Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #8 Jennifer Aniston

8. Jennifer Aniston – This one is tough. I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I liked her in Friends. She seems like a likeable person. Yet, there's a problem. She's on at least one magazine cover every time I go to the supermarket. But, it's not just that. It's always a variation of "Jen: True Love, Finally!" and "Jen: Heartbroken After xxxxxx Dumps Her!" This repeats anew every so often, typically when she has a movie coming out. This leads me to believe that I have successfully mapped the Jennifer Aniston dating cycle.

1. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.

2. They go out on one date. The guy has a very nice time and plans to see her again.

3. Her publicist calls every magazine and tells them all about the date, providing exclusive information to each magazine.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #9. The Snuggie

9. The Snuggie - On the one hand, I have to hand it to the person who invented the Snuggie. Not since the Pet Rock has someone made so much money selling something so ridiculous.

It Looks Ridiculous – There's a reason that people hadn't made wearable blankets before. It's one of those ideas that sounds great in theory, but looks ridiculous in actuality. "Wouldn't it be great if I could experience the warmth of a blanket, without having to worry about it falling off when I move about?" Yeah, I guess it would. I also wish I could experience that level of warmth throughout daily life, but it would look ludicrous for me to drive around with a blanket on. It looks no less ridiculous walking around your house.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

It's Facebook, not YourKidBook. We realize that being a parent is something new and exciting for everyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being happy and proud of your children, in fact, it's great that you care so much about them. However, remember that you feel that way because they're your children. Do you find yourself thinking, "If only my friends would tell me all about their kids in every Facebook status" or "I wish I got daily pictures of other people's kids?" No. There's a reason you don't think that. Also, you're not the first person to be pregnant. All that stuff you complain about? It's happened to every pregnant person ever.

Senate Democrats Look to Single-Player System For Health Care Reform

After months of rancorous debate, the health care reform process seems destined for failure. Senate Republicans are united in their opposition of any type of reform bill and Senate Democrats regret their decision to reconcile with Senator Joe Lieberman. However, a meeting of top Senate Democrats took place behind closed doors late last night, and, according to an anonymous source, a compromise was reached that may bring affordable health care reform to everyone. Better yet, it's amazingly simple. In short: Single Player Health Care.

[caption id="attachment_590" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Don't worry, in a few seconds all that annoying blood spatter will go away"][/caption]

The Senators have decided to incorporate the fast healing technology seen in the popular video game "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2." In the game, as long as the soldier is able to duck behind cover for several seconds, he completely heals. Our source says, "The Senators were so excited when they saw the footage. It didn't matter if it was a gunshot wound or shrapnel from a grenade, fifteen seconds max and they were good as new."

Others are not convinced. "Granted, Modern Warfare 2 is an amazingly realistic replication of current warfare and weaponry, but I don't think the healing mechanism in the game is accurate," says ER doctor Ben Daxon. "Just because we base our financial system on fantasy doesn't mean that will work with all fields."

The debate over the feasibility of basing public policy on video game performance brings to mind President George W. Bush's decision to appoint Michael Brown as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency after learning of his proficiency at playing the computer game Sim City.

GOP Interns Host "Bring Your Own Strawman" Party

GOP Interns, tired of not having any plans on Friday nights, decided to take matters into their own hands this past weekend and hosted their own party, which, by all accounts, was "off the hook." Party planners argued vehemently about the topic of alcohol. Some believed strongly that alcohol should be provided, while others warned of the universal dangers of alcohol, such as ending up in airport bathrooms with undercover police officers.

[caption id="attachment_572" align="alignright" width="300" caption="You down with GOP, yeah you know me!"][/caption]

The planners settled on keeping the party dry, but allowing attendees to bring their own strawmen. Out of fashion for some time, strawmen have found a resurgence with the modern Republican party, and are frequently found on most Fox News programs, as well as on talk radio. Strawmen were considered very popular in the American South for some time, although their flammable nature made them a liability at cross-burnings.

