Disappointing the millions of Americans that wanted to see the case go to trial, the "Bumfights" case has been settled. According to early reports, the plaintiffs - Rufus Hannah, 47, and Donald Brennan, 53, have each received a settlement of 2 million cheeseburgers, rather than the $100,000 they were seeking.
The producers of the videos, which depict homeless men doing dangerous stunts as well as participating in fights in return for small amounts of cash, liquor, and/or food insist that they have done nothing illegal. The original lawsuit asked for a monetary remuneration, however the bums agreed to settle for a food payoff.
Their lawyer Jim Jefferson claimed that the settlement was "a victory for the large amount [5] of bums that were taken advantage of by these shameless voyeurs that will do anything for a buck. How can they look their mothers in the eye, when they pander in such filth?"
The defendants' mothers told us they're "so unbelievably proud of our sons! They moved us out of our small houses into larger ones down on Miami Beach. God bless our children!"
The case has provoked controversy throughout the country, with some decrying the producers as taking advantage of poor defenseless bums, as opposed to the hundreds of thousands of viewers that "pissed their pants laughing at those fucking guys."
Even though the monetary value of the settlement is greater than the $100,000 first sought, the defendants were able to obtain a clause stating that they will be able to continue selling the videos from their websites, which should more than offset the money they will spend purchasing the burgers.
Fortunately for the filmmakers, they were able to scam their local McDonald's into accepting the "Wimpy Proposition", in which they would gladly pay them tomorrow for a cheeseburger today. They then skipped town, leaving a Bakersville, CA McDonalds to foot their bill.
Monday, September 30, 2002
Invest: Start Smoking!
Written by Randall Kensington
With the dismal recent performance of major stock markets and spiraling property costs, Scott Albertson is trying a radical new form of investment -- smoking.
Albertson holds up a recent copy of USA Today which reads "Philip Morris Hit With $28 Billion Punitive-Damage Verdict." "Wow," says Albertson, "and that was just for one old woman. That's way better than the lotto." Yup, you guessed it, Scott Albertson is a wanna-be tobacco industry lawsuit filer. "The way I figure it", says Albertson, 28, as he deeply inhales 4 unfiltered cigarettes, "I've got 10, 20, maybe 30 year of [investment smoking] before I go. I'll spend somewhere between $50,000 and $100,000 on cigarettes, but once I get lung cancer I'll be able to sue for hundreds of billions."
Albertson doesn't plan on seeing any of that money; he plans on using the cash settlement for college for his two young sons and for buying his wife Wilma "a real big house and some new breasts." "I'm so proud of him," says Wilma, confiding in me, "Scotty may not be the brightest bulb but he seems to really have this one worked out. I'll sure be glad when that free money starts rolling in."
And he's not the only one. Sylvia X also began smoking recently because of the headline and the lure of billions. "Look, it's more expensive than alcholism, but the potential long-term cash benefits are enormous. The stock market sucks, interest rates suck and the odds of winning lotto are shit. Smoking is a viable long-term investment."
The medical community does not take the issue of suicide smoking lightly. "I'm appalled", says Dr. Deepdish Sanji. "If these people are working on getting cancer, they'll probably ignore their other health problems as well. Translation: Fewer doctor visits, and fewer Mercedes for Dr. Sanji."
Rumor has it that the tobacco industry has embraced such behavior -- and that major tobacco companies are planning a new ad campaign entitled "Invest -- Start Smoking" coupled with a new line of unfiltered, extra-wide, extra-long, extra-addictive "flavor" cigarettes. Tobacco industry bigwigs could not be reached for comment, but Marlboro's spokesperson did comment "Hey, anything that gets people smoking..."
With the dismal recent performance of major stock markets and spiraling property costs, Scott Albertson is trying a radical new form of investment -- smoking.
Albertson holds up a recent copy of USA Today which reads "Philip Morris Hit With $28 Billion Punitive-Damage Verdict." "Wow," says Albertson, "and that was just for one old woman. That's way better than the lotto." Yup, you guessed it, Scott Albertson is a wanna-be tobacco industry lawsuit filer. "The way I figure it", says Albertson, 28, as he deeply inhales 4 unfiltered cigarettes, "I've got 10, 20, maybe 30 year of [investment smoking] before I go. I'll spend somewhere between $50,000 and $100,000 on cigarettes, but once I get lung cancer I'll be able to sue for hundreds of billions."
Albertson doesn't plan on seeing any of that money; he plans on using the cash settlement for college for his two young sons and for buying his wife Wilma "a real big house and some new breasts." "I'm so proud of him," says Wilma, confiding in me, "Scotty may not be the brightest bulb but he seems to really have this one worked out. I'll sure be glad when that free money starts rolling in."
And he's not the only one. Sylvia X also began smoking recently because of the headline and the lure of billions. "Look, it's more expensive than alcholism, but the potential long-term cash benefits are enormous. The stock market sucks, interest rates suck and the odds of winning lotto are shit. Smoking is a viable long-term investment."
The medical community does not take the issue of suicide smoking lightly. "I'm appalled", says Dr. Deepdish Sanji. "If these people are working on getting cancer, they'll probably ignore their other health problems as well. Translation: Fewer doctor visits, and fewer Mercedes for Dr. Sanji."
Rumor has it that the tobacco industry has embraced such behavior -- and that major tobacco companies are planning a new ad campaign entitled "Invest -- Start Smoking" coupled with a new line of unfiltered, extra-wide, extra-long, extra-addictive "flavor" cigarettes. Tobacco industry bigwigs could not be reached for comment, but Marlboro's spokesperson did comment "Hey, anything that gets people smoking..."
Monday, September 23, 2002
Gore Plans To Run Again: Will Start At Two Miles A Day
After suffering an agonizingly close defeat to current President George W. Bush in the last presidential elections, Al Gore took some time away from politics to be with his family, get back to nature, and blow up like a blimp. He has announced that he plans to return to the public eye, preparing by getting back into shape.
