Online Poll: President Bush is HOT!

Citing "being really bored" and "Dick Cheney dared me to" as reasons, George W. Bush - leader of the free world - joined the millions of people that have posted their photo on the HOT or NOT website, and the nation's computer savvy citizens have this to say: He's a major babe!

[caption id="attachment_372" align="alignright" width="232" caption="We have no idea how his picture could have got on HOT or NOT. No, really."][/caption]

Bush says that he never checks his rating, because he "just did it as a big joke". However, an independent review reveals that someone from the domain www.ovaloffice.whitehouse.gov has checked the profile's rating 1423 times in the last 2 days.

The site's function is so simple that people have been kicking themselves for years, wondering why they couldn't have thought of it first. Insecure people post a picture to the website, and then rate others' photos, using a number system ranging from 10 (HOT) to 1 (NOT).

President Bush's current rating is 9.3, however part of that could be partially due to his "pimpin' his shit" to his friends and relatives, using his direct link listed here.

HOT or NOT (www.hotornot.com) has been abuzz for the past three weeks, with as many as 7 people doing a double take while rating pictures.

"I couldn't believe my eyes, I was all like, 'Dude, that's like the president and stuff.' Joey told me that he kinda looked like a chimp. Then we got high", said teenager Matthew Quentin.

In the past, the online citizens of HOT or NOT debated whether or not comedian Carrot Top had actually posted his picture as a desparate publicity stunt. The picture led to clamors for a new rating of "0", however the rating system stayed intact. Jim, one of the founders of the site explained: "Introducing a new variable that revolutionary would have shattered these people's fragile little minds."

Ex-Vice President Al Gore has tried to submit his photo for inclusion, however he has been informed that his picture is too large for the site to accept. He plans to increase his diet regimen and try again next month.

George Bush Relieved To Be Re-Elected

American leader George W. Bush announced on Wednesday that he was relieved to still be president following the elections of November fifth.

[caption id="attachment_369" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Bush: This is what a housey looks like!"][/caption]

"I'm glad that the American people went to the polls yesterday and made their voices heard. They were loud and clear in their support for a Republican run government, as well as their desire to have myself as the point man for that government, if you will. I will do my best to prove that the American people have made a wise choice by re-electing me as your President."

At that point, President Bush opened the floor to questions from the White House Press Corps. An excerpt follows.

Keith Washington: New York Post - "So, Mr. President. First of all, I would like to congratulate you on your re-election, you must be very proud."

President Bush - "Why are you snickering, Keith?"

KW - "Sorry Mr. President, I just remembered a joke that Christiane Amanpour told me yesterday. Back to my question. Can you say a few words about your opponent in this election?"

President Bush - "I honestly don't know who I was running against, I told my staff that I didn't want to know who my opponent was, since I decided to run based on the issues. I was proud that I didn't run any negative ads in this election, for I think that we should move away from that, and focus more on the issues."

Shari Jackson - "To what do you attribute the lack of media coverage in this Presidential Election?"

President Bush - "I try not to read the papers, or watch news programs on television. In fact, I'm pretty much out of the loop on anything related to domestic or foreign policy. Sometimes Condy [Rice] lets me sign stuff."

During the press conference Ari Fleischer and Colin Powell were seen doubled over in laughter, barely able to speak.

Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers Having Trouble Getting To Meetings

Keith Potter leans his head against the deployed airbag of his black 1997 Toyota Celica, trying in vain to shake the cobwebs from his head, caused by running headfirst into a telephone pole - again.



[caption id="attachment_195" align="alignright" width="300" caption="It's Not Too Hard To Pick Out DDAMM Members"][/caption]




Potter is a founding member of the reactionary organization Drunk Drivers Against Mad Mothers (DDAMM - the first D is silent). For years Potter, and others like him, have been persecuted by the Mothers Against Drunk Drivers (MADD) organization. They intend to do something about the harassment, providing members can make it to the meetings.

NYC Wins US Olympic Bid, San Francisco Settles For Gay Pride Parade - Again

Bringing an end to a competition that enraptured the many American sports fans that actually care about the Olympics, the United States Olympic Committee announced New York City as their choice for the American city to compete against other cities worldwide for the 2012 Summer Olympics, beating out San Francisco.

[caption id="attachment_481" align="alignright" width="281" caption="The USOC's New Logo"][/caption]

The deciding factor in their decision was New York's decision to spend whatever was needed to create an Olympiad that would reflect America's vast superiority over the rest of the world, according to an USOC insider speaking from his cell phone inside his new Ferrari, one of a fleet that mysteriously appeared at the USOC headquarters.

