Police Praise "Scare-Pimp" Success

Written by Brian K. White

"Crime is on the downturn," reports Northpoint City Mayor Michael Burgmann. "and I think the reason is clear." The reason, of course is the newest crime deterrent manufactured and marketed by Preventech Corp. of Hatfield, Michigan.

The product, coined the "Scare-Pimp" works according to the instinctive patterns of both pimps and their contract employees. "They're a territorial breed," explains Ronnie Newman, CEO of Preventech. "You only get one per block and that's it. They don't break the pimping grounds rule."

The principle is simple, one scare pimp is placed on a corner of each known problem area. They are built slightly larger than the standard pimp, in order to deter confrontation. When confrontations do arise, the Scare-Pimps cool nature and ability to play silent typically defuses any problems. Many are placed beside cardboard cutouts of Cadillacs with tinted windows, while others have one or more "scare-hoes" by their sides.

"We experimented early on with models that would smoke a cigar or a crack pipe, but found their straw composition to be too combustible. Fireproofing a bunch of hay like that was nearly impossible, since we already had to scotch guard the damn things for rain, so we just added a few more gold chains. Pretty much did the trick."

Law enforcement officials have applauded the program since its inception and have continued to find new applications. They are also capable of attracting vice-crime violators who have been seen attempting to talk with the scare pimp for as long as 45 minutes.

Online Poll: President Bush is HOT!

Citing "being really bored" and "Dick Cheney dared me to" as reasons, George W. Bush - leader of the free world - joined the millions of people that have posted their photo on the HOT or NOT website, and the nation's computer savvy citizens have this to say: He's a major babe!

[caption id="attachment_372" align="alignright" width="232" caption="We have no idea how his picture could have got on HOT or NOT. No, really."][/caption]

Bush says that he never checks his rating, because he "just did it as a big joke". However, an independent review reveals that someone from the domain www.ovaloffice.whitehouse.gov has checked the profile's rating 1423 times in the last 2 days.

The site's function is so simple that people have been kicking themselves for years, wondering why they couldn't have thought of it first. Insecure people post a picture to the website, and then rate others' photos, using a number system ranging from 10 (HOT) to 1 (NOT).

President Bush's current rating is 9.3, however part of that could be partially due to his "pimpin' his shit" to his friends and relatives, using his direct link listed here.

HOT or NOT (www.hotornot.com) has been abuzz for the past three weeks, with as many as 7 people doing a double take while rating pictures.

"I couldn't believe my eyes, I was all like, 'Dude, that's like the president and stuff.' Joey told me that he kinda looked like a chimp. Then we got high", said teenager Matthew Quentin.

In the past, the online citizens of HOT or NOT debated whether or not comedian Carrot Top had actually posted his picture as a desparate publicity stunt. The picture led to clamors for a new rating of "0", however the rating system stayed intact. Jim, one of the founders of the site explained: "Introducing a new variable that revolutionary would have shattered these people's fragile little minds."

Ex-Vice President Al Gore has tried to submit his photo for inclusion, however he has been informed that his picture is too large for the site to accept. He plans to increase his diet regimen and try again next month.

George Bush Relieved To Be Re-Elected

American leader George W. Bush announced on Wednesday that he was relieved to still be president following the elections of November fifth.

[caption id="attachment_369" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Bush: This is what a housey looks like!"][/caption]

"I'm glad that the American people went to the polls yesterday and made their voices heard. They were loud and clear in their support for a Republican run government, as well as their desire to have myself as the point man for that government, if you will. I will do my best to prove that the American people have made a wise choice by re-electing me as your President."

At that point, President Bush opened the floor to questions from the White House Press Corps. An excerpt follows.

Keith Washington: New York Post - "So, Mr. President. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your re-election, you must be very proud."

President Bush - "Why are you snickering, Keith?"

KW - "Sorry Mr. President, I just remembered a joke that Christiane Amanpour told me yesterday. Back to my question. Can you say a few words about your opponent in this election?"

President Bush - "I honestly don't know who I was running against, I told my staff that I didn't want to know who my opponent was, since I decided to run based on the issues. I was proud that I didn't run any negative ads in this election, for I think that we should move away from that, and focus more on the issues."

Shari Jackson - "To what do you attribute the lack of media coverage in this Presidential Election?"

President Bush - "I try not to read the papers, or watch news programs on television. In fact, I'm pretty much out of the loop on anything related to domestic or foreign policy. Sometimes Condy [Rice] lets me sign stuff."

During the press conference Ari Fleischer and Colin Powell were seen doubled over in laughter, barely able to speak.

Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers Having Trouble Getting To Meetings

Keith Potter leans his head against the deployed airbag of his black 1997 Toyota Celica, trying in vain to shake the cobwebs from his head, caused by running headfirst into a telephone pole - again.



[caption id="attachment_195" align="alignright" width="300" caption="It's Not Too Hard To Pick Out DDAMM Members"][/caption]




Potter is a founding member of the reactionary organization Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers (DDAMM - the first D is silent). For years Potter, and others like him, have been persecuted by the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) organization. They intend to do something about the harassment, providing members can make it to the meetings.

NYC Wins US Olympic Bid, San Francisco Settles For Gay Pride Parade - Again

Bringing an end to a competition that enraptured the many American sports fans that actually care about the Olympics, the United States Olympic Committee announced New York City as their choice for the American city to compete against other cities worldwide for the 2012 Summer Olympics, beating out San Francisco.

[caption id="attachment_481" align="alignright" width="281" caption="The USOC's New Logo"][/caption]

The deciding factor in their decision was New York's decision to spend whatever was needed to create an Olympiad that would reflect America's vast superiority over the rest of the world, according to an USOC insider speaking from his cell phone inside his new Ferrari, one of a fleet that mysteriously appeared at the USOC headquarters.

International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge appeared to be enthusiastic about New York's chances to be chosen as the host city for the 2012 Olympic Games. "I'm a 36 long, and a size 12 shoe. My favorite color for automobiles is red."

San Francisco mayor Ross Carter tried to remain upbeat, though he was obviously disappointed with the committee's decision. "Well, we still have the Gay Pride parade to look forward to, which is always a big deal. We like to see ourselves as a city that embraces every lifestyle, something that we thought would sway the vote in our favor. Unfortunately that was not the case. It appears a little green is more important than a vibrant, growing, accepting community."

12 Year Old Boy Seizes Oil Platform

Written by Jimmy Wellington

A four-man Navy SEAL Team led by 12 year old Jason McDermott captured an Iraqi oil platform yesterday, striking a major military and economic blow to the crumbling regime.

[caption id="attachment_239" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Video of the onslaught"][/caption]

According to independent sources, this was the forty-third time McDermott and his team had attempted the mission. Previous attempts had failed, according to the commander because: "Dude, it's a fucking hard mission, ok?"

McDermott, whose SEAL Team code name is "Kahuna", led the team into battle, or to be more accurate, hid behind large metal beams while fellow team members "Jester" and "Spectre" silently eliminated all enemy threats.

Playboy Sued For Masturbation Related Incident

In the aftermath of the $26B judgement against Phillip Morris, the amount of frivolous lawsuits has seen a dramatic increase. What might be the most ridiculous is the $50B lawsuit filed by John Mager, a psychologist from Albany. Dr. Mager has filed suit against Mr. Hugh Hefner and the Playboy corporation for their involvement in the loss of his penis last Friday.

Dr. Mager tells his side of the story: "I had just gotten my new cable package, which included the Playboy channel. I was interested in learning more about the programs that they offer, since the articles in their print magazine [Playboy Magazine] are so informative and well-written. I was surprised to find out that there is no news programs, none of the famous interviews that I'm used to reading, but rather and endless parade of young, nubile, well-endowed women frolicking around naked. While I like to watch naked women as much as any red blooded male, I have to say I was disappointed."

When asked to get to the fucking point of his story, he told us "the problem started when I settled down for a night in front of the tube. There was no informative or intelligent programming on, so I decided to turn the television off and curl up with a new book I had just bought. I pressed the "channel up" button instead of the "off" button I was attempting to press, and I ended up on the Playboy channel."

"Upon seeing the Tiffany Taylor special, I had to masturbate. I'm sorry, but I'm only human and that brown haired minx had me from the first frame. So I got out the hand lotion and the tissues and prepared to have a grand old time. However, after the first time I "finished" and cleaned up, I saw the Anna Nicole Smith [before she was a fat cow] special. Needless to say, my hand won out and I had already masturbated to completion before I was able to stop myself. After 32 consecutive specials, my little guy was beginning to look a bit chafed and appeared to be in need of treatment. When I got up, my engorged penis banged into the end table, causing it to begin throbbing. I went to get an ice bag and that's when the real trouble started."

Upon regaining consciousness, he realized with a shock that he had passed out with the ice bag on his genitals. His penis had become severely frostbitten, turning black. He plunged his member into a tub of warm water, where the sudden change in temperature caused it to fall off into the tub. Understandably frightened, he passed out on the floor and was not discovered until two days later by his wife, coming home from a business trip.

