Masochist Loves New Job as AOL Support Technician

James Johnson, a nineteen year old student at the University of Arizona, was just like any college student, scrambling to find the money to pay for books, babes, and beer. He felt that taking a job doing tech support for America Online would help. Little did he know that the job would bring out the masochist hidden inside him.

[caption id="attachment_489" align="alignright" width="269" caption="Five Days and Counting!"][/caption]

In only his first day on the job, he encountered prime examples of some of the clueless denizens of the internet, AOL customers. However, since he takes pleasure from the pain of repeating himself over and over and over, along with his flair for sarcasm, he decided this might just be the job for him.

What follows are some transcripts of Johnson's calls:

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Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - Hi, my screen name is ChadNobleRoxors23, and I have a problem.

Johnson - Well, Mister Noble, is that your name?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well, I'd prefer if you call me Bob.

Johnson - Sure...um...Bob. What's the problem?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - My screen seems to have been burned in

Johnson - By burned in, you mean that an image is always on your monitor, no matter what page you go to?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Yes.

Johnson - Well sir, I'd suggest that you call the monitor company, we do not provide support for monitors, only connection to the internet and software in large quantities. Off the record though, [whispers] I think you need to buy a new monitor.

ChadNobleRoxors23 - I can't afford one, and if my mom sees this, I'm dead.

Johnson - What's the picture of?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well it's a picture of a guy and a...umm...goat.

Johnson - Thank you for calling AOL and have a nice day....goat fucker!

---

Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - I have an emergency! My child has swallowed an AOL CD!

Johnson - What the...how...is that even possible? How big is your child's mouth? [barely audible] Dude, Fred, listen to this one!

Customer - What do I do!?

Johnson - Ok, go to your library and pick up a book by Charles Darwin called Origin of Species, and read section 4, entitled Survival of the Fittest.

Customer - Does that tell me how to get the CD out?

Johnson - It sure does. Thank you for calling AOL, and have a great day!

Atkins Diet Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster

Written by Jake Novak

(New York) The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the Atkins diet.




"Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store," but it not so bad; people been sending me maannnny cookies... ha ha ha," Mr. Monster added.

Police say the victim was tricked each time by the Atkins insurgents posing as cookie delivery men.

"We told him to at least look through the peep hole every time someone knocks on his door, but apparently he goes into some kind of mania every time he hears the word 'cookie,' said Lt. Abby Van Buren of the 27th Precinct.

Dick Cheney Throws Away Deferment Letters in Angry Protest

Written by Jake Novak

(Washington, DC) A defiant Vice President Dick Cheney, who avoided military service in Vietnam with five separate student deferments from 1959-1969, threw away his deferment letters today in a pro-Vietnam War protest organized by several Bush Administration officials who never actually fought in the war.




"This is more than just a symbolic gesture," shouted Cheney over a bullhorn on the White House lawn, "this is our way of saying we reject the failed policies of the Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon administrations who all saw fit to listen to petty excuses and not send people like us to defend our country 40 years ago. We were able to fight, our country needed us, and just because we weren't willing and had the money to cheat the system was no reason not to make us go!" he added.

Lindsay Lohan's Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom

Lindsay Lohan's breasts announced yesterday that they will set out on their own, and that they already have their own deal to star in their own situation comedy.

[caption id="attachment_430" align="alignright" width="249" caption="We'd normally write a caption here, but we're mesmerized"][/caption]

The Fox Network, known for its high brow programming, issued a press release trumpeting Lohan's Breasts as the "number one attraction to our target demographic".

Lohan filed a lawsuit against her former body parts, stating that: "It's my body, and they can't just like go off on their own. I mean, what would I do without my breasts?"

A judge interviewed about the case doesn't think that Lohan will win the lawsuit. "The moment she decided to have implants, she gave up the right to decide what her breasts will and won't do," stated Lance Nightly. "I've spent hours studying photos of Lohan at awards shows, only pausing to take short five minute bathroom breaks, and I can say that there is irrefutable evidence showing that Lohan has indeed has breast surgery."

Nightly admitted that "perhaps further research is required".