Fox News: Glenn Beck's Movie Sells Millions of Tickets

This week, you could go anywhere without seeing advertisements for Glenn Beck's movie "The Christmas Sweater." In fact, if you don't watch Fox News or listen to Beck's radio show, it's likely that you had no idea that the controversial talk show host and frequent saline producer even had a movie coming out. Beck's two hour and fifteen minute motion picture debut played in hundreds of theaters throughout the country on Thursday night, and his fans were pumped!  So pumped, that they bought ninety-four out of a possible one-hundred ninety-three tickets in Rockwall, Texas.  They bought one-hundred seventy tickets in West Jordan, Utah.  They even bought a whopping seventeen tickets in New York City. Or so they liberal media would have you think.

[caption id="attachment_565" align="alignright" width="180" caption="Picture of crowd in line for Beck movie"][/caption]

Fox News is exclusively reporting that these numbers are much lower than actual ticket sales. They point to pictures of enormous crowds of people waiting in line to see the DC showing. Critics say that the pictures are actually pictures from the Million Man March from ten years ago. Fox News refused to comment other than saying, "Some people say pictures don't lie."

Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page.

[caption id="attachment_566" align="alignright" width="203" caption="Fox News depiction of people in line for Beck movie premiere"][/caption]

Future Bartlett's Quotations - Part I

"A bad friend is someone who says one thing and does your mother"  - Jimmy Wellington

Obama Changes Afghanistan Strategy: Surge Now Consists of One Sleeping Cadet

American President Barack Obama stood before a crowd of West Point cadets last night and delivered a speech, during which he announced his orders to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan in the coming year, a number which will include many of his audience. While millions around the country were riveted to their televisions to hear what course the American military strategy would take in its 9^th year in Afghanistan, many cadets were having a hard time staying awake, with one cadet caught on camera in mid-snore. As a result, Obama decided to change his strategy from a surge of thousands to a strategy consistent with an Army slogan. The sleeping cadet will truly become an army of one.

Rush Limbaugh Searching for New Homoerotic Metaphor to Describe Health Care Reform Process

Since the dawn of language, people have used metaphors to describe concepts that are hard to understand. In our modern political climate, those on the right have eschewed the soaring oratory of their predecessors for more vulgar sexual terminology. Take, for instance, the following quotes. (Ed. Note, all four are actual quotes).

[caption id="attachment_551" align="alignright" width="254" caption="Is that just a cigar or are you trying to tell us something?"][/caption]

"People in New York, you're being raped by your government -- raped." – Glenn Beck, November 19^th.

"We are -- excuse this analogy, but I feel like it's true -- we're the young girl saying "No, no, help me," and the government is Roman Polanski." – Glenn Beck, November 16^th.

"Obama ordered his "pay czar" to "rape" bailed out executives." – Rush Limbaugh, October 22.

"Get ready to get gang-raped again, folks." – Rush Limbaugh, June 24^th.

Sarah Palin Hopes to Use Book's Success to Jump-Start 2010 Presidential Bid

Sarah Palin's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" has been flying off the bookshelves and into warehouses where conservative magazines are storing them for use as promotions to sell subscriptions. Hate her, love her, or hate her, she is everywhere. Newsweek even has her on her cover, using a photo Palin posed for by Runner's World magazine, in which the former Alaskan governor showed that the American flag, in addition to being a symbol of freedom that should never be desecrated, also makes a lovely slip cover for a chair.

[caption id="attachment_545" align="alignright" width="300" caption="2010, here I come!"][/caption]

Whenever Palin is brought from the media backburner to the forefront, fact checkers are close behind. Many have charged, and shown compelling evidence, that she has a casual relation with the truth, which provides the best reason yet to take her seriously as an actual politician. Her new book contains explanation of events which run completely counter to the narrative or narratives she gave during the Presidential campaign. For example, during the campaign, Palin touted America's alliance with Eastasia in our war against Eurasia. In the book, Palin writes, "God bless those Eurasians, we've always been at war with Eastasia, yet they keep plugging along!"

After coming so close to becoming America's Vice President, Palin is hinting that she is planning on running for President in 2010, although the next presidential election isn't until 2012.

Palin isn't wavering. "Ya know, people have been telling me all my life that I can't do something. Now they're saying, Sarah, you can't run for President in 2010, it's impossible. I think that if I just keep my nose to that powder keg and wait for God to open that door, I'll be able to bust on through when it does."