Doctors were not able to re-attach the penis, due to the extended period of time that it was separated from its owner.

The fifty billion dollar lawsuit claims that Hefner and his corporation "willfully and deliberately ran 24 consecutive hours of their most erotic programs, knowing full well that the average American heterosexual male would not be able to resist that kind of continuous assault on the eyes."

Hefner had this to say in his defense: "If he couldn't handle it, he shouldn't have watched it. Just because it's there, doesn't mean that it HAS to be viewed. I can masturbate continuously for 48 straight hours, I don't know what his problem is. I guess he's just not man enough."

Christopher Reeve Stricken With Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Written by Cherry Bombe

May 27, 1995 is a day that will live in infamy. It was the day that Christopher Reeve spoke those fateful words, "Helmet? I don't need a helmet! I'm Superman!" and was then thrown from his horse in an equestrian pissing match, damaging his C1 and C2 vertebrae. It seemed that this high flying silver screen super hero had met his kryptonite, in the form of a thoroughbred horse named Eastern Express.

But with the help of hard work, determination, international fame, millions of dollars and a private team of specialists, Reeve persevered. Fall of 2002 found him wiggling digits and twitching extremities. For an alien once capable of stopping the flow of molten lava with the sheer force and chilliness of his breath, this seems no big deal, but for the all-too-human and fragile Reeves, this feat is a personal victory, and a medical miracle.

The medical community was astounded that Reeve was even alive after an accident of such magnitude. Many die from injuries such as his, and as it was, Reeves relied on a ventilator to breathe. But seven years later, Reeve shocked his doctor and the rest of the world when he performed a trick he'd been practicing in private for months: slowly, deliberately, Reeve raised his middle finger--a message for everyone who'd ever said he'd never move below the neck again.

Tragedy, however, has seen fit to strike again. Since the discovery of his new ability, Reeve has been invited to appear on every major evening news and daytime talk program on air and demonstrate his unbelievable and newfound motor skills. This constant and repetitive motion has taken a toll on joints and tendons unaccustomed to any movement at all and has led to a rather severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome, again immobilizing Reeve from the wrists down.

He remains courageous and optimistic though. "I know I will overcome this setback. Lex Luthor couldn't stop me. A little carpal tunnel syndrome sure as hell won't. And besides, I can still wiggle my toes."

Hate Email for "Olsen Twins Gone Wild!"

Click here to read the original article

Hello, I am Mary-Kate Olsen, and I was seaching the web oneday, and I saw "the fake news" when I seached Latest news in google. This came up. I clicked it, because some things they make up are pretty funny! But, I saw that you have info on my sister and I. I don't like that. Usually I ignore th ings like that! But this is out of hand. You made up "fake" qutes that our "parents" said. They are true. Nothing on your site is true. I am just politly asking if you could delete that bit of information. It is disgusting, and wrong. Please, and thankyou!

I WOULD LIKE A REPOND!

signed,
Mary-Kate

Our Reply

Hi Mary-Kate, this is Jimmy Wellington. I would like to talk to you about your libelous accusations. Everything on our site is 100% true! My IM is xxxxxxxxxxx on AIM and I'd love to interview you for my site.

I would also like a repond!

signed,

Jimmy Wellington

Mary-Kate actually took some time out of conquering the world to write back

Your Website Is not 100% true. And I cannot keep emailing you about this. It is false information. And I know you say things like that abotu everyone on your site, but sure, you can interview me, but then we have to stop emailing eachother because I cannot take this to my lawyer and go to court. I dont want to make that big of a deal out of it. And also, I might not do the interview with you because you seam business like in email, but when I first complained in email to you, I heard you gave my screen name away. That is not business like. Your friend Instant Messaged me and was being cruel, and rude. So I cannot work with you if you are going to give my screen name or email address away. Quickly like send me questions. But If I see that you post my E-mail address on your site, I will take this to court.

signed

Marykate

I obviously couldn't leave well enough alone...

Marykate, Thanks for the repond. I appreciate it. I'm amazed that you would contact me directly, I mean isn't that what you have lawyers for? I mean you keep talking about lawsuits and stuff, if I'm not mistaken, you haven't gone to law school. Maybe your sister has. Give her a shout out for me, would you? I mean, you're cute and stuff, but she's like WAY hotter.

So you didn't answer my question, do you want to do an interview with my site? I mean I'd want to be your boyfriend, but if that's not possible an interview would be fantastic. Please respond.

Jimmy

Apparently talking about her and her sister having sex is ok, but saying her sister is hot is WAY over the line...

No! I cannot interview you! Telling me my sister is hott, then asking me out!? Thats NOT perfessional! goodbye! My sister and me, NEITHER of us went to lawschool! goodbye!

I attempted to repair the damage I caused

No, you don't understand. I don't want you to interview me. I want to interview you. Perhaps you didn't realize that I was joking when I said that about your sister. Aren't you twins? If not, you sure look alike. So if your sister is hot, wouldn't that make you hot? Should I tell you that you're ugly? Would that be better?

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong! I want to be perfessional, but if I didn't see that I thought you were hot, that wouldn't be honest. Isn't honesty always the best? That's what my mom told me.

Please don't say goodbye. You still have clothes here.

I actually scored an interview with (someone claiming to be) the pint-sized billionaire

I still have clothes there? what that about? yes me and my sister are twins, but we dont look alike! Well at least I dont think so! Ive been with her my whole life! ask me only FOUR questions. thats my limit. thats all you get for the interview and then im hanging up my pen "that means goodbye"

Here it is, screen names changes to protect my identity (and that psycho's)

Jimmy Wellington: hi, this is jimmy wellington from The Fake News, you agreed to do an interview with me?

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes, but only 4 questions. And then I am out.

Jimmy Wellington: why only four?

Mary Kate Olsen: Because this is not a real interview. I did not sign anything.. so quick quick! only 4

Jimmy Wellington: the interview hasn't started yet, but why is it so quick?

Mary Kate Olsen: just 4!

Mary Kate Olsen: now go!

Jimmy Wellington: why so sudden??

Jimmy Wellington: i need to research

Jimmy Wellington: that's what journalists do

Mary Kate Olsen: research?

Mary Kate Olsen: uh.. i didnt sign anything.

Jimmy Wellington: if i can only get 4 questions, they have to be good ones

Jimmy Wellington: i never asked you to

Mary Kate Olsen: i am going back out soon unless u ask a quick first question

Mary Kate Olsen: i need to get going soon

Jimmy Wellington: where are you going, to have sex with nick lachey?

Jimmy Wellington: he's married

Jimmy Wellington: that's wrong

Mary Kate Olsen: exuse me?

Jimmy Wellington: i see you have an L, that must be for Lachey

Mary Kate Olsen: No!

Jimmy Wellington: then what does the L stand for?

Jimmy Wellington: lesbian?

Mary Kate Olsen: You are a freak

Jimmy Wellington: loch ness monster?

Jimmy Wellington: luscious jackson?

Mary Kate Olsen: It is for Lucsious.. my sister made it up.. she calls me that

Mary Kate Olsen: omg

Jimmy Wellington: that's hot

Mary Kate Olsen: no just lucsous

Mary Kate Olsen: leave me alone

Jimmy Wellington: what do you call her?

Jimmy Wellington: wait, i'm being serious

Mary Kate Olsen: No mor einterview you sick man, say one more thing and I will report you to AOL

Mary Kate Olsen: you are gross.

Mary Kate Olsen: you are NOT a business man

Jimmy Wellington: well all right, have a nice day

Mary Kate Olsen: I call her twinkle

Mary Kate Olsen: BYE

Jimmy Wellington: wait

Jimmy Wellington: don't go

Mary Kate Olsen: WHAT

Jimmy Wellington: i'll be professional

Jimmy Wellington: i promise

Jimmy Wellington: i pinky swear

Mary Kate Olsen: It is too late. You mentioned sex, that is illigal to ask in an interview.

Mary Kate Olsen: If you didnt know !

Jimmy Wellington: have you read any of the playboy interviews?

Mary Kate Olsen: NO

Jimmy Wellington: or maxim

Mary Kate Olsen: I do not read playboy

Jimmy Wellington: i didn't say you did

Mary Kate Olsen: NO

Jimmy Wellington: i thought maybe you'd heard of them

Mary Kate Olsen: I never said you did either, and no i have never even looked at one

Jimmy Wellington: sorry, i didn't mean to offend you

Mary Kate Olsen: I have heard of them, but i dont read them

Jimmy Wellington: what is your greatest accomplishment?

Jimmy Wellington: that's question number one

Mary Kate Olsen: Being so successful with my job and school.

Mary Kate Olsen: And getting eccepted to NYU!

Jimmy Wellington: what exactly is your job?

Mary Kate Olsen: accepted*

Mary Kate Olsen: Well, a designer, and actress, and i actually work directing now.

