Abortion Enthusiasts Excited for Health Care Reform

Today's political environment is dominated with extreme rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Talk of FEMA concentration camps, death panels, and a second hour of Glenn Beck are scaring naïve listeners. But there is one group who is not only not scared by these scare tactics, they are giddy with excitement.

Jenna is a budding abortion enthusiast and college student. "I am just so excited about the government funded abortions they say will be available when health care reform passes," she says. "I'd been waiting for so long to finally experience an abortion, and I'm psyched that it will finally be affordable."

Jenna says her sister, Jamie, has already had four abortions, and says she's not done yet. "I only need one more for my punchcard, then I'll get one free abortion with an equal or lesser priced invasive medical procedure," Jamie says. "With offers like that I'd be a fool not to get pregnant again. The seats in the waiting room are really comfy too."

The Best of Page 2 - Part One

In the early days of The Fake News, the site was updated like a newspaper (remember those?) with multiple longer stories and a few shorter ones.  Some of them were not that great.  Here are the best.

Inner City Youth Shot For His “WWJD?” Bracelet - A 15 year old Bridgeport youth was shot and killed yesterday in an attack that was surprisingly not gang related. The 25 youths interviewed by police as witnesses say that they were just “sitting on their porch, drinking 40s, minding their own business”, when a car drove by and a boy jumped out, firing 2 shots into the 15 year old, whose name is not being released to the public because of his age.

Apparently, the only item taken from the youth was his bracelet, embroidered with the letters “WWJD?”, which stand for “What Would Jesus Do?”. Other valuables, such as the boy’s Michael Jordan sneakers, or his wallet containing $50, were not touched. The youth received the bracelet at a student outreach program sponsored by the local church. The boy’s parents hope that the attacker will read the bracelet, think about what Jesus would do, and turn himself into authorities.

Anal Retentive Man Washes Hair Perpetually - Jim Hedgson, a local guidance counselor has been washing his hair for 3 years consecutively, and has no plans to stop any time soon. “I have this condition where I have to follow any directions that I read. The other day I noticed for the first time that my shampoo had instructions written on the back. They said: ‘Wet Hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.’ The directions are pretty obvious,” he told us through his shower curtain yesterday. When we informed him that the repetition of the first three steps are optional, he didn’t believe us. “That’s how people get hurt. Directions are necessary to maintain order.” The school administration has not yet noticed Hedgson’s absence.

Apple Attempts To "Sync" Women With iPad

It can be the most frightnening four words a man can ever hear: "I'm on my period."  This natural occurrence can unfortunately causes billions of women to behave for a few days in a manner which they would not normally behave.  Many companies have tried to take advantage of this recurring occasion to make a buck or two, and Apple is the latest to throw their hat in the ring.

[caption id="attachment_332" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Irritability? Bloating? There's an app for that."][/caption]

The Apple iPad provides all the protection of a regular Maxi pad, with a few added features to bring the product into the digital age.  The starter kit includes a very small Bluetooth device, which attaches to the iPad, that sends a signal to other iPad wearers.  In studies conducted by the company, women who are both wearing iPads are very likely to have their menstrual cycles occur at the same time through a proprietary process Apple calls "cyc sync."

The company promises future features such as the ability to upload stats to Facebook and automatically friend your "cyc sync" contacts.

According to Apple spokeswoman Lisa March, "studies have shown that women who share their common struggle form a bond that helps each to improve their own condition.  Women can share tips on medicine and other treatment options that make the time more bearable."

When asked why a woman couldn't just randomly "friend" women on Facebook and achieve the same effect, March said she was late for a lunch appointment.

The iPad Heavy model comes equipped with a headphone jack and 4 GB of memory.  Apple says the headphone configuration "is guaranteed to be a sure-fire conversation starter."

For women who are not a fan of Maxi Pads, Apple plans to introduce the sister model, the iPlug, early next year.

How to Avoid the Swine Flu

Rather than making fun of celebrities and politicians today, we decided to provide a special public service.  Since nobody is telling people how to avoid the H1N1 flu, more commonly referred to as "swine" flu, we decided to help you prepare for the impending Aporkalypse.  Since the number of the beast is 666, here are 6 ways to protect yourself and your family.