International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge appeared to be enthusiastic about New York's chances to be chosen as the host city for the 2012 Olympic Games. "I'm a 36 long, and a size 12 shoe. My favorite color for automobiles is red."

San Francisco mayor Ross Carter tried to remain upbeat, though he was obviously disappointed with the committee's decision. "Well, we still have the Gay Pride parade to look forward to, which is always a big deal. We like to see ourselves as a city that embraces every lifestyle, something that we thought would sway the vote in our favor. Unfortunately that was not the case. It appears a little green is more important than a vibrant, growing, accepting community."

12 Year Old Boy Seizes Oil Platform

Written by Jimmy Wellington

A four-man Navy SEAL Team led by 12 year old Jason McDermott captured an Iraqi oil platform yesterday, striking a major military and economic blow to the crumbling regime.

[caption id="attachment_239" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Video of the onslaught"][/caption]

According to independent sources, this was the forty-third time McDermott and his team had attempted the mission. Previous attempts had failed, according to the commander because: "Dude, it's a fucking hard mission, ok?"

McDermott, whose SEAL Team code name is "Kahuna", led the team into battle, or to be more accurate, hid behind large metal beams while fellow team members "Jester" and "Spectre" silently eliminated all enemy threats.

Playboy Sued For Masturbation Related Incident

In the aftermath of the $26B judgement against Phillip Morris, the amount of frivolous lawsuits has seen a dramatic increase. What might be the most ridiculous is the $50B lawsuit filed by John Mager, a psychologist from Albany. Dr. Mager has filed suit against Mr. Hugh Hefner and the Playboy corporation for their involvement in the loss of his penis last Friday.

Dr. Mager tells his side of the story: "I had just gotten my new cable package, which included the Playboy channel. I was interested in learning more about the programs that they offer, since the articles in their print magazine [Playboy Magazine] are so informative and well-written. I was surprised to find out that there is no news programs, none of the famous interviews that I'm used to reading, but rather and endless parade of young, nubile, well-endowed women frolicking around naked. While I like to watch naked women as much as any red blooded male, I have to say I was disappointed."

When asked to get to the fucking point of his story, he told us "the problem started when I settled down for a night in front of the tube. There was no informative or intelligent programming on, so I decided to turn the television off and curl up with a new book I had just bought. I pressed the "channel up" button instead of the "off" button I was attempting to press, and I ended up on the Playboy channel."

"Upon seeing the Tiffany Taylor special, I had to masturbate. I'm sorry, but I'm only human and that brown haired minx had me from the first frame. So I got out the hand lotion and the tissues and prepared to have a grand old time. However, after the first time I "finished" and cleaned up, I saw the Anna Nicole Smith [before she was a fat cow] special. Needless to say, my hand won out and I had already masturbated to completion before I was able to stop myself. After 32 consecutive specials, my little guy was beginning to look a bit chafed and appeared to be in need of treatment. When I got up, my engorged penis banged into the end table, causing it to begin throbbing. I went to get an ice bag and that's when the real trouble started."

Upon regaining consciousness, he realized with a shock that he had passed out with the ice bag on his genitals. His penis had become severely frostbitten, turning black. He plunged his member into a tub of warm water, where the sudden change in temperature caused it to fall off into the tub. Understandably frightened, he passed out on the floor and was not discovered until two days later by his wife, coming home from a business trip.

Doctors were not able to re-attach the penis, due to the extended period of time that it was separated from its owner.

The fifty billion dollar lawsuit claims that Hefner and his corporation "willfully and deliberately ran 24 consecutive hours of their most erotic programs, knowing full well that the average American heterosexual male would not be able to resist that kind of continuous assault on the eyes."

Hefner had this to say in his defense: "If he couldn't handle it, he shouldn't have watched it. Just because it's there, doesn't mean that it HAS to be viewed. I can masturbate continuously for 48 straight hours, I don't know what his problem is. I guess he's just not man enough."

Christopher Reeve Stricken With Carpal Tunnel Syndrome

Written by Cherry Bombe

May 27, 1995 is a day that will live in infamy. It was the day that Christopher Reeve spoke those fateful words, "Helmet? I don't need a helmet! I'm Superman!" and was then thrown from his horse in an equestrian pissing match, damaging his C1 and C2 vertebrae. It seemed that this high flying silver screen super hero had met his kryptonite, in the form of a thoroughbred horse named Eastern Express.

But with the help of hard work, determination, international fame, millions of dollars and a private team of specialists, Reeve persevered. Fall of 2002 found him wiggling digits and twitching extremities. For an alien once capable of stopping the flow of molten lava with the sheer force and chilliness of his breath, this seems no big deal, but for the all-too-human and fragile Reeves, this feat is a personal victory, and a medical miracle.

