Man Loses 125 Pounds By Divorcing Cheating Whore of a Wife

Everywhere New Haven, CT resident Max Whitcomb goes these days, his friends remark at how much weight he has lost. Everyone wants to know his secret, which he is quick to share. "I divorced that cheating bitch, Brenda".

[caption id="attachment_354" align="alignright" width="257" caption="She was a whore when she was sober, too"][/caption]

Whitcomb's loss of 125 pounds in the 5 seconds it took for him to sign the divorce papers is thought to be a new record. At press time, officials from the Guiness Book of World Records were unable to verify the feat against other weight loss achievements.

"She slept with half of the neighborhood", said Whitcomb. "She even nailed Rob and Jim, the gay couple that live down the street".

In other weight loss news recently, former Playboy model-current punchline Anna Nicole Smith has shed 50 pounds, although she still hasn't shed the "whale that used to be hot" image.

When asked for his comment on the astounding weight loss, diet guru Dr. Atkins's reply was silence followed by some bones shifting.

Trogdor Burninates California Countryside

Don't know who the hell Trogdor is? Click Here

The California countryside has been ablaze for the last 3 days, thanks to Trogdor, the "Burninator". The dragon-man had reportedly been spotted in the area over the past week, but no one had been able to conclusively prove his presence, or even his existence, until yesterday. A San Diego NBC 7/39 news crew captured the elusive beast in all his majesty about to burninate a few grass roof cottages in the Descanso area.

[caption id="attachment_359" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Trogdor, captured in mid-burnination"][/caption]

At least 200,000 acres have been burninated since Saturday night, with over a thousand homes destroyed. Strongbad, the man said to have created Trogdor, had this to say about his protege: "Ha! Trogdor strikes again!"

Descanso resident Jeremy Lovett was one of the few eyewitnesses to witness the animal in all his majesty. "My wife was looking out the window, and she said that there was something in our yard. I asked her what it was, and she said, 'it's a man...no, wait....it's a dragon-man, or maybe it's just a dragon.' Then my son yelled, 'It's Trogdor, the Burninator!' I asked him how he knew the beast's name, and he said he had no idea. Strange."

This isn't the first time that Trogdor has been blamed for illegal burninating. A die-hard Detroit Red Wings fan, he became incensed at the team's early exit from the playoffs last year, and destroyed 4 city blocks.

Lame-duck California Governor Gray Davis had some choice words for the dragon. "Just because you're all majestic and stuff, you can't just go around burninating things. There are rules in this society, sir, and the fact that you're a 2-dimensional cartoon does not excuse you from blame for the death and destruction you caused. Shame on you!" Davis then shook his finger angrily, and threatened to start a Trogdor smear campaign.

The latest plan to combat Trogdor's burninating rampage consists of Governor-elect Schwarzenegger, a helicoptor, a rocket lancher, a beautiful native woman, and a comic sidekick.

Marlins Defeat Yankees, Steinbrenner Buys Marlins

The New York Yankees lost Game Six of the World Series to the Florida Marlins, which gave the Florida team the title of Major League Baseball champions for the year 2003. The owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, decided not to wait till the end of the night to make any changes to his team, and announced that he had sold the New York team, and bought the Florida Marlins.

Steinbrenner announced that he had retained the rights to every player on the Yankee team, including Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Alfonso Soriano, and the unborn child of a scientific experiment between Roger Clemens and David Wells.

When asked if Steinbrenner had gone too far, Yankees fans responded: "How the fuck did we lose that series, we should have hit the shit out of that 'D-Train' bitch Dontrell Willis....wait, he's on the Yankees now? Holy shit, he's the fucking best pitcher I've ever fucking seen!

The "Yankee Switcheroo" has been seen before when Roger Clemens changed his nickname from "fucking BoSox Stupid Fucking Asshole" to "The Greatest Fucking Pitcher I've Ever Fucking Seen!"

Steinbrenner also bought a few other teams, most notably the Oakland A's, Minnesota Twins, and Boston Red Sox. According to reports, players on those teams were offered twice their salary to not play next year, and all in question eagerly accepted.

