Enjoy Part 1 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel. If you like it, don't keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!
Wednesday, July 06, 2011
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
Nation's Two-Year-Olds Riot After Casey Anthony Acquittal
The nation’s two-year-olds took to the street in loud, high-pitched protest to the acquittal of Casey Anthony, accused of killing her daughter Caylee.
[caption id="attachment_939" align="alignright" width="325" caption="A massive two-year-old demands justice"]
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“No justice, no peace!” babbled Houston riot leader Daquota Killington. “You like a peaceful plane trip? We will not sit down and shut up any longer. Good luck flying internationally. Invest in earplugs.”
Police have not seen two-year-old coordinated protests on this magnitude since the Katy Perry – Elmo music video was kept from airing on Sesame Street, although law enforcement still believes most of those toddlers were coerced to protest by teenage brothers.
Jose Baez, Anthony’s attorney, said, “It’s great to see that a young, attractive white woman can receive a favorable outcome in our broken criminal justice system.”
Facebook and Twitter erupted in protest of the verdict, and Nancy Grace was heard to audibly climax in anticipation of her next show’s ratings.
Still, the biggest news in the wake of the verdict is the toddler outrage.
Killington warns, “Just wait. We’re going on strike from making cute Youtube videos. We are in negotiations with the nation’s cats to support us.”
“Do you really want to live in a world with no cute baby or cat videos?” asked Killington. “What will you do at work?”
[caption id="attachment_939" align="alignright" width="325" caption="A massive two-year-old demands justice"]
[/caption]“No justice, no peace!” babbled Houston riot leader Daquota Killington. “You like a peaceful plane trip? We will not sit down and shut up any longer. Good luck flying internationally. Invest in earplugs.”
Police have not seen two-year-old coordinated protests on this magnitude since the Katy Perry – Elmo music video was kept from airing on Sesame Street, although law enforcement still believes most of those toddlers were coerced to protest by teenage brothers.
Jose Baez, Anthony’s attorney, said, “It’s great to see that a young, attractive white woman can receive a favorable outcome in our broken criminal justice system.”
Facebook and Twitter erupted in protest of the verdict, and Nancy Grace was heard to audibly climax in anticipation of her next show’s ratings.
Still, the biggest news in the wake of the verdict is the toddler outrage.
Killington warns, “Just wait. We’re going on strike from making cute Youtube videos. We are in negotiations with the nation’s cats to support us.”
“Do you really want to live in a world with no cute baby or cat videos?” asked Killington. “What will you do at work?”
Tweets From The Street - Fourth Of July Edition
Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth 
of July.
of July.
Friday, July 01, 2011
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
State Fair Vendor to Debut Deep Fried Diabetes
On Friday, August 5th, NJ State Fair vendor Gerry Loktic will debut his new food item, bound to attract a plethora of fairgoers—deep fried diabetes.
[caption id="attachment_907" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Yes, those are diabetes balls"]
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“I kept seeing other vendors raise the bar,” Loktic said. “It started with normal things like Twinkies and Oreos that were covered in batter and deep fried. After a while, each vendor tried to outdo everyone else with things like deep fried Kool-Aid, butter, and pacifiers.”
Loktic remembered his Business 101 class from college, in which he learned that a business should value efficiency. He decided that his customers were obviously interested in contracting Type 2 diabetes, so he thought he should get rid of the middle step.
“Anyone who takes a food like a Twinkie and decides that the way to improve it is to make it more terrible for your body is obviously hoping to join the insulin club,” said Loktic.
[caption id="attachment_907" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Yes, those are diabetes balls"]
[/caption]“I kept seeing other vendors raise the bar,” Loktic said. “It started with normal things like Twinkies and Oreos that were covered in batter and deep fried. After a while, each vendor tried to outdo everyone else with things like deep fried Kool-Aid, butter, and pacifiers.”
Loktic remembered his Business 101 class from college, in which he learned that a business should value efficiency. He decided that his customers were obviously interested in contracting Type 2 diabetes, so he thought he should get rid of the middle step.
“Anyone who takes a food like a Twinkie and decides that the way to improve it is to make it more terrible for your body is obviously hoping to join the insulin club,” said Loktic.
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Tweets From the Street - NY Gay Marriage
Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the NY gay marriage bill
Friday, June 24, 2011
Tweets from the Street - Afghanistan Troop Levels
Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on President Obama's speech on troop levels in Afghanistan.