The medical community was astounded that Reeve was even alive after an accident of such magnitude. Many die from injuries such as his, and as it was, Reeves relied on a ventilator to breathe. But seven years later, Reeve shocked his doctor and the rest of the world when he performed a trick he'd been practicing in private for months: slowly, deliberately, Reeve raised his middle finger--a message for everyone who'd ever said he'd never move below the neck again.

Tragedy, however, has seen fit to strike again. Since the discovery of his new ability, Reeve has been invited to appear on every major evening news and daytime talk program on air and demonstrate his unbelievable and newfound motor skills. This constant and repetitive motion has taken a toll on joints and tendons unaccustomed to any movement at all and has led to a rather severe case of carpal tunnel syndrome, again immobilizing Reeve from the wrists down.

He remains courageous and optimistic though. "I know I will overcome this setback. Lex Luthor couldn't stop me. A little carpal tunnel syndrome sure as hell won't. And besides, I can still wiggle my toes."

Hate Email for "Olsen Twins Gone Wild!"

Click here to read the original article

Hello, I am Mary-Kate Olsen, and I was seaching the web oneday, and I saw "the fake news" when I seached Latest news in google. This came up. I clicked it, because some things they make up are pretty funny! But, I saw that you have info on my sister and I. I don't like that. Usually I ignore th ings like that! But this is out of hand. You made up "fake" qutes that our "parents" said. They are true. Nothing on your site is true. I am just politly asking if you could delete that bit of information. It is disgusting, and wrong. Please, and thankyou!

I WOULD LIKE A REPOND!

signed,
Mary-Kate

Our Reply

Hi Mary-Kate, this is Jimmy Wellington. I would like to talk to you about your libelous accusations. Everything on our site is 100% true! My IM is xxxxxxxxxxx on AIM and I'd love to interview you for my site.

I would also like a repond!

signed,

Jimmy Wellington

Mary-Kate actually took some time out of conquering the world to write back

Your Website Is not 100% true. And I cannot keep emailing you about this. It is false information. And I know you say things like that abotu everyone on your site, but sure, you can interview me, but then we have to stop emailing eachother because I cannot take this to my lawyer and go to court. I dont want to make that big of a deal out of it. And also, I might not do the interview with you because you seam business like in email, but when I first complained in email to you, I heard you gave my screen name away. That is not business like. Your friend Instant Messaged me and was being cruel, and rude. So I cannot work with you if you are going to give my screen name or email address away. Quickly like send me questions. But If I see that you post my E-mail address on your site, I will take this to court.

signed

Marykate

I obviously couldn't leave well enough alone...

Marykate, Thanks for the repond. I appreciate it. I'm amazed that you would contact me directly, I mean isn't that what you have lawyers for? I mean you keep talking about lawsuits and stuff, if I'm not mistaken, you haven't gone to law school. Maybe your sister has. Give her a shout out for me, would you? I mean, you're cute and stuff, but she's like WAY hotter.

So you didn't answer my question, do you want to do an interview with my site? I mean I'd want to be your boyfriend, but if that's not possible an interview would be fantastic. Please respond.

Jimmy

Apparently talking about her and her sister having sex is ok, but saying her sister is hot is WAY over the line...

No! I cannot interview you! Telling me my sister is hott, then asking me out!? Thats NOT perfessional! goodbye! My sister and me, NEITHER of us went to lawschool! goodbye!

I attempted to repair the damage I caused

No, you don't understand. I don't want you to interview me. I want to interview you. Perhaps you didn't realize that I was joking when I said that about your sister. Aren't you twins? If not, you sure look alike. So if your sister is hot, wouldn't that make you hot? Should I tell you that you're ugly? Would that be better?

I don't understand what I'm doing wrong! I want to be perfessional, but if I didn't see that I thought you were hot, that wouldn't be honest. Isn't honesty always the best? That's what my mom told me.

Please don't say goodbye. You still have clothes here.

I actually scored an interview with (someone claiming to be) the pint-sized billionaire

I still have clothes there? what that about? yes me and my sister are twins, but we dont look alike! Well at least I dont think so! Ive been with her my whole life! ask me only FOUR questions. thats my limit. thats all you get for the interview and then im hanging up my pen "that means goodbye"

Here it is, screen names changes to protect my identity (and that psycho's)

Jimmy Wellington: hi, this is jimmy wellington from The Fake News, you agreed to do an interview with me?

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes, but only 4 questions. And then I am out.

Jimmy Wellington: why only four?