Bin Laden Calls For Red Sox Manager's Firing: CIA Says Tape Authentic

The United States government released the newest Osama Bin Laden audiotape today, and it turns out that the international terrorist is quite the baseball fan. Bin Laden had plenty to say about his favorite team, the Boston Red Sox, and makes it quite clear that he is not a fan of manager Grady Little.

An excerpt from the tape has Bin Laden saying, "OK, so you capitalist fuckers want proof that I'm still alive? Wait for Grady Little to die in a horrible car accident two weeks from today, you can just go ahead and attribute that to me right now."

CIA experts have been working around the clock, and are "95% sure" that the newest tape from the Al Quaeda terrorist organization leader is authentic. They say that Bin Laden not only made references to the Red Sox latest World Series close call, but also referred to the San Diego Chargers horrible season, although other sports experts have pointed out that predicting another disappointing series for the Chargers is akin to prognosticating that it will rain a lot in Seattle this year.

Many baseball experts have taken Little to task for his decision to leave a clearly tired Pedro Martinez in there against a veteran Yankees team. The Red Sox blew a 4-0 lead as well as a 5-2 lead with only 5 outs separating them from their first World Series appearance since 1986.

Bin Laden stated in the tape that he was all but retired from the internation terror business until Aaron Boone took the first pitch from Tim Wakefield far over the left field wall, to propel the Yankees into yet another World Series appearance for Major League Baseball's most storied franchise.

One of the only positives for Red Sox fans is that it seems that the apocalypse will be postponed until at least next October.

Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone

The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.

[caption id="attachment_362" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Here, honey. Blow into this"][/caption]

The "Drunk-Phone" comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly. If a high enough blood-alcohol level is measured, the phone is rendered useless.

A marketing survey shows that the vast majority of cell phone customers think that the new feature is a great idea for other people's phones, however they feel that it is unnecessary for themselves.

Jason Plimpton, a college student from San Diego State University, says it's a great idea. "That would certainly cut down on the number of drunk calls I get from my friends. I don't think that it should be mandatory though, I mean, It's not like I drunk call people."

"Jason, are you fucking kidding me?", responded his girlfriend, Kerry Stiles. You don't remember calling me at 2:30 in the morning last night saying that you killed a spider? And what about the time you called [Jason's ex-girlfriend of three years prior] Cynthia, and told her you loved her and wanted to come over and bang her? You were so drunk that you didn't realize I was standing right next to you!"

The "drunk call" feature will not be activated until midnight on weeknights, although it will be activated all weekend, since the vast majority of college students seem to view the time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning as "drunk time".

Hate Email for "Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable"

Click here to read the original article


Look. I don't know who Emily or Brian or Brad are and I'm sure this thing is just for laughs, but the person you put there as "Emily" is me and I don't appreciate you using me for your sick humor. Leave me the fuck alone, ok? Get a life and if you want to make people laugh, don't use other people you don't even know. I'm sure you don't realize it, but stuff like that may hurt other people. I'm also sure you don't care, but if no one has said anything, I figured someone should. Fuck you.

Kori

Our response:

My, My, that's some foul language for a lady. Maybe you should not focus on the internet, but rather a finishing school. I can recommend some, my older sister used to curse profusely and have sex with dogs, but after going to Madame Lenoir's Finishing School for Slutty Chicks, she is the epitome of a lady.

ACLU Praises Sniper For Equal Opportunity Killings

The American Civil Liberties Union, the militant branch of the ultra left wing, announced yesterday that the "Beltway Sniper" is the 2002 recipient of their Equal Opportunity Killer Of The Year Award, receiving more than four times as many votes as the second place finisher, the unfortunately named "Crack Whore Killer".

ACLU head Wanda Kopkin explained the organization's controversial decision: "We understand that some people think that we are bringing undue attention to this crazy killer. Here at the ACLU, we believe that he should be commended for his commitment to racial and sexual equality among his victims."