[caption id="attachment_327" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="This is NOT how to get swine flu"][/caption]

1.  No matter how hot you think that girl or guy at the club is, ask your friends for a second opinion before you take them home.  Your inebriation may cause you to succumb to the number one cause of contracting swine flu: having sex with a pig.

2.  If you sizzle and give off a delectable aroma when in direct sunlight, go see a doctor.

3.  If you need to cough, cough into another person's sleeve.  This "cough into your own sleeve" idea is counterproductive, as you will be in close contact to your sleeve for the rest of the day.

4.  Start and conclude each day with a shower with boiling hot water.  Second degree burns are a small price to pay for sanitation.

5.  Since vaccines are in short supply, every person does not need a vaccine.  Only one person in a couple needs to be vaccinated, the second person can be immunized through sexual contact with the vaccinated person.  Remember, no condom!

6.  Avoid populations that are closely associated with pigs, such as pig farmers, butchers, and police.

UPDATE!

7. Using hand sanitizer is a great idea.  To ensure removal of germs, make sure you have a good coat of sanitizer, then light it on fire.  The fire will roast any remaining germs.

Conservative Protestors Stage Donkey Punching Parties

Not satisfied with their efforts to, as they put it, "teabag the whitehouse," conservatives upset with President Barack Obama's policies have devised a new strategy to garner media attention: donkey punching.

[caption id="attachment_320" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's the spirit!"][/caption]

On April 15^th, many people held "Tea Parties," where they gathered, waved signs that made anyone associated with the English language cringe, and talked of teabagging.  Some carried signs such as "Teabag the Liberal Dems Before They Teabag You!"  Others planned on dumping large amounts of tea into bodies of water to replicate the Boston Tea Party and provide a little taste of home to any fish that had migrated from English waters and were missing a bit of the ole' Earl Grey.  Unfortunately, park police told the protestors that dumping tea in the water was not allowed.  "Just another example of how the government regulators are keeping us down," said protestor Harry Larrimore.  "Imagine if our founding fathers had to deal with this level of regulation! They would have been stuck signing forms and getting permits instead of protesting."

These teabagging parties received much coverage in the press, although much of it has been focused on the name they chose for their protesting activity. Apparently unbeknownst to the teabaggers, the name they chose to call themselves doubles as a reference to a sex act.  Because of this, much of the media has lampooned their protests, and the teabaggers feel their message is not getting through.

"We decided that we would focus on the antics of the Democrats, how they make us feel, and what we would like to do," said Larrimore.  "We know the symbol of the Democratic Party is a donkey, so we started thinking of donkey piñatas. The Democrats make us so angry that we want to hit them, not literally of course, but figuratively.  We are trying to be more conscious of our image, so we are not using the stick normally used to hit piñatas, but instead are hitting the donkeys with our fist, or donkey punching as we put it.  So far, it's working well, but we have to be careful, because some of our fellow protestors have taken to shooting the donkey."

What if Sarah Palin Gave FDR's Pearl Harbor Speech?

Hi, Mr. Vice President.  Hi, Mr. Speaker.  Hi, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives.  And, Hi, America!

[caption id="attachment_312" align="alignright" width="181" caption="This is Sarah Palin's serious face"][/caption]

Yesterday, December the 7^th, was a pretty crappy day, excuse my language.  For those of you that don't remember, those Japanese people bombed one of our patriotic military bases and attacked a lot of people who are fighting for our freedoms.

Before that, we liked Japan.  They helped us with another vantage point of Russia.

But, get a load of this, America!  After those fighter planes bombed our brave, patriotic men and women protecting our freedoms, a politician from Japan met with our Receptionist of State and gave us a message.  They didn't say anything about the attack!  Can you believe it?

Now, everybody knows that Japan is pretty far from Hawaii.  Imagine how long it would take to drive there!  We know that they must have been cooking this up for quite some time, let me tell you!  While they were doing the planning, they were telling us that they wanted peace.  I don't know about you, but talking about peace while dropping bombs is pretty darn hypocritical.  In Alaska, we would say that the Japanese are talking out both sides of their eyes.

