Senator Signs Endorsement Deal with GM

Newly-elected Senator Scott Brown has become famous for coming out of nowhere to win the Massachussetts Senate seat held for decades by the late Ted Kennedy. In addition to winning a seat long held by his opponent's party, Brown became the poster child for the Republican plan for the 2010 elections. While many feel that his victory is priceless, General Motors decided that the Brown name did have a dollar value and announced him as the first in what they hope will be a stable of professional lawmakers to publicly represent the GM brand.

[caption id="attachment_676" align="alignright" width="250" caption="See, GM is helping already!"][/caption]

GM spokesman Robert Jackson said, "We are very excited to welcome such a hot, new name into the General Motors family. As Tiger Woods showed the industry, you can't be too careful whom you choose as spokespeople. The General Motors brand is a lion of America, just like the state of Massachusetts."

When asked if they were concerned about "skeletons in the closet," Jackson answered, "No, not at all. We hired the same vetting team John McCain used to investigate Sarah Palin. They assured us everything is fine."

The deal was made possible because of the recent 5-4 Supreme Court ruling that ruled that corporations can spend as much as they want on political advertisements. While they cannot contribute directly to individual campaigns, they can do things like run advertisements either for the candidate they support or against the candidate they oppose.

While concrete terms of the deal have not been released, it appears that Brown will wear a small, tasteful, GM lapel pin, although the company source stressed that the pin would not be worn above the flag pin.

Woman Denied Health Coverage After Chance Encounter with Jack Bauer

Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn't smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare's customer service line to find out why her application was declined.

[caption id="attachment_670" align="alignright" width="300"] You guys are SO dead.[/caption]

"They said something about a Jack Bauer or something," says Jackson. "I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don't know any Jack Bauer…oh wait...I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, 'This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!' I think he said something about running out of time. That's the only time I've ever been close to the man, so I don't know what's going on here."

Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a "pre-existing condition." Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.

As Member of the Press, Palin Barred From Own Speaking Engagement

Editor's Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.

When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska's top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network's stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.

[caption id="attachment_665" align="alignright" width="202" caption="But she's so pretty!"][/caption]

However, Palin's decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.

Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers' pieces on her Facebook page.

Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy.

GMAC CEO Hesitant to Ask Treasury for Pony

With public opinion strongly against government handouts for corporations, GMAC CEO Michael Carpenter finds himself in the precarious position of rebuilding a company while remaining conscious of the public's view of his actions. When word leaked that some of the companies that were taking bailout money from the government were distributing lavish bonuses, confidence plummeted while stock in pitchforks soared. Therefore, when a GMAC senior executive asked for a pony for his daughter, Carpenter was placed in a tough position.

[caption id="attachment_661" align="alignright" width="300" caption="See, look how much smaller that is than a pony"][/caption]

"We just received 3.79 Billion dollars from the government, or as it's being described, from the taxpayers, even though the checks say United States Treasury, Carpenter said."That is different, that is something we needed.  A pony is going to be looked at as an extravagance. We can't afford the public backlash if this story gets out."

Part of the problem with the pony requisition is that, unlike the billions of dollars from the government, you can't pay back a pony. "Even though it's only $1000, everyone can imagine a pony. People can't really imagine 3 Billion dollars, so it's much easier to make it sound like no big deal."

Passenger Sneaks Effective and Efficient Security System Through Airport Security

As fears over airport security are exacerbated by recent attempted attacks, security officials attempt to make the public feel that a trip to the airport is a reasonably safe venture. Because of this, the news of yet another security breach will surely raise cause Transportation Security Administration officials to increase their antacid intake.

[caption id="attachment_654" align="alignright" width="292" caption="She ain't packing bombs, but she's packing something dangerous, you know what I mean?"][/caption]

Yesterday, word began to leak of a security breach in which an unknown man concealed a working airport screening system in a false bottom of one of his suitcases. While such an incident seems difficult to believe because of the system's immense bulk, TSA officials have been quick to point out that A.) it was a very large suitcase and B.) screeners have never seen an effective and efficient security system.

"I found the extra compartment in his suitcase, but I ain't never seen one of them things before," said TSA worker Jim Lacee. "He said it was some kind of particle accelerator called the Large Apron Colander or something like that. He did look like he could be a scientist, so I let him go through. Plus, it was almost break time."

Top Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven in 2009 - Complete List

Editor's Note: I decided to break up the list into one item per day so I could provide more content for each item. Now that the list is complete, here is the complete list on one page for your reading pleasure.

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - Honorable Mentions

Honorable Mentions: Here are a few of the things that nearly made the list.