The Rev. Jesse Jackson also lauded the killer: "This man or woman has no set profile for his victims, utilizes no quota, just plain, straightforward, random killing."

"The ACLU should be ashamed of themselves," said an unnamed CNN programming executive. "They are glorifying this crazy killer - praising the sniper for not targeting a specific type of victim? That's just sensationalist reporting taken to the extreme."

Unfortunately the executive could not provide further comment, as he was trying frantically to finalize a graphic for their new "Could YOU Be The Next Sniper Victim?" story.

Many Americans think that the media has made the sniper into more of a celebrity than he deserves.

"I mean, he's only striking from around a hundred yards away, that's not the mark of a true sniper," said former Marine sniper Bill Merrin. "If I was going around killing random people, I would definitely be way more accurate than this clown."

Merrin added, "Plus, tarot cards? That's so gay."

Boy Scouts Set To Execute Retarded Scout

Written by Randall Kensington

Port Orchard, Wash. - Eagle Scout Josh Jameson has earned 37 merit badges, worked more than 1,000 hours of community service and helps lead a Boy Scout troop in his hometown.

[caption id="attachment_375" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The scout leaders plan to follow the execution with a campfire"][/caption]



But the 19-year-old has another distinction - one that warrants his death: He's retarded.

Last week, Jameson was given seven days by the Boy Scout's regional executive to get un-retarded to comply with Boy Scout policy, or be tortured and executed on public television. The official and Jameson were to talk again this week about the scout's decision, although a definitive date has not been set.

"We've asked him time and time again -- quit being so friggin'... retarded! Do whatever you need to do to get that IQ above 80 or you're dead," said Brad Farmer, the Scout executive of the Chief Seattle Council of the Boy Scouts. "If he decides to stay retarded then he does not meet the standards of membership and therefore we can kill him. It's all in the contract."

As a private orginzation, the Boy Scouts are permitted to exclude certain people from membership. The organization reserves its right to execute Negroes, Spics, Ugly People, Chicks, Fat Kids, Fags, Camel Jockeys and Retards.

Jameson, brother of world-renowned adult film star Jenna Jameson, said "Duh... um like... hehe," when asked about his plans. He then had a spasm in his arm and drooled a little.

The issue arose about three weeks ago when Jameson got into an argument with a Scout Leader about who got the last popsicle at a picnic. Raised voices turned to shouting, shouting turned to yelling, and yelling turned to screaming. "I finally said 'Oh shut up, you retard!'," says the Scout Leader, who wished to remain anonymous, "and he didn't say 'No I'm not', so we took that as admission to being retarded. First chicks want to vote and now this. What is the world coming to?" Farmer's office soon contacted Jameson to discuss the issue.

The issue has surfaced before. In 1998, 16-year-old William Robbins, who was discovered to be black after 6 years in the organization, was tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged 500 miles on the way to a group camping trip by his Troup Leader. The Supreme Court approved of the action due to the Boy Scouts' status as a private organization.

Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable

When Emily joined "Bangme.net", an internet picture rating site that was referred to her by her friend Kathleen, she was still under the assumption (instilled since birth on her psyche by her mother) that she was the best looking girl in the world. When she logged on to the site a few days later to check her rating, all her illusions were shattered, to the point where she wanted to slash her wrists with the jagged pieces of her broken heart.

[caption id="attachment_365" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Emily almost pulled off the coup of the online dating world"][/caption]

Bangme.net is a site, similar to several other online projects, where people can post their picture and rate images that others have posted. A large amount of people visit the site to feel better about themselves, because, lets face it - some people are pretty fucking ugly.

Having never had sex, Emily says that she has plans to one day, and that bangme.net "seemed to be a very good way to meet wholesome people" who would see her for her inner beauty, which is enormous (interestingly enough, so is her frame).

Emily decided that her life could not be considered complete until she had achieved a rating of at least 50%, which in her mind would make her "bangable".

At this point of the story is where Adobe Photoshop entered into the visual equation. Emily asked friend Brian K. White, a graphic designer who runs the internet website Glossy News, to touch up her picture to make her more attractive.