I'm not going to lie to you, we lost a lot of brave Real Americans yesterday.  In addition, we also lost a lot of fine ships.  These ships were in Pearl Harbor and also out in other waters.

They did not just attack us.  They attacked a bunch of other places.

Rupert Murdoch Chooses Karl Rove for "Outrage Czar"

In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage.  Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently.  Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the "Outrage Czar", a newly created position within Murdoch's companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.

[caption id="attachment_308" align="alignright" width="221" caption="Karl does his imitation of a rooster with a birth defect"][/caption]

Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task.  However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge.  "For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected," Murdoch says.  "We had groups of interns working around the clock on our 'consistency squad.'  Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea.  Forget it!  We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama.  We fired the 'consistency squad' then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts."

Rove explains, "The American people, our viewers especially, have a very short memory, especially for boring things like politics.  They can't and won't follow a long argument about the moral and ethical consequences of enhanced interrogation, but they can follow snappy sound bites like 'torture works and is totally awesome!'  I just took that simplicity and applied it to Obama.  It's a very simple formula: 'Obama did something today, here's how his actions today are destroying America.'"

Some people are concerned America has a finite source of outrage.  Rove disagrees, stating that outrage is a renewable resource and is simply replenished by a night's sleep.  Murdoch agrees.  "Karl's strategy is both simple and brilliant.  Obama does something every day.  With our vast panel of paid experts, we can always find someone to explain how his actions are leading us towards socialism.  One day, an intern accidently wrote 'fascist' instead of 'socialist' on the graphic and we learned another interesting thing.  None of our viewers know the difference."

Obama Awarded Peace Prize for Historic "Beer Summit"

BREAKING:

President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news.  The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck's ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers.  This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man.  Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals.  Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.

[caption id="attachment_301" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Karl Rove Follows Beck's Lead"][/caption]

When the President decided to host the "Beer Summit" at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, "just a few guys having a beer and talking."  But the responsible media knew the truth.  This was big.  Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.

The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further.  "It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama," said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee.

Debut Single - My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

For all 3 of you who were waiting for this, here ya go!  The anthem of the teabaggers.

http://jimmywellington.com/obamasong2.mp3

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us

With a nod, a smile and wink

But thanks toCharlie’s gotcha questions

Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She’s telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

This is not the country I know
I thought we all were meant to get our say
Our Founding Fathers must be wond’ring
Since when’s Hawaii a state anyway?

We aired our grievances at town halls
Called our representative a whore
We wouldn’t listen to their answers
We just shouted shouted ’til we passed out on the floor

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

We all should have seen this coming
But Obama’s halo blinded us
We all wanted hope and change
Instead my dear Grandma was turned to dust

It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
In fact we can’t say “Christmas” anymore
Please find a hiding place for Grandpa
Obama’s jackboot thugs are at the door

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

But as for Michelle Bachmann, she believes.

But as for Sarah Palin, she believes.

President of MTV "Freezes" While Kanye West Terrorizes VMAs

Seemingly taking a cue from Congressman Joe Wilson, Kanye West violated the sacred decorum usually associated with the Video Music Awards when he took Taylor Swift's microphone while she was giving her acceptance speech last night.  West went on to complain that singer Beyonce deserved the honor, only to be greeted with a chorus of boos from the audience.

[caption id="attachment_273" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This photo is completely real"][/caption]

While this was happening, many were wondering why West was allowed to take to the stage so easily.  Why did the broadcast not cut to commercial?  This morning, the answer to those questions became clear.

VMA host Russell Brand, "I wanted to go to commercial, but a decision that drastic had to be deferred to the President, Van Toffler.  I tried to reach him as soon as we realized what was happening.  We saw Kanye making his way to the stage.  Toffler gave us no response, he just froze."

At the time, Toffler was giving a speech to other MTV executives.  A witness describes the scene in the room as: "Total silence.  Someone came in the room and whispered in his ear that Kanye West had just taken the microphone from Taylor Swift.  He just looked stunned, then he went back to reading from his report.  He told us after that he didn't want people to panic."