Mary Kate Olsen: Because this is not a real interview. I did not sign anything.. so quick quick! only 4

Jimmy Wellington: the interview hasn't started yet, but why is it so quick?

Mary Kate Olsen: just 4!

Mary Kate Olsen: now go!

Jimmy Wellington: why so sudden??

Jimmy Wellington: i need to research

Jimmy Wellington: that's what journalists do

Mary Kate Olsen: research?

Mary Kate Olsen: uh.. i didnt sign anything.

Jimmy Wellington: if i can only get 4 questions, they have to be good ones

Jimmy Wellington: i never asked you to

Mary Kate Olsen: i am going back out soon unless u ask a quick first question

Mary Kate Olsen: i need to get going soon

Jimmy Wellington: where are you going, to have sex with nick lachey?

Jimmy Wellington: he's married

Jimmy Wellington: that's wrong

Mary Kate Olsen: exuse me?

Jimmy Wellington: i see you have an L, that must be for Lachey

Mary Kate Olsen: No!

Jimmy Wellington: then what does the L stand for?

Jimmy Wellington: lesbian?

Mary Kate Olsen: You are a freak

Jimmy Wellington: loch ness monster?

Jimmy Wellington: luscious jackson?

Mary Kate Olsen: It is for Lucsious.. my sister made it up.. she calls me that

Mary Kate Olsen: omg

Jimmy Wellington: that's hot

Mary Kate Olsen: no just lucsous

Mary Kate Olsen: leave me alone

Jimmy Wellington: what do you call her?

Jimmy Wellington: wait, i'm being serious

Mary Kate Olsen: No mor einterview you sick man, say one more thing and I will report you to AOL

Mary Kate Olsen: you are gross.

Mary Kate Olsen: you are NOT a business man

Jimmy Wellington: well all right, have a nice day

Mary Kate Olsen: I call her twinkle

Mary Kate Olsen: BYE

Jimmy Wellington: wait

Jimmy Wellington: don't go

Mary Kate Olsen: WHAT

Jimmy Wellington: i'll be professional

Jimmy Wellington: i promise

Jimmy Wellington: i pinky swear

Mary Kate Olsen: It is too late. You mentioned sex, that is illigal to ask in an interview.

Mary Kate Olsen: If you didnt know !

Jimmy Wellington: have you read any of the playboy interviews?

Mary Kate Olsen: NO

Jimmy Wellington: or maxim

Mary Kate Olsen: I do not read playboy

Jimmy Wellington: i didn't say you did

Mary Kate Olsen: NO

Jimmy Wellington: i thought maybe you'd heard of them

Mary Kate Olsen: I never said you did either, and no i have never even looked at one

Jimmy Wellington: sorry, i didn't mean to offend you

Mary Kate Olsen: I have heard of them, but i dont read them

Jimmy Wellington: what is your greatest accomplishment?

Jimmy Wellington: that's question number one

Mary Kate Olsen: Being so successful with my job and school.

Mary Kate Olsen: And getting eccepted to NYU!

Jimmy Wellington: what exactly is your job?

Mary Kate Olsen: accepted*

Mary Kate Olsen: Well, a designer, and actress, and i actually work directing now.

Jimmy Wellington: what have you directed?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well I havnt yet, but I might study it in College, and I worked on my TV show "so little time" with my sister.

Jimmy Wellington: did you direct any episodes?

Mary Kate Olsen: and the professionals, but we helped a LOT with that

Jimmy Wellington: or like maybe move the cameras around?

Jimmy Wellington: or do that thing where you hold your hands up and look throught them?

Mary Kate Olsen: what

Mary Kate Olsen: no

Jimmy Wellington: the directors do that

Jimmy Wellington: they look through their hands

Jimmy Wellington: for some reason

Mary Kate Olsen: We help with the script, and we help the cast out, and help the filming when it isnt our parts

Mary Kate Olsen: I got a chance to film once!

Jimmy Wellington: have you written any scripts?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well nto a whole script, but if there is something we would never say in real life the script supervisors totally let us change it

Jimmy Wellington: so you try to make it more realistic?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well, if they wanted us to say like "oh bananas!" we would say that sounds funny and ask if like we could say "oh geeze!!"

Jimmy Wellington: why would anyone want you to say oh bananas?

Mary Kate Olsen: not exsactly realistic.. because the scripts are always pretty realistic

Jimmy Wellington: i mean, i've never heard anyone say that

Jimmy Wellington: or is that your point

Mary Kate Olsen: well yeah pretty much!

Mary Kate Olsen: we found a few werid things in our scripts!