Abu Ghraib Prison Abuse Photos Prove Arabs Have Blurry Genitals

Written by Jimmy Wellington

With the military’s prosecution of the disgraced Army MPs accused of torturing prisoners in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison continuing, an attorney for Lynndie England, one of the accused, has released information about their defense strategy. They intend to argue that England was not intending to humiliate naked Iraqi prisoners, by pointing to their private regions in pictures, but instead she was trying to point out that they have, like all Arabs, blurry genitals.

[caption id="attachment_124" align="alignright" width="370" caption="Arab men LOVE a mocking chick in uniform"][/caption]

US Government Officials deny the “blurry genital” theory, saying that it’s “patently absurd”. According to officials, the pictures were professionally altered so soccer moms wouldn’t have to explain to their children that men have penises and women have vaginas.

"The Passion" Blamed For Nationwide Increase in Drive-By Stonings

Martha Washington cradles her son's head in her arms as he draws his last breaths. His body is a bloody, broken mess. The murder weapons lie nearby on the cold pavement.

It is a scene that's all too common in today's inner cities. However, Leon Washington was killed not by bullets or knives, but large stones taken from a nearby construction site. Welcome to the latest craze in the inner cities of America, drive-by stonings.

[caption id="attachment_440" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="I know this guy looks like he's sleeping, but he's really been stoned to death. Really."][/caption]

Stoning used to be a common practice in biblical times, long before bullets became the preferred method of slaying one's enemies. Los Angeles Police chief Richard Linkletter thinks this is due to the negligible costs of stones.

"These hoodlums don't care how they ice that homey down the block that be invading their turf. Someone will be just as dead if they're bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks as if they got a couple caps popped in they ass. This way, they got more bank for bitches, foties, and bling bling."

Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ" has been receiving the lion's share of the blame for the stoning trend, just a few weeks after the movie was said to be anti-semetic, violent, and "the worst date movie of all time".

The movie has also been the biggest box office juggernaut so far this year, taking in over a quarter of a billion dollars since its release in late February.

Mrs. Washington has a message for the youths of America: "If you're thinking about picking up a stone in anger, please don't. Smoke a blunt, slap a ho, just please no more senseless violence. That person you kill has a mother that loves them. And about 1% of them have a father too, someone that cares for their child, and takes responsibility for impregnating a 16 year old girl and doesn't run off to play their next game in the NBA, and never show their face around here again, isn't that right, Kobe?"

In related news, noticing their proficiency in rock-related violence, Palestinians are recruiting American youths for "Operation Throw A Bunch of Rocks At Jews".

MTV Begins Filming For "The Real World: Abu Gharib"

The MTV network is taking reality television to a whole new level, with their new season of The Real World, now filming in Abu Gharib prison in Iraq. The setting should be familiar to anyone that's watched the news, read the paper, or interacted with humans in the past few weeks.

[caption id="attachment_433" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This house is going to ROCK!"][/caption]

MTV executives felt that the casts of previous seasons of the popular show were spoiled, and had too much "cool stuff". "We decided it was time to go back to basics," said MTV programming executive Randall Plassky.

Cast members on the show will be housed in the same prison made famous by several of our finest men and women. "We wanted them to be in a place with a lot of creativity around them,""said Plassky. "I mean, look at those pictures! Iraqi Rodeo! I wish we had thought of that first!"

Rich Jarvis is one of the new cast members, and has said that it's always been a dream of his to be on the show. "Ever since the first season, I pictured myself in a cool house, with like a jacuzzi and stuff. But dude, this house blows."

Unlike other residents of the prison, The Real World cast members are allowed to room together, and even have some say in what goes into the decoration of their rooms, called "cells".

In another twist, the employees of the prison don't know that the cast members are filming a television show. One of the employees, Jimmy Killington, said that they were so used to people taking pictures and videos that they don't even notice cameras anymore. "We make a lot of movies, so it wasn't really strange. We did wonder why all the sudden there were hot chicks as prisoners."

The employees try to make the time fun for the prisoners by playing games with them. One of the games they play is "Hide the Glowstick". Unfortunately, this game loses its appeal after the first few times. Apparantly, they always hide the glowstick in the same place.