Toffler could not be reached for comment.

Brand is upset that more wasn't done to prevent a Kanye attack.  "We received intelligence that Kanye West was planning on attacking the awards with douchebaggery, but nobody paid attention to it.  We even knew to focus on the stage, because Kanye would want to maximize his audience.  This situation could have easily been prevented.  It's not like he hasn't done this before."

Comedian Mike Myers agrees that more should be done to prevent future Kanye West attacks.  "When he said 'George Bush doesn't care about black people' you saw the shock on my face.  I was caught completely off guard.  We should know better now.  We should have learned.  I know I'll never forget."

Concerned Parent Recommends Pulling Children From al-Gebra Classes Due to Fears of Indoctrination

While Barack Obama's speech to America's children has been written about in newspapers and discusses on news commentary shows, a Morristown man has been trying to raise awareness of an issue he feels is even more important.

[caption id="attachment_268" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The Qu'ran is in here, I just know it!"][/caption]

"I'm not one of those crazy folk who thinks that Barack Obama is going to come out and openly attempt to indoctrinate our children with his Muslim socialist fascist views," said Kyle Newton, a parent.  "I think that he, and people like him, are going to be much more subtle."

Newton believes he has figured it out, thanks to a tip from a friend, who was taking a world religion course at a local community college.

"He was telling me all about the different contributions that the arabs have made to our culture," Newton said.  "He's a nice guy, so I figured I'd humor him and pretend to be interested.  I could hardly hide my shock when he told me that the arabs invented algebra.  I thought I had to turn to a reliable source before I believed that nonsense."

After looking on Wikipedia, Newton says he was convinced. 

Obama Describes Kennedy's Commitment to Universal Social Networking

Ted Kennedy was laid to rest today, and President Barack Obama provided a stirring eulogy, which focused on one of the late Senator's dying wishes for America.  Obama spoke at length of Kennedy's desire that everyone, both rich and poor, from both upper and lower classes, of all races, had access to quality social networking sites.

[caption id="attachment_253" align="alignright" width="192" caption="He's tweeting out of frame"][/caption]

"To paraphrase his brother Jack," Obama said, "Ask not what Facebook can do for you; ask what you can do for Facebook.  You say the quizzes are boring?  What are you doing to make them better?"

Kennedy believed that all Americans had an inherent right to share the minutiae of their lives with the world.  He pointed to programs in other countries that provided Facebook accounts and internet access to all their citizens, something lacking in the United States.

Look at me! - Part Two

I had an brief but interesting discussion with a much more accomplished writer about this article .  I am not going to use his name, in case I misrepresent his position (it's hard to have a reasonable discussion in 140 character bursts.)  He said that he agreed with the data, but disagreed with the conclusion, saying, "Ultimately, my take is that people love to talk about themselves and showcase expertise. Soc.media enables that."

Perhaps because I have narcissistic tendencies, I agree with the article's conclusions that there is a strong attraction for people to use Twitter and Facebook as a tool for validation.  In fact, in my post "Look at Me!" I used the same phrase as the author does - "The Age of Entitlement."  I believe that social networking tools provide a benefit.  I'm very happy that I have been able to re-connect with friends with whom I've lost contact over time, although I have to say that I could do with less updates about their kids, but maybe that's just me.  I find Twitter to be very useful, as I always have been more adept at coming up with funny headlines or one-liners, while writing a full story can be arduous.  I find Twitter's 140 character limit freeing.

Damon, Carlton, and a Polar Bear (and me!)

[caption id="attachment_234" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Sweet!"][/caption]

Anyone who knows me knows that I am a huge fan of the television show Lost.  For example, I spent a large part of my trip to the Metropolitan Museum of Art trying to find the four-toed statue.  When I heard that the people behind the show were going to sell prints from an artist based on the Lost mythology as part of a plan to promote Season Six, I was really interested.  When the first print when up for sale, I ordered one.  I'm not sure if they are still available, but take a look here: http://actuallyitsketchup.com/dcpb/I/

It came yesterday, so I was really excited.  I was also intrigued because Fed Ex had left a package delivery attempt note on our door that said we had another package.  Neither my wife nor I had ordered anything else lately so we were both at a loss for what it could be.  I thought to myself, "Self, there's no way it could be something else from Lost, right?

