hired the firm that is the story.  The firm was hired by the small yet powerful Serial Killers of the Elderly lobby.

Song Parody: My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

(to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer")

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can't believe that we were so naive
You say there's no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

[caption id="attachment_211" align="alignright" width="259" caption="Save Granny!"][/caption]

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us
With a nod, a smile and wink
But thanks toCharlie's gotcha questions
Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She's telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can't believe that we were so naive
You say there's no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

The Secret World of Political Alts

Many in the online community are familiar with the practice of using "alts," or an additional profile that the user logs in as to say things that they wouldn't want coming from their primary profile.  Additionally, people use alts to "troll" discussion forums or comment sections on websites, which is a practice in which the user makes a series of inflammatory statements meant only to provoke a strong reaction from the website's other users.

[caption id="attachment_188" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Just sayin'"][/caption]

In the last few years, unknown to most, these two trends have been making the transition from the internet to the real world.  While obviously false public personas like Stephen Colbert, Sasha Baron Cohen's "Borat," and Ann Coulter have inundated the airwaves, they never truly crossed over into the political world.  Until Decision 2008.

"Looking back on it, how can you not conclude that the 2008 Presidential campaign was just a series of practical jokes?" says celebrtiy internet trend consultant Rick the Analyst.  The Democrats nominated a black guy, whose middle name is Hussein.  I mean, come on!"

Christian Cleaners: "No More Wire Hangers!"

The debate over abortion has broken out in an unlikely place: dry cleaners.  Most people think of their local dry cleaners as a place where they can bring their clothes to have them professionally cleaned and pressed.  To such an uninformed consumer, all those paper-enveloped wire hangers are simply a place to hang a shirt.  However, these useful tools can be used to perform "back-alley abortions," creating a moral dillema for Christian dry cleaners.

Emboldened by the recent stories regarding Christian pharmacists refusing to dispense the Plan B emergency contraceptive, a small, but growing group of Christian dry cleaners are refusing to use wire hangers at their businesses.

Welcome to the new site!

Welcome to everyone who knew me from my work at The Fake News, as well as anyone who just happened upon this site.  My old site focused only on news satire, which I enjoyed and still enjoy.  However, it was a lot of work to keep up a feasible posting schedule.  Also, I wanted to post other content in addition to news satire.  Anyway, keep checking back and thanks for stopping by!

UPDATE:

I think I am going to move the majority of stories from The Fake News here in the next little while.

Palin Book Titles

We know it's coming, but what will it be called?

My pick is "As I Say, Lying."  What do you think?

Moving on up!

I'm moving to www.jimmywellington.com starting next week. Please update your bookmarks (ha ha!) accordingly.

What If Sarah Palin Gave The Gettysburg Address?

After Gov. Palin's rambling, incoherent resignation speech, I began to wonder what it would have been like if she had given famous speeches throughout history. Here's Part One: Gettysburg.

Hi Gettysburg. About eighty some odd years ago in the past, those brave forefathers of ours gave a precious gift to US. They gave (to us!) this amazing country of ours that we live and reside in, founded in God's LIBERTY!! And also, it's dedicated to the fact that all of us are created by God, who is so amazing, to be the same.

What if Sarah Palin Wrote The Gettysburg Address?

After Gov. Palin's rambling, incoherent resignation speech, I began to wonder what it would have been like if she had given famous speeches throughout history. Here's Part One: Gettysburg.

Hi Gettysburg. About eighty some odd years ago in the past, those brave forefathers of ours gave a precious gift to US. They gave (to us!) this amazing country of ours that we live and reside in, founded in God's LIBERTY!! And also, it's dedicated to the fact that all of us are created by God, who is so amazing, to be the same.

Right now, even as I stand here before you to speak, this great country of ours is wrapped up in a battle for Real Americans against people led by those chattering class intellectual elites who sit in their ivory towers and plan to try to destroy me. Right here on this war zone, I stand READY to take those people on! I do this in the memory of our brave soldiers who fight and die to protect our freedoms, like the First Amendment, that guarantees me the ability to speak what I believe in my heart to be true without those in the press conducting a witch hunt of me and my financial transactions. And here at this site where brave men like my son Track fought and died for those hard-fought liberties that I and my children, who are here with me: Bristol, Willow, and Piper – say "Hi" kids!, enjoy so much since they live in this great country of ours.