“I’ve been getting a lot of fitness magazines lately, and I’m thinking about reading them, as opposed to using them as donut placemats. I suppose I could go on that thing called the internet, but I don’t really know how to use it that good. Bill used to tell me that he kept in shape by nailing interns, so I could try that, I guess.”
When asked for comment, Clinton immediately said, “I did not tell Al Gore that I had sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.”
Chelsea Clinton was more forthcoming, relating that she understood how hard it is to transform from a model of unattractiveness to something that people might actually consider having sex with. “It’s a hard, long rod, I mean road.” At that point, she excused herself and ran giggling from the room.
Al has hired a personal trainer, his wife Tipper, who has put him on a strict regimen of nutrition and exercise. He is only allowed to eat fast food for 4 of his 6 daily meals. On the fitness side, he had a choice between having sex with her or running. He currently runs two miles a day, finishing in just over an hour. Over the next month, Gore plans to increase his pace to finish in under 45 minutes. Always standing by her man, Tipper walks in front of Al, holding a Big Mac agonizingly close to his outreached fingers.
“I’ve been getting a lot of fitness magazines lately, and I’m thinking about reading them, as opposed to using them as donut placemats. I suppose I could go on that thing called the internet, but I don’t really know how to use it that good. Bill used to tell me that he kept in shape by nailing interns, so I could try that, I guess.”
When asked for comment, Clinton immediately said, “I did not tell Al Gore that I had sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinksy.”
Chelsea Clinton was more forthcoming, relating that she understood how hard it is to transform from a model of unattractiveness to something that people might actually consider having sex with. “It’s a hard, long rod, I mean road.” At that point, she excused herself and ran giggling from the room.
Al has hired a personal trainer, his wife Tipper, who has put him on a strict regimen of nutrition and exercise. He is only allowed to eat fast food for 4 of his 6 daily meals. On the fitness side, he had a choice between having sex with her or running. He currently runs two miles a day, finishing in just over an hour. Over the next month, Gore plans to increase his pace to finish in under 45 minutes. Always standing by her man, Tipper walks in front of Al, holding a Big Mac agonizingly close to his outreached fingers.
Friday, September 20, 2002
McDonalds Unveils The McForty
Fast food customers across America rejoiced recently as McDonalds released the newest item in their diverse menu selection. The new drink, "The McForty", has been added to the previous beverage menu, consisting primarily of non-alcoholic drinks. "The addition was clear," explained Frank Robertson from McDonalds public relations, "We've always offered malted shakes, why not malt liquor?"
Fast food experts are divided on their opinion of the McForty. Expert Jim McGillis states: "This is a great day for fast food patrons everywhere. Not only can a customer get cheap, low quality food, they can also get cheap, low quality alcohol. I can't think of a better complement to an artery-clogging Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese than a refreshing, waistline-expanding malt beverage."
Health authority Kelly Killington has a different opinion. "There is no place in McDonalds for alcohol! Not even in the Play Place. This evil liquid being sold alongside Happy Meals for children is an outrage! It's bad enough that the food is extremely unhealthy for Americans, but now they're offering a very dangerous beverage. When will it stop?"
Obviously, McDonalds spokesman Jerry Kinler sides with McGillis. "Today is an important step forward for our corporation. Before our customers had only the option of escaping from their problems momentarily by losing themselves in our savory beef patties with special sauce, and no one even knows what that's made out of. Now we give them the option of avoiding any negative issues in their life for hours at a time. All for a low price, especially if they purchase the extra value meal."
Not surprisingly, Burger King has countered with their own malt liquor beverage, the "Burger King Cobra". Fast food chain Jack in The Box plans to push the envelope even further by offering "Crack in a Box" next month.
Further, all the restaurant chains agree, there is no reason these items should be restricted from the drive through windows.
Fast food experts are divided on their opinion of the McForty. Expert Jim McGillis states: "This is a great day for fast food patrons everywhere. Not only can a customer get cheap, low quality food, they can also get cheap, low quality alcohol. I can't think of a better complement to an artery-clogging Double Quarter Pounder With Cheese than a refreshing, waistline-expanding malt beverage."
Health authority Kelly Killington has a different opinion. "There is no place in McDonalds for alcohol! Not even in the Play Place. This evil liquid being sold alongside Happy Meals for children is an outrage! It's bad enough that the food is extremely unhealthy for Americans, but now they're offering a very dangerous beverage. When will it stop?"
Obviously, McDonalds spokesman Jerry Kinler sides with McGillis. "Today is an important step forward for our corporation. Before our customers had only the option of escaping from their problems momentarily by losing themselves in our savory beef patties with special sauce, and no one even knows what that's made out of. Now we give them the option of avoiding any negative issues in their life for hours at a time. All for a low price, especially if they purchase the extra value meal."
Not surprisingly, Burger King has countered with their own malt liquor beverage, the "Burger King Cobra". Fast food chain Jack in The Box plans to push the envelope even further by offering "Crack in a Box" next month.
Further, all the restaurant chains agree, there is no reason these items should be restricted from the drive through windows.
Thursday, September 19, 2002
Arafat Condones, Er, Condemns Terrorism
Written by Brian K. White
After an historic face to face sit down, Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat agreed on demands for peace terms. "It was great," said Arafat in his broken and nearly unintelligible English. "It turns (out) we both (want the) same (thing)." Ariel Sharon's account verifies the claim "We both want to end the bloodshed and have agreed to do so as long as the other withdraws his people into the sea and never returns. This is what we both want!" Allegedly, top peace advocates slipped no less than three hits of ecstasy in to the food and drink of Mr. Arafat, who was quite amiable and offered hugs to the reporters.