Jimmy Wellington: what have you directed?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well I havnt yet, but I might study it in College, and I worked on my TV show "so little time" with my sister.

Jimmy Wellington: did you direct any episodes?

Mary Kate Olsen: and the professionals, but we helped a LOT with that

Jimmy Wellington: or like maybe move the cameras around?

Jimmy Wellington: or do that thing where you hold your hands up and look throught them?

Mary Kate Olsen: what

Mary Kate Olsen: no

Jimmy Wellington: the directors do that

Jimmy Wellington: they look through their hands

Jimmy Wellington: for some reason

Mary Kate Olsen: We help with the script, and we help the cast out, and help the filming when it isnt our parts

Mary Kate Olsen: I got a chance to film once!

Jimmy Wellington: have you written any scripts?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well nto a whole script, but if there is something we would never say in real life the script supervisors totally let us change it

Jimmy Wellington: so you try to make it more realistic?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well, if they wanted us to say like "oh bananas!" we would say that sounds funny and ask if like we could say "oh geeze!!"

Jimmy Wellington: why would anyone want you to say oh bananas?

Mary Kate Olsen: not exsactly realistic.. because the scripts are always pretty realistic

Jimmy Wellington: i mean, i've never heard anyone say that

Jimmy Wellington: or is that your point

Mary Kate Olsen: well yeah pretty much!

Mary Kate Olsen: we found a few werid things in our scripts!

Jimmy Wellington: have you ran into any drug use in the industry

Jimmy Wellington: not on your part

Mary Kate Olsen: No.

Mary Kate Olsen: never

Jimmy Wellington: like people you work with

Mary Kate Olsen: Umm, not that I know of

Jimmy Wellington: like directors never seem more excited certain times, than others, like they're more active?

Jimmy Wellington: or they might have a nosebleed

Mary Kate Olsen: Well sort of, but it is always just their personalities.

Jimmy Wellington: or a syringe hanging out of their arm?

Jimmy Wellington: yeah, i know how that is

Mary Kate Olsen: they have fun, but are very serious

Jimmy Wellington: oh ok

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay, only 2 more questions.

Jimmy Wellington: do you ever have any say in the costumes?

Mary Kate Olsen: and you have to delete me from your buddylist and eanything u have

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes!

Mary Kate Olsen: always!

Jimmy Wellington: like do you use your own clothes?

Mary Kate Olsen: we pick out what outfits we love!

Jimmy Wellington: do you keep them?

Mary Kate Olsen: and if we hated something they wouldnt make us wear it, but there are ecceptions!

Mary Kate Olsen: We only keep a few things.

Jimmy Wellington: what exceptions are there?

Mary Kate Olsen: But usually it gets returned to the company

Jimmy Wellington: what's the most expensive thing you've kept?

Mary Kate Olsen: Like in our movie new york minute, we have to get under disguise, to hide from the bad guys, and we have to wear funky outfits, and we of course wore those because it was part of the scene and script

Jimmy Wellington: what was the disguise?

Jimmy Wellington: was it like the glassed and the fake nose?

Jimmy Wellington: glasses

Jimmy Wellington: my friend wore one of those once, and i had no idea who he was

Mary Kate Olsen: Well, It was just funky outfits. We had to like wear weird things., Ashley had to wear an afro, and I wore this weird blue outfit

Jimmy Wellington: it was crazy

Mary Kate Olsen: One more question.

Mary Kate Olsen: and you have to delte my name from your list

Mary Kate Olsen: and everythin on me

Mary Kate Olsen: because I cannot usually talk to people on it. I just use it for mail.

Jimmy Wellington: so there's no chance of a followup interview?

Mary Kate Olsen: So one last question!!

Jimmy Wellington: or maybe an interview with you and ayour sister?

Mary Kate Olsen: No, sorry.. this is not like permenent! I did not sign peperworl

Jimmy Wellington: it would be an exclusive!

Mary Kate Olsen: paperwork*

Jimmy Wellington: hmmmmm

Mary Kate Olsen: sorry, no

Jimmy Wellington: ok hold on

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay

Jimmy Wellington: that's cool

Mary Kate Olsen: please hurry and ask one last thing

Mary Kate Olsen: I need to get going

Jimmy Wellington: have you heard of a countdown on the internet to when you and your sister turn 18?

Jimmy Wellington: like a website?

Mary Kate Olsen: No..

Jimmy Wellington: no?

Mary Kate Olsen: who would do that!?

Mary Kate Olsen: hehe

Jimmy Wellington: it was on tv

Jimmy Wellington: the other day

Mary Kate Olsen: Hmm..

Jimmy Wellington: i heard there's a site that's doing that

Mary Kate Olsen: Thats pretty amazingf

Jimmy Wellington: i mean, you're 17, right?

Mary Kate Olsen: Devoted fans!

Mary Kate Olsen: hehe

Mary Kate Olsen: yes

Mary Kate Olsen: We turn 18 June 13th

Jimmy Wellington: when you turn 18, would you go to a strip club? I'm not being dirty, i know a lot of girls that do

Mary Kate Olsen: No,

Jimmy Wellington: my friend did when she turned 18

Jimmy Wellington: i was just curious

Mary Kate Olsen: ashley and I are not interested in that

Mary Kate Olsen: Ok

Jimmy Wellington: what if it was a male strip club?

Mary Kate Olsen: was that the last question?

Jimmy Wellington: like chippendales

Mary Kate Olsen: No, still we dont liek that

Jimmy Wellington: they have some good guys

Jimmy Wellington: you don't like in shape, good looking guys?

Mary Kate Olsen: Thats alright, our boyfriends owuld hate it! hehe

Jimmy Wellington: who is your boyfriend?

Jimmy Wellington: i must have missed that on E!

Jimmy Wellington: is he famous?

Jimmy Wellington: or is it a regular guy

Mary Kate Olsen: You didnt know? hes not very famous, hes a directors son.

Mary Kate Olsen: And ashleys boyfriend is a football player.

Mary Kate Olsen: Matt Klaplan

Jimmy Wellington: brian urlacher?

Jimmy Wellington: ohhhhh

Mary Kate Olsen: No

Jimmy Wellington: you're dating randall spielberg?

Mary Kate Olsen: no

Jimmy Wellington: his brother mackenzie?

Mary Kate Olsen: no

Jimmy Wellington: he's kinda cute

Jimmy Wellington: who then?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well I dont like to tell anyone.

Jimmy Wellington: well i mean, doesn't the media know?

Jimmy Wellington: they know everything

Mary Kate Olsen: Well some of the media.

Jimmy Wellington: like maria menounous

Jimmy Wellington: ?

Jimmy Wellington: from ET?

Mary Kate Olsen: It might be out now, but I want to try to keep it a secret

Jimmy Wellington: she knows everyone

Mary Kate Olsen: Ill just say he has a twin sister

Jimmy Wellington: i heard she even knows the president's girlfriend

Jimmy Wellington: oops, i wasn't supposed to tell anyone about that

Jimmy Wellington: are you going to vote when you turn 18?

Mary Kate Olsen: Umm. Okay nice talkign with you, bye

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes

Mary Kate Olsen: I am going to vote,

Jimmy Wellington: for who?

Jimmy Wellington: bush

Jimmy Wellington: ?

Mary Kate Olsen: I do not know yet

Mary Kate Olsen: Not bush

Jimmy Wellington: you don't like bush?

Jimmy Wellington: why not?

Mary Kate Olsen: I like him, but nothing personal!

Jimmy Wellington: he's the president

Mary Kate Olsen: I dont like what he represents.

Jimmy Wellington: such as"?

Mary Kate Olsen: I liked gore.

Jimmy Wellington: i don't really like violence

Jimmy Wellington: ohhhhh

Jimmy Wellington: al gore

Jimmy Wellington: i get it

Mary Kate Olsen: Sorry, thisdiscussion is over, I just prefer othe rpeople, I do like bush though

Jimmy Wellington: sorry

Jimmy Wellington: why is it over?

Jimmy Wellington: do you have to go meet your b/f?

Mary Kate Olsen: Because I am not a politiosian

Jimmy Wellington: i'm just trying to do my job

Jimmy Wellington: me neither

Jimmy Wellington: i'm a journalist

Mary Kate Olsen: You have no job!

Jimmy Wellington: how dare you

Mary Kate Olsen: you work for the "FAKE news!"

Jimmy Wellington: so

Jimmy Wellington: you have fake breasts

Jimmy Wellington: there i said it

Mary Kate Olsen: No I do not!

Jimmy Wellington: that's the rumor

Mary Kate Olsen: Well dont be so goulable! I have never gotten implants! That is so not true!

Jimmy Wellington: i heard you went to Britney Spears' plastic surgeon

Mary Kate Olsen: And I have met britney spears 3 tines, and she never got them either

Jimmy Wellington: so how did she grow so big, so fast?

Mary Kate Olsen: It is the truth

Mary Kate Olsen: She did not.