However, If we take a step back and look at the bird's eye big picture view, our brave men and women like my son Track have made this ground even more special than words can ever do. Even after I make this speech, and the press "fact checks" (important: make sure to use finger quotes for that dramatic effect) it, and points out all the alleged "factual discrepancies," (more finger quotes!) and those talking heads on the television spend a week talking about it and I pick a fight with one of them and the press talks about it for another week and I do something completely impulsive and unexpected and the press talks about it some more - as long as that lasts, we will never forget the sacrifices our brave men and woman made to protect our freedoms. Those of us who make up the group of the living need to get those hands dirty and those noses to that grindstone to keep going forward with that GREAT mission that our brave men and women in uniform started, in addition to protecting our freedoms. It's just so important for us here now to realize how much further we have to go to protect this great country built buy our brilliant, patriotic forefathers and protected by our brave men and women in uniform, some of whom have given the ultimate sacrifice, giving their own God-given life in defense of this great nation. And we need to say to them, "Listen guys and gals, we will make sure that us Real Americans always remember your sacrifice!" And our nation, under God, indivisible, with LIBERTY and justice for all, will be born again in freedom and liberty and justice for all. And we will always remember and we will never forget, that America is the greatest country on Earth and although many things divide us, our faith in God unites us and will continue to keep us going forward on that bright road of democracy. God bless you, and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

You Should Be Afraid of the Dark (Man)

I wrote a post a few weeks back about discovering the Grammar Girl podcast. The woman behind Grammar Girl has started another podcast, called "Behind the Grammar," in which she interviews authors and writes about literature. Through this podcast, I learned about author J.C. Hutchins, and his latest novel Personal Effects: Dark Art.

I read many genres of literature, but I really enjoy a good thriller. I decided to buy his novel based soley on his interview on the "Behind the Grammar" podcast. I was mainly intrigued by the unique method of storytelling Hutchins and his collaborator Jordan Weisman used to unspool a rich tapestry of terror, revenge, and mystery. You see, Personal Effects: Dark Art is not just a book, it's an experience.

You Should Be Afraid of the Dark (Man)

I wrote a post a few weeks back about discovering the Grammar Girl podcast. The woman behind Grammar Girl has started another podcast, called "Behind the Grammar," in which she interviews authors and writes about literature. Through this podcast, I learned about author JC Hutchins, and his latest novel Personal Effects: Dark Art.

I read many genres of literature, but I really enjoy a good thriller. I decided to buy his novel based soley on his interview on the "Behind the Grammar" podcast. I was mainly intrigued by the unique method of storytelling Hutchins and his collaborator Jordan Weisman used to unspool a rich tapestry of terror, revenge, and mystery. You see, Personal Effects: Dark Art is not just a book, it's an experience.

Each reader will find, enclosed in a pocket attached to the inside front cover, a pile of paper and plastic. A driver's license and bank card for one Martin Grace, who is apparently a character in the book. Copies of birth and death certificates. A strange, incredibly colored drawing. A letter from the...CIA? What the...?

These "personal effects" are an integral part of the story. While the novel itself is very entertaining, the other aspects (in addition to the personal effects, the reader finds websites to visit, numbers to call, passwords to suss out) immerse the reader in an alternate world, in which the reader has access to more information than do the characters in the story.

The plot centers around Zach Taylor, an art therapist who works at a psychiatric hospital lovingly referred to as "The Brink." He uses art to help his patients work through their myriad of psychiatric issues, many of which are interesting enough to merit their own book. When he attempts to treat the aforementioned Grace, a psychosomatically blind man who is accused of murdering a dozen people in amazingly gruesome fashion, his ability is severely tested and his own dark past intertwines with his patient's.

After finishing the book, I'm still left with unsolved questions and nagging inconsistencies. Why did one of the characters refer to another character by a name he shouldn't have known about? Why is the story Zach Taylor tells different than an incident report? How does information found on one of the fake web sites about Zach's lineage fit into the story?