"Our people are not so different," reported Sharon while receiving a now-world famous Arafat rub down. "We both wear clothes and use weapons, only theirs are towels and slingshots while ours are Armani and tactical strike helicopters. How did we ever miss that we are brothers? Yes, perhaps brothers who have stolen each others wives and tried to kill one another, but my sweaty friend with the large pupils here has finally understood our intentions."
"I believe" offered Sharon "that the end to this conflict will be prompt. You see, the Palestinians have shown us that ours is a religion of falsehood and mockery and that when we die our souls will be extinguished. If they die they MAY have life everlasting, certainly if they die for the cause. I think by helping them die for their cause we can best insure that all Palestinians may live for eternity in a place where we can not and will not bomb them." After a moments consideration Sharon added "Nor roll through their homes with tanks. It's been fun, no mistake, but it must end." Pausing again he added "And for the last time, no, we didn't kill Jesus."
Following the proposed 10 week genocide mission affectionately called "Operation Martyr Maker" the area formerly inhabited by Palestinians will be transformed into a pastoral garden-like park to commemorate the perhaps dozen Israeli lives lost in the operation. At the conclusion of the press conference, Mr. Arafat seemed confused, asking "Where's the party going?"
After an historic face to face sit down, Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat agreed on demands for peace terms. "It was great," said Arafat in his broken and nearly unintelligible English. "It turns (out) we both (want the) same (thing)." Ariel Sharon's account verifies the claim "We both want to end the bloodshed and have agreed to do so as long as the other withdraws his people into the sea and never returns. This is what we both want!" Allegedly, top peace advocates slipped no less than three hits of ecstasy in to the food and drink of Mr. Arafat, who was quite amiable and offered hugs to the reporters.
"Our people are not so different," reported Sharon while receiving a now-world famous Arafat rub down. "We both wear clothes and use weapons, only theirs are towels and slingshots while ours are Armani and tactical strike helicopters. How did we ever miss that we are brothers? Yes, perhaps brothers who have stolen each others wives and tried to kill one another, but my sweaty friend with the large pupils here has finally understood our intentions."
"I believe" offered Sharon "that the end to this conflict will be prompt. You see, the Palestinians have shown us that ours is a religion of falsehood and mockery and that when we die our souls will be extinguished. If they die they MAY have life everlasting, certainly if they die for the cause. I think by helping them die for their cause we can best insure that all Palestinians may live for eternity in a place where we can not and will not bomb them." After a moments consideration Sharon added "Nor roll through their homes with tanks. It's been fun, no mistake, but it must end." Pausing again he added "And for the last time, no, we didn't kill Jesus."
Following the proposed 10 week genocide mission affectionately called "Operation Martyr Maker" the area formerly inhabited by Palestinians will be transformed into a pastoral garden-like park to commemorate the perhaps dozen Israeli lives lost in the operation. At the conclusion of the press conference, Mr. Arafat seemed confused, asking "Where's the party going?"
Wednesday, September 18, 2002
Nicorette Gum Now Features Flavor Crystals
In an effort to boost lagging sales, the nicotine replacement product Nicorette Gum announced that the gum will now feature flavor crystals. The idea was originally debuted to rave reviews in the popular chewing gum Icebreakers.
The announcement is being seen as a “fucking great idea” by millions of Americans that are trying to quit smoking. Local quitter Sandra Billus tells us: “Wow, that’s so cool! Now I can not only get that nicotine rush that I crave, but I can probably simulate that feeling of waking up in the morning feeling like a dog shit in my mouth!”
Keith Chadwick, a gas station attendant, has been trying to quit unsuccessfully since the Carter administration. Having tried the patch and the pill, he says that maybe this will provide the extra boost that he needs to quit for good. “I quit for a couple days with the pill, but I couldn’t avoid the temptation for very long. Then I tried the patch, and it was kinda effective, but when you smoke three packs a day, you need a lot of stuff to supplant that craving. It got so bad that I was licking the patches when I changed them, just to get that last little drop of sweet cancerous goodness. I think Nicorette has realized that some of us hard core smokers just need a shit ton of nicotine to get us through the tough first few days without committing mass murder.”
High school students are purchasing the gum, in an attempt to rebel without being too obvious about it. High school junior Jesse Kinner explains, “Billy’s dad saw him smoking and grounded him for 2 weeks or some lame shit. I still want the girls to see me as dangerous, but fuck getting grounded.”
In a telephone survey, it was determined that nearly 95% of people that currently smoke are “trying to quit” or “want to quit eventually”. The other 5% (all under the age of 17) think “it’s the coolest thing ever” and “all the kids are doing it”.
The announcement is being seen as a “fucking great idea” by millions of Americans that are trying to quit smoking. Local quitter Sandra Billus tells us: “Wow, that’s so cool! Now I can not only get that nicotine rush that I crave, but I can probably simulate that feeling of waking up in the morning feeling like a dog shit in my mouth!”
Keith Chadwick, a gas station attendant, has been trying to quit unsuccessfully since the Carter administration. Having tried the patch and the pill, he says that maybe this will provide the extra boost that he needs to quit for good. “I quit for a couple days with the pill, but I couldn’t avoid the temptation for very long. Then I tried the patch, and it was kinda effective, but when you smoke three packs a day, you need a lot of stuff to supplant that craving. It got so bad that I was licking the patches when I changed them, just to get that last little drop of sweet cancerous goodness. I think Nicorette has realized that some of us hard core smokers just need a shit ton of nicotine to get us through the tough first few days without committing mass murder.”
High school students are purchasing the gum, in an attempt to rebel without being too obvious about it. High school junior Jesse Kinner explains, “Billy’s dad saw him smoking and grounded him for 2 weeks or some lame shit. I still want the girls to see me as dangerous, but fuck getting grounded.”