White talks about the process: "At first I thought she was kidding. When I realized that she was serious, I told her that there was only so much I can do, I mean you can't turn a Yugo into a Ferrari. When she burst into tears and grabbed the butcher knife in the kitchen, I told her I was only...um...kidding. Yep, what a big kidder I am! Ha ha! Say, can you put down the knife, sweetie?"

[caption id="attachment_366" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Emily's knight in ugly armor"][/caption]

White realized that this wasn't just a minor touch-up, this transformation would be akin to making Keith Richards look alive. He broke out his copy of Photoshop and opened the picture that Emily provided. After 7 and a half hours, he hadn't gotten anywhere, and he was about to suggest a blind dating service, when he stumbled onto the solution. "I realized that if I fucked up the picture to the point where you couldn't even tell if the subject was human, there was a remote chance that somebody might want to have sex with her.

Using the message board aspect of the site, Emily found her current fiance Brad, who also used Photoshop to enhance his picture to "look sexy for all the hot ladies out there". When Emily met Brad, she discovered that he was just as ugly as she was, although one minute and thirty seconds later, she was no longer a virgin. Brian White is happy for his friend, and with the role that his computer skills played in helping her find true love.

"It's great that she found love, I'm so happy for her. But I've already told her that she better use birth control, I mean they're great people, but their bringing a child into the world would most likely bring upon the apocalypse."

STD "Glitter" Reaching Epidemic Levels

Written by Brian K. White

At any given time the US Center for Disease Control is tracking the spread of as many as 85 sexually transmitted diseases ranging from monkey clap, genital ticks, corroso-gyne, to nasal gonnorhitis. This summer, however, glitter is fast becoming the epidemic in New England.

Most often contracted from young girls attending parties, glister is a shiny speckled disease comprised primarily of plastic and happiness. Glitter affects the appearance of skin on those infected and can also be carried on clothing or in small plastic vials available at any dollar store. Typically this glitter rubs off from the infected person to her partner during any sexual contact, even necking.

Robert Stewart, a high school senior, contracted glitter from a "slutty little sophomore" at his sister's birthday sleepover. "It was awful. We were just making out and talking and I was even wearing a condom already just in case and I wake up the next morning and I'm like 'Oh no, what did I do?'" Robert had glitter on his face and hands despite repeated washings before going to his nearby clinic for treatment.

Dr Shaw at the Bellport Kiddy Pregnancy Clinic tells us, "We're seeing a lot of it this year. Thought it would be another summer for weeping cuticle sores, but no such luck. Kids come in here all sparkly and we don't even have to get the story, though we always do. Some of them are pretty messed up. I don't know, maybe it's my thing. So we just prescribe them lava soap, a loofa sponge, and send them on their way."

Infected persons usually revocer completely within 3-5 days of treatment, but if they don't wash out their clothes and bedding properly, it can come back faster than mexi-crabs at Cinqo de Mayo, and I think our readers pretty much all know about that first hand.

Despite it's epidemic growth and ease of spread, police are not concerned. Chief Kenny Ness spoke candidly with us, "Hey come on, boys want to gamble their chowder spouter's, that's their own deal. But in statutory rape cases glitter is more accurate than DNA in tracking who's been tapping who's little girls, you know? Parents in this community are glad their little cocksucker's got glitter."

Amanda Clark is a freshman at Mt. Holyoke College, and insists she's not a little cocksucker, though quite talented. "I'm glad it was glitter because as soon as [my boyfriend] came over I knew he'd been slumming his package around. Even though it was still in his hair and on his nose he tried to deny it. Said he must have caught it from a toilet seat or something."

We learn that Amanda's situation is not so uncommon. CDC officials are praising glitter for it's high visibility with their slogan "If can see, let him keep it," citing their difficulty in containing more illusive hump-nasties such as genital leprosy and the itchy sphincter syndrome. Both of those can be passed from partner to partner before the infected person will exhibit telltale signs such as absence of genitalia or a scratching at one's one sphincter.