Jimmy Wellington: have you ran into any drug use in the industry

Jimmy Wellington: not on your part

Mary Kate Olsen: No.

Mary Kate Olsen: never

Jimmy Wellington: like people you work with

Mary Kate Olsen: Umm, not that I know of

Jimmy Wellington: like directors never seem more excited certain times, than others, like they're more active?

Jimmy Wellington: or they might have a nosebleed

Mary Kate Olsen: Well sort of, but it is always just their personalities.

Jimmy Wellington: or a syringe hanging out of their arm?

Jimmy Wellington: yeah, i know how that is

Mary Kate Olsen: they have fun, but are very serious

Jimmy Wellington: oh ok

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay, only 2 more questions.

Jimmy Wellington: do you ever have any say in the costumes?

Mary Kate Olsen: and you have to delete me from your buddylist and eanything u have

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes!

Mary Kate Olsen: always!

Jimmy Wellington: like do you use your own clothes?

Mary Kate Olsen: we pick out what outfits we love!

Jimmy Wellington: do you keep them?

Mary Kate Olsen: and if we hated something they wouldnt make us wear it, but there are ecceptions!

Mary Kate Olsen: We only keep a few things.

Jimmy Wellington: what exceptions are there?

Mary Kate Olsen: But usually it gets returned to the company

Jimmy Wellington: what's the most expensive thing you've kept?

Mary Kate Olsen: Like in our movie new york minute, we have to get under disguise, to hide from the bad guys, and we have to wear funky outfits, and we of course wore those because it was part of the scene and script

Jimmy Wellington: what was the disguise?

Jimmy Wellington: was it like the glassed and the fake nose?

Jimmy Wellington: glasses

Jimmy Wellington: my friend wore one of those once, and i had no idea who he was

Mary Kate Olsen: Well, It was just funky outfits. We had to like wear weird things., Ashley had to wear an afro, and I wore this weird blue outfit

Jimmy Wellington: it was crazy

Mary Kate Olsen: One more question.

Mary Kate Olsen: and you have to delte my name from your list

Mary Kate Olsen: and everythin on me

Mary Kate Olsen: because I cannot usually talk to people on it. I just use it for mail.

Jimmy Wellington: so there's no chance of a followup interview?

Mary Kate Olsen: So one last question!!

Jimmy Wellington: or maybe an interview with you and ayour sister?

Mary Kate Olsen: No, sorry.. this is not like permenent! I did not sign peperworl

Jimmy Wellington: it would be an exclusive!

Mary Kate Olsen: paperwork*

Jimmy Wellington: hmmmmm

Mary Kate Olsen: sorry, no

Jimmy Wellington: ok hold on

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay

Jimmy Wellington: that's cool

Mary Kate Olsen: please hurry and ask one last thing

Mary Kate Olsen: I need to get going

Jimmy Wellington: have you heard of a countdown on the internet to when you and your sister turn 18?

Jimmy Wellington: like a website?

Mary Kate Olsen: No..

Jimmy Wellington: no?

Mary Kate Olsen: who would do that!?

Mary Kate Olsen: hehe

Jimmy Wellington: it was on tv

Jimmy Wellington: the other day

Mary Kate Olsen: Hmm..

Jimmy Wellington: i heard there's a site that's doing that

Mary Kate Olsen: Thats pretty amazingf

Jimmy Wellington: i mean, you're 17, right?

Mary Kate Olsen: Devoted fans!

Mary Kate Olsen: hehe

Mary Kate Olsen: yes

Mary Kate Olsen: We turn 18 June 13th

Jimmy Wellington: when you turn 18, would you go to a strip club? I'm not being dirty, i know a lot of girls that do

Mary Kate Olsen: No,

Jimmy Wellington: my friend did when she turned 18

Jimmy Wellington: i was just curious

Mary Kate Olsen: ashley and I are not interested in that

Mary Kate Olsen: Ok

Jimmy Wellington: what if it was a male strip club?

Mary Kate Olsen: was that the last question?

Jimmy Wellington: like chippendales

Mary Kate Olsen: No, still we dont liek that

Jimmy Wellington: they have some good guys

Jimmy Wellington: you don't like in shape, good looking guys?

Mary Kate Olsen: Thats alright, our boyfriends owuld hate it! hehe

Jimmy Wellington: who is your boyfriend?

Jimmy Wellington: i must have missed that on E!

Jimmy Wellington: is he famous?

Jimmy Wellington: or is it a regular guy

Mary Kate Olsen: You didnt know? hes not very famous, hes a directors son.

Mary Kate Olsen: And ashleys boyfriend is a football player.

