Source Reveals that Melissa Leo Responsible for Only “5-10% of Overacting” on “The Fighter”

Hollywood insiders are buzzing with the news that Oscar winner Melissa Leo did not do all of her overacting on “The Fighter.” Stunt double Lea Ford has claimed that she did “nearly all” of the histrionics for the role.

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“I didn’t want to step on any toes, and Melissa surely showed everyone how over the top she can be with her ‘who me?’ bullshit while accepting her Academy Award,” said Ford, “but I would like some credit.”

In “The Fighter,” Leo plays Alice Ward, the brash mother of two fighters played by Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale. Bale won the Oscar for Best Performance at an Awards Show by Facial Hair (by Volume).”

Director David O. Russell tried to stay out of the erupting controversy, but was forced into action when rumors threatened to overshadow his film’s achievement.

“I went back and watched the unedited footage,” Russell said. “Ford did do about 20% of the overacting, but that is to be expected on a movie like this. I gotta hand it to Christian [Bale] though. He did all his own overacting. It was something to see.”

 

Matt Cooke Inspiring Asshole Kids

Even before the NHL handed him a long suspension—the rest of the regular season and first round of the playoffs—Matt Cooke has taken great strides this season to increase his appeal to asshole kids throughout the US and Canada.

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“I remember when my dad first took me to a Penguins game,” said 13 year old asshole Geoff Lawrence. “He told me how great Sidney Crosby and Alexei Malkin were, but when I saw Matt Cooke sucker punch a player, I knew whose jersey I wanted.”

For his part, Cooke acknowledges that he is just the latest in a long line of asshole NHL players.

“I used to be so jealous of Sean Avery,” Cooke says. “I mean, that guy could be a douchebag both in and out of the arena. It’s tough enough to be an asshole on the ice; it’s another thing to take that talent outside the arena.”

Lawrence beams when he tells about the time he met his idol.

“I waited outside for the team bus,” said Lawrence. “ I yelled his name and was totally surprised when he looked my way. I asked him to throw me a jersey. He did even better. He threw an elbow. I still have the three teeth he knocked out.”

God Blames Tsunami on Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps

As the estimated deaths for the Japanese tsunami continue to climb and fears of nuclear meltdown escalate, many are looking to the sky and asking, “Why God? Why did you do this?” Apparently, God hates Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson.

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“I had received intelligence that suggested that Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were meeting in Japan to discuss combining forces,” said God. “They decided that they could more effectively hate people different from them if they worked together. Frankly, I got sick and tired of always being blamed for everything bad that happens on Earth.”

God said that he got the idea of a “decapitation strike” in the last decade.

“Hey, occasionally man has a really great idea,” God said with a shrug. “Just like the dyslexics say: You can teach an old God new tricks.”

Fred Phelps leads the widely maligned Westboro Baptist Church, which is a church in the same way Old Navy is a nautical store. Whenever tragic deaths occurs, Fred Phelps and his “congregation” show up to protest outside. They carry signs with Christian slogans like “God Hates Fags.”

“Do I hate fags? Not at all, and I wish you would not use that word,” God said. “I’ll tell you who I do hate. Fred Phelps. I have half a mind to picket his funeral.”

Americans Pledge to Care About Japan For Two to Three Days

As Joel Chillner watched a Youtube video of an enormous wave of water inundating Japanese farmland, he vowed that he would do something to help. A minute later, he sat back in his chair, looking in satisfaction at his new Facebook status, in which he said the tsunami “totally sucks” and he “really really REALLY hopes those people are ok, or at least know how to surf.”

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Chillner is like many Americans who see disasters unfolding around the world and feel helpless. What can he do from so far away?

Fortunately, the internet has made it much easier for people like Chillner to do something to help people in need, or at least feel like they have done something to help people in need.

Shortly after the first waves hit Japan, celebrities were encouraging their Twitter followers to donate $10 via text. Depending on how extensive the damage turns out to be, the people of Japan may even rate a celebrity telethon.

Joseph Blocko, accountant, says, “I gave several days of my undivided attention to those poor people suffering because of the Gulf oil spill. I’m glad it all turned out all right.”

Increasingly Annoyed Christ Delays Rapture Yet Again

One cannot blame the Son of God for his angry outburst yesterday when he learned that another group of Christians are claiming to know when the Rapture will occur.

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“What part of neither the day, nor the hour of my second coming is so hard to get?” said Jesus Christ, as he ripped up another calendar. “It’s right there. If you miss it in Matthew, keep reading, cause it’s in Mark too! I mean Me-dammit!”

According to the Bible, humans are not able to predict the day or time of the Rapture, an eagerly awaited event by evangelical Christians. On this day, believers in Christ will be raptured—taken—from Earth to begin their eternal life with their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This event has been eagerly awaited since Christ was crucified over two thousand years ago. According to the story, he came back to life after three days and ascended into heaven after promising to return.

He must, however, time his return for a date which nobody can guess, according to Matthew 25:13 – “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”

“First I was going to come back in 1988, but some guy figured it out and started selling books,” said Christ. “He even had 88 reasons. Of course he was right, but once he guessed it, I had to reschedule. It’s like the book Catch-22: Once someone guesses it, it’s no longer right.”