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
FDA to Put Pictures of Unplanned Pregnancies on Alcohol Bottles
[caption id="attachment_880" align="alignright" width="250" caption="It's a baby bottle, get it?"]
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The Food and Drug Administration announced today that they will add warning labels to alcohol bottles. Following the positive reaction to the new graphic images on new cigarette warning labels, the organization says they hope to help drinkers in the same way.
“For too long, people have bought alcohol without considering the ramifications. With Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, and Ask Jeeves, you can never live down that girl or guy you brought home,” said FDA spokesman Ray Kennedy. “If you’re really unlucky, you might have a reminder for 18 years that eats, poops, and vomits all over you.”
Reaction to the new warning labels has been mixed.
“I don’t really think I have to worry about getting a woman pregnant,” said Jeremy Winston, alcoholic. “I just want to forget the pain. Is there a label for that?”
The anti-drunk driving organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is in favor of the labels, although they think they don’t go far enough.
“We have tried to get photos of horrific car crashes put on warning labels,” MADD spokesperson Alison Jenkins said. “Just think, we might have been able to save Jackass star Ryan Dunn.”
[/caption]The Food and Drug Administration announced today that they will add warning labels to alcohol bottles. Following the positive reaction to the new graphic images on new cigarette warning labels, the organization says they hope to help drinkers in the same way.
“For too long, people have bought alcohol without considering the ramifications. With Facebook, Flickr, Twitter, and Ask Jeeves, you can never live down that girl or guy you brought home,” said FDA spokesman Ray Kennedy. “If you’re really unlucky, you might have a reminder for 18 years that eats, poops, and vomits all over you.”
Reaction to the new warning labels has been mixed.
“I don’t really think I have to worry about getting a woman pregnant,” said Jeremy Winston, alcoholic. “I just want to forget the pain. Is there a label for that?”
The anti-drunk driving organization Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is in favor of the labels, although they think they don’t go far enough.
“We have tried to get photos of horrific car crashes put on warning labels,” MADD spokesperson Alison Jenkins said. “Just think, we might have been able to save Jackass star Ryan Dunn.”
Sunday, June 19, 2011
Tweets From the Street - Father's Day Edition
Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Today, we asked for their thoughts on Father's Day
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
Liberal Activist Smears Andrew Breitbart by Calling Him "Journalist"
Kirill Sdoty, contributor to the website The Daily Kos, has caused a firestorm by uploading a video to the site on Sunday in which conservative provocateur Andrew Breitbart appears to refer to himself as a “journalist.”
[caption id="attachment_840" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Whatever you call this man, do NOT call him a journalist"]
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“I’m not some kind of lamestream media lackey, whose only jobs are to praise Barack Obama and discredit anyone who dares to contradict the Messiah,” Breitbart replied in a posting on his website Breitbart.com. I tell the truth, even if I have to make it up most of the time.”
“Journalist? That’s like Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite,” added Breitbart. “I’m nothing like those guys.”
Early reports indicate that the smear appears to have damaged Breitbart’s reputation among conservatives.
“I don’t know if I can trust anyone who calls himself a journalist,” said 89 year old regular Fox News viewer Brett Hupright. “The crying chalkboard man on the TV told me not to trust journalists, because they have the same last four letters as communists. It’s true, he showed me on his chalkboard. I still trust the guy who looks like a date rapist; he’s definitely not a journalist.”
Liberals are saying that it’s about time Breitbart is on the receiving end of deceitful reporting.
[caption id="attachment_840" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Whatever you call this man, do NOT call him a journalist"]
[/caption]“I’m not some kind of lamestream media lackey, whose only jobs are to praise Barack Obama and discredit anyone who dares to contradict the Messiah,” Breitbart replied in a posting on his website Breitbart.com. I tell the truth, even if I have to make it up most of the time.”
“Journalist? That’s like Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite,” added Breitbart. “I’m nothing like those guys.”
Early reports indicate that the smear appears to have damaged Breitbart’s reputation among conservatives.
“I don’t know if I can trust anyone who calls himself a journalist,” said 89 year old regular Fox News viewer Brett Hupright. “The crying chalkboard man on the TV told me not to trust journalists, because they have the same last four letters as communists. It’s true, he showed me on his chalkboard. I still trust the guy who looks like a date rapist; he’s definitely not a journalist.”
