Jesus Christ Changes Liquor To Water

Every year there are many claims of miraculous events that occur throughout the world. People claim to have seen visions of the Virgin Mary or Jesus Christ in many strange places. Accounts of visions on walls, in food, and even in dirty bathroom sinks are well documented. Here in the small town of Bakersville, California, a miracle has occurred that has made believers out of even the most hardened atheists.

The miracle reportedly occurred sometime between 4:00 PM Friday, and 1:00 PM Sunday of last week. Bill and Rhonda Jenkins had departed for a weekend at Cape Cod, and left their seventeen year old son Brian home to watch the house. According to their statement, they left strict orders that there were to be no parties while they were gone.

When the Jenkins returned home from their trip, what they witnessed was shocking, to say the least. The house was in shambles, and Brian was laying on the floor in a daze, along with many of his friends. “We didn’t quite know what to think,” said Rhonda. “My first reaction as a mother was to make sure the kids were all right. I’ve never seen Brian quite like this before. When I was finally able to snap him out of his daze, he held his head and began babbling incoherently. All I could make out was, ‘Oh my God.’ I had this feeling that he was trying to tell me something, but I couldn’t put my finger on exactly what it was.”

The message that Brian was trying to communicate was not to become clear until after the house had been cleaned up. Mr. Jenkins went to fix himself a drink from the liquor cabinet in their basement. Only then did the truly miraculous events that occurred at their house became apparent. Bill told us what happened: “I went downstairs to make myself a vodka and tonic. When I opened up the bottle of vodka, I didn’t notice the usual aroma coming from the bottle. I thought that was strange, but then I took a drink.” Bill realized with a start that the bottle was not filled with liquor, but with water!

Clearly shaken, but not stirred, Bill opened another bottle, this time Jack Daniel’s bourbon. To his astonishment, that bottle was also filled with water. Further investigation revealed that every single bottle in the cabinet was filled with water.

When Bill told Rhonda his discovery, she immediately realized what had transpired. “I grew up a practicing Catholic, so it wasn’t too hard to figure out. I remembered a story in the Bible in which Jesus changed water into wine. When I remembered Brian’s words earlier, ‘Oh my God’, I was able to piece the puzzle together.”

When asked if there could be another possible explanation, Rhonda was quick to dismiss the theory. “Everyone is too skeptical nowadays. People can’t believe that a miracle occurred, even when the evidence is staring them in the face. Someone was even so rude as to insinuate that my son and his friends must have drank the liquor. That’s impossible, my husband and I have clearly marked lines on all the bottles to ensure that our son won’t bow to peer pressure. The level of water in the bottles was exactly at the line in each case.”

The only question left unresolved was why Brian’s friends were also at the house. However, Brian has the answer. “See, we were all on our way to go see a movie, and um...we needed to stop at my house for my wallet...yeah, my wallet. I don’t remember anything between that time and my mom waking me up on Sunday. I must have gone unconscious when Jesus came down from heaven and changed the liquor to water. Yeah, that’s what must have happened.”

Many local clergy members have embraced the miracle as a sign that God wants to make his presence felt in a time where sex and violence rule the airwaves. Area priest Father Jim McGaffney believes that this is a true act of God. “There’s no doubt about it, it’s a miracle all right. The fact that Brian passed out at the awesome sight of our Lord and Savior is the detail that really clinches it for me.”

Bill and Rhonda are excited about the fact that they are now only two more miracles away from sainthood. “We don’t want to get our hopes up, but we feel that with one miracle under our belt, we now have the inside track on all our friends,” said Bill. They are not letting the fame go to their heads, even with the media attention. The family will appear on Oprah in two weeks and will be featured in the Catholic Church’s upcoming “Got Miracle?” ad campaign.

Brian tells us that the attention is not a big deal. “Everyone knows who I am now, which is pretty cool. It’s kind of annoying when everyone asks me to autograph their bibles though.” Brian’s plans for the future include a “Jesus Party” in three weeks when his parents go to the Eagles concert. More immediate plans include helping his girlfriend Mary see God on Friday night.