Mary Kate Olsen: It is called a ownderbra

Jimmy Wellington: a what?

Mary Kate Olsen: a WONDERBRA

Jimmy Wellington: ohhhhh

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay, bye

Jimmy Wellington: wait

Jimmy Wellington: don't go

Mary Kate Olsen: dont publish this

Mary Kate Olsen: i didnt sign anything

Jimmy Wellington: publish what

Mary Kate Olsen: this interview

Mary Kate Olsen: do not put it on a site or anything

Jimmy Wellington: would you say that you have the best hot pink in the country?

Mary Kate Olsen: exuse me?

Jimmy Wellington: that's your screen name, right?

Jimmy Wellington: hot pink

Jimmy Wellington: so would you say you're the best

Mary Kate Olsen: It is illigal to put this on a webdite since I didnt not sign anything

Jimmy Wellington: with that screen name

Mary Kate Olsen: I am not the best.. thats a cute color thats all

Jimmy Wellington: i mean there's like at least 122 other hot pinks on aol

Mary Kate Olsen: Well I like the color

Jimmy Wellington: why are you the best

Jimmy Wellington: ?

Mary Kate Olsen: I am not!

Jimmy Wellington: i think you are

Mary Kate Olsen: Thats real swet, but you are not a sweet person

Jimmy Wellington: i think you're the only hot pink that i'd want

Jimmy Wellington: i am

Mary Kate Olsen: you said rude things about me

Jimmy Wellington: i'm as sweet as equal

Mary Kate Olsen: i do not have fake boobs

Jimmy Wellington: or sweet and low

Jimmy Wellington: that's what i heard

Jimmy Wellington: i didn't make it up

Mary Kate Olsen: Well you heard wrong

Jimmy Wellington: justin timberlake told me

Mary Kate Olsen: you are under arrest If you use this interview on your site

Jimmy Wellington: under arrest?

Jimmy Wellington: for what?

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes

Jimmy Wellington: would you handcuff me?

Mary Kate Olsen: For publishing without me signing

Jimmy Wellington: and search me?

Mary Kate Olsen: No, We will take this to court

Jimmy Wellington: like, the people's court?

Mary Kate Olsen: I did not sign the paperwork, and hense that means you could go to jail if you put this on a site

Jimmy Wellington: go to jail?

Mary Kate Olsen: Like, the court of law

Jimmy Wellington: uh oh

Jimmy Wellington: that court?

Jimmy Wellington: damn

Mary Kate Olsen: So, please dont publish this

Jimmy Wellington: so, why do you have so much info on hilary duff on your profile?

Jimmy Wellington: is she your "boyfriend"?

Mary Kate Olsen: Because shes a cute little girl, and No one would think it is me if I use it. And, also I am a fan of hers, we have repct towards eachother.

Jimmy Wellington: oh yeah?

Jimmy Wellington: interesting

Jimmy Wellington: well, it's been nice talking to you

Mary Kate Olsen: If I see this on your site, you iwll go to prison

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay

Jimmy Wellington: thanks for doing the interview

Mary Kate Olsen: You too

Mary Kate Olsen: wait

Jimmy Wellington: i'll talk to you later

Mary Kate Olsen: DELETE me from you r buddy list

Mary Kate Olsen: no you wont

Jimmy Wellington: what picture do you want me to use for the interview?

Mary Kate Olsen: I have a new screen name, now that you know htis one

Jimmy Wellington: i'm sure you do

Mary Kate Olsen: YUO WONT USE THIS INTERVIEW

Jimmy Wellington: i need a picture

Jimmy Wellington: of course not

Jimmy Wellington: but if i did

Mary Kate Olsen: you wont

Jimmy Wellington: i'd need a picture

Mary Kate Olsen: would u want to go to prison?

Jimmy Wellington: yeah, i love prison

Jimmy Wellington: the guys there are so nice

Jimmy Wellington: well, have a nice night

Jimmy Wellington: i'll let you know when the interview goes up

Jimmy Wellington: bye!

Mary Kate Olsen: IT WONT

Mary Kate Olsen: i am callign the cops

Jimmy Wellington: goodnight

Jimmy Wellington: have fun

Jimmy Wellington: bye

Mary Kate Olsen: you are banned from AOL for 97 hours

Jimmy Wellington: oh shit

Jimmy Wellington: i'm sooooo scared

Jimmy Wellington: bye bye

Mary Kate Olsen signed off at 6:08:59 PM.

Bush Challenges Hussein To Spelling Bee, Aides Quickly Retract Offer

The world was shocked earlier this week when an Iraqi spokesman challenged American president George W. Bush to a duel. Initally the White House announced that they would not dignify the challenge with a response, but the situation took an interesting turn yesterday. The president apparantly bit through his gag and snuck away from advisors to make a personal response to Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

"Thank you for coming, I'd like to address this infantile challenge from Mr. Hussein. Mr. Hussein thinks that he can make a mockery out of this administation, well I have two words for you sir: "That's my job." In Texas we have a little saying. 'Challenge me once....oh never mind.' I don't agree to your duel, I'm just too set against senseless violence, it's just...not...right. What I propose is a meeting of the minds to settle this conflict. Yes, we'll settle this the old fashioned way, with a spelling bee. The contest will be officiated by an impartial party, Dick Cheney. The words will be..."

At that point Condoleezza Rice ran into the room and tackled the president, while Ari Fliescher quickly addressed the assembled throngs. "I apologize for that. The president was receiving a dental treatment that required nitrous oxide and he left the room when the dentist's back was turned. He's not in his right mind, and we retract any statements that he may have made. Thank you."

Reaction from world leaders consisted of the usual "laughing their asses off" variety, with most leaders too hysterical to make statements. Canadien Prime Minister Jean Chretien was finally able to calm down enough to comment. "Monsieur Bush was obviously not in his right mind. We continue to stand by the United States and support them, at least vocally."

At press time, all world leaders we attempted to contact were still laughing too hard to operate a telephone.

Olsen Twins Gone Wild!

Written by Thaddeus McClean III

Icons of the kid and teen video scene for most of their lives now, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have released the next in their series of straight to video movies for their lifelong fanbase. With the twins reaching the age of 16 this year, this life parelleling movie making process seems to have taken a downturn.

The latest release, "Mary-Kate & Ashley - Cherry Pop", from the twins chronicles their weekend in Las Vegas alone on their 16th birthday after being separated from their parents while transferring flights at the airport. With their parents on a plane to Hawaii and unable to return until the following day, the twins end up spending the night on the famous Las Vegas strip where they meet twin farm boys from Oklahoma who return to their hotel suite with them.

The video details the girls' thoughts and emotions as they debate whether or not to "give it up" to the two handsome farm boys. Because they're sisters, the girls know that they can get through anything together, and decide to "go for it". In a scene that is officially described as "tasteful" and "more emotional than sexual", the twins lose their virginity simultaneously in the hotel hot tub next to a window with a 50th story view of the lights of Sin City.

Numerous social groups, religious leaders and media personalities have already decreed the movie as "pornographic", "disgusting", "unnecessary", and "a Howard Stern wet dream". Miraflix Pictures, the video's distributor, has already announced that it will not release it in the Southern and South Eastern United States due to threatened boycotts of all Miraflix products by several religious organizations.

The twins' parents released a statement Tuesday stating, "Like many parents, we were worried that our girls would take that step in their lives in a dangerous or unsafe situation. We felt better knowing that it would be in a safe, controlled environment where they were being professionally monitored and guided through this growing experience. Our little girls are women now".

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was reportedly on the list of those to receive one of the first copies of the movie this week. According to his staff and family, he has not left his private New York office for the last three days.

Stand Up Comedian Fabricates Anecdote

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Comedy fans were outraged when it was made public that popular comedian Pablo Francisco totally made up a story that he shared with the audience. Francisco told an audience in an unnamed NYC comedy club that he had a roommate that was a male stripper who "shaved his juevos". When pressed about the validity of the story , he replied by saying "Dude, do you think that everything I say during my act actually happens? I would have to be the most interesting guy in the world. Come on now."

The Comedian's Union came to Francisco's defense, saying that fabricating humorous stories is vital to any stand-up comedian's repertoire. Chris Rock had this to say: "Of course we make stuff up. Shit, there's comedians out there who make up their entire act. I mean, I'm white! They just use lighting and camera tricks."

The more we researched, the more we found out that much of the entertainment industry "makes up" stories. In the movie industry, for example, reportedly up to 95% of Hollywood movies are "stuff that we make up ourselves", according to script writers. We were surprised to hear that there really is no Matrix, pigs don't talk, and there is no Spiderman.

Francisco tried to further clarify his position, but telling us that most of his act is "just exaggerated stuff that really happens to me. About the "juevos", I do have a roommate and one night he got drunk and shaved his balls. He talks in that male bimbo voice, so I just kinda exaggerated a little bit. Everyone's doing it."