In a telephone survey, it was determined that nearly 95% of people that currently smoke are “trying to quit” or “want to quit eventually”. The other 5% (all under the age of 17) think “it’s the coolest thing ever” and “all the kids are doing it”.
Sunday, September 15, 2002
Man Dupes Girlfriend Into Seeing Porn Movie
Keith Randell, a 23 year old temp worker, allegedly fooled his girlfriend into thinking that the movie they were seeing was the Vin Diesel action movie “XXX”. Reports indicate that the movie he brought her to instead was the slightly less popular, “Midgets and Japanese Schoolgirls 14.”
Patricia tells us what happened: “Keith said that he wanted to go see the new Vin Diesel movie. I normally prefer romantic comedies, but I figured that I might be able to show him that I’ll adapt for him. I thought that I could use the episode as a bargaining tool to maybe get him to go down on me once in a while. Just a little tongue action every now and then is all I wanted. Imagine my surprise when the movie started and I see these 3 female midgets going at each other with strap-ons and stuff. It did turn me on just a bit, but don’t tell Keith, OK?”
Keith thinks that Patricia is overreacting by refusing any attempt at sex, refusing to hear his side of the story, and generally “being a humorless bitch.”
Sex expert Dr. Wat Chu Fuk agreed to provide his opinion on the matter. “Keith wanted his girlfriend to join him in watching adult entertainment. This in and of itself is not the problem, but the way he went about it is all wrong. He should have had a frank discussion with Patricia, telling her how he thinks that viewing erotic movies can help to develop their sexual relationship. Also, what the fuck was he thinking? Midgets? He should have picked something more female friendly. Maybe the Pam and Tommy Lee video. I can’t think of any female that wouldn’t like that.”
Keith still can’t believe that his girlfriend fell for a ruse that he thought “had no chance of working”. He explains, “At first I thought that she’d see right through it. I didn’t think that she’d fall for it, but I must admit that it was pretty damn funny. It’s almost worth the entire no sex thing, if she keeps holding out, I got money. Hookers don’t cost that much.”
Patricia is secretly searching for a new boyfriend without Keith’s knowledge, because she wants to “still live there and stuff. Do you really think I want to move back in with my parents?”
Patricia tells us what happened: “Keith said that he wanted to go see the new Vin Diesel movie. I normally prefer romantic comedies, but I figured that I might be able to show him that I’ll adapt for him. I thought that I could use the episode as a bargaining tool to maybe get him to go down on me once in a while. Just a little tongue action every now and then is all I wanted. Imagine my surprise when the movie started and I see these 3 female midgets going at each other with strap-ons and stuff. It did turn me on just a bit, but don’t tell Keith, OK?”
Keith thinks that Patricia is overreacting by refusing any attempt at sex, refusing to hear his side of the story, and generally “being a humorless bitch.”
Sex expert Dr. Wat Chu Fuk agreed to provide his opinion on the matter. “Keith wanted his girlfriend to join him in watching adult entertainment. This in and of itself is not the problem, but the way he went about it is all wrong. He should have had a frank discussion with Patricia, telling her how he thinks that viewing erotic movies can help to develop their sexual relationship. Also, what the fuck was he thinking? Midgets? He should have picked something more female friendly. Maybe the Pam and Tommy Lee video. I can’t think of any female that wouldn’t like that.”
Keith still can’t believe that his girlfriend fell for a ruse that he thought “had no chance of working”. He explains, “At first I thought that she’d see right through it. I didn’t think that she’d fall for it, but I must admit that it was pretty damn funny. It’s almost worth the entire no sex thing, if she keeps holding out, I got money. Hookers don’t cost that much.”
Patricia is secretly searching for a new boyfriend without Keith’s knowledge, because she wants to “still live there and stuff. Do you really think I want to move back in with my parents?”
Bush Makes Chicken Noises At UN
As the debate continues worldwide over whether or not military action is necessary to rectify the escalating situation with Iraq, United States President George W. Bush gave an impassioned plea to the UN on Friday, astonishing gatherers by flapping his arms and making chicken noises.
“What the hell are they waffling about?”, Bush was heard to murmer to an aide after the speech. "Either they're with us or against us, and I don't want to bomb most of Europe but if I have to in order to insure freedom, then that's a step I have to take." According to sources close to the president, Bush can’t fathom why the UN “are being such pricks about us dropping a few bombs on such an evil man.”
France is one of the few vocal supporters of the United States conducting military action against Iraq, however when asked if they would provide support for the strikes, they responded by saying: “Um…we never said we’d help fight, just that it’s a good idea…we’re not much good at fighting…ok ok, we surrender, just let us keep Paris.”
For those that don’t know, The United Nations was founded in 1945 as a way for allied troops to pledge their support for the effort against the Axis Powers. Throughout the years, the organization has evolved into an entity that votes on “resolutions”, which are defined as “stuff that we talk big about, but don’t actually do shit about”. The UN is also a leader in “fucking up sound foreign policy”.
Bush, who at the end of his speech was growing more and more exasperated, finally offered this: “All right fine. If you don’t vote to support an Allied military incursion into Iraq, America will not allow any of Shakira’s videos to be seen in any country outside the United States. I know it’s a drastic step, but you’re making me do it.”
After several seconds of heated debate, the council unanimously passed Bush’s regulation. The President celebrated by spending time with his daughters at a local NYC bar.
“What the hell are they waffling about?”, Bush was heard to murmer to an aide after the speech. "Either they're with us or against us, and I don't want to bomb most of Europe but if I have to in order to insure freedom, then that's a step I have to take." According to sources close to the president, Bush can’t fathom why the UN “are being such pricks about us dropping a few bombs on such an evil man.”
France is one of the few vocal supporters of the United States conducting military action against Iraq, however when asked if they would provide support for the strikes, they responded by saying: “Um…we never said we’d help fight, just that it’s a good idea…we’re not much good at fighting…ok ok, we surrender, just let us keep Paris.”
