Olympic Search Committee Leaves New York: Homeless People, Knicks Allowed to Return

Written by Jake Novak

After a week of putting its best foot forward for the 2012 Summer Games Olympic Search Committee, New York City is letting its guard down and allowing its more embarrassing elements, like homeless people and the Knicks, to return.

[caption id="attachment_472" align="alignright" width="350" caption="Maybe we can pawn the rings for crack!"][/caption]

"Well, we didn't want the IOC to see a bunch of bums on the streets, and we also didn't want them to notice the homeless people either," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a news conference after leaving the Olympic search team off at JFK Airport. "And it's a good thing the Oscars are this weekend, because that helped most of our abusive celebrities decide to spend the whole week in L.A.," he added.

City Hall officials admitted to a well-planned effort to get the homeless and the Knicks players out of the search committee's view.

"Well, with the homeless we just gave them all a bottle of malt liquor and bus ticket to Scranton. The Knicks were a little trickier, until we found out we could get them to scatter simply by telling them they were all about to be served with paternity suits," said Deputy Mayor Dan Doctoroff. "Man, you should have seen those players run like hell when we brought that lawyer into the locker room."

But there appears to be some long-term planning as well, according to WCBS-TV political reporter Andrew Kirtzman.

"This wasn't all last-minute. First, the city was careful to invite the IOC to come only on the days of the week when Rosie O'Donnell is usually getting or recovering from liposuction. Second, they did it in the dead of winter when the Mets are safely down in Florida," said Kirtzman.

But the city is hoping there will be no hard feelings, and has already welcomed many of its temporary exiles back home.

"Last night, we let the Knicks back into Madison Square Garden and we arranged hotel rooms for twice the number of ho's they usually bring into midtown on a week night," Bloomberg said. "And as for the homeless, we're just letting them roam free on Staten Island. After a few days, their smell will be indiscernible from everything else over there," he explained.

The IOC will make its decision about the 2012 Summer Games site later this year.

Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

[caption id="attachment_184" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet "][/caption]









“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.

FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Last year, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the hands of Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show created an outrage among families nation wide. Most were enraged that Jackson's breast was shown on national television for a fraction of a second, while others were just shocked that a member of the Jackson family was asked to play at the halftime show.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="275" caption="Your FCC approved halftime show"][/caption]

This year, organizers have decided to go with a "safer" act by having former Beatles member Paul McCartney perform.

The FCC (Fascist Communists Commission) does not think that simply having a family friendly artist perform is enough of a guarantee that children will not catch a flash of a nipple, a sight that would normally involve the child lifting up their own shirt in front of a mirror or other reflective object.

Paul McCartney will be required to have a metal codpiece sewn to the inside of his pants. The pants will then be surgically sutured to his thighs, to ensure minimum chance of a body part being exposed. The FCC has reluctantly allowed McCartney to flash the piece sign, but only a maximum of three times. The reasoning for this is that of course the sign could be interpreted as "the finger" by viewers with poor vision.

(Ed. Note: The FCC has ordered The Fake News to change the phrase "viewers with poor vision" from the last paragraph to "viewers whose lack of optimal vision is made up by their other contributions to society" or face a fine of $10,000.)

In a related story, Levitra will be allowed to advertise during the Super Bowl again, since explaining "erectile disfunction" or "6 hour erection" is nowhere near as awkward for a parent as explaining that women have nipples.

When reached for comment, Paul McCartney was upset, since he was hoping to unveil his new silver penis shield.