My wife and I have an agreement that I'm not allowed to talk during any type of mystery movie or television show, because I have an awesome (annoying if you ask her) knack for figuring out what will happen before we're meant to know. With this story, I was able to see some plot twists coming, while others surprised me. Some of this was definitely due to scrutinizing the "personal effects" as soon as I opened the package from Amazon.

In addition to being a writer who has a vision of the future of storytelling, Hutchins is one of the most accessible writers I've encountered. I sent him several direct messages on Twitter and he replied to all of them. It seems that he spends a great deal of time interacting with his fans, which I know from my experience running The Fake News can be a time consuming process.

If you like thriller/horror novels, I urge you to pick up Personal Effects: Dark Art by J.C. Hutchins and Jordan Weisman. You'll find out that even if you can't see in the dark, the dark can see you!

Words Have Meaning: Empathy Already Has a Definition, Senator

In general, I want to stay away from politics in my "serious writing," at least for the time being. Talking about politics ostracizes people who don't agree with you, and it's not a smart idea to alienate potential readers. However, my interest in language takes me into the realm of politics today, although I will attempt to treat the issue objectively.

In yesterday's Congressional hearing on the confirmation of Judge Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions said this: “Empathy for one party is always prejudice against another.” This quote is absolutely ludicrous.

Words Have Meaning: Empathy already has a definition, Senator

In general, I want to stay away from politics on this blog, at least for the time being. Talking about politics ostracizes people who don't agree with you, and it's not a smart idea to alienate potential readers. However, my interest in language takes me into the realm of politics today, although I will attempt to treat the issue objectively.

In yesterday's Congressional hearing on the confirmation of Judge Sotomayor to the US Supreme Court, Alabama Senator Jeff Sessions said this: “Empathy for one party is always prejudice against another.” This quote is absolutely ludicrous.

According to the Merriam-Webster Dictionary, empathy is defined as:

1: the imaginative projection of a subjective state into an object so that the object appears to be infused with it

2: the action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another of either the past or present without having the feelings, thoughts, and experience fully communicated in an objectively explicit manner ; also : the capacity for this.

Notice that there is no mention of bias in either of the definitions. As a future educator, it disgusts me to see empathy, which I feel is vital to fully understanding any subject, used in a negative connotation. Empathy is being able to see another point of view, it has nothing to do with being biased towards that point of view.

I realize that much of the debate deals with Judge Sotomayor's alleged reliance on emotion rather than the rule of law. As I said earlier, I'm not using this forum to discuss that topic. However, I simply cannot sit idly by while United States Senators are changing the meaning of words. If Senator Sessions means bias, he should use that word. Empathy is such a positive trait that it is absolutely despicable for him to drag this word into the mud with him.

The word "empathy" already has a definition, Senator.

Anything I Can Do You Can Do Better

Don't you hate it when you come up with a brilliant idea, a fantastic way to satisfy an itch that nobody else is scratching, only to find out that someone else has been doing it for years? It reminds me of the time that I created an animated sitcom about a fat man who is inexplicably married to a beautiful woman, also featuring a talking dog and a baby bent on world destruction.

I thought it would be a great idea to come up with a series of posts that explain common grammatical problems in a fun way that people can remember. I still think this is a great idea, but my enthusiasm is somewhat tempered by the discovery that someone has been doing it. For years.

Anything I can do you can do better

Don't you hate it when you come up with a brilliant idea, a fantastic way to satisfy an itch that nobody else is scratching, only to find out that someone else has been doing it for years? It reminds me of the time that I created an animated sitcom about a fat man who is inexplicably married to a beautiful woman, also featuring a talking dog and a baby bent on world destruction.

I thought it would be a great idea to come up with a series of posts that explain common grammatical problems in a fun way that people can remember. I still think this is a great idea, but my enthusiasm is somewhat tempered by the discovery that someone has been doing it. For years.

So, allow me to fully endorse Mignon Fogarty, aka Grammar Girl, who hosts the Grammar Girl podcast, which is found on iTunes or at her site http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/. It's pretty much everything I had thought of doing, but done much, much better.