Jerry Seinfeld weighed in on the controversy: "What's the deal with the stand-up comedians? If I decided to get up on a stage in a chair and tell jokes, or relate humorous observations, would I not be a stand-up comedian? I just don't get it."

Forrest Manson: First Draft Of Gump Movie Unearthed

The movie Forrest Gump is a celebration of the American spirit, told through the life story of a well-meaning simpleton. However, this feel good movie was initially slated to be a much darker tale of human misery and immorality. The title of the script was originally "Forrest Manson", a story of an insane serial killer who, through no intention of his own, found himself involved in nearly every major news story of a thirty year time span.

The character of Jenny, a fan favorite from the Gump movie, was in the original script, however she was not only Forrest's lover, but also his partner in crime. Sample dialogue consisted of: "Jenny, I may not be a morally conscious or mentally sound man, but I know what love is. And Jenny, I love you, especially when you're wearing that dead guy's head."

Not surprisingly, Tom Hanks was not initially involved in the project until the script change to the movie that we know today. Hanks called the original script "sick, disgusting and depraved. How the hell could I win an Oscar for that?"

If the movie had been made as originally scripted, the world would have been denied such characters as Lt. Dan, a vietnam vet who begrudgingly became Gump's friend. In the original script, his character was Wilson, a volleyball that Forrest talked to, a character that Hanks stole for his movie "Castaway".

Several scenes from the original were altered for inclusion in the revised screenplay. For example, the crowd pleasing "shit happens" scene was originally "double homicide with satanic overtones happens."

When asked if his performance in the recent "Road To Perdition" was influenced by the Forrest Manson character, Hanks growled at us until we went away.

"Bumfights" Plantiffs Settle Lawsuit For Two Million Cheeseburgers

Disappointing the millions of Americans that wanted to see the case go to trial, the "Bumfights" case has been settled. According to early reports, the plaintiffs - Rufus Hannah, 47, and Donald Brennan, 53, have each received a settlement of 2 million cheeseburgers, rather than the $100,000 they were seeking.

The producers of the videos, which depict homeless men doing dangerous stunts as well as participating in fights in return for small amounts of cash, liquor, and/or food insist that they have done nothing illegal. The original lawsuit asked for a monetary remuneration, however the bums agreed to settle for a food payoff.

Their lawyer Jim Jefferson claimed that the settlement was "a victory for the large amount [5] of bums that were taken advantage of by these shameless voyeurs that will do anything for a buck. How can they look their mothers in the eye, when they pander in such filth?"

The defendants' mothers told us they're "so unbelievably proud of our sons! They moved us out of our small houses into larger ones down on Miami Beach. God bless our children!"

The case has provoked controversy throughout the country, with some decrying the producers as taking advantage of poor defenseless bums, as opposed to the hundreds of thousands of viewers that "pissed their pants laughing at those fucking guys."

Even though the monetary value of the settlement is greater than the $100,000 first sought, the defendants were able to obtain a clause stating that they will be able to continue selling the videos from their websites, which should more than offset the money they will spend purchasing the burgers.

Fortunately for the filmmakers, they were able to scam their local McDonald's into accepting the "Wimpy Proposition", in which they would gladly pay them tomorrow for a cheeseburger today. They then skipped town, leaving a Bakersville, CA McDonalds to foot their bill.

Invest: Start Smoking!

Written by Randall Kensington

With the dismal recent performance of major stock markets and spiraling property costs, Scott Albertson is trying a radical new form of investment -- smoking.

Albertson holds up a recent copy of USA Today which reads "Philip Morris Hit With $28 Billion Punitive-Damage Verdict." "Wow," says Albertson, "and that was just for one old woman. That's way better than the lotto." Yup, you guessed it, Scott Albertson is a wanna-be tobacco industry lawsuit filer. "The way I figure it", says Albertson, 28, as he deeply inhales 4 unfiltered cigarettes, "I've got 10, 20, maybe 30 year of [investment smoking] before I go. I'll spend somewhere between $50,000 and $100,000 on cigarettes, but once I get lung cancer I'll be able to sue for hundreds of billions."

Albertson doesn't plan on seeing any of that money; he plans on using the cash settlement for college for his two young sons and for buying his wife Wilma "a real big house and some new breasts." "I'm so proud of him," says Wilma, confiding in me, "Scotty may not be the brightest bulb but he seems to really have this one worked out. I'll sure be glad when that free money starts rolling in."

And he's not the only one. Sylvia X also began smoking recently because of the headline and the lure of billions. "Look, it's more expensive than alcholism, but the potential long-term cash benefits are enormous. The stock market sucks, interest rates suck and the odds of winning lotto are shit. Smoking is a viable long-term investment."

The medical community does not take the issue of suicide smoking lightly. "I'm appalled", says Dr. Deepdish Sanji. "If these people are working on getting cancer, they'll probably ignore their other health problems as well. Translation: Fewer doctor visits, and fewer Mercedes for Dr. Sanji."

Rumor has it that the tobacco industry has embraced such behavior -- and that major tobacco companies are planning a new ad campaign entitled "Invest -- Start Smoking" coupled with a new line of unfiltered, extra-wide, extra-long, extra-addictive "flavor" cigarettes. Tobacco industry bigwigs could not be reached for comment, but Marlboro's spokesperson did comment "Hey, anything that gets people smoking..."

Gore Plans To Run Again: Will Start At Two Miles A Day

After suffering an agonizingly close defeat to current President George W. Bush in the last presidential elections, Al Gore took some time away from politics to be with his family, get back to nature, and blow up like a blimp. He has announced that he plans to return to the public eye, preparing by getting back into shape.

“I’ve been getting a lot of fitness magazines lately, and I’m thinking about reading them, as opposed to using them as donut placemats. I suppose I could go on that thing called the internet, but I don’t really know how to use it that good. Bill used to tell me that he kept in shape by nailing interns, so I could try that, I guess.”

When asked for comment, Clinton immediately said, “I did not tell Al Gore that I had sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.”

Chelsea Clinton was more forthcoming, relating that she understood how hard it is to transform from a model of unattractiveness to something that people might actually consider having sex with. “It’s a hard, long rod, I mean road.” At that point, she excused herself and ran giggling from the room.

Al has hired a personal trainer, his wife Tipper, who has put him on a strict regimen of nutrition and exercise. He is only allowed to eat fast food for 4 of his 6 daily meals. On the fitness side, he had a choice between having sex with her or running. He currently runs two miles a day, finishing in just over an hour. Over the next month, Gore plans to increase his pace to finish in under 45 minutes. Always standing by her man, Tipper walks in front of Al, holding a Big Mac agonizingly close to his outreached fingers.

McDonalds Unveils The McForty

Fast food customers across America rejoiced recently as McDonalds released the newest item in their diverse menu selection. The new drink, "The McForty", has been added to the previous beverage menu, consisting primarily of non-alcoholic drinks. "The addition was clear," explained Frank Robertson from McDonalds public relations, "We've always offered malted shakes, why not malt liquor?"

Fast food experts are divided on their opinion of the McForty. Expert Jim McGillis states: "This is a great day for fast food patrons everywhere. Not only can a customer get cheap, low quality food, they can also get cheap, low quality alcohol. I can't think of a better complement to an artery-clogging Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese than a refreshing, waistline-expanding malt beverage."

Health authority Kelly Killington has a different opinion. "There is no place in McDonalds for alcohol! Not even in the Play Place. This evil liquid being sold alongside Happy Meals for children is an outrage! It's bad enough that the food is extremely unhealthy for Americans, but now they're offering a very dangerous beverage. When will it stop?"

Obviously, McDonalds spokesman Jerry Kinler sides with McGillis. "Today is an important step forward for our corporation. Before our customers had only the option of escaping from their problems momentarily by losing themselves in our savory beef patties with special sauce, and no one even knows what that's made out of. Now we give them the option of avoiding any negative issues in their life for hours at a time. All for a low price, especially if they purchase the extra value meal."

Not surprisingly, Burger King has countered with their own malt liquor beverage, the "Burger King Cobra". Fast food chain Jack in The Box plans to push the envelope even further by offering "Crack in a Box" next month.

Further, all the restaurant chains agree, there is no reason these items should be restricted from the drive through windows.

Arafat Condones, Er, Condemns Terrorism

Written by Brian K. White

After an historic face to face sit down, Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat agreed on demands for peace terms. "It was great," said Arafat in his broken and nearly unintelligible English. "It turns (out) we both (want the) same (thing)." Ariel Sharon's account verifies the claim "We both want to end the bloodshed and have agreed to do so as long as the other withdraws his people into the sea and never returns. This is what we both want!" Allegedly, top peace advocates slipped no less than three hits of ecstasy in to the food and drink of Mr. Arafat, who was quite amiable and offered hugs to the reporters.

"Our people are not so different," reported Sharon while receiving a now-world famous Arafat rub down. "We both wear clothes and use weapons, only theirs are towels and slingshots while ours are Armani and tactical strike helicopters. How did we ever miss that we are brothers? Yes, perhaps brothers who have stolen each others wives and tried to kill one another, but my sweaty friend with the large pupils here has finally understood our intentions."