Mary Kate Olsen: Matt Klaplan

Jimmy Wellington: brian urlacher?

Jimmy Wellington: ohhhhh

Mary Kate Olsen: No

Jimmy Wellington: you're dating randall spielberg?

Mary Kate Olsen: no

Jimmy Wellington: his brother mackenzie?

Mary Kate Olsen: no

Jimmy Wellington: he's kinda cute

Jimmy Wellington: who then?

Mary Kate Olsen: Well I dont like to tell anyone.

Jimmy Wellington: well i mean, doesn't the media know?

Jimmy Wellington: they know everything

Mary Kate Olsen: Well some of the media.

Jimmy Wellington: like maria menounous

Jimmy Wellington: ?

Jimmy Wellington: from ET?

Mary Kate Olsen: It might be out now, but I want to try to keep it a secret

Jimmy Wellington: she knows everyone

Mary Kate Olsen: Ill just say he has a twin sister

Jimmy Wellington: i heard she even knows the president's girlfriend

Jimmy Wellington: oops, i wasn't supposed to tell anyone about that

Jimmy Wellington: are you going to vote when you turn 18?

Mary Kate Olsen: Umm. Okay nice talkign with you, bye

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes

Mary Kate Olsen: I am going to vote,

Jimmy Wellington: for who?

Jimmy Wellington: bush

Jimmy Wellington: ?

Mary Kate Olsen: I do not know yet

Mary Kate Olsen: Not bush

Jimmy Wellington: you don't like bush?

Jimmy Wellington: why not?

Mary Kate Olsen: I like him, but nothing personal!

Jimmy Wellington: he's the president

Mary Kate Olsen: I dont like what he represents.

Jimmy Wellington: such as"?

Mary Kate Olsen: I liked gore.

Jimmy Wellington: i don't really like violence

Jimmy Wellington: ohhhhh

Jimmy Wellington: al gore

Jimmy Wellington: i get it

Mary Kate Olsen: Sorry, thisdiscussion is over, I just prefer othe rpeople, I do like bush though

Jimmy Wellington: sorry

Jimmy Wellington: why is it over?

Jimmy Wellington: do you have to go meet your b/f?

Mary Kate Olsen: Because I am not a politiosian

Jimmy Wellington: i'm just trying to do my job

Jimmy Wellington: me neither

Jimmy Wellington: i'm a journalist

Mary Kate Olsen: You have no job!

Jimmy Wellington: how dare you

Mary Kate Olsen: you work for the "FAKE news!"

Jimmy Wellington: so

Jimmy Wellington: you have fake breasts

Jimmy Wellington: there i said it

Mary Kate Olsen: No I do not!

Jimmy Wellington: that's the rumor

Mary Kate Olsen: Well dont be so goulable! I have never gotten implants! That is so not true!

Jimmy Wellington: i heard you went to Britney Spears' plastic surgeon

Mary Kate Olsen: And I have met britney spears 3 tines, and she never got them either

Jimmy Wellington: so how did she grow so big, so fast?

Mary Kate Olsen: It is the truth

Mary Kate Olsen: She did not.

Mary Kate Olsen: It is called a ownderbra

Jimmy Wellington: a what?

Mary Kate Olsen: a WONDERBRA

Jimmy Wellington: ohhhhh

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay, bye

Jimmy Wellington: wait

Jimmy Wellington: don't go

Mary Kate Olsen: dont publish this

Mary Kate Olsen: i didnt sign anything

Jimmy Wellington: publish what

Mary Kate Olsen: this interview

Mary Kate Olsen: do not put it on a site or anything

Jimmy Wellington: would you say that you have the best hot pink in the country?

Mary Kate Olsen: exuse me?

Jimmy Wellington: that's your screen name, right?

Jimmy Wellington: hot pink

Jimmy Wellington: so would you say you're the best

Mary Kate Olsen: It is illigal to put this on a webdite since I didnt not sign anything

Jimmy Wellington: with that screen name

Mary Kate Olsen: I am not the best.. thats a cute color thats all

Jimmy Wellington: i mean there's like at least 122 other hot pinks on aol

Mary Kate Olsen: Well I like the color

Jimmy Wellington: why are you the best

Jimmy Wellington: ?

Mary Kate Olsen: I am not!

Jimmy Wellington: i think you are

Mary Kate Olsen: Thats real swet, but you are not a sweet person

Jimmy Wellington: i think you're the only hot pink that i'd want

Jimmy Wellington: i am

Mary Kate Olsen: you said rude things about me

Jimmy Wellington: i'm as sweet as equal

Mary Kate Olsen: i do not have fake boobs

Jimmy Wellington: or sweet and low

Jimmy Wellington: that's what i heard

Jimmy Wellington: i didn't make it up

Mary Kate Olsen: Well you heard wrong

Jimmy Wellington: justin timberlake told me

Mary Kate Olsen: you are under arrest If you use this interview on your site

Jimmy Wellington: under arrest?