Rich wasn't very happy with the "glowstick game". "At first I thought we were going to have a rave party," he said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Larry Flynt's Reply to "The Vagina Monologues": "The Dick Diatribes"

Hustler magazine owner and free speech activist Larry Flynt has commissioned a new play, set to debut in late May 2004. "The Dick Diatribes" is intended to be a counterpoint to Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues", which is a celebration of a woman's body, specifically the main sexual organ, long a topic of embarrasment for most women.

[caption id="attachment_437" align="alignright" width="300" caption="So I'm with this hooker, right?"][/caption]



In an interview with The New York Times, Flynt explained his motive behind the play:

"I think that Ensler broad was onto something. I mean, it's such a common thing for men to be ashamed of their bodies. Men are scared to talk about their penises, and it's not like they like to show other people or slap it against their sleeping friends' faces."

Reprinted below is an exerpt from the upcoming play.

What is the strangest thing your penis has ever done?

Businessman

One time I was watching MTV and a Britney Spears video came on. I believe it was Toxic, although I don't really remember the music too much, if you know what i mean. All the sudden my penis became very excited and actually unzipped my pants from the inside. It was like it had a mind of its own. I stood up without even realizing what I was doing, and my penis led me to the television. It slammed itself into the image of Ms. Spears over and over.

If there was one adjective that you had to pick to describe your cock, what would it be?

Record Store Owner

Definitely masochistic. I had just visited the Sports by Brooks site, and just totally abused my penis to the newest picture of Kim. My penis had barely had time to return to its normal, flaccid state when I glanced at another picture on the site, this time Vanessa. Before I knew what was happening, my dick was hard again and it actually jumped into my hand.

Flynt has stated that former comic giant Andrew Dice Clay is among those slated to appear in the opening run.

Peter Jackson to Follow Oscar Win With "Elton John: Return of the Queen"

When "Return of the King" swept the Academy Awards last Sunday, winning all 11 statues it was nominated for, Best Director Peter Jackson has become one of the most sought after directors in Hollywood. Rumors abound that Jackson has signed on to direct the new remake of King Kong. But after spending years filming monsters, wizards, and dwarves, it seems Jackson doesn't have the desire to work with a giant ape, opting for something a little more fabulous.

[caption id="attachment_445" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Elton hopes to win Best Song (and Best Hat)"][/caption]

Like it or not, gay is in. Gay marriages being performed, anti-sodomy laws repealed, even several scenes between Frodo and Sam, the two main protagonist of the "Rings" stories, where they seemed to be...rather...well, basically butt-buddies.

Word has leaked out that Jackson's newest project will be a film version of gay icon Elton John's autobiography, titled "Elton John: Return of the Queen". Metrosexual icon Justin Timberlake is slated to play Elton, and has stated that he has been having sex with Clay Aiken in order to prepare for the role.

Iran reports: Kucinich Has Osama Bin Laden in Basement

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Finally, the answer to the question that all of America is asking: "What in the holy hell is Dennis Kucinich still doing in the race?"

[caption id="attachment_179" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Have you seen my wife?"][/caption]









News reports out of Tehran, Iran indicate the Congressman from Ohio bought the terrorist leader on E-Bay, narrowly outbidding two other users.

To political activist and, for some unknown reason, still Presidential candidate Al Sharpton, the reports answer a lot of questions about Kucinich's remaining presence on the campaign trail.

"During the debates, he's always sitting there with a smug look on his face, even though he never says a damn thing. He would say things like, 'Wait till you see what I got', in a little kid's sing-song voice. Unbelievable."

Gibson "Passion" Shocker: Carbs Killed Christ!

Mel Gibson has been under criticism for some time due to his new film on the last hours of Jesus, called "The Passion of the Christ". Jewish leaders are up in arms, saying that "The Passion" is anti-semetic, in that it shows Jews killing Jesus.

[caption id="attachment_447" align="alignright" width="220" caption="Your salvation: Sponsered by Dr. Atkins"][/caption]



Today, word leaked that the real shocker to the story, has nothing to do with Jews, but rather carbohydrates, which clinical studies have shown to be the source of all that is unhealthy in today's Americans.

According to the film, Christ was devoted not only to being the savior of the human race, but also to Dr. Atkins, the man behind the diet craze "The Atkins Diet", which preaches ingestion of large amounts of protein and small amounts of carbohydrates.

