Rush Limbaugh Searching for New Homoerotic Metaphor to Describe Health Care Reform Process

Since the dawn of language, people have used metaphors to describe concepts that are hard to understand. In our modern political climate, those on the right have eschewed the soaring oratory of their predecessors for more vulgar sexual terminology. Take, for instance, the following quotes. (Ed. Note, all four are actual quotes).

[caption id="attachment_551" align="alignright" width="254" caption="Is that just a cigar or are you trying to tell us something?"][/caption]

"People in New York, you're being raped by your government -- raped." – Glenn Beck, November 19^th.

"We are -- excuse this analogy, but I feel like it's true -- we're the young girl saying "No, no, help me," and the government is Roman Polanski." – Glenn Beck, November 16^th.

"Obama ordered his "pay czar" to "rape" bailed out executives." – Rush Limbaugh, October 22.

"Get ready to get gang-raped again, folks." – Rush Limbaugh, June 24^th.

Sarah Palin Hopes to Use Book's Success to Jump-Start 2010 Presidential Bid

Sarah Palin's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" has been flying off the bookshelves and into warehouses where conservative magazines are storing them for use as promotions to sell subscriptions. Hate her, love her, or hate her, she is everywhere. Newsweek even has her on her cover, using a photo Palin posed for by Runner's World magazine, in which the former Alaskan governor showed that the American flag, in addition to being a symbol of freedom that should never be desecrated, also makes a lovely slip cover for a chair.

[caption id="attachment_545" align="alignright" width="300" caption="2010, here I come!"][/caption]

Whenever Palin is brought from the media backburner to the forefront, fact checkers are close behind. Many have charged, and shown compelling evidence, that she has a casual relation with the truth, which provides the best reason yet to take her seriously as an actual politician. Her new book contains explanation of events which run completely counter to the narrative or narratives she gave during the Presidential campaign. For example, during the campaign, Palin touted America's alliance with Eastasia in our war against Eurasia. In the book, Palin writes, "God bless those Eurasians, we've always been at war with Eastasia, yet they keep plugging along!"

After coming so close to becoming America's Vice President, Palin is hinting that she is planning on running for President in 2010, although the next presidential election isn't until 2012.

Palin isn't wavering. "Ya know, people have been telling me all my life that I can't do something. Now they're saying, Sarah, you can't run for President in 2010, it's impossible. I think that if I just keep my nose to that powder keg and wait for God to open that door, I'll be able to bust on through when it does."

The Best of Page 2 - Part Two

Here is the second half of The Best of Page Two

Bitch Cited For Failure To "Get Out The Way" - Local bitch Janet Chiller was issued a ticket by police for failure to obey the rapper Ludacris as he instructer her to “Get Out The Way” in a club on Saturday. According to witnesses, the popular rap artist was attempting to make his way through the club, with Ms. Chiller obstructing his path. Mr. Ludacris asked her politely to “Move Bitch”, a request that she refused to obey. Obviously in the wrong, she was issued a ticket and will have to appear in court next week. Chiller ran afoul of the law a few years back when she refused a request to “Back ‘Dat Ass Up”, which resulted in 14 days of jail time. Ludacris could not be reached for comment, as his entourage said he was “too fucking stoned to speak”.

Woman Denies Possession of Vibrator - Clarice Jenkins, a housewife from Billings, Montana, refuted accusations leveled by her husband that a vibrator found in a drawer belonged to her. Robert Jenkins says that he “came home from work and accidentally bumped into her end table drawer. The resulting buzzing sound caused me to investigate further.” That was when the discovery of the vibrator occurred.

Mrs. Jenkins originally tried to say that the vibrator belonged to their 8 year old daughter, Lorraine. When that excuse was not believed, she then said that it came with the drawer and she had never bothered to throw it away. Finally she admitted that she may have purchased a “pregnancy free penis substitute”, but definitely not a vibrator.

Abortion Enthusiasts Excited for Health Care Reform

Today's political environment is dominated with extreme rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Talk of FEMA concentration camps, death panels, and a second hour of Glenn Beck are scaring naïve listeners. But there is one group who is not only not scared by these scare tactics, they are giddy with excitement.

Jenna is a budding abortion enthusiast and college student. "I am just so excited about the government funded abortions they say will be available when health care reform passes," she says. "I'd been waiting for so long to finally experience an abortion, and I'm psyched that it will finally be affordable."

Jenna says her sister, Jamie, has already had four abortions, and says she's not done yet. "I only need one more for my punchcard, then I'll get one free abortion with an equal or lesser priced invasive medical procedure," Jamie says. "With offers like that I'd be a fool not to get pregnant again. The seats in the waiting room are really comfy too."