For those that don’t know, The United Nations was founded in 1945 as a way for allied troops to pledge their support for the effort against the Axis Powers. Throughout the years, the organization has evolved into an entity that votes on “resolutions”, which are defined as “stuff that we talk big about, but don’t actually do shit about”. The UN is also a leader in “fucking up sound foreign policy”.
Bush, who at the end of his speech was growing more and more exasperated, finally offered this: “All right fine. If you don’t vote to support an Allied military incursion into Iraq, America will not allow any of Shakira’s videos to be seen in any country outside the United States. I know it’s a drastic step, but you’re making me do it.”
After several seconds of heated debate, the council unanimously passed Bush’s regulation. The President celebrated by spending time with his daughters at a local NYC bar.
Tuesday, September 10, 2002
Jerry Falwell: "Masturbation Is Murder"
In a news conference Monday, noted religious leader Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the act of masturbation violates the 6th Commandment, “Thou shalt not kill”. In his prepared statement, the Reverend Falwell declared: “Every time a person ejaculates from masturbation, millions of sperm cells are released, each one representing a possible human life. Hence, one act of self gratification is the equivalent of over a million counts of murder!” After making his statement, Rev. Falwell opened the floor to questions from the gathered throng of reporters. Here is an excerpt:
Jerry Miller: New York Times – “Rev. Falwell, does this statement hold true to females that masturbate?
Rev. Falwell – “It is my understanding that women do not masturbate. Now I cannot say that I have knowledge of the female ‘naughty region’, as I call it, so I’m not qualified to answer your question, but I will anyway. It is murder!
Jim Lewis: San Francisco Examiner – “So can you honestly say that you’ve never masturbated?”
Rev. Falwell – “Before I heard the call of the Lord, I did indulge in this sinful and impure act on a few isolated occasions. But Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior has cleansed my soul of all transgressions! Praise be to God!”
Shelley Walters: Chicago Union Tribune – “If a woman performs the act of masturbation on a man, like a handjob, should she be considered an accessory to the crime, or the actual perpetrator?”
Rev. Falwell – “I would consider both of them to be guilty in the eyes of our Lord. In all of these cases, there is no degree of guilt, no “gray areas” if you will. They are sinners, and they will burn in hell for the rest of time! They must repent! Turn away from their sinful behavior, and our Lord will accept them with open arms!”
Jeremy Killington: Jacksonville Gazette – “What about the process of nocturnal emissions, also known as wet dreams? You can’t really blame someone for something beyond their control, can you?”
Rev. Falwell – “Well, if there are no more questions, thank you for your time. God bless you all.”
In an attempt to help teenagers avoid the temptation to masturbate, Falwell has funded a program to have sheets of sandpaper implanted into their hands. This way, the act will become something painful and undesirable, and after a period of time the implants can be removed, with no danger of the subject ever wanting to play with themselves again. The Reverend estimates that if his procedures are implemented, our country could be masturbation-free in less than three years.
Jerry Miller: New York Times – “Rev. Falwell, does this statement hold true to females that masturbate?
Rev. Falwell – “It is my understanding that women do not masturbate. Now I cannot say that I have knowledge of the female ‘naughty region’, as I call it, so I’m not qualified to answer your question, but I will anyway. It is murder!
Jim Lewis: San Francisco Examiner – “So can you honestly say that you’ve never masturbated?”
Rev. Falwell – “Before I heard the call of the Lord, I did indulge in this sinful and impure act on a few isolated occasions. But Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior has cleansed my soul of all transgressions! Praise be to God!”
Shelley Walters: Chicago Union Tribune – “If a woman performs the act of masturbation on a man, like a handjob, should she be considered an accessory to the crime, or the actual perpetrator?”
Rev. Falwell – “I would consider both of them to be guilty in the eyes of our Lord. In all of these cases, there is no degree of guilt, no “gray areas” if you will. They are sinners, and they will burn in hell for the rest of time! They must repent! Turn away from their sinful behavior, and our Lord will accept them with open arms!”
Jeremy Killington: Jacksonville Gazette – “What about the process of nocturnal emissions, also known as wet dreams? You can’t really blame someone for something beyond their control, can you?”
Rev. Falwell – “Well, if there are no more questions, thank you for your time. God bless you all.”
In an attempt to help teenagers avoid the temptation to masturbate, Falwell has funded a program to have sheets of sandpaper implanted into their hands. This way, the act will become something painful and undesirable, and after a period of time the implants can be removed, with no danger of the subject ever wanting to play with themselves again. The Reverend estimates that if his procedures are implemented, our country could be masturbation-free in less than three years.
Sunday, September 08, 2002
Kournikova Almost Beats Some Chick
Tennis fans and perverts around the world rejoiced as Anna Kournikova missed capturing her first WTA singles championship by a mere 44 points Sunday. Showing her incredible skill by reaching her fourth final in only 115 tournaments, the 21 year old Russian was not quite able to muster the skill needed to win the tournament, although she was able to cause erections in 95% of the men watching the match, which provided some consolation. “I couldn’t hit the ball very well today, although I noticed that the chair official was pitching a tent, so I guess I did OK,” said Kournikova.
Her opponent in the match was an Israeli named Smashmouth or something. Anyway, Kournikova looked amazing today in her blue, white and yellow outfit, strategically cut to reveal tasty peeks of bare, tanned, supple skin beneath.
Kournikova had more to say about her near victory: “I was nervous today, since so many people were watching me. I’m not used to so many people staring at me.” She then began licking the microphone, causing 30 heart attacks in the press room.
Oh yeah, the other chick said some stuff too, but we ran out of room.
Her opponent in the match was an Israeli named Smashmouth or something. Anyway, Kournikova looked amazing today in her blue, white and yellow outfit, strategically cut to reveal tasty peeks of bare, tanned, supple skin beneath.