Liberals are saying that it’s about time Breitbart is on the receiving end of deceitful reporting.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Obama Pledges to Support Middle East Peace By Going Back to 1967 Haircut
President Obama raised many eyebrows in the American and Jewish media Thursday by saying a starting point for Israeli-Palestinian negotiations must start with the 1967 borders, a position shared by George W. Bush. He did, however, go one major step further than his predecessor and make this suggestion while black.
[caption id="attachment_836" align="alignright" width="220" caption="He listens to George Clinton too"]
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The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.
Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.
World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.
“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”
House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.
Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.
Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.
[caption id="attachment_836" align="alignright" width="220" caption="He listens to George Clinton too"]
[/caption]The President attempted to quell the outrage by people who called his position unfair to Israel by saying he would support the process by going back to his 1967 haircut.
Even though he was only six years old, Obama had an afro that put Erykah Badu to shame, and he has released a photo (seen at right) that shows what he will look like when he lets his hair go back to its 1967 length.
World Net Daily founder Joseph Farah claims that the picture is actually not manipulated using Photoshop.
“This so-called ‘President’ is wearing a wig during his public appearances. He has been supporting Osama bin Laden by growing his hair long. We have an informant inside the White House who informs us that Osama, I mean Obama, is wearing a turban in the evenings in his bedroom.”
House Republicans say they will not accept the President’s new haircut until they see the certificate of long hair.
Glenn Beck pointed out on his chalkboard that HAIRCUT might stand for Hate America and Israel, Respect Communism and Unite Terrorists.
Sarah Palin responded to media inquiries by using Twitter to refer reporters to her Facebook page.
Friday, May 20, 2011
Can’t Wait Until 6PM? Pay Extra to get Velociraptured
With scores of people waiting patiently to ascend to heaven tomorrow and millions making fun of them, most rapture-ready Christians just want to get it over with.
[caption id="attachment_833" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Why wasn't it mentioned in the Bible that Jesus was as big as Godzilla?"]
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“Enough already with the waiting,” said Jill Grody. “I’m glad to be one of the 3% who will be saying ‘I told you so’ as I meet Jesus in the clouds.”
Harold Camping says that the rapture will occur at 6 pm local time for all people, which raises several interesting questions.
For example, what happens if someone is on a flight heading East and crosses a time zone just as the clock strikes 6? Did they miss their chance to be spared the Tribulation? Good news if the pilots are God-fearing, but bad news for everyone else.
Camping anticipated these questions and is starting a special prayer club that will allow his followers to be raptured early.
“Well, it costs $69.99, but you get access into our Velociraptured Club, saving you time and hassle on your way to heaven,” said Camping.
[caption id="attachment_833" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Why wasn't it mentioned in the Bible that Jesus was as big as Godzilla?"]
[/caption]“Enough already with the waiting,” said Jill Grody. “I’m glad to be one of the 3% who will be saying ‘I told you so’ as I meet Jesus in the clouds.”
Harold Camping says that the rapture will occur at 6 pm local time for all people, which raises several interesting questions.
For example, what happens if someone is on a flight heading East and crosses a time zone just as the clock strikes 6? Did they miss their chance to be spared the Tribulation? Good news if the pilots are God-fearing, but bad news for everyone else.
Camping anticipated these questions and is starting a special prayer club that will allow his followers to be raptured early.
“Well, it costs $69.99, but you get access into our Velociraptured Club, saving you time and hassle on your way to heaven,” said Camping.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Website eDiot Cashes in on Rapture Believers
Harold Camping predicts that Christians will be raptured on Saturday, May 21, while the sinful will remain on Earth suffering. While some believe Camping’s prophecy to be true, others are ridiculing him, and one enterprising man is looking to make a little cash.
[caption id="attachment_827" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I swear, this time is really it"]
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Bam Dackson has started eDiot.com, a website that allows believers to sell their possessions to non-believers, giving them money to use before the rapture.
“Why would I need my house after I go to see Jesus?” said Johnny Gladwell. “Just think of what good I could do with a few thousand dollars?”
Dackson says that sales have been a bit disappointing.
“Where is these people’s faith?” said Dackson. “If they were so sure, they would jump at this opportunity.”
Camping says that the creation of eDiot.com provides more evidence for his prediction.
“There is a verse in the Bible,” Camping says, “that, when translated into Klingon and back to English, says, ‘And the smart will make money off the gullible, and the Lions will win the Super Bowl.’ So, whatever happens, at least Detroit will be happy.”
[caption id="attachment_827" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I swear, this time is really it"]
[/caption]Bam Dackson has started eDiot.com, a website that allows believers to sell their possessions to non-believers, giving them money to use before the rapture.
