Masochist Loves New Job as AOL Support Technician

James Johnson, a nineteen year old student at the University of Arizona, was just like any college student, scrambling to find the money to pay for books, babes, and beer. He felt that taking a job doing tech support for America Online would help. Little did he know that the job would bring out the masochist hidden inside him.

[caption id="attachment_489" align="alignright" width="269" caption="Five Days and Counting!"][/caption]

In only his first day on the job, he encountered prime examples of some of the clueless denizens of the internet, AOL customers. However, since he takes pleasure from the pain of repeating himself over and over and over, along with his flair for sarcasm, he decided this might just be the job for him.

What follows are some transcripts of Johnson's calls:

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Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - Hi, my screen name is ChadNobleRoxors23, and I have a problem.

Johnson - Well, Mister Noble, is that your name?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well, I'd prefer if you call me Bob.

Johnson - Sure...um...Bob. What's the problem?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - My screen seems to have been burned in

Johnson - By burned in, you mean that an image is always on your monitor, no matter what page you go to?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Yes.

Johnson - Well sir, I'd suggest that you call the monitor company, we do not provide support for monitors, only connection to the internet and software in large quantities. Off the record though, [whispers] I think you need to buy a new monitor.

ChadNobleRoxors23 - I can't afford one, and if my mom sees this, I'm dead.

Johnson - What's the picture of?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well it's a picture of a guy and a...umm...goat.

Johnson - Thank you for calling AOL and have a nice day....goat fucker!

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Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - I have an emergency! My child has swallowed an AOL CD!

Johnson - What the...how...is that even possible? How big is your child's mouth? [barely audible] Dude, Fred, listen to this one!

Customer - What do I do!?

Johnson - Ok, go to your library and pick up a book by Charles Darwin called Origin of Species, and read section 4, entitled Survival of the Fittest.

Customer - Does that tell me how to get the CD out?

Johnson - It sure does. Thank you for calling AOL, and have a great day!

Atkins Diet Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster

Written by Jake Novak

(New York) The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the Atkins diet.




"Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store," but it not so bad; people been sending me maannnny cookies... ha ha ha," Mr. Monster added.

Police say the victim was tricked each time by the Atkins insurgents posing as cookie delivery men.

"We told him to at least look through the peep hole every time someone knocks on his door, but apparently he goes into some kind of mania every time he hears the word 'cookie,' said Lt. Abby Van Buren of the 27th Precinct.

Dick Cheney Throws Away Deferment Letters in Angry Protest

Written by Jake Novak

(Washington, DC) A defiant Vice President Dick Cheney, who avoided military service in Vietnam with five separate student deferments from 1959-1969, threw away his deferment letters today in a pro-Vietnam War protest organized by several Bush Administration officials who never actually fought in the war.




"This is more than just a symbolic gesture," shouted Cheney over a bullhorn on the White House lawn, "this is our way of saying we reject the failed policies of the Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon administrations who all saw fit to listen to petty excuses and not send people like us to defend our country 40 years ago. We were able to fight, our country needed us, and just because we weren't willing and had the money to cheat the system was no reason not to make us go!" he added.