"I believe" offered Sharon "that the end to this conflict will be prompt. You see, the Palestinians have shown us that ours is a religion of falsehood and mockery and that when we die our souls will be extinguished. If they die they MAY have life everlasting, certainly if they die for the cause. I think by helping them die for their cause we can best insure that all Palestinians may live for eternity in a place where we can not and will not bomb them." After a moments consideration Sharon added "Nor roll through their homes with tanks. It's been fun, no mistake, but it must end." Pausing again he added "And for the last time, no, we didn't kill Jesus."

Following the proposed 10 week genocide mission affectionately called "Operation Martyr Maker" the area formerly inhabited by Palestinians will be transformed into a pastoral garden-like park to commemorate the perhaps dozen Israeli lives lost in the operation. At the conclusion of the press conference, Mr. Arafat seemed confused, asking "Where's the party going?"

Nicorette Gum Now Features Flavor Crystals

In an effort to boost lagging sales, the nicotine replacement product Nicorette Gum announced that the gum will now feature flavor crystals. The idea was originally debuted to rave reviews in the popular chewing gum Icebreakers.

The announcement is being seen as a “fucking great idea” by millions of Americans that are trying to quit smoking. Local quitter Sandra Billus tells us: “Wow, that’s so cool! Now I can not only get that nicotine rush that I crave, but I can probably simulate that feeling of waking up in the morning feeling like a dog shit in my mouth!”

Keith Chadwick, a gas station attendant, has been trying to quit unsuccessfully since the Carter administration. Having tried the patch and the pill, he says that maybe this will provide the extra boost that he needs to quit for good. “I quit for a couple days with the pill, but I couldn’t avoid the temptation for very long. Then I tried the patch, and it was kinda effective, but when you smoke three packs a day, you need a lot of stuff to supplant that craving. It got so bad that I was licking the patches when I changed them, just to get that last little drop of sweet cancerous goodness. I think Nicorette has realized that some of us hard core smokers just need a shit ton of nicotine to get us through the tough first few days without committing mass murder.”

High school students are purchasing the gum, in an attempt to rebel without being too obvious about it. High school junior Jesse Kinner explains, “Billy’s dad saw him smoking and grounded him for 2 weeks or some lame shit. I still want the girls to see me as dangerous, but fuck getting grounded.”

In a telephone survey, it was determined that nearly 95% of people that currently smoke are “trying to quit” or “want to quit eventually”. The other 5% (all under the age of 17) think “it’s the coolest thing ever” and “all the kids are doing it”.

Man Dupes Girlfriend Into Seeing Porn Movie

Keith Randell, a 23 year old temp worker, allegedly fooled his girlfriend into thinking that the movie they were seeing was the Vin Diesel action movie “XXX”. Reports indicate that the movie he brought her to instead was the slightly less popular, “Midgets and Japanese Schoolgirls 14.”

Patricia tells us what happened: “Keith said that he wanted to go see the new Vin Diesel movie. I normally prefer romantic comedies, but I figured that I might be able to show him that I’ll adapt for him. I thought that I could use the episode as a bargaining tool to maybe get him to go down on me once in a while. Just a little tongue action every now and then is all I wanted. Imagine my surprise when the movie started and I see these 3 female midgets going at each other with strap-ons and stuff. It did turn me on just a bit, but don’t tell Keith, OK?”

Keith thinks that Patricia is overreacting by refusing any attempt at sex, refusing to hear his side of the story, and generally “being a humorless bitch.”

Sex expert Dr. Wat Chu Fuk agreed to provide his opinion on the matter. “Keith wanted his girlfriend to join him in watching adult entertainment. This in and of itself is not the problem, but the way he went about it is all wrong. He should have had a frank discussion with Patricia, telling her how he thinks that viewing erotic movies can help to develop their sexual relationship. Also, what the fuck was he thinking? Midgets? He should have picked something more female friendly. Maybe the Pam and Tommy Lee video. I can’t think of any female that wouldn’t like that.”

Keith still can’t believe that his girlfriend fell for a ruse that he thought “had no chance of working”. He explains, “At first I thought that she’d see right through it. I didn’t think that she’d fall for it, but I must admit that it was pretty damn funny. It’s almost worth the entire no sex thing, if she keeps holding out, I got money. Hookers don’t cost that much.”

Patricia is secretly searching for a new boyfriend without Keith’s knowledge, because she wants to “still live there and stuff. Do you really think I want to move back in with my parents?”

Bush Makes Chicken Noises At UN

As the debate continues worldwide over whether or not military action is necessary to rectify the escalating situation with Iraq, United States President George W. Bush gave an impassioned plea to the UN on Friday, astonishing gatherers by flapping his arms and making chicken noises.

“What the hell are they waffling about?”, Bush was heard to murmer to an aide after the speech. "Either they're with us or against us, and I don't want to bomb most of Europe but if I have to in order to insure freedom, then that's a step I have to take." According to sources close to the president, Bush can’t fathom why the UN “are being such pricks about us dropping a few bombs on such an evil man.”

France is one of the few vocal supporters of the United States conducting military action against Iraq, however when asked if they would provide support for the strikes, they responded by saying: “Um…we never said we’d help fight, just that it’s a good idea…we’re not much good at fighting…ok ok, we surrender, just let us keep Paris.”

For those that don’t know, The United Nations was founded in 1945 as a way for allied troops to pledge their support for the effort against the Axis Powers. Throughout the years, the organization has evolved into an entity that votes on “resolutions”, which are defined as “stuff that we talk big about, but don’t actually do shit about”. The UN is also a leader in “fucking up sound foreign policy”.

Bush, who at the end of his speech was growing more and more exasperated, finally offered this: “All right fine. If you don’t vote to support an Allied military incursion into Iraq, America will not allow any of Shakira’s videos to be seen in any country outside the United States. I know it’s a drastic step, but you’re making me do it.”

After several seconds of heated debate, the council unanimously passed Bush’s regulation. The President celebrated by spending time with his daughters at a local NYC bar.

Jerry Falwell: "Masturbation Is Murder"

In a news conference Monday, noted religious leader Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the act of masturbation violates the 6th Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”. In his prepared statement, the Reverend Falwell declared: “Every time a person ejaculates from masturbation, millions of sperm cells are released, each one representing a possible human life. Hence, one act of self gratification is the equivalent of over a million counts of murder!” After making his statement, Rev. Falwell opened the floor to questions from the gathered throng of reporters. Here is an excerpt:

Jerry Miller: New York Times – “Rev. Falwell, does this statement hold true to females that masturbate?

Rev. Falwell – “It is my understanding that women do not masturbate. Now I cannot say that I have knowledge of the female ‘naughty region’, as I call it, so I’m not qualified to answer your question, but I will anyway. It is murder!

Jim Lewis: San Francisco Examiner – “So can you honestly say that you’ve never masturbated?”

Rev. Falwell – “Before I heard the call of the Lord, I did indulge in this sinful and impure act on a few isolated occasions. But Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior has cleansed my soul of all transgressions! Praise be to God!”

Shelley Walters: Chicago Union Tribune – “If a woman performs the act of masturbation on a man, like a handjob, should she be considered an accessory to the crime, or the actual perpetrator?”

Rev. Falwell – “I would consider both of them to be guilty in the eyes of our Lord. In all of these cases, there is no degree of guilt, no “gray areas” if you will. They are sinners, and they will burn in hell for the rest of time! They must repent! Turn away from their sinful behavior, and our Lord will accept them with open arms!”

Jeremy Killington: Jacksonville Gazette – “What about the process of nocturnal emissions, also known as wet dreams? You can’t really blame someone for something beyond their control, can you?”

Rev. Falwell – “Well, if there are no more questions, thank you for your time. God bless you all.”

In an attempt to help teenagers avoid the temptation to masturbate, Falwell has funded a program to have sheets of sandpaper implanted into their hands. This way, the act will become something painful and undesirable, and after a period of time the implants can be removed, with no danger of the subject ever wanting to play with themselves again. The Reverend estimates that if his procedures are implemented, our country could be masturbation-free in less than three years.

Kournikova Almost Beats Some Chick

Tennis fans and perverts around the world rejoiced as Anna Kournikova missed capturing her first WTA singles championship by a mere 44 points Sunday. Showing her incredible skill by reaching her fourth final in only 115 tournaments, the 21 year old Russian was not quite able to muster the skill needed to win the tournament, although she was able to cause erections in 95% of the men watching the match, which provided some consolation. “I couldn’t hit the ball very well today, although I noticed that the chair official was pitching a tent, so I guess I did OK,” said Kournikova.

Her opponent in the match was an Israeli named Smashmouth or something. Anyway, Kournikova looked amazing today in her blue, white and yellow outfit, strategically cut to reveal tasty peeks of bare, tanned, supple skin beneath.