Jimmy Wellington: for what?

Mary Kate Olsen: Yes

Jimmy Wellington: would you handcuff me?

Mary Kate Olsen: For publishing without me signing

Jimmy Wellington: and search me?

Mary Kate Olsen: No, We will take this to court

Jimmy Wellington: like, the people's court?

Mary Kate Olsen: I did not sign the paperwork, and hense that means you could go to jail if you put this on a site

Jimmy Wellington: go to jail?

Mary Kate Olsen: Like, the court of law

Jimmy Wellington: uh oh

Jimmy Wellington: that court?

Jimmy Wellington: damn

Mary Kate Olsen: So, please dont publish this

Jimmy Wellington: so, why do you have so much info on hilary duff on your profile?

Jimmy Wellington: is she your "boyfriend"?

Mary Kate Olsen: Because shes a cute little girl, and No one would think it is me if I use it. And, also I am a fan of hers, we have repct towards eachother.

Jimmy Wellington: oh yeah?

Jimmy Wellington: interesting

Jimmy Wellington: well, it's been nice talking to you

Mary Kate Olsen: If I see this on your site, you iwll go to prison

Mary Kate Olsen: Okay

Jimmy Wellington: thanks for doing the interview

Mary Kate Olsen: You too

Mary Kate Olsen: wait

Jimmy Wellington: i'll talk to you later

Mary Kate Olsen: DELETE me from you r buddy list

Mary Kate Olsen: no you wont

Jimmy Wellington: what picture do you want me to use for the interview?

Mary Kate Olsen: I have a new screen name, now that you know htis one

Jimmy Wellington: i'm sure you do

Mary Kate Olsen: YUO WONT USE THIS INTERVIEW

Jimmy Wellington: i need a picture

Jimmy Wellington: of course not

Jimmy Wellington: but if i did

Mary Kate Olsen: you wont

Jimmy Wellington: i'd need a picture

Mary Kate Olsen: would u want to go to prison?

Jimmy Wellington: yeah, i love prison

Jimmy Wellington: the guys there are so nice

Jimmy Wellington: well, have a nice night

Jimmy Wellington: i'll let you know when the interview goes up

Jimmy Wellington: bye!

Mary Kate Olsen: IT WONT

Mary Kate Olsen: i am callign the cops

Jimmy Wellington: goodnight

Jimmy Wellington: have fun

Jimmy Wellington: bye

Mary Kate Olsen: you are banned from AOL for 97 hours

Jimmy Wellington: oh shit

Jimmy Wellington: i'm sooooo scared

Jimmy Wellington: bye bye

Mary Kate Olsen signed off at 6:08:59 PM.

Bush Challenges Hussein To Spelling Bee, Aides Quickly Retract Offer

The world was shocked earlier this week when an Iraqi spokesman challenged American president George W. Bush to a duel. Initally the White House announced that they would not dignify the challenge with a response, but the situation took an interesting turn yesterday. The president apparantly bit through his gag and snuck away from advisors to make a personal response to Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

"Thank you for coming, I'd like to address this infantile challenge from Mr. Hussein. Mr. Hussein thinks that he can make a mockery out of this administation, well I have two words for you sir: "That's my job." In Texas we have a little saying. 'Challenge me once....oh never mind.' I don't agree to your duel, I'm just too set against senseless violence, it's just...not...right. What I propose is a meeting of the minds to settle this conflict. Yes, we'll settle this the old fashioned way, with a spelling bee. The contest will be officiated by an impartial party, Dick Cheney. The words will be..."

At that point Condoleezza Rice ran into the room and tackled the president, while Ari Fliescher quickly addressed the assembled throngs. "I apologize for that. The president was receiving a dental treatment that required nitrous oxide and he left the room when the dentist's back was turned. He's not in his right mind, and we retract any statements that he may have made. Thank you."

Reaction from world leaders consisted of the usual "laughing their asses off" variety, with most leaders too hysterical to make statements. Canadien Prime Minister Jean Chretien was finally able to calm down enough to comment. "Monsieur Bush was obviously not in his right mind. We continue to stand by the United States and support them, at least vocally."

At press time, all world leaders we attempted to contact were still laughing too hard to operate a telephone.

Olsen Twins Gone Wild!