Each podcast addresses a common grammar stumbling block in a humorous and memorable way. Her show is sort of a "Grammar for Dummies" in concept, but without the unfortunate title of that series. Seriously, why would anyone want to buy a book supposedly marketed to "dummies?" I guess "Plumbing For People Who Are Knowledgeable in Other Areas But Not Well Versed in the Field of Plumbing" doesn't fit on the cover. Aside: Do they make Depression for Dummies? That book seems counterproductive to me:

Patient: "I'm feeling much better. This book has really helped me to understand my condition *looks at cover* Now I feel worse about myself again..."

But seriously, check out the podcast.

The Value of Literature

Many people have asked me*, "Jimmy, why do you plan on leaving such a brilliant career in unrecognized comedy writing to teach English to high school students?" I firmly believe that the value of literature is that it helps us to understand ourselves and the world around us. In addition, studying literature involves developing skills like empathy that help us better ourselves.

The value of literature

Many people have asked me*, "Jimmy, why do you plan on leaving such a brilliant career in unrecognized comedy writing to teach English to high school students?" I firmly believe that the value of literature is that it helps us to understand ourselves and the world around us. In addition, studying literature involves developing skills like empathy that help us better ourselves.

After following the events taking place in Iran the past few weeks, I began to think about how the situation there was so much different than in Iraq, and how it represents two different ways of going about achieving a democratic government. In Iraq, we basically told the Iraqi people, "you want a democracy because democracy is the best and you want it." The Iranian people are standing up for themselves, without outside assistance or provocation, and demanding that their voices be heard. It's a huge difference.

As I was flipping through my Norton's Anthology of American Literature, Volume II last night, I came across an epigraph W.E.B. Du Bois used for his essay "Of Mr. Booker T. Washington and Others." He quoted a line from a Byron peom: "Hereditary Bondsmen! Know ye not / Who would be free themselves must strike the blow?" (Childe Harold's Pilgrimage, Canto 2, 76.720-1)

I know this is not exactly earth-shattering analysis of literature's value, but I thought it was a good example of why I'm planning on spending my life studying and teaching it. I think that our world would be a little better if everyone turned off the television and read for an extra hour a day. Try it, it can't make things worse!

*These conversations take place entirely in my head.

The Sad State of Writing, Volume 2 - or "there's no excuse for mixing 'an' and 'and"

Today's common writing error is the most baffling to me, because I see no logical reason for anyone to use "and" when they mean "an." I continue to see people write sentences such as, "I am and adult!" Does anyone have a theory about why people do this?

That's all for now. I have to read a Henry James story, "The Beast in the Jungle," for my American Literature class. I don't trust anyone with two first names, especially when both of those names are English monarchs.

UPDATE: I finished the story. Surprisingly, it wasn't about a man with a ridiculously thick swath of pubic hair.

The Sad State of Writing, Volume 2 - or "there's no excuse for mixing 'an' and 'and"

Today's common writing error is the most baffling to me, because I see no logical reason for anyone to use "and" when they mean "an." I continue to see people write sentences such as, "I am and adult!" Does anyone have a theory about why people do this?

That's all for now. I have to read a Henry James story, "The Beast in the Jungle," for my American Literature class. I don't trust anyone with two first names, especially when both of those names are English monarchs.

UPDATE: I finished the story. Surprisingly, it wasn't about a man with a ridiculously thick swath of pubic hair.

The sad state of writing - or, I'm going to loose my mind

Since I started going back to college three years ago, I have been baffled by the decline in basic writing skills, even on the college level. Therefore, I'm starting a series of posts which will point out the most common writing mistakes I encounter, as well as a (hopefully easy) way to not make the mistake in the future.

First up: the apparently difficult distinction between the word "loose" and the word "lose." This is one of the more baffling mistakes because it can be so easily avoided. While I've seen something like "I always seem to loose my car keys" written, I have yet to hear someone verbally use the wrong word. I guess the key is to learn or remember that loose rhymes with noose. "The loose noose still caused him to lose his life."

The sad state of writing - or, I'm going to loose my mind

Since I started going back to college three years ago, I have been baffled by the decline in basic writing skills, even on the college level. Therefore, I'm starting a series of posts which will point out the most common writing mistakes I encounter, as well as a (hopefully easy) way to not make the mistake in the future.