Kournikova had more to say about her near victory: “I was nervous today, since so many people were watching me. I’m not used to so many people staring at me.” She then began licking the microphone, causing 30 heart attacks in the press room.
Oh yeah, the other chick said some stuff too, but we ran out of room.
Saturday, September 07, 2002
Man Has Sex For More Than 30 Seconds, Girlfriend Amazed
Last night Bill Jenkis and his girlfriend had sex. That in itself wouldn't be newsworthy, however the act lasted for almost 45 seconds, shattering his former endurance record by 20 seconds. His girlfriend Sally couldn't believe what happened: "It was really unusual, I actually had this warm sensation that felt really good. At first I thought something was wrong, cause that had never happened before, but then I realized that it was what all my girlfriends were telling me about. Maybe this sex thing has something to it after all."
Afterwards Bill was bragging to all his friends about his accomplishment. Best friend Luke agreed to talk to us about the event. "So he comes walking into my room with this huge smile on his face, and he tells me that he thinks he gave Sally an orgasm. I was like 'Dude, once you can make it last longer than one commercial break, then come talk to me.' He's been walking around like he's the shit now, I don't have the heart to tell him that his stamina is really pathetic."
Bill actually called us and leaked the story, forced us to interview him, and blabbed all about his conquest. "Man, it was awesome! I knew that it was going to be a special night when I didn't feel like I was going to shoot before I even got it out of my pants. People make fun of me for that one time I experienced premature ejaculation, but that's totally normal. It was in that movie with the kid that banged the pie, remember? And he's a totally huge movie star, so if it can happen to him, why should I be ashamed that it happened to me?"
According to sources, the longevity of the intercourse last night was due to a series of actions taken by Sally in the vain hopes of experiencing the same pleasure that Bill apparently accomplished each time they had bumped uglies in the past. "I made him wear two condoms so he wouldn't be so sensitive. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I told him that I just wanted to be extra careful, so he doesn't knock me up. That's just what I need to bring into this world, right? Another small dicked kid that can't hold his own for over a minute." She also left the television on, tuned to SportsCenter, so Bill could concentrate on something else. In the future, she plans to lengthen the process by spraying Chloroseptic on his penis, to further dull the sensation.
Afterwards Bill was bragging to all his friends about his accomplishment. Best friend Luke agreed to talk to us about the event. "So he comes walking into my room with this huge smile on his face, and he tells me that he thinks he gave Sally an orgasm. I was like 'Dude, once you can make it last longer than one commercial break, then come talk to me.' He's been walking around like he's the shit now, I don't have the heart to tell him that his stamina is really pathetic."
Bill actually called us and leaked the story, forced us to interview him, and blabbed all about his conquest. "Man, it was awesome! I knew that it was going to be a special night when I didn't feel like I was going to shoot before I even got it out of my pants. People make fun of me for that one time I experienced premature ejaculation, but that's totally normal. It was in that movie with the kid that banged the pie, remember? And he's a totally huge movie star, so if it can happen to him, why should I be ashamed that it happened to me?"
According to sources, the longevity of the intercourse last night was due to a series of actions taken by Sally in the vain hopes of experiencing the same pleasure that Bill apparently accomplished each time they had bumped uglies in the past. "I made him wear two condoms so he wouldn't be so sensitive. I didn't want to hurt his feelings, so I told him that I just wanted to be extra careful, so he doesn't knock me up. That's just what I need to bring into this world, right? Another small dicked kid that can't hold his own for over a minute." She also left the television on, tuned to SportsCenter, so Bill could concentrate on something else. In the future, she plans to lengthen the process by spraying Chloroseptic on his penis, to further dull the sensation.
Net Pervs Excited About Possibility Of Pornster
The announcement Monday that Private Media, Inc. – a pornography company – has offered to purchase the Napster name and web site address for a reported 3 million dollars has had a whirlwind effect on the worlds pornography consumers.
The company apparently plans to use the notoriety of the Napster brand name, as well as a web address that practically every internet user from teenagers to thirty-somethings have hard wired into their internet browsers. According to experts, the Napster name is as recognizable as “Yahoo”, “Google”, and “Horny College Barely Legal Freshman Get Nekkid”.
Napster was extremely popular for providing a central location where internet users could exchange music files with each other. The only drawback was that the users didn’t actually pay for the material, which the music industry argued violated copyright laws and robbed their artists of royalties, which forced several artists such as Metallica to forego lining their tour busses with solid gold. The heavy metal band was instead forced to go with cheaper silver lining, which though still ostentatious, didn’t really achieve the whole “we have way more money than you” motif the band was going for.
In an amazing display of irony, Sean “Puff Daddy Diddy Do” Combs spoke out against Napster stealing royalties. Mr. Combs has been know in the past to “sample” (steal) older songs, only to ruin them by rapping over the music. Several years ago, a group of rabid Led Zeppelin fans attempted to kill Combs, allegedly for forever tainting the song “Kashmir”.
Online porn connoisseurs are extremely excited about this possible new breakthrough in pornography sharing. One college student agreed to speak with us, on the condition that we not mention his name or university: “Well first of all, my name is Jared Ocampo from the University of Tennesee, could you please not write that, my parents might read this. Anyway, this will revolutionize the porn finding process in a degree that people can’t even fathom now. With it being so much easier to share high quality adult pictures and celebrity fakes, I’ll have so much more time on my hands. I guess I’ll probably masturbate more, maybe increasing my average to 15 times a day.”
Private Media Inc. will take no responsibility for young teenage girls attempting to find the latest Britney Spears song on www.napster.com, only to be visually assaulted by lewd acts. The company explains, saying “Britney Spears, Porn, What’s the difference?” In an unrelated add-on, Private Media Inc. expects to add Ms. Spears to their list of “actresses” in “oh…about 3 months.”