Written by Thaddeus McClean III

Icons of the kid and teen video scene for most of their lives now, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen have released the next in their series of straight to video movies for their lifelong fanbase. With the twins reaching the age of 16 this year, this life parelleling movie making process seems to have taken a downturn.

The latest release, "Mary-Kate & Ashley - Cherry Pop", from the twins chronicles their weekend in Las Vegas alone on their 16th birthday after being separated from their parents while transferring flights at the airport. With their parents on a plane to Hawaii and unable to return until the following day, the twins end up spending the night on the famous Las Vegas strip where they meet twin farm boys from Oklahoma who return to their hotel suite with them.

The video details the girls' thoughts and emotions as they debate whether or not to "give it up" to the two handsome farm boys. Because they're sisters, the girls know that they can get through anything together, and decide to "go for it". In a scene that is officially described as "tasteful" and "more emotional than sexual", the twins lose their virginity simultaneously in the hotel hot tub next to a window with a 50th story view of the lights of Sin City.

Numerous social groups, religious leaders and media personalities have already decreed the movie as "pornographic", "disgusting", "unnecessary", and "a Howard Stern wet dream". Miraflix Pictures, the video's distributor, has already announced that it will not release it in the Southern and South Eastern United States due to threatened boycotts of all Miraflix products by several religious organizations.

The twins' parents released a statement Tuesday stating, "Like many parents, we were worried that our girls would take that step in their lives in a dangerous or unsafe situation. We felt better knowing that it would be in a safe, controlled environment where they were being professionally monitored and guided through this growing experience. Our little girls are women now".

Former U.S. President Bill Clinton was reportedly on the list of those to receive one of the first copies of the movie this week. According to his staff and family, he has not left his private New York office for the last three days.

Stand Up Comedian Fabricates Anecdote

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Comedy fans were outraged when it was made public that popular comedian Pablo Francisco totally made up a story that he shared with the audience. Francisco told an audience in an unnamed NYC comedy club that he had a roommate that was a male stripper who "shaved his juevos". When pressed about the validity of the story , he replied by saying "Dude, do you think that everything I say during my act actually happens? I would have to be the most interesting guy in the world. Come on now."

The Comedian's Union came to Francisco's defense, saying that fabricating humorous stories is vital to any stand-up comedian's repertoire. Chris Rock had this to say: "Of course we make stuff up. Shit, there's comedians out there who make up their entire act. I mean, I'm white! They just use lighting and camera tricks."

The more we researched, the more we found out that much of the entertainment industry "makes up" stories. In the movie industry, for example, reportedly up to 95% of Hollywood movies are "stuff that we make up ourselves", according to script writers. We were surprised to hear that there really is no Matrix, pigs don't talk, and there is no Spiderman.

Francisco tried to further clarify his position, but telling us that most of his act is "just exaggerated stuff that really happens to me. About the "juevos", I do have a roommate and one night he got drunk and shaved his balls. He talks in that male bimbo voice, so I just kinda exaggerated a little bit. Everyone's doing it."

Jerry Seinfeld weighed in on the controversy: "What's the deal with the stand-up comedians? If I decided to get up on a stage in a chair and tell jokes, or relate humorous observations, would I not be a stand-up comedian? I just don't get it."

Forrest Manson: First Draft Of Gump Movie Unearthed

The movie Forrest Gump is a celebration of the American spirit, told through the life story of a well-meaning simpleton. However, this feel good movie was initially slated to be a much darker tale of human misery and immorality. The title of the script was originally "Forrest Manson", a story of an insane serial killer who, through no intention of his own, found himself involved in nearly every major news story of a thirty year time span.

The character of Jenny, a fan favorite from the Gump movie, was in the original script, however she was not only Forrest's lover, but also his partner in crime. Sample dialogue consisted of: "Jenny, I may not be a morally conscious or mentally sound man, but I know what love is. And Jenny, I love you, especially when you're wearing that dead guy's head."

Not surprisingly, Tom Hanks was not initially involved in the project until the script change to the movie that we know today. Hanks called the original script "sick, disgusting and depraved. How the hell could I win an Oscar for that?"

If the movie had been made as originally scripted, the world would have been denied such characters as Lt. Dan, a vietnam vet who begrudgingly became Gump's friend. In the original script, his character was Wilson, a volleyball that Forrest talked to, a character that Hanks stole for his movie "Castaway".

Several scenes from the original were altered for inclusion in the revised screenplay. For example, the crowd pleasing "shit happens" scene was originally "double homicide with satanic overtones happens."

When asked if his performance in the recent "Road To Perdition" was influenced by the Forrest Manson character, Hanks growled at us until we went away.