First up: the apparently difficult distinction between the word "loose" and the word "lose." This is one of the more baffling mistakes because it can be so easily avoided. While I've seen something like "I always seem to loose my car keys" written, I have yet to hear someone verbally use the wrong word. I guess the key is to learn or remember that loose rhymes with noose. "The loose noose still caused him to lose his life."

Carlin and Orwell

While most people know George Carlin as the guy from the "7 words" bit, I believe that he was much more than that. I see him as an Orwell-like defender of language, and for that we should be eternally grateful. Very near the top of my list of Orwell's important works is his essay "Politics and the English Language," which, among other topics, discusses the abundance of euphemistic language, and its damaging effect on writing.

Carlin's bit, "Euphemisms," addresses the same issue, and even more clearly shows the effect of euphemistic language on discourse, and, even more importantly, thought. Since language is the concrete instrument by which we convey abstract ideas, the language we use has a monumental impact on thought. In the bit, Carlin traced the history of the concept initially labeled "shell shock" to its present day incarnation of "post-traumatic stress disorder." Most important is the end, where he says "I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it Shell Shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha. I'll betcha."

Carlin and Orwell

While most people know George Carlin as the guy from the "7 words" bit, I believe that he was much more than that. I see him as an Orwell-like defender of language, and for that we should be eternally grateful. Very near the top of my list of Orwell's important works is his essay "Politics and the English Language," which, among other topics, discusses the abundance of euphemistic language, and its damaging effect on writing.

Carlin's bit, "Euphemisms," addresses the same issue, and even more clearly shows the effect of euphemistic language on discourse, and, even more importantly, thought. Since language is the concrete instrument by which we convey abstract ideas, the language we use has a monumental impact on thought. In the bit, Carlin traced the history of the concept initially labeled "shell shock" to its present day incarnation of "post-traumatic stress disorder." Most important is the end, where he says "I'll bet you if we'd of still been calling it Shell Shock, some of those Viet Nam veterans might have gotten the attention they needed at the time. I'll betcha. I'll betcha."

Carlin points out, as Orwell did repeatedly, that the language we use affects the way in which we think, which affects the actions we take, individually and as a society. While politics is the most obvious forum for euphemistic language, it has contaminated our language's water supply, impacting every aspect of our lives.

Both Carlin and Orwell believe that we use euphemistic language to avoid dealing with the harsh realities of life. It's become progressively worse over time. It hurts when a loved one dies, so we say that they "passed away," which may make it sound better in the short term, but at some point we have to deal with the certainty that we will never see that person again on Earth (or never if you do not believe in an afterlife). They are gone, and it sucks. You can deep fry an anchovy repeatedly, but once you bite through the layers of delicious dough and powdered sugar, it still tastes horrible inside.

Look At Me!

In just over 200 years, humanity has progressed from the Age of Enlightenment to the Age of Entitlement. We want everything and we want it now. Delayed gratification now means you have to wait 2 minutes for your free pirated movie to download. We as a society need to be constantly validated, both at the personal and professional level.

Look at Me!

In just over 200 years, humanity has progressed from the Age of Enlightenment to the Age of Entitlement. We want everything and we want it now. Delayed gratification now means you have to wait 2 minutes for your free pirated movie to download. We as a society need to be constantly validated, both at the personal and professional level.

I certainly am not immune. Most mornings I log into Facebook and immediately look to the lower right hand corner. That's right. The Red Badge of Narcissism. Surely someone must have been sufficiently amused by some silly comment I made to take the time to reply, validating my wit with a red square. I'm often disappointed when I find out that instead of writing and telling me how funny I am, they've merely clicked the "Like this" button, which is the Facebook equivalent of the IM "LOL," which I would guess is only 1% of the time accompanied by actual audible laughter.

Our online worth is now being measured by how many Twitter followers we have, although again this number is deceiving. I'm still fairly new to Twitter (I did not sign up for a long time soley because of how stupid I think the word "Tweet" is) and I'm learning that some people have a compulsion to follow as many people as they can, likely believing that the person will see that they have a new follower and return the favor - a reciprocal validationary event, as George Carlin would have sarcastically referred to it.

Why is this happening? I'm not sure, although there seem to be a lot of societal forces working in concert. All I know is that I'm going to buy stock in replacement F5 keys.

Don't call it a comeback!