The company apparently plans to use the notoriety of the Napster brand name, as well as a web address that practically every internet user from teenagers to thirty-somethings have hard wired into their internet browsers. According to experts, the Napster name is as recognizable as “Yahoo”, “Google”, and “Horny College Barely Legal Freshman Get Nekkid”.
Napster was extremely popular for providing a central location where internet users could exchange music files with each other. The only drawback was that the users didn’t actually pay for the material, which the music industry argued violated copyright laws and robbed their artists of royalties, which forced several artists such as Metallica to forego lining their tour busses with solid gold. The heavy metal band was instead forced to go with cheaper silver lining, which though still ostentatious, didn’t really achieve the whole “we have way more money than you” motif the band was going for.
In an amazing display of irony, Sean “Puff Daddy Diddy Do” Combs spoke out against Napster stealing royalties. Mr. Combs has been know in the past to “sample” (steal) older songs, only to ruin them by rapping over the music. Several years ago, a group of rabid Led Zeppelin fans attempted to kill Combs, allegedly for forever tainting the song “Kashmir”.
Online porn connoisseurs are extremely excited about this possible new breakthrough in pornography sharing. One college student agreed to speak with us, on the condition that we not mention his name or university: “Well first of all, my name is Jared Ocampo from the University of Tennesee, could you please not write that, my parents might read this. Anyway, this will revolutionize the porn finding process in a degree that people can’t even fathom now. With it being so much easier to share high quality adult pictures and celebrity fakes, I’ll have so much more time on my hands. I guess I’ll probably masturbate more, maybe increasing my average to 15 times a day.”
Private Media Inc. will take no responsibility for young teenage girls attempting to find the latest Britney Spears song on www.napster.com, only to be visually assaulted by lewd acts. The company explains, saying “Britney Spears, Porn, What’s the difference?” In an unrelated add-on, Private Media Inc. expects to add Ms. Spears to their list of “actresses” in “oh…about 3 months.”
Wednesday, September 04, 2002
Billion Dollar Study: Sex Leading Cause Of Pregnancy
Scientists at the Federal Department of Wasting Taxpayer Money released the findings of a year long, billion dollar study on human pregnancy. According to the results of the study, if a human being wants to get pregnant, good old fashioned sexual intercourse is the way to do it. The chance of becoming pregnant is exponentially higher if the person wishing to become pregnant is a female, according to the study.
Lead scientist Dr. Jarin Killikippi is excited about the findings: “This study represents a bold step forward in scientific research, namely that we can get a grant for just about anything! Who knows how much more money we can waste on pointless research?”
The Senate Oversight Committee is being asked to investigate the fund allocation for the pregnancy study. The scientists insist that it’s just a coincidence that they all recently bought large beach houses and sports cars. “That is insulting to us as professionals, and as human beings,” says Killikippi. “We double checked our financial numbers to make sure that the required 2% of the budget allocated went to the research itself.”
The complete findings of the study can be viewed at the departments website, www.fdwtm.gov, for a fee of $25 per minute of viewing time. According to the study, throughout history 99.96 percent of all human pregnancies have occurred in females who have had sexual intercourse in the last year. .003999999% of pregnancies occurred by the recent method of in vitro fertilization with .0000000000000000000000000001% of pregnancies coming by immaculate conception of the Holy Spirit. The only case of male pregnancy in humans was reported by an Austrain bodybuilder.
The team of scientists are busy deciding what their next study is going to be. Early ideas are; “Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?”, “Dogs: Man’s Best Friend?”, or “Understanding Women.” However, odds are the third study will not be conducted, as the budget would reportedly be around $500B, with a timetable of several decades, and the chance that an answer may never be reached.
Lead scientist Dr. Jarin Killikippi is excited about the findings: “This study represents a bold step forward in scientific research, namely that we can get a grant for just about anything! Who knows how much more money we can waste on pointless research?”
The Senate Oversight Committee is being asked to investigate the fund allocation for the pregnancy study. The scientists insist that it’s just a coincidence that they all recently bought large beach houses and sports cars. “That is insulting to us as professionals, and as human beings,” says Killikippi. “We double checked our financial numbers to make sure that the required 2% of the budget allocated went to the research itself.”
The complete findings of the study can be viewed at the departments website, www.fdwtm.gov, for a fee of $25 per minute of viewing time. According to the study, throughout history 99.96 percent of all human pregnancies have occurred in females who have had sexual intercourse in the last year. .003999999% of pregnancies occurred by the recent method of in vitro fertilization with .0000000000000000000000000001% of pregnancies coming by immaculate conception of the Holy Spirit. The only case of male pregnancy in humans was reported by an Austrain bodybuilder.
The team of scientists are busy deciding what their next study is going to be. Early ideas are; “Tomato: Fruit or Vegetable?”, “Dogs: Man’s Best Friend?”, or “Understanding Women.” However, odds are the third study will not be conducted, as the budget would reportedly be around $500B, with a timetable of several decades, and the chance that an answer may never be reached.
Monday, September 02, 2002
Intern Accidentally Deletes The Internet
Julia Walters, a 19 year old intern at Johnson & Kelter Law Firm was brutally beaten to death by co-workers yesterday, after she deleted the internet while trying to print a document. Police were aghast at the horrific scene that they encountered upon their arrival, with one officer calling it “the most ghastly crime scene I’ve ever witnessed.” When company employees quickly told the officers what Miss Walters had done, the atmosphere quickly changed, as the men in blue “looked away” so her outraged co-workers could get a few last good kicks in.
“She erased the fucking internet! Now what the hell am I going to do at work?” J&K employee Jonathan Frampton shouted hysterically. “The only reason I can make it through the workday without going psycho is the ability to check out anime porn and the latest news on the new Pokemon Movie! Now I actually have to work? Fuck that!” Frampton then unleashed a blood-curdling roar and leapt out his 30th floor window.
