What if PBS' ratings go down?

Alex Jones thinks juice boxes are making kids gay

I don't typically re-post things from Facebook here, but I spend a lot of time on this, and I felt like giving it its own page. My friends posted this video from Alex Jones, talking about how juice boxes are making kids gay.



I wrote a very short story as a response. This is fiction.

When I was growing up, I loved girls. Girls, girls, girls, I just couldn't get enough. Sometimes, when Jenny Shanka would wear those red shorts when it was hot out and she would have to lean forward to get the papers to pass back to me, my desk raised up about 3 inches. And stayed there. 

That was before I knew about juice boxes. I used to get milk with my lunch. Then, one day, I forgot money to get milk. My friend Jim gave me his Capri Sun. I popped the straw in the foil hole, well more like fumbled around with trying to get the straw into that goddamn little hole for five minutes. Finally, I could take it no longer. I ripped the top open with my teeth and slurped the juice into my parched mouth.

I looked at Jim. "Thank you," I said. I could barely get out the second syllable because I was awestruck by his eyes. They were so blue. He said it was no problem, and I saw his dimples for the first time. How had I missed these dents of perfection for all these years? I was a mess of emotions. I had heard the rumors about juice boxes, and how once you go juice, you like it in the caboose, but those were just boys being boys while flicking each other with towels in the locker room. Right?

Right?

In physics, Jenny was wearing the red shorts. Not only that, but I swear she had rolled the legs up an extra inch. For me? Dare I dream? Bobby Jacobs, the guy who sat in front of Jenny, was absent, so Jenny stood up and bent over as far as she could to grab the paper. As she did, she looked over her shoulder at me. And winked. I quickly slammed my hands on my desk, knowing that if I didn't, it would hit the ceiling. She touched the corner of her mouth with her tongue and slowly brought it to the other side. When she handed me the stack of papers, her hand lingered on mine for a second that seemed to last as long as a...

Second. I felt nothing. My desk stayed still. What had happened? 

I didn't know what to feel. My world was crashing down around me. I looked over at Jim. He smiled at me. 

My desk moved.

New TV Show Pitches

If Here Comes Honey Boo Boo can be a show, I can create a show too. Here are some ideas.

Because, come on. Everyone wants to get sex advice from the Dowager Countess.

From the creators of Lost comes a time-travel romantic comedy where if you don't fit in, just jump to a different time! Just watch for nosebleeds.

Even AIG wouldn't insure this show.

Congress proposes “Sanctity of Gun Life” law

A Glock handgun lies on a hardwood floor, its black matte finish speckled with crimson. A somber crime scene investigator carefully picks it up and places it into a plastic bag marked “EVIDENCE.”  The soldier to whom the gun belonged is placed into his own bag, the ragged sound of the zipper being pulled up bringing a harsh sense of finality to the room, where in the corner his girlfriend sits, in too much shock to cry.

The soldier, who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, is taken away by the coroner. But what happens to the gun? It was an unwilling participant in this suburban tragedy, like the seventeenth pill in a bottle or a length of rope.

If Congress has its way, this gun will not remain homeless, its new plastic home lining a shelf in some evidence warehouse. It will certainly not face the gun death penalty, destruction after a family member of the deceased does not want to give it a good home.

No, this gun will be able to find a second life, protecting its new owner.

“When a gun is created, we believe that it deserves protection from the moment that gun’s manufacturing process begins,” said bill co-sponsor Steve King (R-IA). “From the moment the material hits the mold, that is a life, afforded all due protections under the law.”

Another of the bill’s co-sponsors thinks the law is a natural extension of Biblical principles.

“In the Bible, Jesus said to turn the other cheek,” said Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). “He also said that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If we retaliate against these innocent guns, who did nothing but work the way they were created, we are just as guilty of destruction as the person who pulled the trigger.”