Senator Signs Endorsement Deal with GM

Newly-elected Senator Scott Brown has become famous for coming out of nowhere to win the Massachussetts Senate seat held for decades by the late Ted Kennedy. In addition to winning a seat long held by his opponent's party, Brown became the poster child for the Republican plan for the 2010 elections. While many feel that his victory is priceless, General Motors decided that the Brown name did have a dollar value and announced him as the first in what they hope will be a stable of professional lawmakers to publicly represent the GM brand.

[caption id="attachment_676" align="alignright" width="250" caption="See, GM is helping already!"][/caption]

GM spokesman Robert Jackson said, "We are very excited to welcome such a hot, new name into the General Motors family. As Tiger Woods showed the industry, you can't be too careful whom you choose as spokespeople. The General Motors brand is a lion of America, just like the state of Massachusetts."

When asked if they were concerned about "skeletons in the closet," Jackson answered, "No, not at all. We hired the same vetting team John McCain used to investigate Sarah Palin. They assured us everything is fine."

The deal was made possible because of the recent 5-4 Supreme Court ruling that ruled that corporations can spend as much as they want on political advertisements. While they cannot contribute directly to individual campaigns, they can do things like run advertisements either for the candidate they support or against the candidate they oppose.

While concrete terms of the deal have not been released, it appears that Brown will wear a small, tasteful, GM lapel pin, although the company source stressed that the pin would not be worn above the flag pin.

Woman Denied Health Coverage After Chance Encounter with Jack Bauer

Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn't smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare's customer service line to find out why her application was declined.

[caption id="attachment_670" align="alignright" width="300"] You guys are SO dead.[/caption]

"They said something about a Jack Bauer or something," says Jackson. "I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don't know any Jack Bauer…oh wait...I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, 'This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!' I think he said something about running out of time. That's the only time I've ever been close to the man, so I don't know what's going on here."

Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a "pre-existing condition." Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.

As Member of the Press, Palin Barred From Own Speaking Engagement

Editor's Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.

When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska's top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network's stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.

[caption id="attachment_665" align="alignright" width="202" caption="But she's so pretty!"][/caption]

However, Palin's decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.

Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers' pieces on her Facebook page.

Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy.

GMAC CEO Hesitant to Ask Treasury for Pony

With public opinion strongly against government handouts for corporations, GMAC CEO Michael Carpenter finds himself in the precarious position of rebuilding a company while remaining conscious of the public's view of his actions. When word leaked that some of the companies that were taking bailout money from the government were distributing lavish bonuses, confidence plummeted while stock in pitchforks soared. Therefore, when a GMAC senior executive asked for a pony for his daughter, Carpenter was placed in a tough position.

[caption id="attachment_661" align="alignright" width="300" caption="See, look how much smaller that is than a pony"][/caption]

"We just received 3.79 Billion dollars from the government, or as it's being described, from the taxpayers, even though the checks say United States Treasury, Carpenter said."That is different, that is something we needed.  A pony is going to be looked at as an extravagance. We can't afford the public backlash if this story gets out."

Part of the problem with the pony requisition is that, unlike the billions of dollars from the government, you can't pay back a pony. "Even though it's only $1000, everyone can imagine a pony. People can't really imagine 3 Billion dollars, so it's much easier to make it sound like no big deal."

Passenger Sneaks Effective and Efficient Security System Through Airport Security

As fears over airport security are exacerbated by recent attempted attacks, security officials attempt to make the public feel that a trip to the airport is a reasonably safe venture. Because of this, the news of yet another security breach will surely raise cause Transportation Security Administration officials to increase their antacid intake.

[caption id="attachment_654" align="alignright" width="292" caption="She ain't packing bombs, but she's packing something dangerous, you know what I mean?"][/caption]

Yesterday, word began to leak of a security breach in which an unknown man concealed a working airport screening system in a false bottom of one of his suitcases. While such an incident seems difficult to believe because of the system's immense bulk, TSA officials have been quick to point out that A.) it was a very large suitcase and B.) screeners have never seen an effective and efficient security system.

"I found the extra compartment in his suitcase, but I ain't never seen one of them things before," said TSA worker Jim Lacee. "He said it was some kind of particle accelerator called the Large Apron Colander or something like that. He did look like he could be a scientist, so I let him go through. Plus, it was almost break time."

Top Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven in 2009 - Complete List

Editor's Note: I decided to break up the list into one item per day so I could provide more content for each item. Now that the list is complete, here is the complete list on one page for your reading pleasure.

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - Honorable Mentions

Honorable Mentions: Here are a few of the things that nearly made the list.

Twi-hards – Aside from being responsible for the explosion in vampire movies, television shows, children's toys, and breakfast cereals, Twilight has spawned a legion of obsessed women. Being a Lost fan, I know what it's like to be obsessed over something that other people find foolish. However, there is a bit of a disturbing issue with Twilight that I did not see reported in any major media outlet that covered the phenomenon. Taylor Lautner is seventeen years old. Grown men counting down the days until an attractive female celebrity turns eighteen? Pedophiles. Forty-year-old women screaming when Taylor Lautner takes his shirt of in the movie? Completely acceptable.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven - #1. Jersey Shore

1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.

Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. "Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?" Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson's nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won't someone think of the children?

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #2. Jon and Kate

2. Jon and Kate – As I mentioned in #4, I hate reality television. Nobody cares about the people involved in the shows; the only concern is ratings. It is not often that child abuse is shown on national television, but TLC decided to bravely forge ahead with a new era of exploitation. For starters, there is a reason that humans very rarely have a large number of children at one time. Before having a large number of children at one time meant getting your own reality show, there was no way to financially support such a suddenly large family unless you were very wealthy. It is irresponsible and completely unfair to the children to choose to have such a large number of children at one time.

According to all sources I could find, the couple used an artificial fertility method because of a fertility problem with one of them. They didn't plan on having six children, but when they found out that's what was going to happen, the reportedly said, "no way!" to reduction. This is hypocrisy at its finest. Going against God, nature, or whatever you want to call it to become pregnant: Completely acceptable. Limiting the number of children: Completely unacceptable. You don't get to have it both ways; you're playing God.