Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #3. Sarah Palin

3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant – Anyone who knows me knows that I hate reality television. The original concept was intriguing, but it quickly became apparent that "reality" television was just improv using untrained actors who moonlight as horrible human beings. Most shows have devolved into a game of constant one-upmanship: How many douchebags can we fit in a house, and how much prodding do they need to act like assholes? I'm not interested in that, as I can just go down to a club at the Jersey Shore if I want to see that.  Oh wait…

In addition to the tried-and-true method of confined douchebag assembly, a newer variation of reality shows have emerged, focused on extreme situations. In the same way that paterntiy suit participants on the Maury Povich Show have increased the reliability of their claims (I think the current standard is "I am 10,000% sure that ain't my baby!"), these shows have become more and more ridiculous. This year's "Ow! My Balls!" award for most ridiculous reality show goes to our number four entry: "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #5. Teabaggers

5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in the beginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.

Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let's take a look at the abbreviated timeline:

Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: "Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?"

Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: "Go get those WMDs!" later amended to "Saddam is a bad man" later amended to "You'll take our democracy if you know what's good for you!"

Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.

Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: "Oh, hell no!"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #6. Glenn Beck

6. Glenn Beck – I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Glenn Beck is Stephen Colbert without the winking nod, an Andy Kaufman for our time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to pretend that he believes what he says, and is either out to make money off of dupes or is the greatest IRL troll of our generation.

For the time being, I'm going to go along with the notion that he's serious. His inclusion on the list represents not only him, but other talk radio and Fox News personalities, like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter – The Axis of Idiocy.

A problem arises because it's difficult to put these people into the same category. For example, I think Sean Hannity truly believes what he says. He has had brain surgery to turn off the part of his brain that stops your mouth from moving when you know you're saying something that makes no sense. Ann Coulter, however, says whatever she feels will cause the most controversy and make her the most money. The level of idiocy is comparable, but the intent is different. But, even with all this competition, Glenn Beck has emerged as the group's Cryer-in-Chief.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #7. Balloon Boy

7. Balloon Boy – This story had everything I hate about our society. Parents who give their children ridiculous names (Did you name your kid after a Midwest state? You might as well install a pole in her bedroom so she can get some practice for her future career), the twenty-four hour news cycle that values exclusive "information" over verified facts, and reality television, which will appear in future installments of this list.

Of course, it's not every day that you get to watch a bag of Jiffy Pop soar majestically through the air like some kind of large bird like an eagle or something. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, Falcon. That was my first clue that the kid wasn't really in the balloon. Well, that and the use of my eyes to visually acquire information about the size and shape of the balloon, which then sent the information to my brain to process and send a signal to my mouth to say "WTFuck?! You're seriously trying to tell me there's a kid riding in that? Where? Does he have Saddam's WMDs with him? Is he riding on an invisible unicorn under the balloon?"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #8 Jennifer Aniston

8. Jennifer Aniston – This one is tough. I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I liked her in Friends. She seems like a likeable person. Yet, there's a problem. She's on at least one magazine cover every time I go to the supermarket. But, it's not just that. It's always a variation of "Jen: True Love, Finally!" and "Jen: Heartbroken After xxxxxx Dumps Her!" This repeats anew every so often, typically when she has a movie coming out. This leads me to believe that I have successfully mapped the Jennifer Aniston dating cycle.

1. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.

2. They go out on one date. The guy has a very nice time and plans to see her again.

3. Her publicist calls every magazine and tells them all about the date, providing exclusive information to each magazine.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #9. The Snuggie

9. The Snuggie - On the one hand, I have to hand it to the person who invented the Snuggie. Not since the Pet Rock has someone made so much money selling something so ridiculous.

It Looks Ridiculous – There's a reason that people hadn't made wearable blankets before. It's one of those ideas that sounds great in theory, but looks ridiculous in actuality. "Wouldn't it be great if I could experience the warmth of a blanket, without having to worry about it falling off when I move about?" Yeah, I guess it would. I also wish I could experience that level of warmth throughout daily life, but it would look ludicrous for me to drive around with a blanket on. It looks no less ridiculous walking around your house.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

It's Facebook, not YourKidBook. We realize that being a parent is something new and exciting for everyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being happy and proud of your children, in fact, it's great that you care so much about them. However, remember that you feel that way because they're your children. Do you find yourself thinking, "If only my friends would tell me all about their kids in every Facebook status" or "I wish I got daily pictures of other people's kids?" No. There's a reason you don't think that. Also, you're not the first person to be pregnant. All that stuff you complain about? It's happened to every pregnant person ever.