Kournikova had more to say about her near victory: “I was nervous today, since so many people were watching me. I’m not used to so many people staring at me.” She then began licking the microphone, causing 30 heart attacks in the press room.

Oh yeah, the other chick said some stuff too, but we ran out of room.

Man Has Sex For More Than 30 Seconds, Girlfriend Amazed

Last night Bill Jenkis and his girlfriend had sex. That in itself wouldn't be newsworthy, however the act lasted for almost 45 seconds, shattering his former endurance record by 20 seconds. His girlfriend Sally couldn't believe what happened: "It was really unusual, I actually had this warm sensation that felt really good. At first I thought something was wrong, cause that had never happened before, but then I realized that it was what all my girlfriends were telling me about. Maybe this sex thing has something to it after all."

Afterwards Bill was bragging to all his friends about his accomplishment. Best friend Luke agreed to talk to us about the event. "So he comes walking into my room with this huge smile on his face, and he tells me that he thinks he gave Sally an orgasm. I was like 'Dude, once you can make it last longer than one commercial break, then come talk to me.' He's been walking around like he's the shit now, I don't have the heart to tell him that his stamina is really pathetic."

Bill actually called us and leaked the story, forced us to interview him, and blabbed all about his conquest. "Man, it was awesome! I knew that it was going to be a special night when I didn't feel like I was going to shoot before I even got it out of my pants. People make fun of me for that one time I experienced premature ejaculation, but that's totally normal. It was in that movie with the kid that banged the pie, remember? And he's a totally huge movie star, so if it can happen to him, why should I be ashamed that it happened to me?"

According to sources, the longevity of the intercourse last night was due to a series of actions taken by Sally in the vain hopes of experiencing the same pleasure that Bill apparently accomplished each time they had bumped uglies in the past. "I made him wear two condoms so he wouldn't be so sensitive. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I told him that I just wanted to be extra careful, so he doesn't knock me up. That's just what I need to bring into this world, right? Another small dicked kid that can't hold his own for over a minute." She also left the television on, tuned to SportsCenter, so Bill could concentrate on something else. In the future, she plans to lengthen the process by spraying Chloroseptic on his penis, to further dull the sensation.

Net Pervs Excited About Possibility Of Pornster

The announcement Monday that Private Media, Inc. – a pornography company – has offered to purchase the Napster name and web site address for a reported 3 million dollars has had a whirlwind effect on the worlds pornography consumers.

The company apparently plans to use the notoriety of the Napster brand name, as well as a web address that practically every internet user from teenagers to thirty-somethings have hard wired into their internet browsers. According to experts, the Napster name is as recognizable as “Yahoo”, “Google”, and “Horny College Barely Legal Freshman Get Nekkid”.

Napster was extremely popular for providing a central location where internet users could exchange music files with each other. The only drawback was that the users didn’t actually pay for the material, which the music industry argued violated copyright laws and robbed their artists of royalties, which forced several artists such as Metallica to forego lining their tour busses with solid gold. The heavy metal band was instead forced to go with cheaper silver lining, which though still ostentatious, didn’t really achieve the whole “we have way more money than you” motif the band was going for.

In an amazing display of irony, Sean “Puff Daddy Diddy Do” Combs spoke out against Napster stealing royalties. Mr. Combs has been know in the past to “sample” (steal) older songs, only to ruin them by rapping over the music. Several years ago, a group of rabid Led Zeppelin fans attempted to kill Combs, allegedly for forever tainting the song “Kashmir”.

Online porn connoisseurs are extremely excited about this possible new breakthrough in pornography sharing. One college student agreed to speak with us, on the condition that we not mention his name or university: “Well first of all, my name is Jared Ocampo from the University of Tennesee, could you please not write that, my parents might read this. Anyway, this will revolutionize the porn finding process in a degree that people can’t even fathom now. With it being so much easier to share high quality adult pictures and celebrity fakes, I’ll have so much more time on my hands. I guess I’ll probably masturbate more, maybe increasing my average to 15 times a day.”

Private Media Inc. will take no responsibility for young teenage girls attempting to find the latest Britney Spears song on www.napster.com, only to be visually assaulted by lewd acts. The company explains, saying “Britney Spears, Porn, What’s the difference?” In an unrelated add-on, Private Media Inc. expects to add Ms. Spears to their list of “actresses” in “oh…about 3 months.”

Billion Dollar Study: Sex Leading Cause Of Pregnancy

Scientists at the Federal Department of Wasting Taxpayer Money released the findings of a year long, billion dollar study on human pregnancy. According to the results of the study, if a human being wants to get pregnant, good old fashioned sexual intercourse is the way to do it. The chance of becoming pregnant is exponentially higher if the person wishing to become pregnant is a female, according to the study.

Lead scientist Dr. Jarin Killikippi is excited about the findings: “This study represents a bold step forward in scientific research, namely that we can get a grant for just about anything! Who knows how much more money we can waste on pointless research?”

The Senate Oversight Committee is being asked to investigate the fund allocation for the pregnancy study. The scientists insist that it’s just a coincidence that they all recently bought large beach houses and sports cars. “That is insulting to us as professionals, and as human beings,” says Killikippi. “We double checked our financial numbers to make sure that the required 2% of the budget allocated went to the research itself.”

The complete findings of the study can be viewed at the departments website, www.fdwtm.gov, for a fee of $25 per minute of viewing time. According to the study, throughout history 99.96 percent of all human pregnancies have occurred in females who have had sexual intercourse in the last year. .003999999% of pregnancies occurred by the recent method of in vitro fertilization with .0000000000000000000000000001% of pregnancies coming by immaculate conception of the Holy Spirit. The only case of male pregnancy in humans was reported by an Austrain bodybuilder.

The team of scientists are busy deciding what their next study is going to be. Early ideas are; “Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?”, “Dogs: Man’s Best Friend?”, or “Understanding Women.” However, odds are the third study will not be conducted, as the budget would reportedly be around $500B, with a timetable of several decades, and the chance that an answer may never be reached.

Intern Accidentally Deletes The Internet

Julia Walters, a 19 year old intern at Johnson & Kelter Law Firm was brutally beaten to death by co-workers yesterday, after she deleted the internet while trying to print a document. Police were aghast at the horrific scene that they encountered upon their arrival, with one officer calling it “the most ghastly crime scene I’ve ever witnessed.” When company employees quickly told the officers what Miss Walters had done, the atmosphere quickly changed, as the men in blue “looked away” so her outraged co-workers could get a few last good kicks in.

“She erased the fucking internet! Now what the hell am I going to do at work?” J&K employee Jonathan Frampton shouted hysterically. “The only reason I can make it through the workday without going psycho is the ability to check out anime porn and the latest news on the new Pokemon Movie! Now I actually have to work? Fuck that!” Frampton then unleashed a blood-curdling roar and leapt out his 30th floor window.

Police have announced that they will not bring any charges against the 25 or so men and women that participated in the homicide and subsequent mutilation. “Where are we going to find 12 jurors that will convict these people? They’re heroes if you ask me”, stated a spokesperson for the Detroit district attorney’s office.

Julia’s parents were not surprised to hear of the tragic demise of their daughter. Mother Jill explains: “Julia’s always been kind of awkward, the kind of girl that would mess things up all the time, never on purpose mind you, but she was always fucking something up.” Jill then recalled the time that Julia found her mother’s diaphragm and poked a tiny hole in it, directly leading to the existence of her 15 year old brother Kyle.

Kyle agreed to speak with us, sharing this about his older sister: “So THAT’S why they always called me ‘oops’... Interesting... Oh yeah, Julia. One time she ‘accidentally’ erased the Playboy channel from our TV, boy was I pissed about that.”

Other companies in the area are conducting fundraisers, hoping to raise enough money to purchase a new copy of the internet for the law firm. Unfortunately, nobody has found out how much a new internet costs.

Couple Finds Profanity To Be Useful Argument Tool

Ed and Kathleen Thomas are just like many other couples. They are in love, they have a young daughter and a pet dog. Also, just like almost any other couple, they have their share of disagreements. Luckily for Ed and Kathleen, they recently stumbled upon the idea of incorporating profanity into their arguing repertoire to illustrate how strongly they feel about a certain point. Ed explains:

“It’s not like we’re really mad at each other. Well sometimes we are, but we always make up. For a while, I had to attempt to make my point over and over because I wasn’t being forceful enough. Now, when I say ‘Shut the fuck up, bitch. I’m trying to say something here for fuck’s sake’ I know that I have her complete attention. Sometimes I have to dodge plates though.”

Kathleen has found profanity to be her most important weapon in the battle to inform Ed about the way she feels about certain subjects, such as his drinking out of the milk carton, or leaving his copy of “Anal Avenger 4” in the VCR where their daughter might mistake it for a new Barney tape.