The Best of Page 2 - Part Two

Here is the second half of The Best of Page Two

Bitch Cited For Failure To "Get Out The Way" - Local bitch Janet Chiller was issued a ticket by police for failure to obey the rapper Ludacris as he instructer her to “Get Out The Way” in a club on Saturday. According to witnesses, the popular rap artist was attempting to make his way through the club, with Ms. Chiller obstructing his path. Mr. Ludacris asked her politely to “Move Bitch”, a request that she refused to obey. Obviously in the wrong, she was issued a ticket and will have to appear in court next week. Chiller ran afoul of the law a few years back when she refused a request to “Back ‘Dat Ass Up”, which resulted in 14 days of jail time. Ludacris could not be reached for comment, as his entourage said he was “too fucking stoned to speak”.

Woman Denies Possession of Vibrator - Clarice Jenkins, a housewife from Billings, Montana, refuted accusations leveled by her husband that a vibrator found in a drawer belonged to her. Robert Jenkins says that he “came home from work and accidentally bumped into her end table drawer. The resulting buzzing sound caused me to investigate further.” That was when the discovery of the vibrator occurred.

Mrs. Jenkins originally tried to say that the vibrator belonged to their 8 year old daughter, Lorraine. When that excuse was not believed, she then said that it came with the drawer and she had never bothered to throw it away. Finally she admitted that she may have purchased a “pregnancy free penis substitute”, but definitely not a vibrator.

Abortion Enthusiasts Excited for Health Care Reform

Today's political environment is dominated with extreme rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Talk of FEMA concentration camps, death panels, and a second hour of Glenn Beck are scaring naïve listeners. But there is one group who is not only not scared by these scare tactics, they are giddy with excitement.

Jenna is a budding abortion enthusiast and college student. "I am just so excited about the government funded abortions they say will be available when health care reform passes," she says. "I'd been waiting for so long to finally experience an abortion, and I'm psyched that it will finally be affordable."

Jenna says her sister, Jamie, has already had four abortions, and says she's not done yet. "I only need one more for my punchcard, then I'll get one free abortion with an equal or lesser priced invasive medical procedure," Jamie says. "With offers like that I'd be a fool not to get pregnant again. The seats in the waiting room are really comfy too."

The Best of Page 2 - Part One

In the early days of The Fake News, the site was updated like a newspaper (remember those?) with multiple longer stories and a few shorter ones.  Some of them were not that great.  Here are the best.

Inner City Youth Shot For His “WWJD?” Bracelet - A 15 year old Bridgeport youth was shot and killed yesterday in an attack that was surprisingly not gang related. The 25 youths interviewed by police as witnesses say that they were just “sitting on their porch, drinking 40s, minding their own business”, when a car drove by and a boy jumped out, firing 2 shots into the 15 year old, whose name is not being released to the public because of his age.

Apparently, the only item taken from the youth was his bracelet, embroidered with the letters “WWJD?”, which stand for “What Would Jesus Do?”. Other valuables, such as the boy’s Michael Jordan sneakers, or his wallet containing $50, were not touched. The youth received the bracelet at a student outreach program sponsored by the local church. The boy’s parents hope that the attacker will read the bracelet, think about what Jesus would do, and turn himself into authorities.

Anal Retentive Man Washes Hair Perpetually - Jim Hedgson, a local guidance counselor has been washing his hair for 3 years consecutively, and has no plans to stop any time soon. “I have this condition where I have to follow any directions that I read. The other day I noticed for the first time that my shampoo had instructions written on the back. They said: ‘Wet Hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.’ The directions are pretty obvious,” he told us through his shower curtain yesterday. When we informed him that the repetition of the first three steps are optional, he didn’t believe us. “That’s how people get hurt. Directions are necessary to maintain order.” The school administration has not yet noticed Hedgson’s absence.

Apple Attempts To "Sync" Women With iPad

It can be the most frightnening four words a man can ever hear: "I'm on my period."  This natural occurrence can unfortunately causes billions of women to behave for a few days in a manner which they would not normally behave.  Many companies have tried to take advantage of this recurring occasion to make a buck or two, and Apple is the latest to throw their hat in the ring.

