Commentary - "I Lost 142 Pounds On The Heroin Diet"

Written by Harry Franklin: Heroin Diet Founder

Everywhere I go, people comment on how much thinner I look. It's probably due to the new diet that I'm on, actually one that I made up myself. I was sitting at home, eating a large pizza and drinking a case of beer, watching the movie Trainspotting. I noticed that Obi-Wan Kenobe and the guy from Hackers looked very thin in this movie. That was when the lightbulb in my head went off, it was because of the heroin that they were using in the movie!

Immediately, I called up my friend [drug dealer] Louis, and asked if he could provide me with some heroin, or smack as he called it. He agreed to help me out with my new diet and even gave me the first hit free!

I had tried other diets in the past, and have not been able to stick with it. The incredible addictive power of heroin makes this sticking point a thing of the past.

You're wondering if the heroin diet is easy to follow? It's a simple process actually: One hit in the morning, one hit in the afternoon, a sensible quarter of a sandwich for dinner, and voila! The great part about the plan is that it's completely customizable to anyone's schedule, say for example that you wake up in the middle of the night and have a newly increased commitment to following the diet, you can shoot up right then and there!

At the last family reunion I attended, my family was amazed at how much weight I had lost. Everywhere people were exclaiming such things as; "Where did the rest of you go?" and "Eat something damnit!"

Take it from me, Harry Franklin. I went from 298 pounds to 156 pounds on my 6'2" frame. And I feel great! [after I shoot up]

Commentary: I Use A Mac, Cause I'm A Lazy Bastard

Written by Jerry Kelton: Mac User

I want my own television commercial like that chick who saved Christmas. I switched to a Macintosh from my old PC last week, because I wanted something that I could use right out of the box, without all the hassle of "learning" stuff. I mean who needs to know what "files" and "drivers" are, I don't need to know any of that stuff, I'm only using it to look at porn anyway!

I'm so happy that I found out how much easier the Mac makes my computing life. It's the AOL of the computer manufacturers, cause it makes it so simple that any moron can use one. Having a PC, and having to learn how to operate it properly, unfairly limits the amount of people that can access the information superhighway. Without Macs, online tech support people would be denied the joys of answering such questions as: "how do I get to espn.com?", "I can't save this file", and "I think I need a new internet."

So if that chick can get her own commercial, why not me? I've used my Macintosh to totally revolutionalize the way that I look at pictures of naked women. All I have to do is hold a bottle of hand lotion up to the screen and it automatically goes to my favorite porn site. If I get hungry while I'm looking at porn, I just say "pizza", and twenty minutes later the delivery guy shows up at my door. It even took care of that guy that was trying to serve me with child support papers, leaving me free to continue looking at porn.

Just give me a chance, I just want to show the world how much I love my Mac!

Commentary: "The Fake News For President!"

Written by Jimmy Wellington

I can’t be President you say? Give me one good reason. Ok, that’s a good one, give me twenty good reasons. Didn’t think you could. Now maybe I haven’t done coke, or cheated on my wife every day – hell I’m not even married – but I think that I can do the job just as well as any of the other contestants on “American Candidate”.

You didn’t know that I was going to be a contestant? Well now you know. Of course I had to exaggerate my age a bit, but isn’t pulling one over on the American public what being a politician is all about? I’ve also been practicing sound economic practices by charging my sponsors more to keep up with my inflated online purchasing habits. OK, so I don’t actually have any advertisers, but if I did, that’s what I’d do.

I think this is the greatest idea that the media has ever had, even better than having R. Kelly host the Miss Pre-Teen USA pageant. Where else but America can an illiterate farmer from Alabama have a chance at being elected head of state of the most powerful country in the world? Nowhere else. Viva America!

I’ve even learned to ‘habla espanol’ so I can appeal to the millions of illegal immigrants running around the US. On second thought, fuck that. If you move here, learn to speak the language. If I moved to France to live, you know that I’d learn how to speak Franchish.

So I end by saying, vote for me, Jimmy Wellington as the winner of American Candidate. Then vote for me again as I run against Dubya and if I’m lucky, Al Gore. Thank you and goodnight.

Commentary: "Fine, Don't Listen. But Don't Come Crying To Me When You Get Knocked Up."

Written by Kevin Hiller: Father

All right missy, you don't have to listen if you don't want to. You can roll your eyes like you always do, just don't expect me to care when you're picking out maternity dresses and wondering if you should breastfeed or spend your allowance on formula. I know that your job in the women's department of JC Penney will provide all the money that you'll need to raise a happy and healthy child.

And don't expect your mother and I to help you out. I'm trying to do my part as a concerned parent by teaching you about sex and being sexually responsible. Remember when I showed you that porno and told you that the men weren't wearing condoms because the women were taking birth control pills? Wasn't that being a cool dad? Most parents are too uptight to have casual and open conversations about sex with their children, but not me. How many of your friends' dads gave them tips on how to give hummers so you can keep your boyfriend happy and faithful?

All I'm asking is that you let me know if you need birth control. I saw how that player on the soccer team was looking at you during the last game, I'm not stupid. He says he just wants to take you out for ice cream? That's guy double-speak for "I want to take you to an abandoned car lot and have wild monkey sex with you." How else would you know this if you didn't have a dad that cared for you and your well-being?

And we haven't even discussed the STD issue! I was just trying to tell you to make sure to carefully inspect your boyfriend's penis before you let him do anything. Syphillus is no small matter, young lady.

Come back here honey, I'm just trying to help you out! Man, kids today...