Man Feels Need To Clarify That Friend From San Francisco Is "Not Gay"

According to his friends, Justin Blake, a 22 year old temp from Sacramento, is a normal guy except for one strange quirk. Everytime he brings up his friend Steve, a high school buddy, he feels the need to quickly add "he's not gay" immediately after saying that Steve lives in San Francisco.

"It's the strangest thing," says friend Keith Potter. "I mean, I think he's homophobic. Evidently, he doesn't want any of us to think that, heaven forbid, he has a friend that's gay."

When asked for comment, Justin said that he is not a homophobe. "I don't know why I do it, I guess. It's not something that I say on purpose, it just kind of comes out. I guess when I think of San Francisco, I think of gay people. It's the whole stereotype thing I'm definitely not homophobic, I have a lot of friends that are gay."

When asked how many friend Justin has that are gay, he appeared indecisive. "Well, for starters, there's um...Jimmy...we worked at McDonalds together...and um....there's....um....oh yeah! My good friend Kenny's brother's roommate is gay. He's come over a couple of times, and I definitely consider him a friend.

We spoke with Justin's "not gay" friend Steve by telephone, and he definitely added an interesting twist to the story. "Justin Blake? hmmm...oh, you're talking about that guy that sat next to me in Trig class. I wouldn't go so far as to call him a friend, maybe more of an acquaintance. He forwards me some annoying emails from time to time, you know the ones that I've already gotten about 20 times already."

Upon hearing of the reason that we were calling, Steve surprised us by saying, "Well the funny thing about that, is I actually am gay. I came out right after high school, before I moved to San Francisco. The reason I live here is because the best job offer I got out of school was at a company here. It's not like I was thinking 'man, since I'm gay, let me move where all the gay people are.'"

We called Keith back and told him what we had found out. "Wow, not if that's not ironic, I don't know what is. I don't think I'll tell Justin though, It would totally rock his world."

An interesting aside to the story is that 99% of the time Justin talks about "his friend from San Francisco, who's not gay" a listener immediately says "not that there's anything wrong with that," a line from the popular comedy series Seinfeld.

"Who Wants To Have Enormous Breasts" To Be Added To Fox Schedule

This classic TFN story was originally published sometime in 2002:

The programming geniuses at Fox look like they will have another breakout hit on their hands with the new game show "Who Wants To Have Enormous Breasts?" The show is set to premiere at 9:00 pm on Tuesdays in the Fall Season. The show is from the same production team responsible for "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?", the game show that was extremely popular for a season, before the viewing public realized that they really couldn't stand Regis Philbin.

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A group of 10 women per episode are pitted against each other in a battle of brains, beauty, and sheer desperation. The woman that is judged the winner is awarded the grand prize of a free breast enlargement procedure performed by acclaimed plastic surgeon Dr. James Raque. Dr. Raque refused to charge the show for the procedures, in exchange for being allowed to keep copies of the "After" pictures for his own personal use. Unlike the Philbin hosted show, this new show guarantees that there will be a grand prize winner every show.

The show will be a mixture of trivia questions, along with a beauty contest. The final score for each contestant will be calculated using the formula of: Brains - 5%, Beauty - 95%. The contests will first be asked to answer a series of questions in the knowledge portion, which lasts for 5 minutes. Sample questions are: "Who is the current President of the United States?", and "What is the name of the street that you live on?" There will also be visual questions, such as: "What are the two colors on this stop sign?", and "Is this man wearing a dress or a suit?". The last question was actually a trick question, since the picture was of Dennis Rodman.

School Bans Paper From Area Schools

It was a decisive 15-0 vote by the Guilford School Board that ended the use of paper in town schools. The vote was brought about by a recent rash of paper related injuries this past month. According to unofficial statistics, at least eight students at Guilford High School have missed portions of class due to paper injuries, mostly paper cuts.

School nurse Jane Riley talked to us about the paper cut epidemic. "It almost always happens the same way. Someone takes the dangerous side of paper too lightly and they get what they deserve. Don't get me wrong, I've been safely using paper for over thirty years, but if you play with fire, you're going to get burned."

When the misuse of paper was first brought to light, many in town were concerned. Guilford High School parent Chris Lowe said that he was worried for his seventeen year old daughter's safety. "I was scared to send Jen to school. I mean guns and knives are bad, but paper is so scary because nobody sees the possibility of violence."

