It's been a while

Man, it's been a while since I wrote something in here. Glad that it's the end of the week and am really looking forward to the long weekend. Mrs. Wellington and I (that hot piece of ass!) are going to a Padres game tomorrow night and to the fair on Saturday. Last time I went to a Padres game I almost caught a foul ball, but ended up almost breaking my hands. And I lost the ball. Bastards.

Mrs. Wellington and I recently got an old school NES off of E-bay. It's a good thing that I say those commercials on television that showed me, in a fun and musical way, how to use E-Bay. Ya Know, "Do you know the way to use E-bay...."? Anyway, Super Mario Bros 3 is just as much fun as I remember it. Although I still have to pick up Blades of Steel, that's one of my favorite old school games.

I've been trying to listen to less politics lately, it just depresses me what this country is turning into. Most people that say that are talking about our current administration, but while I'm not exactly enamored with all their policies, the other side of the political aisle pisses me off more.

As much as this probably sounds horrible, why the hell is there all this news coverage of the missing girl in Aruba. Yes, I'm sorry she's most likely dead. Yes, I'm sorry her family is upset that she's gone. But there are worse things in the world going on, and definitely more important. There's thousands of people that go missing every day, why is she so special that she gets all these news stories? It's just like Laci Peterson and Lori Hacking. Hmmmmm...Laci.....Lori....if she's still alive, Lana Turner better watch the fuck out!

And don't even get me started on that Runaway Bride woman. I prefer to call her the Runaway Felon. I'm not sure if what she did is technically considered a Felony, but it sounds much better than calling her the Runaway Misdemeanor-committing person. I don't know who upset me more in the "big exclusive interview": Her, her husband, or Katie "I'm starting to look like Skeletor" Couric, who I'm surprised didn't find a way to bring up prostate cancer in the interview. The chick is obviously whacked out. Her husband is an idiot for staying with such an obviously insane person. And Katie Couric is possibly the worst interviewer of all time.

"Why did you run away?" Right here, any halfway mediocre interviewer would stop and let her...I don't know, maybe...answer the question??? But no, Katie gives her an easy way to answer the question by describing 18 possible answers and then, after the commercial break, let's Psycho woman say "Yes, that's what I was thinking."

I gotta run, later!

Coors Whores

So I go to my local liquor store yesterday. They have this promotion where it's a Coors Light bonanza. They have these two chicks in very revealing clothing, one at the front of the store, one at the back. They are offering specials on Coors Light. Now, here's the interesting part, when I'm drinking domestic beer, I prefer Coors Light to Bud or Miller, so I'm not totally against Coors. However, I was interested in trying out the new Samuel Adams Light, which I'd heard was quite good.

So the first girl tells me that they have a special on Coors Light beer, etc. I say that I'm not interested. She starts to follow me, but then stops and stays near the front of the store. The next one is standing near the back. I thought about getting Bud Light just to fuck with her, but she started up early.

Coors Whore: "I know you want to get some Coors Light"
Me: "No, not really.
CW: "It's really good and you can get 2 dollars off an 18 pack"
Me: "That's OK, thank you."
CW: "So what kind of beer are you going to get"
Me: "My purchasing habits are none of your business."
CW: "Well why don't you get Coors Light?"
Me: "......"
CW: "Thanks for ignoring me"
Me: "Thanks for harrassing me"

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Larry David is going through on Curb Your Enthusiasm....

What the fuck happened to Lindsay Lohan?

I don't think any celebrity has as rapidly gone from very attractive to horribly disgusting in as short a period of time as Lindsay Lohan. One minute, she's a curvy, hot young actress. Now, she looks like a younger version of Maria Shriver, AKA Skeletor. There has to be some kind of petition to sign or protest to attend. Maybe a telethon? Send in donations to buy Lindsay a sandwich?

Hey everyone

Hey everyone. You might know me from my former website The Fake News. It's still up as an archive at www.thefakenews.com. Jimmy Wellington is not my real name, but I prefer to post under my pen name so I can say whatever I want.

My first post is about reality shows. I personally HATE reality shows. American Idol isn't that bad, since Carrie Underwood is a hot piece of ass. And she can sing good too. But other reality shows drive me crazy, which is weird because Mrs. Wellington is a big fan of the genre. So I have to tolerate most of them. There have been a few that I'm just like, no way. Turn that shit off. I forget exactly which ones, but there was one about rich fuck's "sweet 16 party" on MTV. It was excruciating.

Then on The Amazing Race, this one woman said what perhaps has been the stupidest comment ever. Her boyfriend was a POW and she said something along the lines of...