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Ex-Lax Spokesman Typecast As "Constipation Guy"

Liam Jefferson is a typical struggling actor, working as a waiter in Los Angeles until his big break arrives. Two months earlier, what looked to be a golden opportunity has turned into an actor's worst nightmare. Jefferson has been typecast - as the "Constipation Guy".

Liam had caught the eye of a casting agent who needed a fresh face to pitch Ex-Lax, the anti-constipation drug. Handsome and young, Jefferson was just the actor to "push our monopoly of anal relaxation products," stated agent Kevin Lockery.

At one point in the series of ads, Jefferson is depicted standing in front of a waterfall with his "wife". In the background is a waterfall. When Jefferson's "wife" tells the viewers at home about Liam's "stomach problems", digital trickery is used to make the waterfall appear to stop.

Several weeks after the ad aired for the first time, a young child stopped Liam on the street and asked him if he "had a waterfall in his ass".

That was only the beginning of the trouble for Liam, who cannot get an acting job outside of the niche of "personal hygiene product" advertisements.

Jefferson laments, "Just like Merideth Baxter Birney has been typecast as the "Lifetime movie chick", and Traci Lords has been typecast as the "chick that can take 4 dudes at once", so am I burdened with forever being the "constipation guy".

Hate Email for "The Two Towers? Have They No Shame?"

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The Article written by Janice Kellerman is the most ignorant thing I have ever heard. For one person to be so stupid I can understand but putiing that online draws the line. Also J.K. Rowling did not write the book ok it was the great JRR Tolkiens who wrote it.his books are classics. The Two Towers book and movie was made before 9/11. It has no relationship to 9/11 at all. I must say that somepeople will do anything to get attention these days even if tears down someone elses reputiation. Well I am setting you guys straight right here. I request that you retract the article there is no terriost connection and no arabs in the movie. Lord of the Rings is the greatest Fantasy story of all time read the books see the movie or aleast do research before you write your next article. Also I was offend by the statement "We should just ban all arab-looking people from airplanes, problem solved!" I may not be arab but I have friends that are and I know that they are good people. I dont like that you think we should ban arabs you are a racist. I am one of the many proud americans that hate people like you for your stupidity. People like you give our country a bad name. I hope you have the guts to respond. But probally not your and evryone that works for your paper are Jackasses. With much disgust, M. King

Our reply:

The Two Towers? Have They No Shame?

Written by Janice Kellerman: Concerned Mother

I just talked to my friend Sheila and I could not believe what my ears were hearing! Apparantly, New Line Cinema has never heard of a little thing I like to call tact, since they are promoting a new movie called The Two Towers - an obvious reference to the World Trade Center's "Twin Towers" which were destroyed in the terrorist attacks last September.

[caption id="attachment_457" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Due to sensitivity, the WTC buildings will be digitally erased from this picture"][/caption]

My friend told me that there was a book that J.K. Rowlings wrote that is the basis for the movie. I thought that her Harry Potter books were so wonderful that I couldn't believe that she would take advantage of such an ammoral tragedy such as the WTC bombings as inspiration for a literary work!

Then I was informed that the movie was a sequel to last years film "The Fellowship of the Ring", which I enjoyed - despite the homosexual wizard. It's the new millenium, so I guess I have to change with the times, and if sorcerors are deciding to live deviant lifestyles, I'll have to get used to it.

The previews that I have seen for these movies really make my case for me. There is an army of dirty monsters leading an assault on a tall building, obviously depicting the arab terrorists attacking one of our tallest buildings. Even the scene of a Vulcan shooting arrows to keep the monsters at bay seems to be a suggestion by the filmmakers that we install Surface To Air missiles on tall buildings in case any more planes are hijacked, which I think is absurd. We should just ban all arab-looking people from airplanes, problem solved!

So when your son or daughter wants to go see the movie The Two Towers, tell them that you're being a good parent by not letting them go. Sometimes you have to do things as a parent that aren't popular with your kids. This is one of those times. Stand tall America, for if we go patronize this movie - the terrorists have won.