Wrong.

It turns out that I was the first person to place an order for the first print.  The artist sent me a print(24/30) of the original Damon, Carlton, and a Polar Bear painting!  To see what that's all about, start here: http://lostpedia.wikia.com/wiki/Damon,_Carlton,_and_a_Polar_Bear

Keep your eyes out for the next print.  Who knows, maybe they'll be doing this for future prints!

Jimmy

Independent Death Contractors Fear Competition From Government Run Death Panels

Information has recently surfaced linking lobbying groups such as Freedom Works to sites that promote "grassroots"

[caption id="attachment_227" align="alignright" width="199" caption="Would you have this man killed by amateurs?"][/caption]

support for protestors seeking to "break up" town hall meetings about health care reform.  Media outlets in the left, such as The Rachel Maddow Show on MSNBC, have been investigating connections between these seemingly spontaneous supports of anger and lobbying firms which appear to be funding them.  Today, there was a new and surprising development in the investigation.  Sources indictate that a lobbying firm, Totally Transparent and Honest Citizens for Change, has been producing radio and television advertisements describing health care reform as "a secret plot to kill old people," as Maddow often desribes such scare tactics.

Political advertisements are often funded by special interest groups, so the discovery that TTHCC is producing these advertisements is not shocking, or even surprising.  However, it is the special interest group that hired the firm that is the story.  The firm was hired by the small yet powerful Serial Killers of the Elderly lobby.

Song Parody: My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

(to the tune of "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer")

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can't believe that we were so naive
You say there's no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

[caption id="attachment_211" align="alignright" width="259" caption="Save Granny!"][/caption]

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us
With a nod, a smile and wink
But thanks toCharlie's gotcha questions
Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She's telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can't believe that we were so naive
You say there's no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

The Secret World of Political Alts

Many in the online community are familiar with the practice of using "alts," or an additional profile that the user logs in as to say things that they wouldn't want coming from their primary profile.  Additionally, people use alts to "troll" discussion forums or comment sections on websites, which is a practice in which the user makes a series of inflammatory statements meant only to provoke a strong reaction from the website's other users.

[caption id="attachment_188" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Just sayin'"][/caption]

In the last few years, unknown to most, these two trends have been making the transition from the internet to the real world.  While obviously false public personas like Stephen Colbert, Sasha Baron Cohen's "Borat," and Ann Coulter have inundated the airwaves, they never truly crossed over into the political world.  Until Decision 2008.

"Looking back on it, how can you not conclude that the 2008 Presidential campaign was just a series of practical jokes?" says celebrtiy internet trend consultant Rick the Analyst.  The Democrats nominated a black guy, whose middle name is Hussein.  I mean, come on!"

Christian Cleaners: "No More Wire Hangers!"

The debate over abortion has broken out in an unlikely place: dry cleaners.  Most people think of their local dry cleaners as a place where they can bring their clothes to have them professionally cleaned and pressed.  To such an uninformed consumer, all those paper-enveloped wire hangers are simply a place to hang a shirt.  However, these useful tools can be used to perform "back-alley abortions," creating a moral dillema for Christian dry cleaners.

Emboldened by the recent stories regarding Christian pharmacists refusing to dispense the Plan B emergency contraceptive, a small, but growing group of Christian dry cleaners are refusing to use wire hangers at their businesses.

Welcome to the new site!

Welcome to everyone who knew me from my work at The Fake News, as well as anyone who just happened upon this site.  My old site focused only on news satire, which I enjoyed and still enjoy.  However, it was a lot of work to keep up a feasible posting schedule.  Also, I wanted to post other content in addition to news satire.  Anyway, keep checking back and thanks for stopping by!

UPDATE:

I think I am going to move the majority of stories from The Fake News here in the next little while.

Palin Book Titles

We know it's coming, but what will it be called?

My pick is "As I Say, Lying."  What do you think?