“I used to use different techniques, such as withholding sexual activity or employing the silent treatment when he pissed me off, but now I just let loose with gross vulgarity. It saves a lot of time and helps us understand exactly how the other person feels. Imagine trying to explain a point such as: ‘Goddamit Ed! General fucking Hospital is on TV right now, and I have a fucking headache the size of your ass, so stop trying to fuck me!’ without using foul language. You can’t do it, can you? I didn’t fucking think so.”

The couple has taken to hanging out down at the mall near local youth to try to learn the latest in vulgar language. According to Ed, it’s difficult to keep abreast of the ever-changing slang profanities. “Sometimes these kids will call each other things that I’ve never heard of, although I’m always excited to find out what words like choad mean. I just have to be careful who I use this technique around. My boss didn’t very much like it when I told him to go blow a donkey the other day. I’m sure I’ll find a new job soon though.”

Jesus Christ Changes Liquor To Water

Every year there are many claims of miraculous events that occur throughout the world. People claim to have seen visions of the Virgin Mary or Jesus Christ in many strange places. Accounts of visions on walls, in food, and even in dirty bathroom sinks are well documented. Here in the small town of Bakersville, California, a miracle has occurred that has made believers out of even the most hardened atheists.

The miracle reportedly occurred sometime between 4:00 PM Friday, and 1:00 PM Sunday of last week. Bill and Rhonda Jenkins had departed for a weekend at Cape Cod, and left their seventeen year old son Brian home to watch the house. According to their statement, they left strict orders that there were to be no parties while they were gone.

When the Jenkins returned home from their trip, what they witnessed was shocking, to say the least. The house was in shambles, and Brian was laying on the floor in a daze, along with many of his friends. “We didn’t quite know what to think,” said Rhonda. “My first reaction as a mother was to make sure the kids were all right. I’ve never seen Brian quite like this before. When I was finally able to snap him out of his daze, he held his head and began babbling incoherently. All I could make out was, ‘Oh my God.’ I had this feeling that he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was.”

The message that Brian was trying to communicate was not to become clear until after the house had been cleaned up. Mr. Jenkins went to fix himself a drink from the liquor cabinet in their basement. Only then did the truly miraculous events that occurred at their house became apparent. Bill told us what happened: “I went downstairs to make myself a vodka and tonic. When I opened up the bottle of vodka, I didn’t notice the usual aroma coming from the bottle. I thought that was strange, but then I took a drink.” Bill realized with a start that the bottle was not filled with liquor, but with water!

Clearly shaken, but not stirred, Bill opened another bottle, this time Jack Daniel’s bourbon. To his astonishment, that bottle was also filled with water. Further investigation revealed that every single bottle in the cabinet was filled with water.

When Bill told Rhonda his discovery, she immediately realized what had transpired. “I grew up a practicing Catholic, so it wasn’t too hard to figure out. I remembered a story in the Bible in which Jesus changed water into wine. When I remembered Brian’s words earlier, ‘Oh my God’, I was able to piece the puzzle together.”

When asked if there could be another possible explanation, Rhonda was quick to dismiss the theory. “Everyone is too skeptical nowadays. People can’t believe that a miracle occurred, even when the evidence is staring them in the face. Someone was even so rude as to insinuate that my son and his friends must have drank the liquor. That’s impossible, my husband and I have clearly marked lines on all the bottles to ensure that our son won’t bow to peer pressure. The level of water in the bottles was exactly at the line in each case.”

The only question left unresolved was why Brian’s friends were also at the house. However, Brian has the answer. “See, we were all on our way to go see a movie, and um...we needed to stop at my house for my wallet...yeah, my wallet. I don’t remember anything between that time and my mom waking me up on Sunday. I must have gone unconscious when Jesus came down from heaven and changed the liquor to water. Yeah, that’s what must have happened.”

Many local clergy members have embraced the miracle as a sign that God wants to make his presence felt in a time where sex and violence rule the airwaves. Area priest Father Jim McGaffney believes that this is a true act of God. “There’s no doubt about it, it’s a miracle all right. The fact that Brian passed out at the awesome sight of our Lord and Savior is the detail that really clinches it for me.”

Bill and Rhonda are excited about the fact that they are now only two more miracles away from sainthood. “We don’t want to get our hopes up, but we feel that with one miracle under our belt, we now have the inside track on all our friends,” said Bill. They are not letting the fame go to their heads, even with the media attention. The family will appear on Oprah in two weeks and will be featured in the Catholic Church’s upcoming “Got Miracle?” ad campaign.

Brian tells us that the attention is not a big deal. “Everyone knows who I am now, which is pretty cool. It’s kind of annoying when everyone asks me to autograph their bibles though.” Brian’s plans for the future include a “Jesus Party” in three weeks when his parents go to the Eagles concert. More immediate plans include helping his girlfriend Mary see God on Friday night.

Man Feels Need To Clarify That Friend From San Francisco Is "Not Gay"

According to his friends, Justin Blake, a 22 year old temp from Sacramento, is a normal guy except for one strange quirk. Everytime he brings up his friend Steve, a high school buddy, he feels the need to quickly add "he's not gay" immediately after saying that Steve lives in San Francisco.

"It's the strangest thing," says friend Keith Potter. "I mean, I think he's homophobic. Evidently, he doesn't want any of us to think that, heaven forbid, he has a friend that's gay."

When asked for comment, Justin said that he is not a homophobe. "I don't know why I do it, I guess. It's not something that I say on purpose, it just kind of comes out. I guess when I think of San Francisco, I think of gay people. It's the whole stereotype thing I'm definitely not homophobic, I have a lot of friends that are gay."

When asked how many friend Justin has that are gay, he appeared indecisive. "Well, for starters, there's um...Jimmy...we worked at McDonalds together...and um....there's....um....oh yeah! My good friend Kenny's brother's roommate is gay. He's come over a couple of times, and I definitely consider him a friend.

We spoke with Justin's "not gay" friend Steve by telephone, and he definitely added an interesting twist to the story. "Justin Blake? hmmm...oh, you're talking about that guy that sat next to me in Trig class. I wouldn't go so far as to call him a friend, maybe more of an acquaintance. He forwards me some annoying emails from time to time, you know the ones that I've already gotten about 20 times already."

Upon hearing of the reason that we were calling, Steve surprised us by saying, "Well the funny thing about that, is I actually am gay. I came out right after high school, before I moved to San Francisco. The reason I live here is because the best job offer I got out of school was at a company here. It's not like I was thinking 'man, since I'm gay, let me move where all the gay people are.'"

We called Keith back and told him what we had found out. "Wow, not if that's not ironic, I don't know what is. I don't think I'll tell Justin though, It would totally rock his world."

An interesting aside to the story is that 99% of the time Justin talks about "his friend from San Francisco, who's not gay" a listener immediately says "not that there's anything wrong with that," a line from the popular comedy series Seinfeld.

"Who Wants To Have Enormous Breasts" To Be Added To Fox Schedule

This classic TFN story was originally published sometime in 2002:

The programming geniuses at Fox look like they will have another breakout hit on their hands with the new game show "Who Wants To Have Enormous Breasts?" The show is set to premiere at 9:00 pm on Tuesdays in the Fall Season. The show is from the same production team responsible for "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?", the game show that was extremely popular for a season, before the viewing public realized that they really couldn't stand Regis Philbin.

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A group of 10 women per episode are pitted against each other in a battle of brains, beauty, and sheer desperation. The woman that is judged the winner is awarded the grand prize of a free breast enlargement procedure performed by acclaimed plastic surgeon Dr. James Raque. Dr. Raque refused to charge the show for the procedures, in exchange for being allowed to keep copies of the "After" pictures for his own personal use. Unlike the Philbin hosted show, this new show guarantees that there will be a grand prize winner every show.

The show will be a mixture of trivia questions, along with a beauty contest. The final score for each contestant will be calculated using the formula of: Brains - 5%, Beauty - 95%. The contests will first be asked to answer a series of questions in the knowledge portion, which lasts for 5 minutes. Sample questions are: "Who is the current President of the United States?", and "What is the name of the street that you live on?" There will also be visual questions, such as: "What are the two colors on this stop sign?", and "Is this man wearing a dress or a suit?". The last question was actually a trick question, since the picture was of Dennis Rodman.

School Bans Paper From Area Schools

It was a decisive 15-0 vote by the Guilford School Board that ended the use of paper in town schools. The vote was brought about by a recent rash of paper related injuries this past month. According to unofficial statistics, at least eight students at Guilford High School have missed portions of class due to paper injuries, mostly paper cuts.

School nurse Jane Riley talked to us about the paper cut epidemic. "It almost always happens the same way. Someone takes the dangerous side of paper too lightly and they get what they deserve. Don't get me wrong, I've been safely using paper for over thirty years, but if you play with fire, you're going to get burned."

When the misuse of paper was first brought to light, many in town were concerned. Guilford High School parent Chris Lowe said that he was worried for his seventeen year old daughter's safety. "I was scared to send Jen to school. I mean guns and knives are bad, but paper is so scary because nobody sees the possibility of violence."