Twi-hards – Aside from being responsible for the explosion in vampire movies, television shows, children's toys, and breakfast cereals, Twilight has spawned a legion of obsessed women. Being a Lost fan, I know what it's like to be obsessed over something that other people find foolish. However, there is a bit of a disturbing issue with Twilight that I did not see reported in any major media outlet that covered the phenomenon. Taylor Lautner is seventeen years old. Grown men counting down the days until an attractive female celebrity turns eighteen? Pedophiles. Forty-year-old women screaming when Taylor Lautner takes his shirt of in the movie? Completely acceptable.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven - #1. Jersey Shore

1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.

Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. "Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?" Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson's nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won't someone think of the children?

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #2. Jon and Kate

2. Jon and Kate – As I mentioned in #4, I hate reality television. Nobody cares about the people involved in the shows; the only concern is ratings. It is not often that child abuse is shown on national television, but TLC decided to bravely forge ahead with a new era of exploitation. For starters, there is a reason that humans very rarely have a large number of children at one time. Before having a large number of children at one time meant getting your own reality show, there was no way to financially support such a suddenly large family unless you were very wealthy. It is irresponsible and completely unfair to the children to choose to have such a large number of children at one time.

According to all sources I could find, the couple used an artificial fertility method because of a fertility problem with one of them. They didn't plan on having six children, but when they found out that's what was going to happen, the reportedly said, "no way!" to reduction. This is hypocrisy at its finest. Going against God, nature, or whatever you want to call it to become pregnant: Completely acceptable. Limiting the number of children: Completely unacceptable. You don't get to have it both ways; you're playing God.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #3. Sarah Palin

3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant – Anyone who knows me knows that I hate reality television. The original concept was intriguing, but it quickly became apparent that "reality" television was just improv using untrained actors who moonlight as horrible human beings. Most shows have devolved into a game of constant one-upmanship: How many douchebags can we fit in a house, and how much prodding do they need to act like assholes? I'm not interested in that, as I can just go down to a club at the Jersey Shore if I want to see that.  Oh wait…

In addition to the tried-and-true method of confined douchebag assembly, a newer variation of reality shows have emerged, focused on extreme situations. In the same way that paterntiy suit participants on the Maury Povich Show have increased the reliability of their claims (I think the current standard is "I am 10,000% sure that ain't my baby!"), these shows have become more and more ridiculous. This year's "Ow! My Balls!" award for most ridiculous reality show goes to our number four entry: "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #5. Teabaggers

5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in the beginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.

Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let's take a look at the abbreviated timeline:

Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: "Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?"

Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: "Go get those WMDs!" later amended to "Saddam is a bad man" later amended to "You'll take our democracy if you know what's good for you!"

Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.

Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: "Oh, hell no!"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #6. Glenn Beck

6. Glenn Beck – I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Glenn Beck is Stephen Colbert without the winking nod, an Andy Kaufman for our time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to pretend that he believes what he says, and is either out to make money off of dupes or is the greatest IRL troll of our generation.

For the time being, I'm going to go along with the notion that he's serious. His inclusion on the list represents not only him, but other talk radio and Fox News personalities, like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter – The Axis of Idiocy.

A problem arises because it's difficult to put these people into the same category. For example, I think Sean Hannity truly believes what he says. He has had brain surgery to turn off the part of his brain that stops your mouth from moving when you know you're saying something that makes no sense. Ann Coulter, however, says whatever she feels will cause the most controversy and make her the most money. The level of idiocy is comparable, but the intent is different. But, even with all this competition, Glenn Beck has emerged as the group's Cryer-in-Chief.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #7. Balloon Boy

7. Balloon Boy – This story had everything I hate about our society. Parents who give their children ridiculous names (Did you name your kid after a Midwest state? You might as well install a pole in her bedroom so she can get some practice for her future career), the twenty-four hour news cycle that values exclusive "information" over verified facts, and reality television, which will appear in future installments of this list.

Of course, it's not every day that you get to watch a bag of Jiffy Pop soar majestically through the air like some kind of large bird like an eagle or something. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, Falcon. That was my first clue that the kid wasn't really in the balloon. Well, that and the use of my eyes to visually acquire information about the size and shape of the balloon, which then sent the information to my brain to process and send a signal to my mouth to say "WTFuck?! You're seriously trying to tell me there's a kid riding in that? Where? Does he have Saddam's WMDs with him? Is he riding on an invisible unicorn under the balloon?"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #8 Jennifer Aniston

8. Jennifer Aniston – This one is tough. I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I liked her in Friends. She seems like a likeable person. Yet, there's a problem. She's on at least one magazine cover every time I go to the supermarket. But, it's not just that. It's always a variation of "Jen: True Love, Finally!" and "Jen: Heartbroken After xxxxxx Dumps Her!" This repeats anew every so often, typically when she has a movie coming out. This leads me to believe that I have successfully mapped the Jennifer Aniston dating cycle.

1. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.

2. They go out on one date. The guy has a very nice time and plans to see her again.

3. Her publicist calls every magazine and tells them all about the date, providing exclusive information to each magazine.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #9. The Snuggie

9. The Snuggie - On the one hand, I have to hand it to the person who invented the Snuggie. Not since the Pet Rock has someone made so much money selling something so ridiculous.

It Looks Ridiculous – There's a reason that people hadn't made wearable blankets before. It's one of those ideas that sounds great in theory, but looks ridiculous in actuality. "Wouldn't it be great if I could experience the warmth of a blanket, without having to worry about it falling off when I move about?" Yeah, I guess it would. I also wish I could experience that level of warmth throughout daily life, but it would look ludicrous for me to drive around with a blanket on. It looks no less ridiculous walking around your house.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

It's Facebook, not YourKidBook. We realize that being a parent is something new and exciting for everyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being happy and proud of your children, in fact, it's great that you care so much about them. However, remember that you feel that way because they're your children. Do you find yourself thinking, "If only my friends would tell me all about their kids in every Facebook status" or "I wish I got daily pictures of other people's kids?" No. There's a reason you don't think that. Also, you're not the first person to be pregnant. All that stuff you complain about? It's happened to every pregnant person ever.

Senate Democrats Look to Single-Player System For Health Care Reform

After months of rancorous debate, the health care reform process seems destined for failure. Senate Republicans are united in their opposition of any type of reform bill and Senate Democrats regret their decision to reconcile with Senator Joe Lieberman. However, a meeting of top Senate Democrats took place behind closed doors late last night, and, according to an anonymous source, a compromise was reached that may bring affordable health care reform to everyone. Better yet, it's amazingly simple. In short: Single Player Health Care.

[caption id="attachment_590" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Don't worry, in a few seconds all that annoying blood spatter will go away"][/caption]

The Senators have decided to incorporate the fast healing technology seen in the popular video game "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2." In the game, as long as the soldier is able to duck behind cover for several seconds, he completely heals. Our source says, "The Senators were so excited when they saw the footage. It didn't matter if it was a gunshot wound or shrapnel from a grenade, fifteen seconds max and they were good as new."

Others are not convinced. "Granted, Modern Warfare 2 is an amazingly realistic replication of current warfare and weaponry, but I don't think the healing mechanism in the game is accurate," says ER doctor Ben Daxon. "Just because we base our financial system on fantasy doesn't mean that will work with all fields."

The debate over the feasibility of basing public policy on video game performance brings to mind President George W. Bush's decision to appoint Michael Brown as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency after learning of his proficiency at playing the computer game Sim City.

GOP Interns Host "Bring Your Own Strawman" Party

GOP Interns, tired of not having any plans on Friday nights, decided to take matters into their own hands this past weekend and hosted their own party, which, by all accounts, was "off the hook." Party planners argued vehemently about the topic of alcohol. Some believed strongly that alcohol should be provided, while others warned of the universal dangers of alcohol, such as ending up in airport bathrooms with undercover police officers.

[caption id="attachment_572" align="alignright" width="300" caption="You down with GOP, yeah you know me!"][/caption]

The planners settled on keeping the party dry, but allowing attendees to bring their own strawmen. Out of fashion for some time, strawmen have found a resurgence with the modern Republican party, and are frequently found on most Fox News programs, as well as on talk radio. Strawmen were considered very popular in the American South for some time, although their flammable nature made them a liability at cross-burnings.

Fox News: Glenn Beck's Movie Sells Millions of Tickets

This week, you could go anywhere without seeing advertisements for Glenn Beck's movie "The Christmas Sweater." In fact, if you don't watch Fox News or listen to Beck's radio show, it's likely that you had no idea that the controversial talk show host and frequent saline producer even had a movie coming out. Beck's two hour and fifteen minute motion picture debut played in hundreds of theaters throughout the country on Thursday night, and his fans were pumped!  So pumped, that they bought ninety-four out of a possible one-hundred ninety-three tickets in Rockwall, Texas.  They bought one-hundred seventy tickets in West Jordan, Utah.  They even bought a whopping seventeen tickets in New York City. Or so they liberal media would have you think.

[caption id="attachment_565" align="alignright" width="180" caption="Picture of crowd in line for Beck movie"][/caption]

Fox News is exclusively reporting that these numbers are much lower than actual ticket sales. They point to pictures of enormous crowds of people waiting in line to see the DC showing. Critics say that the pictures are actually pictures from the Million Man March from ten years ago. Fox News refused to comment other than saying, "Some people say pictures don't lie."

Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page.

[caption id="attachment_566" align="alignright" width="203" caption="Fox News depiction of people in line for Beck movie premiere"][/caption]