"You always seem to get out of commitment. You got out of the Army."
"How so?"
"By being a POW"

If that was my girlfriend I would have stopped the car and forcibly removed her from the car and from my life. What a bitch!

That's about it for now. Later.

American School Shooters Still Not as Efficient as Rest of World

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignright" width="250" caption="Is this the face of a killer? Yeah, I guess so"][/caption]

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Last Monday, a Minnesota student went on a killing spree in his high school, killing 9 and injuring 15. While he had a higher kill rate than the Columbine duo (13 killed between the two of them), politicians claim that American school shooters still lag behind the rest of the world.




In 2002, a German student killed 17 others before taking his own life. In 2001, 2 Kenyan student killed 67 students by setting a fire. Later in 2001, a 37 year old man killed 8 students with knives and injured 13 others in a Japanese school.

Americans Relieved Tsunami All Taken Care Of

Written by Jimmy Wellington

According to a poll conducted by The Fake News, the tsunami disaster that was all over the news several weeks ago has been erased from the public's mind. In its place are such important news items as Michael Jackson's trial, the American Idol competition, and Paris Hilton's cell phone getting hacked.

[caption id="attachment_128" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark!"][/caption]

"Man, isn't it crazy that all this bad stuff keeps happening to that wonderful Paris Hilton?", said American housewife Christy Jennings. "First her home video gets stolen, now people are trying to get at her personal naked photos and phone numbers? If they don't stop whoever's responsible, soon the nude pictures and celebrity contacts I keep on my cell phone will be all over the internet!"

Olympic Search Committee Leaves New York: Homeless People, Knicks Allowed to Return

Written by Jake Novak

After a week of putting its best foot forward for the 2012 Summer Games Olympic Search Committee, New York City is letting its guard down and allowing its more embarrassing elements, like homeless people and the Knicks, to return.

[caption id="attachment_472" align="alignright" width="350" caption="Maybe we can pawn the rings for crack!"][/caption]

"Well, we didn't want the IOC to see a bunch of bums on the streets, and we also didn't want them to notice the homeless people either," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a news conference after leaving the Olympic search team off at JFK Airport. "And it's a good thing the Oscars are this weekend, because that helped most of our abusive celebrities decide to spend the whole week in L.A.," he added.

City Hall officials admitted to a well-planned effort to get the homeless and the Knicks players out of the search committee's view.

"Well, with the homeless we just gave them all a bottle of malt liquor and bus ticket to Scranton. The Knicks were a little trickier, until we found out we could get them to scatter simply by telling them they were all about to be served with paternity suits," said Deputy Mayor Dan Doctoroff. "Man, you should have seen those players run like hell when we brought that lawyer into the locker room."

But there appears to be some long-term planning as well, according to WCBS-TV political reporter Andrew Kirtzman.

"This wasn't all last-minute. First, the city was careful to invite the IOC to come only on the days of the week when Rosie O'Donnell is usually getting or recovering from liposuction. Second, they did it in the dead of winter when the Mets are safely down in Florida," said Kirtzman.

But the city is hoping there will be no hard feelings, and has already welcomed many of its temporary exiles back home.

"Last night, we let the Knicks back into Madison Square Garden and we arranged hotel rooms for twice the number of ho's they usually bring into midtown on a week night," Bloomberg said. "And as for the homeless, we're just letting them roam free on Staten Island. After a few days, their smell will be indiscernible from everything else over there," he explained.

The IOC will make its decision about the 2012 Summer Games site later this year.

Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

[caption id="attachment_184" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet "][/caption]









“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.

FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Last year, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the hands of Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show created an outrage among families nation wide. Most were enraged that Jackson's breast was shown on national television for a fraction of a second, while others were just shocked that a member of the Jackson family was asked to play at the halftime show.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="275" caption="Your FCC approved halftime show"][/caption]

This year, organizers have decided to go with a "safer" act by having former Beatles member Paul McCartney perform.

The FCC (Fascist Communists Commission) does not think that simply having a family friendly artist perform is enough of a guarantee that children will not catch a flash of a nipple, a sight that would normally involve the child lifting up their own shirt in front of a mirror or other reflective object.

Paul McCartney will be required to have a metal codpiece sewn to the inside of his pants. The pants will then be surgically sutured to his thighs, to ensure minimum chance of a body part being exposed. The FCC has reluctantly allowed McCartney to flash the piece sign, but only a maximum of three times. The reasoning for this is that of course the sign could be interpreted as "the finger" by viewers with poor vision.

(Ed. Note: The FCC has ordered The Fake News to change the phrase "viewers with poor vision" from the last paragraph to "viewers whose lack of optimal vision is made up by their other contributions to society" or face a fine of $10,000.)