[caption id="attachment_332" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Irritability? Bloating? There's an app for that."][/caption]

The Apple iPad provides all the protection of a regular Maxi pad, with a few added features to bring the product into the digital age.  The starter kit includes a very small Bluetooth device, which attaches to the iPad, that sends a signal to other iPad wearers.  In studies conducted by the company, women who are both wearing iPads are very likely to have their menstrual cycles occur at the same time through a proprietary process Apple calls "cyc sync."

The company promises future features such as the ability to upload stats to Facebook and automatically friend your "cyc sync" contacts.

According to Apple spokeswoman Lisa March, "studies have shown that women who share their common struggle form a bond that helps each to improve their own condition.  Women can share tips on medicine and other treatment options that make the time more bearable."

When asked why a woman couldn't just randomly "friend" women on Facebook and achieve the same effect, March said she was late for a lunch appointment.

The iPad Heavy model comes equipped with a headphone jack and 4 GB of memory.  Apple says the headphone configuration "is guaranteed to be a sure-fire conversation starter."

For women who are not a fan of Maxi Pads, Apple plans to introduce the sister model, the iPlug, early next year.

How to Avoid the Swine Flu

Rather than making fun of celebrities and politicians today, we decided to provide a special public service.  Since nobody is telling people how to avoid the H1N1 flu, more commonly referred to as "swine" flu, we decided to help you prepare for the impending Aporkalypse.  Since the number of the beast is 666, here are 6 ways to protect yourself and your family.

[caption id="attachment_327" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="This is NOT how to get swine flu"][/caption]

1.  No matter how hot you think that girl or guy at the club is, ask your friends for a second opinion before you take them home.  Your inebriation may cause you to succumb to the number one cause of contracting swine flu: having sex with a pig.

2.  If you sizzle and give off a delectable aroma when in direct sunlight, go see a doctor.

3.  If you need to cough, cough into another person's sleeve.  This "cough into your own sleeve" idea is counterproductive, as you will be in close contact to your sleeve for the rest of the day.

4.  Start and conclude each day with a shower with boiling hot water.  Second degree burns are a small price to pay for sanitation.

5.  Since vaccines are in short supply, every person does not need a vaccine.  Only one person in a couple needs to be vaccinated, the second person can be immunized through sexual contact with the vaccinated person.  Remember, no condom!

6.  Avoid populations that are closely associated with pigs, such as pig farmers, butchers, and police.

UPDATE!

7. Using hand sanitizer is a great idea.  To ensure removal of germs, make sure you have a good coat of sanitizer, then light it on fire.  The fire will roast any remaining germs.

Conservative Protestors Stage Donkey Punching Parties

Not satisfied with their efforts to, as they put it, "teabag the whitehouse," conservatives upset with President Barack Obama's policies have devised a new strategy to garner media attention: donkey punching.

[caption id="attachment_320" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's the spirit!"][/caption]

On April 15^th, many people held "Tea Parties," where they gathered, waved signs that made anyone associated with the English language cringe, and talked of teabagging.  Some carried signs such as "Teabag the Liberal Dems Before They Teabag You!"  Others planned on dumping large amounts of tea into bodies of water to replicate the Boston Tea Party and provide a little taste of home to any fish that had migrated from English waters and were missing a bit of the ole' Earl Grey.  Unfortunately, park police told the protestors that dumping tea in the water was not allowed.  "Just another example of how the government regulators are keeping us down," said protestor Harry Larrimore.  "Imagine if our founding fathers had to deal with this level of regulation! They would have been stuck signing forms and getting permits instead of protesting."

These teabagging parties received much coverage in the press, although much of it has been focused on the name they chose for their protesting activity. Apparently unbeknownst to the teabaggers, the name they chose to call themselves doubles as a reference to a sex act.  Because of this, much of the media has lampooned their protests, and the teabaggers feel their message is not getting through.

"We decided that we would focus on the antics of the Democrats, how they make us feel, and what we would like to do," said Larrimore.  "We know the symbol of the Democratic Party is a donkey, so we started thinking of donkey piñatas. The Democrats make us so angry that we want to hit them, not literally of course, but figuratively.  We are trying to be more conscious of our image, so we are not using the stick normally used to hit piñatas, but instead are hitting the donkeys with our fist, or donkey punching as we put it.  So far, it's working well, but we have to be careful, because some of our fellow protestors have taken to shooting the donkey."