The movie reveals that Christ did not die according to the age-old belief that he was nailed to a large wooden cross, but rather by a ham and cheese sandwich, in much the same way as another larger than life figure, Mama Cass.

Gibson claims that a newly unearthed biblical passage from the gospel of John is the basis behind this revelation.

John 18:30 - "And Judas Iscariot, a trusted disciple of Christ offered up to him a ham and cheese sandwich, with lettuce and mayonnaise. And Jesus saw that it was good. "But Judas, I cannot eat this. There are carbs." And verily Judas waved his hand in front of of Christ's face and said, "these are not the carbs you speak of. This is a fish fillet." And Jesus' eyes were clouded by the hand of Satan working through the traitor Judas. And he ate. And the skies opened and the clouds came forth and later Jesus had a heart attack, slipped on some ice and died.

Actor in Valtrex Ad Criticized for Method Acting Approach

Written by Jimmy Wellington

At first glance, Noel Martin’s acting debut in a Valtrex advertisement does not seem terribly noteworthy. He is only on screen for approximately 5 seconds and has one line. However, the fact that he actually contracted herpes to “get more into the mindset” of his character has created quite a stir.

It is not unusual for actors and actresses to use “method acting” in movies and on the stage. Marlon Brando and James Dean are just a few illustrious names in the “method” role call. However, it is almost unheard of in the field of television commercials.

[caption id="attachment_284" align="alignright" width="300" caption="While Valtrex treats herpes, it doesn't prevent imaginary friends"][/caption]

Martin thinks that there is nothing wrong with his approach to the role.

“I had trouble realizing exactly how my character [Herpes Guy #2] would see the world, considering that he has a venereal disease that Valtrex is able to treat effectively. Would he be ecstatic? Or would he have more of a composed joy, so as not to irritate his friends stricken with syphilis or other sexual diseases the drug cannot help? Not having herpes myself, I could not answer these questions."

EA Sports Attempts To Corner Lucrative "Gaymer" Market

Rick McMahon has a problem, one that many accross America struggle silently with everyday. Rick is gay. He has long since come to terms with his lifestyle, and feels completely comfortable with his sexuality. However, he is an avid gamer and feels that there is no title that appeals to his favorite activities. Until now.

[caption id="attachment_452" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Olympic champion Sarah Hughes"][/caption]

EA Sports, a division of Electronic Arts Games, recently decided that homosexual gamers, or "gaymers" as they are referred to by EA insiders, are an untapped market with unlimited potential.

In the past year, Corporate America has found that the homosexual community had an immense amount of buying power, and have blatantly marketed products and services to gays and lesbians. One industry insider doesn't know why it has taken so long for marketing agencies to realize the power of those who count sodomy as a normal part of their sexual repertoire.

"Obviously the gay and lesbian community has a lot of influence in this country, is there any other reason that Cher and Barbara Streisand are considered important artists?"

EA Sports originally thought that its football game, Madden 2004, would attract gaymers with its musclebound men wearing skin type pants and engaging in homoerotic behavior. Gaymers yawned and went back to mentally interior decorating their friends' and neighbors' living rooms.

Finally, the gaming company decided that they needed to take more drastic action and designed "Boitano 2004", which takes gaymers inside the world of one of their favorite sports, figure skating. As in their other titles, this game adheres to EA's well-known slogan "If it's in the game, it's in the game".

For example, gaymers get to color co-ordinate their own costumes, develop eating disorders, and hire thugs to maim their more talented main competitor.

A gay and lesbian studies professor at the University of Illinois believes that there is not that much difference between gays and gamers.

"For example, gay men do not have sex with women. Most gamers also don't have sex with women, although for vastly different reasons. Gay men would rather have penis, while gamers would rather play Everquest.".

Man Loses 125 Pounds By Divorcing Cheating Whore of a Wife

Everywhere New Haven, CT resident Max Whitcomb goes these days, his friends remark at how much weight he has lost. Everyone wants to know his secret, which he is quick to share. "I divorced that cheating bitch, Brenda".