Well, let's give this another shot. I started a Twitter feed and a Facebook page. I'm planning on using this blog for writing projects that go over 140 characters. Yeah, like that's ever going to happen.

CKO Logo idea

This is a rough version of an idea someone had for a CKO logo for Augusta/Franklin. Click on the image for full size.

 



 

You Shouldn’t Read This if You Have the Following Medical Conditions...

Shortly after the premiere of their sitcom “My Name is Earl,” NBC introduced a marketing campaign so annoying that I had to change the radio station any time that it came across the airwaves. The premise of the advertisements was that we were supposed to be listening in on a normal conversation that several co-workers were having on their lunch break. I can’t recall the exact wording, but it went something like this:

“Have you guys seen that new show on NBC with Jason Lee?”

“You mean that guy from the movies? I love him!”

“Yeah, he’s so funny in this show! Let me tell you what the show is about...”

As you can see, this “conversation” is about as believable as the questions in Parade magazine. “I just love that Dennis Quaid! Can you tell me what he’s up to?” “I loved Baby Geniuses Two, is it too much to hope that number three is in the works?”

Unfortunately, this advertising technique has spread to television. The first example that comes to mind is the television spot for the birth control pill Yaz. For those lucky few that haven’t seen it, this ad takes the viewer inside a perfectly natural conversation among a group of friends who are discussing this new birth control pill that one of them heard about.

In an amazing stroke of luck, one of them just happens to be a doctor and is able to provide them with the details of the pill’s effects. Apparently, she is not only a doctor, but she also happens to be a lawyer for the company that makes the pill, because she is able to discuss all the side effects that one might encounter in the course of taking this wonderful medicine. For example, her friends shouldn’t take it if they have certain medical conditions, such as (oh, just off the top of my head) cardiovascular disease, which my friends and I often refer to in the course of our conversations.

“Hey man, what’s going on? Have you talked to your doctor about that pain in your leg?”

“Yeah, he gave me something to take. I think it’s called Balflix or something like that.”

“Wow, I heard about that medication! I’ve heard you shouldn’t take it if you have certain medical conditions such as chronic lung disease, advanced HIV or AIDS, or if you’re pregnant or may become pregnant.”

“Wow thanks! I wish my doctor knew this stuff! Thank God I have you, friend!”

Another advertising trend that is growing ever more irritating is the “unnecessary foreign accent.” At first, a spokesman with a refined British accent was employed to imply that the product in question is normally discussed during tea by the Queen of England. Unfortunately, in the same way that “Survivor” spawned such trash as “Boy Meets Boy,” uncreative ad execs decided that if they couldn’t come up with a new and innovative campaign, hiring some foreign guy will do quite nicely.

The majority of you have likely been subjected to the inanity of the new cable ad in which not one, but three foreign guys dance around and speak with an unintelligible foreign accent. The creators of this ad have bravely bucked the long-standing maxim that a potential client should be able to understand a product pitch. When an advertisement reminds me of the three dancing scissor-wielding nihilists from “The Big Lebowski,” I’m not likely to want to buy that product.

Finally, a special section of hell must have been created for whoever is responsible for the latest series of Verizon commercials. First of all, if you are a sweaty Cro-Magnon man that I don’t know, please don’t accost me and place your sweaty ear buds in my ears, stating that I must hear this new song. Based on your appearance, there is a good chance that I will get some kind of infection, and I don’t want to have to ask my doctor what medication I should take to counteract it. I don’t want to play “side-effects roulette.” You see, my friend said that medication may cause increased urination, heart attacks or a stroke.

You Shouldn’t Read This if You Have the Following Medical Conditions...

Shortly after the premiere of their sitcom “My Name is Earl,” NBC introduced a marketing campaign so annoying that I had to change the radio station any time that it came across the airwaves. The premise of the advertisements was that we were supposed to be listening in on a normal conversation that several co-workers were having on their lunch break. I can’t recall the exact wording, but it went something like this:

“Have you guys seen that new show on NBC with Jason Lee?”

“You mean that guy from the movies? I love him!”

“Yeah, he’s so funny in this show! Let me tell you what the show is about...”