Terrorists Declare "War On War On Terrorism"

Local Al-Quaida officials announced on Tuesday that they are declaring war on the United States’ War on Terrorism. This news comes in response to the American attacks geared on “eradicating terrorism as we know it.” Spokesperson Muhammed Il-Jihad agreed to speak with us regarding the new declaration of war. “Those American infidels will pay for what they have done to our people. All we were trying to do was get some recognition for our movement. It was not our intention to kill innocent women and children. Our intelligence indicated that the American military was using the World Trade Center buildings as a covert base for operations. All praise be to Allah!” He then blew himself up by activating the large bomb strapped to his chest.

Al-Quaida leadership is claiming “unprovoked attacks on our homeland” to be the impetus behind their declaration of war. Their new spokesman, who replaced Il-Jihad, the former spokesperson who blew himself up in the last paragraph, states: “We do not understand what we have done to you people that would cause you to attack us in this manner. Just yesterday, one of your bombs killed 20 of our soldiers! 20 Soldiers! That is equal to a third of our troops!” Fortunately our replacement reporter was able to duck behind a table before the new spokesperson shouted “All praise be to Allah!” and blew himself up.

The United States government has tried unsuccessfully to determine the whereabouts of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, who is believed to be responsible for the Sep. 11 attacks. According to a government spokesperson, “We know that Osama Bin Laden has been killed. There is no possible way that he could be alive. Say, why are you asking? Did you see him somewhere? Cause he’s dead. Yep, he sure is.”

Despite the assertion that he is in fact dead, Bin Laden sightings have been plentiful. NYU student Brad Miller claims that he saw Bin Laden driving a cab in midtown Manhattan. Others swear that they’ve seen him working in a local 7-11.

Inside sources tell us that the terrorists are plotting new attacks on American soil and have found many different ways to attack the United States simply by watching CNN, or as the terrorists call it: "The Intel Channel". Hamas operative Jasir Alabatta tells us more. “The other day CNN did a story on how security needed to be tightened at reservoirs, because if we were able to drop in a tiny amount of poison to the water supply, we could kill hundreds of thousands of American pigs. We were actually planning on something on a smaller scale, but how can we pass up that opportunity?”

Nobody Loves Raymond

"Everyone Loves Raymond" is one of the television shows that networks usually only dream about. A comedy that is a perennial Emmy nominee for Best Comedy Series without having something that most hit comedies need to stay on the air for more than 6 episodes: humor. Apparantly the same writers that come up with what pass for jokes on the show are the same people responsible for coining the title of the show. Maybe the writers have the word "Everyone" confused with another word or phrase; possibly "Some People", "A Few People", or "Ray Romano's Parents". I decided to ask around and see if I was the only one that doesn't "Love Raymond".

Both of my friends concurred that while they have occasionally watched the show, they would not categorize their feelings toward the show as "Love". Emboldened by my early success in proving the title to be a total falsity, I conducted a poll to find out if this trend would prove nationwide. I told my boss that I had to use the company phone line to conduct research for a story, and began to randomly dial numbers, posing the following question to the poll subjects: "Would you consider your feelings towards Ray Romano, the title character of the show "Everyone Loves Raymond", to be "love"? Here are some of the responses.

Paula from Pittsburgh: "I've never heard of that show, I only watch BET. I love that Usher though. He's so sexy!"

Jim from Wallingford, CT: "I can't stand that fucking guy. The only time I put that show on is when I have insomnia. It usually puts me right to sleep. I love Raymond about as much as I love hemmeroids."

Juanita from Foxboro, MA: "He's all right. I wouldn't say I love him, I guess tolerate would be a better word. If I want to laugh, I put on Friends. That's pretty much the only comedy I watch regularly."

Joel from College Park, MD: I firmly believe that Ray Ramano is the Anti-Christ. Howard the Duck made me laugh more than that guy does. Hell, I'd rather watch Leonard Part 6 on eternal replay than one episode of that show. It should be called "Everyone Loathes Raymond!"

Obviously I'm not alone in my opinion that Raymond is not the object of affection that his show makes him out to be. I also found out that it's really easy to get people to give you their credit card information over the phone, but I'm out of space in this column, that will have to wait for another column. Just remember that just because something's on TV, that doesn't necessarily make it true. Coming tomorrow: Britney Spears - Underexposed?