[caption id="attachment_354" align="alignright" width="257" caption="She was a whore when she was sober, too"][/caption]

Whitcomb's loss of 125 pounds in the 5 seconds it took for him to sign the divorce papers is thought to be a new record. At press time, officials from the Guiness Book of World Records were unable to verify the feat against other weight loss achievements.

"She slept with half of the neighborhood", said Whitcomb. "She even nailed Rob and Jim, the gay couple that live down the street".

In other weight loss news recently, former Playboy model-current punchline Anna Nicole Smith has shed 50 pounds, although she still hasn't shed the "whale that used to be hot" image.

When asked for his comment on the astounding weight loss, diet guru Dr. Atkins's reply was silence followed by some bones shifting.

Trogdor Burninates California Countryside

Don't know who the hell Trogdor is? Click Here

The California countryside has been ablaze for the last 3 days, thanks to Trogdor, the "Burninator". The dragon-man had reportedly been spotted in the area over the past week, but no one had been able to conclusively prove his presence, or even his existence, until yesterday. A San Diego NBC 7/39 news crew captured the elusive beast in all his majesty about to burninate a few grass roof cottages in the Descanso area.

[caption id="attachment_359" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Trogdor, captured in mid-burnination"][/caption]

At least 200,000 acres have been burninated since Saturday night, with over a thousand homes destroyed. Strongbad, the man said to have created Trogdor, had this to say about his protege: "Ha! Trogdor strikes again!"

Descanso resident Jeremy Lovett was one of the few eyewitnesses to witness the animal in all his majesty. "My wife was looking out the window, and she said that there was something in our yard. I asked her what it was, and she said, 'it's a man...no, wait....it's a dragon-man, or maybe it's just a dragon.' Then my son yelled, 'It's Trogdor, the Burninator!' I asked him how he knew the beast's name, and he said he had no idea. Strange."

This isn't the first time that Trogdor has been blamed for illegal burninating. A die-hard Detroit Red Wings fan, he became incensed at the team's early exit from the playoffs last year, and destroyed 4 city blocks.

Lame-duck California Governor Gray Davis had some choice words for the dragon. "Just because you're all majestic and stuff, you can't just go around burninating things. There are rules in this society, sir, and the fact that you're a 2-dimensional cartoon does not excuse you from blame for the death and destruction you caused. Shame on you!" Davis then shook his finger angrily, and threatened to start a Trogdor smear campaign.

The latest plan to combat Trogdor's burninating rampage consists of Governor-elect Schwarzenegger, a helicoptor, a rocket lancher, a beautiful native woman, and a comic sidekick.

Marlins Defeat Yankees, Steinbrenner Buys Marlins

The New York Yankees lost Game Six of the World Series to the Florida Marlins, which gave the Florida team the title of Major League Baseball champions for the year 2003. The owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, decided not to wait till the end of the night to make any changes to his team, and announced that he had sold the New York team, and bought the Florida Marlins.

Steinbrenner announced that he had retained the rights to every player on the Yankee team, including Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Alfonso Soriano, and the unborn child of a scientific experiment between Roger Clemens and David Wells.

When asked if Steinbrenner had gone too far, Yankees fans responded: "How the fuck did we lose that series, we should have hit the shit out of that 'D-Train' bitch Dontrell Willis....wait, he's on the Yankees now? Holy shit, he's the fucking best pitcher I've ever fucking seen!

The "Yankee Switcheroo" has been seen before when Roger Clemens changed his nickname from "fucking BoSox Stupid Fucking Asshole" to "The Greatest Fucking Pitcher I've Ever Fucking Seen!"

Steinbrenner also bought a few other teams, most notably the Oakland A's, Minnesota Twins, and Boston Red Sox. According to reports, players on those teams were offered twice their salary to not play next year, and all in question eagerly accepted.

Bin Laden Calls For Red Sox Manager's Firing: CIA Says Tape Authentic

The United States government released the newest Osama Bin Laden audiotape today, and it turns out that the international terrorist is quite the baseball fan. Bin Laden had plenty to say about his favorite team, the Boston Red Sox, and makes it quite clear that he is not a fan of manager Grady Little.

An excerpt from the tape has Bin Laden saying, "OK, so you capitalist fuckers want proof that I'm still alive? Wait for Grady Little to die in a horrible car accident two weeks from today, you can just go ahead and attribute that to me right now."

