Saturday, September 27, 2003

Hate Email for "Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable"

Click here to read the original article


Look. I don't know who Emily or Brian or Brad are and I'm sure this thing is just for laughs, but the person you put there as "Emily" is me and I don't appreciate you using me for your sick humor. Leave me the fuck alone, ok? Get a life and if you want to make people laugh, don't use other people you don't even know. I'm sure you don't realize it, but stuff like that may hurt other people. I'm also sure you don't care, but if no one has said anything, I figured someone should. Fuck you.

Kori

Our response:

My, My, that's some foul language for a lady. Maybe you should not focus on the internet, but rather a finishing school. I can recommend some, my older sister used to curse profusely and have sex with dogs, but after going to Madame Lenoir's Finishing School for Slutty Chicks, she is the epitome of a lady.

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

ACLU Praises Sniper For Equal Opportunity Killings

The American Civil Liberties Union, the militant branch of the ultra left wing, announced yesterday that the "Beltway Sniper" is the 2002 recipient of their Equal Opportunity Killer Of The Year Award, receiving more than four times as many votes as the second place finisher, the unfortunately named "Crack Whore Killer".

ACLU head Wanda Kopkin explained the organization's controversial decision: "We understand that some people think that we are bringing undue attention to this crazy killer. Here at the ACLU, we believe that he should be commended for his commitment to racial and sexual equality among his victims."

The Rev. Jesse Jackson also lauded the killer: "This man or woman has no set profile for his victims, utilizes no quota, just plain, straightforward, random killing."

"The ACLU should be ashamed of themselves," said an unnamed CNN programming executive. "They are glorifying this crazy killer - praising the sniper for not targeting a specific type of victim? That's just sensationalist reporting taken to the extreme."

Unfortunately the executive could not provide further comment, as he was trying frantically to finalize a graphic for their new "Could YOU Be The Next Sniper Victim?" story.

Many Americans think that the media has made the sniper into more of a celebrity than he deserves.

"I mean, he's only striking from around a hundred yards away, that's not the mark of a true sniper," said former Marine sniper Bill Merrin. "If I was going around killing random people, I would definitely be way more accurate than this clown."

Merrin added, "Plus, tarot cards? That's so gay."

Boy Scouts Set To Execute Retarded Scout

Written by Randall Kensington

Port Orchard, Wash. - Eagle Scout Josh Jameson has earned 37 merit badges, worked more than 1,000 hours of community service and helps lead a Boy Scout troop in his hometown.

[caption id="attachment_375" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The scout leaders plan to follow the execution with a campfire"]The scout leaders plan to follow the execution with a campfire[/caption]



But the 19-year-old has another distinction - one that warrants his death: He's retarded.

Last week, Jameson was given seven days by the Boy Scout's regional executive to get un-retarded to comply with Boy Scout policy, or be tortured and executed on public television. The official and Jameson were to talk again this week about the scout's decision, although a definitive date has not been set.

"We've asked him time and time again -- quit being so friggin'... retarded! Do whatever you need to do to get that IQ above 80 or you're dead," said Brad Farmer, the Scout executive of the Chief Seattle Council of the Boy Scouts. "If he decides to stay retarded then he does not meet the standards of membership and therefore we can kill him. It's all in the contract."

As a private orginzation, the Boy Scouts are permitted to exclude certain people from membership. The organization reserves its right to execute Negroes, Spics, Ugly People, Chicks, Fat Kids, Fags, Camel Jockeys and Retards.

Jameson, brother of world-renowned adult film star Jenna Jameson, said "Duh... um like... hehe," when asked about his plans. He then had a spasm in his arm and drooled a little.

The issue arose about three weeks ago when Jameson got into an argument with a Scout Leader about who got the last popsicle at a picnic. Raised voices turned to shouting, shouting turned to yelling, and yelling turned to screaming. "I finally said 'Oh shut up, you retard!'," says the Scout Leader, who wished to remain anonymous, "and he didn't say 'No I'm not', so we took that as admission to being retarded. First chicks want to vote and now this. What is the world coming to?" Farmer's office soon contacted Jameson to discuss the issue.

The issue has surfaced before. In 1998, 16-year-old William Robbins, who was discovered to be black after 6 years in the organization, was tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged 500 miles on the way to a group camping trip by his Troup Leader. The Supreme Court approved of the action due to the Boy Scouts' status as a private organization.

Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable

When Emily joined "Bangme.net", an internet picture rating site that was referred to her by her friend Kathleen, she was still under the assumption (instilled since birth on her psyche by her mother) that she was the best looking girl in the world. When she logged on to the site a few days later to check her rating, all her illusions were shattered, to the point where she wanted to slash her wrists with the jagged pieces of her broken heart.