In a related story, Levitra will be allowed to advertise during the Super Bowl again, since explaining "erectile disfunction" or "6 hour erection" is nowhere near as awkward for a parent as explaining that women have nipples.

When reached for comment, Paul McCartney was upset, since he was hoping to unveil his new silver penis shield.

Second Wave of Horror Hits Southeast Asia as Hollywood Stars Arrive

Written by Jake Novak

Just as it seemed things couldn't get much worse for the hundreds of thousands of tsunami victims, dozens of Hollywood celebrities have arrived in the region to "help" with the relief efforts.

[caption id="attachment_172" align="alignright" width="224" caption="Jerry's let himself go!"][/caption]



"Well you know, I just came down here to see what I could do, maybe get a few cameras on me again," said aging former star Sylvester Stallone.

"To get noticed it was either come here or go on 'The Surreal World.' But being a life-time bed-wetter, that show really wouldn't do much for me!"




Jerry Lewis arrived in Indonesia Thursday, ready with some much-needed wisecracks for the seriously injured and dying.

One Hot White Chick Injured in Tsunami Disasters (200,000 Asians Killed Too)

Written by Jake Novak

World reaction continues to pour in as relief efforts to help supermodel Petra Nemcova are increasing day by day. Meanwhile, officials say the fact that 200,000 non-supermodels were killed in the tsunami disaster is a tragedy too... but shouldn't take anything away from the fact that a super-fine White chick isn't feeling too well right now.




"There is so much we all want to do for Petra right now, because she is so hot and White and not one of the faceless, nameless little people who you usually see in this part of the world," said Betsy Mitchell, fund development co-coordinator for the Red Cross.

"Female Viagra" Convinces Women that Men Will Call Them

Written by Jake Novak After several drug companies failed to produce a pill that can increase female libido, the pharmaceutical industry has changed tactics by introducing a new line of psychoactive drugs that won't boost a woman's sex drive, but will have the same ultimate effect.




"Many women either hold back during intercourse or forego sex completely out of fear their male partner doesn't respect them or doesn't want to pursue a real relationship," said Doctor Martha Voorhees of Novartis . "However, our new drug 'Esteemcylcin' will make any woman feel like they're sleeping with the sensitive new-age guy of their dreams."

Liza Minnelli Tapped to Replace Suha Arafat as Fat, Drunken Palestinian First Lady

Written by Jake Novak

Now that Suha Arafat is out of the picture, Palestinian leaders have quickly moved to replace her as their nation's First Lady by quickly arranging a marriage between Liza Minnelli and new PLO Chairman, Mahmoud Abbas.

[caption id="attachment_176" align="alignright" width="300" caption="My eyes!"][/caption]






"Suha was a light to our people, a representative of the women's cause, but luckily, we have Ms. Minnelli to take her place as an overweight broad who's quick-to-anger," said Palestinian spokesman Saeb Erakat.

Experts on the Arab-Israeli conflict believe Minnelli will fill Arafat's role admirably.

"Well, she's fat and just as unattractive as Suha ever was, and she's got a violent temper, which believe me, you need to succeed in the Arab world these days," said New York Times columnist and Middle East scholar Thomas Friedman. "In fact, if she would just save her most violent fits for Israelis and Americans rather than her husbands and bodyguards, she'd be a major hit!" he added.

Dolly Parton's Planned Breast Reduction Surgery Prompts Red State Crisis

Written by Jake Novak

Country icon Dolly Parton's plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation's Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.

[caption id="attachment_427" align="alignright" width="261" caption="These boobs were made for ogling"][/caption]

"This is way worse than stem cell research," said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, "I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now."

Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.

"We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway," said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, "you can bet I'll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this."

Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16's on alert.

"They'll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President's order," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.

Meanwhile, administration critics are having a field day.

"This just goes to show how the President has failed even his core supporters at a key moment," said New York Times editorial columnist Paul Krugman.

Jeb Bush Keeps Up Legal Fight to Keep Severely Brain-Damaged Brother in White House

Written by Jake Novak

In a story eerily similar to the Terry Schiavo case, Florida Governor Jeb Bush is vowing to continue his legal fight to keep his brother President for another four years.

[caption id="attachment_133" align="alignright" width="345" caption="Man, the whole family's in on this!"][/caption]

"George W. is severely brain-damaged, we all know that, but our family's hold on the White House is precious and God-given, which we know since it sure wasn't given to us by the voters," said Governor Bush while ignoring thousands of newly-homeless Floridians trying to stave off another hurricane. "We cannot know if my brother will someday come out of this semi-coma and start enacting responsible policy. While we wait, it is not for us to commit electoral euthanasia," he insisted.