“Why would I need my house after I go to see Jesus?” said Johnny Gladwell. “Just think of what good I could do with a few thousand dollars?”
Dackson says that sales have been a bit disappointing.
“Where is these people’s faith?” said Dackson. “If they were so sure, they would jump at this opportunity.”
Camping says that the creation of eDiot.com provides more evidence for his prediction.
“There is a verse in the Bible,” Camping says, “that, when translated into Klingon and back to English, says, ‘And the smart will make money off the gullible, and the Lions will win the Super Bowl.’ So, whatever happens, at least Detroit will be happy.”
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
UN Strongly Condemns US Unilateral Invasion of London
The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”
[caption id="attachment_821" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Diana who?"]
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The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.
“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”
To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.
[caption id="attachment_821" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Diana who?"]
[/caption]The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.
The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.
“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”
To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Obama “Extremely Offended” by Poor Quality of Racist Photoshop
Marilyn Davenport, an Orange County Republican Party official, thought it would be a good idea to send a funny email to several of her friends. The email featured a picture of three monkeys posed as if to take a family picture. President Obama's face is superimposed on the smallest monkey's face, leading many to call the email racist, or at the very least the most ill-advised political email sent since President Clinton clicked send on the “Re:Cigar afficianado” email. President Obama has finally had enough and released a statement saying that the poor picture quality is deeply offensive.
[caption id="attachment_816" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting."]
[/caption]
“C'mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”
Some have leapt to Davenport's defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.
Davenport's email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.
Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.
“I don't know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn't even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.”
[caption id="attachment_816" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting."]
[/caption]“C'mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”
Some have leapt to Davenport's defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.
Davenport's email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.
Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.
“I don't know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn't even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.”
Friday, April 08, 2011
Democrats Spread Rumor That Government Shutdown Would Shut Down Fox News
With midnight rapidly approaching and no deal in place to keep the government running, House Democrats are resorting to desperate measures to avoid a government shutdown. Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) is reportedly spreading rumors that the impending shutdown will cut funding to Fox News.
[caption id="attachment_812" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The ballsiest Weiner in Washington"]
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“Hey, we tried to play fair,” said Weiner. “But the Republicans just won’t budge."
Democratic strategy is to convince Tea Party members, who are pushing House Republicans to cut programs such as Planned Parenthood and NPR, that they will not be able to watch Sean Hannity or Fox and Friends tell them what happened in the news and what to believe.
“Without Fox News programming, how will I know how Obama is ruining the country?” said Fox News viewer Jerry Giles. “The lamestream media is too scared to have Sarah Palin on to talk about important things, like Obama’s birth certificate or how Obama is working with the Illuminati to bring about the end of the world as prophesied by the Mayans and helped along by the Freemasons.”
There is still no word of a potential secret meeting between Weiner and House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) on what is being called the "Weiner - Boehner Compromise."
[caption id="attachment_812" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The ballsiest Weiner in Washington"]
[/caption]“Hey, we tried to play fair,” said Weiner. “But the Republicans just won’t budge."
Democratic strategy is to convince Tea Party members, who are pushing House Republicans to cut programs such as Planned Parenthood and NPR, that they will not be able to watch Sean Hannity or Fox and Friends tell them what happened in the news and what to believe.
“Without Fox News programming, how will I know how Obama is ruining the country?” said Fox News viewer Jerry Giles. “The lamestream media is too scared to have Sarah Palin on to talk about important things, like Obama’s birth certificate or how Obama is working with the Illuminati to bring about the end of the world as prophesied by the Mayans and helped along by the Freemasons.”
There is still no word of a potential secret meeting between Weiner and House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) on what is being called the "Weiner - Boehner Compromise."
Friday, April 01, 2011
Nation Refuses to Believe Warning of Impending Asteroid Impact Not “Best April Fool's Joke Ever”
As Friday, April 1st progresses, an increasingly agitated and alarmed Obama administration is frantically trying to convince the public that an asteroid is heading towards Earth, and people need to act quickly to avoid the annihilation of the human race.
[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark"]
[/caption]
The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet's surface.
“I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It's the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens."
Ross's excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.
“You've got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool's Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one's friends and family into believing lies.
Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.
[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark"]
[/caption]The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet's surface.
“I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It's the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens."
Ross's excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.
“You've got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool's Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one's friends and family into believing lies.
Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.
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