[caption id="attachment_365" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Emily almost pulled off the coup of the online dating world"]Emily almost pulled off the coup of the online dating world[/caption]

Bangme.net is a site, similar to several other online projects, where people can post their picture and rate images that others have posted. A large amount of people visit the site to feel better about themselves, because, lets face it - some people are pretty fucking ugly.

Having never had sex, Emily says that she has plans to one day, and that bangme.net "seemed to be a very good way to meet wholesome people" who would see her for her inner beauty, which is enormous (interestingly enough, so is her frame).

Emily decided that her life could not be considered complete until she had achieved a rating of at least 50%, which in her mind would make her "bangable".

At this point of the story is where Adobe Photoshop entered into the visual equation. Emily asked friend Brian K. White, a graphic designer who runs the internet website Glossy News, to touch up her picture to make her more attractive.

White talks about the process: "At first I thought she was kidding. When I realized that she was serious, I told her that there was only so much I can do, I mean you can't turn a Yugo into a Ferrari. When she burst into tears and grabbed the butcher knife in the kitchen, I told her I was only...um...kidding. Yep, what a big kidder I am! Ha ha! Say, can you put down the knife, sweetie?"

[caption id="attachment_366" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Emily's knight in ugly armor"]Emily's knight in ugly armor[/caption]

White realized that this wasn't just a minor touch-up, this transformation would be akin to making Keith Richards look alive. He broke out his copy of Photoshop and opened the picture that Emily provided. After 7 and a half hours, he hadn't gotten anywhere, and he was about to suggest a blind dating service, when he stumbled onto the solution. "I realized that if I fucked up the picture to the point where you couldn't even tell if the subject was human, there was a remote chance that somebody might want to have sex with her.

Using the message board aspect of the site, Emily found her current fiance Brad, who also used Photoshop to enhance his picture to "look sexy for all the hot ladies out there". When Emily met Brad, she discovered that he was just as ugly as she was, although one minute and thirty seconds later, she was no longer a virgin. Brian White is happy for his friend, and with the role that his computer skills played in helping her find true love.

"It's great that she found love, I'm so happy for her. But I've already told her that she better use birth control, I mean they're great people, but their bringing a child into the world would most likely bring upon the apocalypse."

Saturday, September 20, 2003

STD "Glitter" Reaching Epidemic Levels

Written by Brian K. White

At any given time the US Center for Disease Control is tracking the spread of as many as 85 sexually transmitted diseases ranging from monkey clap, genital ticks, corroso-gyne, to nasal gonnorhitis. This summer, however, glitter is fast becoming the epidemic in New England.

Most often contracted from young girls attending parties, glister is a shiny speckled disease comprised primarily of plastic and happiness. Glitter affects the appearance of skin on those infected and can also be carried on clothing or in small plastic vials available at any dollar store. Typically this glitter rubs off from the infected person to her partner during any sexual contact, even necking.

Robert Stewart, a high school senior, contracted glitter from a "slutty little sophomore" at his sister's birthday sleepover. "It was awful. We were just making out and talking and I was even wearing a condom already just in case and I wake up the next morning and I'm like 'Oh no, what did I do?'" Robert had glitter on his face and hands despite repeated washings before going to his nearby clinic for treatment. glitter

Dr Shaw at the Bellport Kiddy Pregnancy Clinic tells us, "We're seeing a lot of it this year. Thought it would be another summer for weeping cuticle sores, but no such luck. Kids come in here all sparkly and we don't even have to get the story, though we always do. Some of them are pretty messed up. I don't know, maybe it's my thing. So we just prescribe them lava soap, a loofa sponge, and send them on their way."

Infected persons usually revocer completely within 3-5 days of treatment, but if they don't wash out their clothes and bedding properly, it can come back faster than mexi-crabs at Cinqo de Mayo, and I think our readers pretty much all know about that first hand.

Despite it's epidemic growth and ease of spread, police are not concerned. Chief Kenny Ness spoke candidly with us, "Hey come on, boys want to gamble their chowder spouter's, that's their own deal. But in statutory rape cases glitter is more accurate than DNA in tracking who's been tapping who's little girls, you know? Parents in this community are glad their little cocksucker's got glitter."

Amanda Clark is a freshman at Mt. Holyoke College, and insists she's not a little cocksucker, though quite talented. "I'm glad it was glitter because as soon as [my boyfriend] came over I knew he'd been slumming his package around. Even though it was still in his hair and on his nose he tried to deny it. Said he must have caught it from a toilet seat or something."

We learn that Amanda's situation is not so uncommon. CDC officials are praising glitter for it's high visibility with their slogan "If can see, let him keep it," citing their difficulty in containing more illusive hump-nasties such as genital leprosy and the itchy sphincter syndrome. Both of those can be passed from partner to partner before the infected person will exhibit telltale signs such as absence of genitalia or a scratching at one's one sphincter.