The Best of Page 2 - Part One

In the early days of The Fake News, the site was updated like a newspaper (remember those?) with multiple longer stories and a few shorter ones.  Some of them were not that great.  Here are the best.

Inner City Youth Shot For His “WWJD?” Bracelet - A 15 year old Bridgeport youth was shot and killed yesterday in an attack that was surprisingly not gang related. The 25 youths interviewed by police as witnesses say that they were just “sitting on their porch, drinking 40s, minding their own business”, when a car drove by and a boy jumped out, firing 2 shots into the 15 year old, whose name is not being released to the public because of his age.

Apparently, the only item taken from the youth was his bracelet, embroidered with the letters “WWJD?”, which stand for “What Would Jesus Do?”. Other valuables, such as the boy’s Michael Jordan sneakers, or his wallet containing $50, were not touched. The youth received the bracelet at a student outreach program sponsored by the local church. The boy’s parents hope that the attacker will read the bracelet, think about what Jesus would do, and turn himself into authorities.

Anal Retentive Man Washes Hair Perpetually - Jim Hedgson, a local guidance counselor has been washing his hair for 3 years consecutively, and has no plans to stop any time soon. “I have this condition where I have to follow any directions that I read. The other day I noticed for the first time that my shampoo had instructions written on the back. They said: ‘Wet Hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.’ The directions are pretty obvious,” he told us through his shower curtain yesterday. When we informed him that the repetition of the first three steps are optional, he didn’t believe us. “That’s how people get hurt. Directions are necessary to maintain order.” The school administration has not yet noticed Hedgson’s absence.

Apple Attempts To "Sync" Women With iPad

It can be the most frightnening four words a man can ever hear: "I'm on my period."  This natural occurrence can unfortunately causes billions of women to behave for a few days in a manner which they would not normally behave.  Many companies have tried to take advantage of this recurring occasion to make a buck or two, and Apple is the latest to throw their hat in the ring.

[caption id="attachment_332" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Irritability? Bloating? There's an app for that."][/caption]

The Apple iPad provides all the protection of a regular Maxi pad, with a few added features to bring the product into the digital age.  The starter kit includes a very small Bluetooth device, which attaches to the iPad, that sends a signal to other iPad wearers.  In studies conducted by the company, women who are both wearing iPads are very likely to have their menstrual cycles occur at the same time through a proprietary process Apple calls "cyc sync."

The company promises future features such as the ability to upload stats to Facebook and automatically friend your "cyc sync" contacts.

According to Apple spokeswoman Lisa March, "studies have shown that women who share their common struggle form a bond that helps each to improve their own condition.  Women can share tips on medicine and other treatment options that make the time more bearable."

When asked why a woman couldn't just randomly "friend" women on Facebook and achieve the same effect, March said she was late for a lunch appointment.

The iPad Heavy model comes equipped with a headphone jack and 4 GB of memory.  Apple says the headphone configuration "is guaranteed to be a sure-fire conversation starter."

For women who are not a fan of Maxi Pads, Apple plans to introduce the sister model, the iPlug, early next year.

How to Avoid the Swine Flu

Rather than making fun of celebrities and politicians today, we decided to provide a special public service.  Since nobody is telling people how to avoid the H1N1 flu, more commonly referred to as "swine" flu, we decided to help you prepare for the impending Aporkalypse.  Since the number of the beast is 666, here are 6 ways to protect yourself and your family.

[caption id="attachment_327" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="This is NOT how to get swine flu"][/caption]

1.  No matter how hot you think that girl or guy at the club is, ask your friends for a second opinion before you take them home.  Your inebriation may cause you to succumb to the number one cause of contracting swine flu: having sex with a pig.

2.  If you sizzle and give off a delectable aroma when in direct sunlight, go see a doctor.

3.  If you need to cough, cough into another person's sleeve.  This "cough into your own sleeve" idea is counterproductive, as you will be in close contact to your sleeve for the rest of the day.

4.  Start and conclude each day with a shower with boiling hot water.  Second degree burns are a small price to pay for sanitation.

5.  Since vaccines are in short supply, every person does not need a vaccine.  Only one person in a couple needs to be vaccinated, the second person can be immunized through sexual contact with the vaccinated person.  Remember, no condom!

6.  Avoid populations that are closely associated with pigs, such as pig farmers, butchers, and police.

UPDATE!

7. Using hand sanitizer is a great idea.  To ensure removal of germs, make sure you have a good coat of sanitizer, then light it on fire.  The fire will roast any remaining germs.