What if Sarah Palin Gave FDR's Pearl Harbor Speech?

Hi, Mr. Vice President.  Hi, Mr. Speaker.  Hi, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives.  And, Hi, America!

[caption id="attachment_312" align="alignright" width="181" caption="This is Sarah Palin's serious face"][/caption]

Yesterday, December the 7^th, was a pretty crappy day, excuse my language.  For those of you that don't remember, those Japanese people bombed one of our patriotic military bases and attacked a lot of people who are fighting for our freedoms.

Before that, we liked Japan.  They helped us with another vantage point of Russia.

But, get a load of this, America!  After those fighter planes bombed our brave, patriotic men and women protecting our freedoms, a politician from Japan met with our Receptionist of State and gave us a message.  They didn't say anything about the attack!  Can you believe it?

Now, everybody knows that Japan is pretty far from Hawaii.  Imagine how long it would take to drive there!  We know that they must have been cooking this up for quite some time, let me tell you!  While they were doing the planning, they were telling us that they wanted peace.  I don't know about you, but talking about peace while dropping bombs is pretty darn hypocritical.  In Alaska, we would say that the Japanese are talking out both sides of their eyes.

I'm not going to lie to you, we lost a lot of brave Real Americans yesterday.  In addition, we also lost a lot of fine ships.  These ships were in Pearl Harbor and also out in other waters.

They did not just attack us.  They attacked a bunch of other places.

Rupert Murdoch Chooses Karl Rove for "Outrage Czar"

In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage.  Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently.  Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the "Outrage Czar", a newly created position within Murdoch's companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.

[caption id="attachment_308" align="alignright" width="221" caption="Karl does his imitation of a rooster with a birth defect"][/caption]

Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task.  However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge.  "For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected," Murdoch says.  "We had groups of interns working around the clock on our 'consistency squad.'  Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea.  Forget it!  We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama.  We fired the 'consistency squad' then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts."

Rove explains, "The American people, our viewers especially, have a very short memory, especially for boring things like politics.  They can't and won't follow a long argument about the moral and ethical consequences of enhanced interrogation, but they can follow snappy sound bites like 'torture works and is totally awesome!'  I just took that simplicity and applied it to Obama.  It's a very simple formula: 'Obama did something today, here's how his actions today are destroying America.'"

Some people are concerned America has a finite source of outrage.  Rove disagrees, stating that outrage is a renewable resource and is simply replenished by a night's sleep.  Murdoch agrees.  "Karl's strategy is both simple and brilliant.  Obama does something every day.  With our vast panel of paid experts, we can always find someone to explain how his actions are leading us towards socialism.  One day, an intern accidently wrote 'fascist' instead of 'socialist' on the graphic and we learned another interesting thing.  None of our viewers know the difference."

Obama Awarded Peace Prize for Historic "Beer Summit"

BREAKING:

President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news.  The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck's ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers.  This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man.  Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals.  Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.

[caption id="attachment_301" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Karl Rove Follows Beck's Lead"][/caption]

When the President decided to host the "Beer Summit" at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, "just a few guys having a beer and talking."  But the responsible media knew the truth.  This was big.  Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.

The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further.  "It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama," said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee.

Debut Single - My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

For all 3 of you who were waiting for this, here ya go!  The anthem of the teabaggers.

http://jimmywellington.com/obamasong2.mp3

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us

With a nod, a smile and wink

But thanks toCharlie’s gotcha questions

Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She’s telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

This is not the country I know
I thought we all were meant to get our say
Our Founding Fathers must be wond’ring
Since when’s Hawaii a state anyway?

We aired our grievances at town halls
Called our representative a whore
We wouldn’t listen to their answers
We just shouted shouted ’til we passed out on the floor

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

We all should have seen this coming
But Obama’s halo blinded us
We all wanted hope and change
Instead my dear Grandma was turned to dust

It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
In fact we can’t say “Christmas” anymore
Please find a hiding place for Grandpa
Obama’s jackboot thugs are at the door

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

But as for Michelle Bachmann, she believes.

But as for Sarah Palin, she believes.