Police have announced that they will not bring any charges against the 25 or so men and women that participated in the homicide and subsequent mutilation. “Where are we going to find 12 jurors that will convict these people? They’re heroes if you ask me”, stated a spokesperson for the Detroit district attorney’s office.
Julia’s parents were not surprised to hear of the tragic demise of their daughter. Mother Jill explains: “Julia’s always been kind of awkward, the kind of girl that would mess things up all the time, never on purpose mind you, but she was always fucking something up.” Jill then recalled the time that Julia found her mother’s diaphragm and poked a tiny hole in it, directly leading to the existence of her 15 year old brother Kyle.
Kyle agreed to speak with us, sharing this about his older sister: “So THAT’S why they always called me ‘oops’... Interesting... Oh yeah, Julia. One time she ‘accidentally’ erased the Playboy channel from our TV, boy was I pissed about that.”
Other companies in the area are conducting fundraisers, hoping to raise enough money to purchase a new copy of the internet for the law firm. Unfortunately, nobody has found out how much a new internet costs.
“She erased the fucking internet! Now what the hell am I going to do at work?” J&K employee Jonathan Frampton shouted hysterically. “The only reason I can make it through the workday without going psycho is the ability to check out anime porn and the latest news on the new Pokemon Movie! Now I actually have to work? Fuck that!” Frampton then unleashed a blood-curdling roar and leapt out his 30th floor window.
Police have announced that they will not bring any charges against the 25 or so men and women that participated in the homicide and subsequent mutilation. “Where are we going to find 12 jurors that will convict these people? They’re heroes if you ask me”, stated a spokesperson for the Detroit district attorney’s office.
Julia’s parents were not surprised to hear of the tragic demise of their daughter. Mother Jill explains: “Julia’s always been kind of awkward, the kind of girl that would mess things up all the time, never on purpose mind you, but she was always fucking something up.” Jill then recalled the time that Julia found her mother’s diaphragm and poked a tiny hole in it, directly leading to the existence of her 15 year old brother Kyle.
Kyle agreed to speak with us, sharing this about his older sister: “So THAT’S why they always called me ‘oops’... Interesting... Oh yeah, Julia. One time she ‘accidentally’ erased the Playboy channel from our TV, boy was I pissed about that.”
Other companies in the area are conducting fundraisers, hoping to raise enough money to purchase a new copy of the internet for the law firm. Unfortunately, nobody has found out how much a new internet costs.
Sunday, September 01, 2002
Couple Finds Profanity To Be Useful Argument Tool
Ed and Kathleen Thomas are just like many other couples. They are in love, they have a young daughter and a pet dog. Also, just like almost any other couple, they have their share of disagreements. Luckily for Ed and Kathleen, they recently stumbled upon the idea of incorporating profanity into their arguing repertoire to illustrate how strongly they feel about a certain point. Ed explains:
“It’s not like we’re really mad at each other. Well sometimes we are, but we always make up. For a while, I had to attempt to make my point over and over because I wasn’t being forceful enough. Now, when I say ‘Shut the fuck up, bitch. I’m trying to say something here for fuck’s sake’ I know that I have her complete attention. Sometimes I have to dodge plates though.”
Kathleen has found profanity to be her most important weapon in the battle to inform Ed about the way she feels about certain subjects, such as his drinking out of the milk carton, or leaving his copy of “Anal Avenger 4” in the VCR where their daughter might mistake it for a new Barney tape.
“I used to use different techniques, such as withholding sexual activity or employing the silent treatment when he pissed me off, but now I just let loose with gross vulgarity. It saves a lot of time and helps us understand exactly how the other person feels. Imagine trying to explain a point such as: ‘Goddamit Ed! General fucking Hospital is on TV right now, and I have a fucking headache the size of your ass, so stop trying to fuck me!’ without using foul language. You can’t do it, can you? I didn’t fucking think so.”
The couple has taken to hanging out down at the mall near local youth to try to learn the latest in vulgar language. According to Ed, it’s difficult to keep abreast of the ever-changing slang profanities. “Sometimes these kids will call each other things that I’ve never heard of, although I’m always excited to find out what words like choad mean. I just have to be careful who I use this technique around. My boss didn’t very much like it when I told him to go blow a donkey the other day. I’m sure I’ll find a new job soon though.”
“It’s not like we’re really mad at each other. Well sometimes we are, but we always make up. For a while, I had to attempt to make my point over and over because I wasn’t being forceful enough. Now, when I say ‘Shut the fuck up, bitch. I’m trying to say something here for fuck’s sake’ I know that I have her complete attention. Sometimes I have to dodge plates though.”
Kathleen has found profanity to be her most important weapon in the battle to inform Ed about the way she feels about certain subjects, such as his drinking out of the milk carton, or leaving his copy of “Anal Avenger 4” in the VCR where their daughter might mistake it for a new Barney tape.
“I used to use different techniques, such as withholding sexual activity or employing the silent treatment when he pissed me off, but now I just let loose with gross vulgarity. It saves a lot of time and helps us understand exactly how the other person feels. Imagine trying to explain a point such as: ‘Goddamit Ed! General fucking Hospital is on TV right now, and I have a fucking headache the size of your ass, so stop trying to fuck me!’ without using foul language. You can’t do it, can you? I didn’t fucking think so.”
The couple has taken to hanging out down at the mall near local youth to try to learn the latest in vulgar language. According to Ed, it’s difficult to keep abreast of the ever-changing slang profanities. “Sometimes these kids will call each other things that I’ve never heard of, although I’m always excited to find out what words like choad mean. I just have to be careful who I use this technique around. My boss didn’t very much like it when I told him to go blow a donkey the other day. I’m sure I’ll find a new job soon though.”
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