Senate Democrats Look to Single-Player System For Health Care Reform

After months of rancorous debate, the health care reform process seems destined for failure. Senate Republicans are united in their opposition of any type of reform bill and Senate Democrats regret their decision to reconcile with Senator Joe Lieberman. However, a meeting of top Senate Democrats took place behind closed doors late last night, and, according to an anonymous source, a compromise was reached that may bring affordable health care reform to everyone. Better yet, it's amazingly simple. In short: Single Player Health Care.

[caption id="attachment_590" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Don't worry, in a few seconds all that annoying blood spatter will go away"][/caption]

The Senators have decided to incorporate the fast healing technology seen in the popular video game "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2." In the game, as long as the soldier is able to duck behind cover for several seconds, he completely heals. Our source says, "The Senators were so excited when they saw the footage. It didn't matter if it was a gunshot wound or shrapnel from a grenade, fifteen seconds max and they were good as new."

Others are not convinced. "Granted, Modern Warfare 2 is an amazingly realistic replication of current warfare and weaponry, but I don't think the healing mechanism in the game is accurate," says ER doctor Ben Daxon. "Just because we base our financial system on fantasy doesn't mean that will work with all fields."

The debate over the feasibility of basing public policy on video game performance brings to mind President George W. Bush's decision to appoint Michael Brown as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency after learning of his proficiency at playing the computer game Sim City.

GOP Interns Host "Bring Your Own Strawman" Party

GOP Interns, tired of not having any plans on Friday nights, decided to take matters into their own hands this past weekend and hosted their own party, which, by all accounts, was "off the hook." Party planners argued vehemently about the topic of alcohol. Some believed strongly that alcohol should be provided, while others warned of the universal dangers of alcohol, such as ending up in airport bathrooms with undercover police officers.

[caption id="attachment_572" align="alignright" width="300" caption="You down with GOP, yeah you know me!"][/caption]

The planners settled on keeping the party dry, but allowing attendees to bring their own strawmen. Out of fashion for some time, strawmen have found a resurgence with the modern Republican party, and are frequently found on most Fox News programs, as well as on talk radio. Strawmen were considered very popular in the American South for some time, although their flammable nature made them a liability at cross-burnings.

Fox News: Glenn Beck's Movie Sells Millions of Tickets

This week, you could go anywhere without seeing advertisements for Glenn Beck's movie "The Christmas Sweater." In fact, if you don't watch Fox News or listen to Beck's radio show, it's likely that you had no idea that the controversial talk show host and frequent saline producer even had a movie coming out. Beck's two hour and fifteen minute motion picture debut played in hundreds of theaters throughout the country on Thursday night, and his fans were pumped!  So pumped, that they bought ninety-four out of a possible one-hundred ninety-three tickets in Rockwall, Texas.  They bought one-hundred seventy tickets in West Jordan, Utah.  They even bought a whopping seventeen tickets in New York City. Or so they liberal media would have you think.

[caption id="attachment_565" align="alignright" width="180" caption="Picture of crowd in line for Beck movie"][/caption]

Fox News is exclusively reporting that these numbers are much lower than actual ticket sales. They point to pictures of enormous crowds of people waiting in line to see the DC showing. Critics say that the pictures are actually pictures from the Million Man March from ten years ago. Fox News refused to comment other than saying, "Some people say pictures don't lie."

Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page.

[caption id="attachment_566" align="alignright" width="203" caption="Fox News depiction of people in line for Beck movie premiere"][/caption]

Future Bartlett's Quotations - Part I

"A bad friend is someone who says one thing and does your mother"  - Jimmy Wellington

Obama Changes Afghanistan Strategy: Surge Now Consists of One Sleeping Cadet

American President Barack Obama stood before a crowd of West Point cadets last night and delivered a speech, during which he announced his orders to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan in the coming year, a number which will include many of his audience. While millions around the country were riveted to their televisions to hear what course the American military strategy would take in its 9^th year in Afghanistan, many cadets were having a hard time staying awake, with one cadet caught on camera in mid-snore. As a result, Obama decided to change his strategy from a surge of thousands to a strategy consistent with an Army slogan. The sleeping cadet will truly become an army of one.