CIA experts have been working around the clock, and are "95% sure" that the newest tape from the Al Quaeda terrorist organization leader is authentic. They say that Bin Laden not only made references to the Red Sox latest World Series close call, but also referred to the San Diego Chargers horrible season, although other sports experts have pointed out that predicting another disappointing series for the Chargers is akin to prognosticating that it will rain a lot in Seattle this year.

Many baseball experts have taken Little to task for his decision to leave a clearly tired Pedro Martinez in there against a veteran Yankees team. The Red Sox blew a 4-0 lead as well as a 5-2 lead with only 5 outs separating them from their first World Series appearance since 1986.

Bin Laden stated in the tape that he was all but retired from the internation terror business until Aaron Boone took the first pitch from Tim Wakefield far over the left field wall, to propel the Yankees into yet another World Series appearance for Major League Baseball's most storied franchise.

One of the only positives for Red Sox fans is that it seems that the apocalypse will be postponed until at least next October.

Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone

The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.

[caption id="attachment_362" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Here, honey. Blow into this"][/caption]

The "Drunk-Phone" comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly. If a high enough blood-alcohol level is measured, the phone is rendered useless.

A marketing survey shows that the vast majority of cell phone customers think that the new feature is a great idea for other people's phones, however they feel that it is unnecessary for themselves.

Jason Plimpton, a college student from San Diego State University, says it's a great idea. "That would certainly cut down on the number of drunk calls I get from my friends. I don't think that it should be mandatory though, I mean, It's not like I drunk call people."

"Jason, are you fucking kidding me?", responded his girlfriend, Kerry Stiles. You don't remember calling me at 2:30 in the morning last night saying that you killed a spider? And what about the time you called [Jason's ex-girlfriend of three years prior] Cynthia, and told her you loved her and wanted to come over and bang her? You were so drunk that you didn't realize I was standing right next to you!"

The "drunk call" feature will not be activated until midnight on weeknights, although it will be activated all weekend, since the vast majority of college students seem to view the time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning as "drunk time".

Hate Email for "Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable"

Click here to read the original article


Look. I don't know who Emily or Brian or Brad are and I'm sure this thing is just for laughs, but the person you put there as "Emily" is me and I don't appreciate you using me for your sick humor. Leave me the fuck alone, ok? Get a life and if you want to make people laugh, don't use other people you don't even know. I'm sure you don't realize it, but stuff like that may hurt other people. I'm also sure you don't care, but if no one has said anything, I figured someone should. Fuck you.

Kori

Our response:

My, My, that's some foul language for a lady. Maybe you should not focus on the internet, but rather a finishing school. I can recommend some, my older sister used to curse profusely and have sex with dogs, but after going to Madame Lenoir's Finishing School for Slutty Chicks, she is the epitome of a lady.

ACLU Praises Sniper For Equal Opportunity Killings

The American Civil Liberties Union, the militant branch of the ultra left wing, announced yesterday that the "Beltway Sniper" is the 2002 recipient of their Equal Opportunity Killer Of The Year Award, receiving more than four times as many votes as the second place finisher, the unfortunately named "Crack Whore Killer".

ACLU head Wanda Kopkin explained the organization's controversial decision: "We understand that some people think that we are bringing undue attention to this crazy killer. Here at the ACLU, we believe that he should be commended for his commitment to racial and sexual equality among his victims."

The Rev. Jesse Jackson also lauded the killer: "This man or woman has no set profile for his victims, utilizes no quota, just plain, straightforward, random killing."

"The ACLU should be ashamed of themselves," said an unnamed CNN programming executive. "They are glorifying this crazy killer - praising the sniper for not targeting a specific type of victim? That's just sensationalist reporting taken to the extreme."

Unfortunately the executive could not provide further comment, as he was trying frantically to finalize a graphic for their new "Could YOU Be The Next Sniper Victim?" story.

Many Americans think that the media has made the sniper into more of a celebrity than he deserves.

"I mean, he's only striking from around a hundred yards away, that's not the mark of a true sniper," said former Marine sniper Bill Merrin. "If I was going around killing random people, I would definitely be way more accurate than this clown."

Merrin added, "Plus, tarot cards? That's so gay."