As you can see, this “conversation” is about as believable as the questions in Parade magazine. “I just love that Dennis Quaid! Can you tell me what he’s up to?” “I loved Baby Geniuses Two, is it too much to hope that number three is in the works?”

A few random musings

So I was driving today, and we passed a sign on the highway that said "Speed enforced by aircraft". It's probably just me (it usually is), but does anyone else have a mental image of an F-16 coming down and blowing up some car on the highway?

I go even further and picture a scene like this in some control bunker somewhere:

"Red team, do you copy? I have a report of a red Mazda Miata California plate Echo Victor Foxtrot one six niner on interstate 5 going ninety five miles per hour. We have orders to terminate this vehicle. There can be no room for error. This is not a drill, I say again, this is not a drill. Godspeed."

Also, it was nice of the Giants to show up today. No, they played really great. If you're a Carolina fan...

My secret? I throw up to lose weight!

Isn't it great that right about the time that US Weekly proclaims on their cover that inside is "Lindsay Lohan's dieting secret", it comes out that she was bulemic?

I'm shocked. Shocked I tell you. I never saw that one coming. I guess all last year she was telling the truth when she said she was eating well. She just neglected to mention how long the food would stay in her body.

I love IMing

I like to think that I have some pretty funny IM conversations. And since I'm bored and have nothing else to post, here is one... The other name has been changed, to protect something or other.

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: you still golf

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: ?

[22:03] drevil877: i haven't had time lately

[22:03] drevil877: i have a free round for 2 with a cart at the Bonita course whenever I can

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: im going for the first time in 10 years, next week

[22:04] drevil877: wow

[22:04] drevil877: let me know how it turns out

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: its going to be ugly

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: but itll be fun

[22:04] drevil877: i heard that the trick is to not take a lot of swings

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: ha

[22:05] drevil877: and to hit it straight

[22:05] drevil877: and far, except when putting

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: im going to practice my slice

[22:05] drevil877: awesome

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: yup

[22:05] drevil877: i can slice the shit out of the ball

[22:06] drevil877: it's my best shot

[22:06] jimmy’s friend: yeah i plan on using mine to its full advantage

[22:06] drevil877: i find it's best to line up at a 90 degree angle

[22:06] drevil877: with the hole on your right

Today's burning question: Am I the only one that was shocked when Brooke Shields said she was pregnant again?

Seriously, am I the only one that thinks that maybe this isn't such a great idea?

Have baby.
Get severe post-partum depression
Make lots of money selling book about post partum depression
Immediately have another baby.

Is she just using this baby to set up a book franchise thing? "Down came the rain...again!" And this time it's pouring!

I'll leave you with this quote:

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." - Brooke Shields.

Hey Brooke, Depression can kill.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important chance to
make money.

Fat? Skinny? It doesn't matter, you're still not hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Fat? Skinny? It Doesn't Matter, You're Still Not Hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Traffic, Just Talking About Traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

The debut of "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot"

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot" Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

"Hot Chicks" Who Aren't Hot

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks Who Aren't Hot."  Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Traffic, just talking about traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

Mmmmm... Moolatte

See, Dairy Queen stole my idea. This is dangerously close to the Coffee Mulatto.

Random Thoughts

Remember that drink at Dunkin Donuts? The Coffee Coolata, or whatever? Wouldn't it be great if someone had the balls to make the Coffee Mulatto? It would just be black coffee with milk, a revolutionary recipe!

I went to the Giants - Chargers game last night here in SD, and although it was fun, my Giants didn't get the result that I wanted to see.

I'm trying to teach myself to play golf, I got a book "Ben Hogan's Five Lessons", and it seems pretty good so far.

That's about it for me, I hope everyone's having a great time. Later

PS. My wife just showed me a very poorly named website.

www.artisanalcheese.com

So you think you can...work at Hooters?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0915051hooters1.html

Its secrets are guarded more closely than the code to Ft. Knox, but The Smoking Gun was able to obtain a copy. Is there anything those guys can't get?

My favorite part is where it talks about the pantyhose. If it runs, they are obligated to change it before they continue their shift. So if you really want to get back at a Hooters girl....um...do whatever it is that causes stocking runs.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.

I got a new (to me) car!

Well, here's my new car. It's a 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse GS with 54500 miles. I got it through my mechanic. ;)