Bush Promises “No Negative Advertising Against John Edwards and His Fatass Wife”

Written by Jimmy Wellington

With campaign season heating up, both parties are running advertising in key states that both support their candidacy for the White House, and attack their opponents. However, thus far in our nation, there is a line of decency that neither side have crossed, and President Bush promises that tradition will continue.




“I promise that I will not target John Edward’s fat ass wife in any of our advertisements. I will not call attention to the Democratic strategists’ borrowing of the Lane Bryant ‘Kirstie Alley’ plan, by hiding Elizabeth Edwards behind strategically placed pillows, tables, and tractor trailers.”, the President said Wednesday.

Armed Robbers Steal Priceless Finger Painting "The Doggie" From Unguarded Refrigerator

Written by Jimmy Wellington

(Milford, CT) - Residents of Milford, CT are fearful after a brazen daylight heist of priceless finger paintings from a local kitchen. Eyewitnesses said they saw two armed men running away from the scene shortly after the robbery was reported.




Five year old finger painting prodigy Michael Wallace donated the paintings to his family refrigerator last week, and people have been coming from as far away as three blocks over to admire his precocious talent.

"He's just so talented, that boy is," says 85 year old neighbor Laura Wilkerson. "He comes over once a week and gives me a new painting. I give him a Werther's Original and a quarter. I think it's obvious who's making out in that deal."

Pinocchio Becomes Real Boy, Sues Michael Jackson

Editor's Note: This classic story was originally published in August 2004

Written by Jake Novak

(Rome, Italy) Achieving a life-long dream, the wooden puppet Pinocchio turned into a true flesh and blood boy today and immediately announced his intentions to sue pop star Michael Jackson for molestation.

[caption id="attachment_262" align="alignright" width="218" caption="Tell me lies, puppet!"][/caption]

"Now that I'm a real boy, I can finally get some recourse for the years of abuse I've suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson," said a tearful Pinocchio at a news conference arranged outside his home in a quiet section of Rome. "Maybe my suffering will help stop other boys, both real and puppet, from being hurt by a man who hides behind his fame," he added.

Pinocchio's lawyers offered reporters detailed information about the alleged abuse.

"Mister Jackson lured Pinocchio to the Neverland Ranch with promises of candy and amusement park rides, but things rapidly deteriorated from there. In fact, we have evidence that Mister Jackson intentionally encouraged Pinocchio to lie so his nose would grow longer... something that was used for a myriad of vile sexual reasons," said Raul Felder, a civil lawyer working with the plaintiff.

Court's Annulment of Gay Marriages Frees Wife of Rosie O'Donnell

Written by Jake Novak

(San Francisco, CA) - The California State Supreme Court's decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O'Donnell.

[caption id="attachment_297" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Help!"][/caption]

"Oh screw the fight for gay rights, if it could get me away from that loud-mouthed fat bitch, I'd vote for Jerry Falwell" said a jubilant Carpenter outside the New York City townhouse she shared with O'Donnell and their four adopted children. "I mean when we first met, I I thought she was kind of cute in a butch sort of way, and she bought me everything I ever wanted, but there's butch and then there's BUTCH. I'm a lesbian, but if I wanted to sleep with a Mack Truck, I would have stuck with my first boyfriend from 8th grade," she added.

Friends of the couple say Carpenter had been trying to get away from O'Donnell for years, but the failed talk show host and movie actress kept dragging her across the world on gay cruises and trips to political rallies.

"The time just never seemed right," said one friend who wanted her name kept secret to avoid being attacked, or eaten, by O'Donnell. "I mean when you're at some rally talking about how lesbians deserve marriage rights, it's pretty hard to just walk out," she added.

American Corporations Lining Up For Prime Advertising Space on Israeli Wall

When the Israelis announced their plans to build a large wall protecting them from the Palestinians, many claimed that it was outrageous. But American corporations saw a golden opportunity.

"Where else can you find a canvass so big on which to paint your tasteful, yet bold marketing strategy?", said a spokesman for the men's magazine Penthouse.

Israeli leaders have been worried about where they would get the money for the monumental project, but apparently the answer lies in good old capitalism.

Interestingly enough, German based corporation Volkswagen has paid the most for advertising space, a fact which angered many Israelis, although they were pacified by finding out that the cost for the wall would not have to come out of their pockets. To the consternation of some older Israelis, according to the agreement, they would have to wear small, golden VW symbols on their clothes.

Israel announced that they would build the wall as a protection against terrorist attacks by Palestian terror groups. Palestians counter that the wall violates their inherent right to drive up to a group of Israeli school children and blow themselves up. The ACLU has been meeting with Palestinian leaders about a possible appeal to the UN.