E-Bay To Sell Itself On E-Bay

Bill Jefferson, the CEO of E-Bay, the world famous internet auction site, has announced plans to sell the company on its own service. Inside sources state that the auction could be the biggest in E-Bay’s history, because the company has a virtual monopoly on internet auction activity. The site attracts millions of customers a month and features a wide variety of goods and services available to the highest bidder.

The site took only a short while to catch on when it first started in 1995, growing to its current status today, undisputedly one of the top 3 auction companies in the entire world. The fact that anybody with internet access can log on and get started right away is a major reason for the popularity of the site. Another major reason has to do with the Biretto crime family having a large investment in the company. They tend to “discourage” any other companies from trying to gain a foothold in the online auction community.

When asked what his plans were following the sale of his lucrative company, Mr. Jefferson said that he doesn’t actually plan to give up control of his company. He plans to pocket the cash without delivering the product. “It might knock down my seller rating a few notches, but it’s a shitload of free money! Plus, I’ll just blame everything on Martha Stewart!”

Shaq Signs Deal For $850M, California

The ever rising cost of securing the services of a high profile professional athlete may have escalated out of control this weekend with the signing of marquee center Shaquille O'Neal by the Los Angeles Clippers. The deal is worth a reported 850 Million Dollars over three seasons and also includes his very own state. Owner Donald Sterling had this to say about the deal: "Well, we're extremely happy about the signing, it moves us from a lower level team to an instant NBA championship contender. It really was a no-brainer." When asked about the highly unusual contract addition of ownership of a state, he commented: "It really wasn't that hard to get actually, Governor Gray Davis was really fed up after that whole energy fiasco and sold us the deed to the state for a very reasonable price."

ESPN sports writer Dan Patrick was not as comfortable with the signing and feels that the contract could have major implications throughout the sporting world: "Shaquille O'Neal is a dominant player, perhaps one of the most dominant to ever play the game, but this is outrageous!", he wrote in his column yesterday. "The deal brings the Clippers payroll to roughly $309,415,000 for next year, or about 12 times last years mark. For that amount of cash, at current salaries, O'Neal could buy every player on the Lakers, the Knicks, the Celtics, and the Nets, with plenty of money left over to make a new rap album, which God knows no one wants to hear."

Shaq had plenty to say about the deal: "Ha, ha! I'm a rich motherfucker now! I can say whatever I want about whoever I want! Uh oh, it'll get printed on ESPN? Not if I buy them!"

Shaq says that he plans to change the name of California to "Shaqtown", and will change the state flag from the familiar California Bear logo to a large picture of himself, naked in a sea of money.

Former teammate Kobe Bryant responded to the news by immediately announcing that he too will seek a better deal in a new NBA city. He is looking for somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 million a year, with his own state being a major piece of the deal. Inside sources say that he is interested in Texas, but may have to settle for New Jersey. More on this story as it develops.

"I Hate Filling Out This Detailed Search Form"

Written by Jerry Falwell: Easy Target

I signed up for match.com, an online personals site, because I've heard it's a good place to meet hot chicks. Ever since my wife left me for that professional wrestler last year, I've been lonely and need someone to cook for me, clean up around here, and have sex whenever I feel like it [after we're married].

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So I registered, filled out my profile and posted a picture - so simple! Then it was time for me to fill out the search form so I could search for the type of person that I wanted to be with. Some of the options were a bit narrow. For example, where is "Aryan" for the ethnicity question? I don't want to be diluting my seed!

Another question I have is on the height section. Is this with or without shoes? My woman wouldn't leave the house, so I want to know how tall she is without them.

None of these women seem to value traditional morals and traditions as much as I'd like. Take this woman whose profile is entitle "littlebtch" for example. She says that she's looking for someone to "bang her silly" and that she's not looking for "commitment or any of that [expletive deleted]". First of all, what is she doing using language like that? Second of all, marriage outside of holy matrimony is just plain wrong!

I don't think that this is going to work out, maybe I'll find a better quality of women over at Yahoo Personals, or Hot or Not. I'll keep you posted.