Armed guards in all schools makes a lot of sense (if you don't really think about it)

[caption id="attachment_1845" align="alignnone" width="600"] The royal palace guards debut their new bullet catcher.[/caption]

I am a 6 year veteran of the Navy and a high school English teacher. The only people in my school who have more weapons training than I are a few subs who are retired police officers. I carried a firearm several times a week for years, frequently went to the shooting range, and taught others how to shoot. I also ran force protection for 1/4 of my ship. Basically that means I was responsible for improving the security of our ship and ensuring personnel were properly trained to implement our security protocols. One of my jobs was to analyze the ship's weaknesses and develop methods of securing those weaknesses, or limiting damage caused by a group exploiting those weaknesses.

One thing I quickly learned is that total safety is an impossibility. We had armed guards at every entrance. Multiple layers of security at every access point. We ran drills every four days. Even so, if someone really wanted to attack us, our reasonable goal would be to limit casualties and damage. Total prevention is impossible. 

In response to the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the NRA is calling for armed guards at all schools. I'm not sure proponents of this idea have thought everything through. First of all, many school districts have been cutting teachers. I'm not sure where districts are going to find the money to hire armed security. I'm sure that you could just eliminate another teacher or two. You know, the ones who are fresh out of school, burning with a passion to help students. That's an excellent trade-off for the illusion of safety.

How to Unlock "Bettman Mode" on NHL 13

Bettman Family Despondent after Dad Cancels Christmas

[caption id="attachment_1793" align="alignright" width="346"] Birthday's aren't guaranteed, and crying won't get you anywhere.[/caption]

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s family learned today that their father had followed up today’s cancellation of the family’s Thanksgiving meal with the news that he had no choice but to cancel Christmas as well. If no progress is made in resolving the family’s dispute, all holidays for the 2013 calendar year could be cancelled as soon as next month.

“Trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do,” Bettman said. “I wish there was another way, but at some point you have to make a hard choice as a parent.”

The exact nature of the Bettman family dispute is not clear, but sources close to the family say that the problems arose during a recent car trip.

“The family was driving to an event and Gary was worrying aloud that people would boo him,” said the source. “One of Gary’s children said under their breath ‘Like they don’t boo you every time you appear in public.’”

According to the source, Gary heard the insult and immediately cancelled the post-event family outing to Dairy Queen. He said that unless the child not only apologized, but also prevented every fan in the world from booing him, he wouldn’t do anything nice for them.

Over the following weeks, the mood in the Bettman house soured. At first they thought that Dad couldn’t possibly cancel the holidays again.

Just a few years ago, Gary cancelled the Bettman family holidays because he felt he was spending too much money on gifts for his children, who weren’t doing enough to earn his generosity. A deal was brokered that placed a limit on the amount of money he would have to spend on presents for each child, calculated as a monetary representation of that child’s worth to the family.

In addition to Bettman’s demand that the offending child prevent anyone from ever booing him ever again, he wants to recalculate the way each child’s worth is measured, as he feels that his original calculation was faulty.

“Yes, seven years ago, I got everything I asked for,” Bettman said. “But that doesn’t mean that I asked for everything I should have.”

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 10 and 11

People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are the last two entries

Entry 10: today has been an uneventful and dreadful day. I find it increasing difficult to even continue writing these entries. The majority of the day I spent venturing about, the highlight being my journey to a distant store. My goal was to obtain a computer chair since mine was destroyed by the survivalist thief. To my dismay, the employees must have had their intelligence decreased tenfold by the storming, rendering them completely useless at answering my question about an item that was on sale. They may have been zombies for all I know, but as usual during this trauma I have been experiencing, I took matters into my own hands and found the information I required. I purchased the chair which will hopefully ease my suffering, although I will not be able to assemble it in the near future. Regardless, I fear that my seemingly endless suffering is not even close to coming to an end. Now, I am with the survivalist thief, and he is currently eating tuna that he probably scavenged from a distant water source -- I am fearful of asking him too many questions. Hopefully my melancholy will cease in the coming days, but with conditions so grim, I doubt that is possible.

Entry 11: power has been restored. As I exit my vault, the world seems to be a better place, although I do not know if I will ever fully recover from this dreadful experience. All I know is that no one had it as bad as me, and through my turmoil, I re-affirmed my belief that death would have been better than losing internet. Even Job would pity me and my macabre situation. So ends my miserable experience and my posts via this awful smartphone that is more of a burden than anything because of the way it taunts one while attempting to use it to access the internet. May God watch over us all, and if that is not possible, may He watch over only me so that this never happens again.

Earlier entries here , here and here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The only Obama image you need tonight

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 7 through 9

People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 7-9 (out of 11)

Entry 7: the wasteland is worse than I ever could have imagined. The road I needed to use was closed, forcing me to trek onto main roads. On the highway, no one was permitted to turn left because of the impending impact of space debris in those exact locations. I can only assume the right lanes were closed due to radioactive materials in the drainage systems, which makes driving in that lane incredibly dangerous. One can only assume mutated creatures are now dwelling in the sewers. I saw millions fleeing from the impending doom; they filled gas stations and wawas, fearing the power outages may last years and fearing their provisions will only last 3-4 days. For now, I am safe but none the better for it. I am fearful of the journey back.

Entry 8: the ride home was no better. I ventured down back roads in an attempt to avoid the chaos of the busy streets only to find road after road closed. At each closure, my fear grew more intense, as each could have been a well-place trap. Desperate for help, I enlisted the help of a wanderer who was traveling on the edge of the road. It was apparent that this wanderer was adversely affected by the storm: his teeth were incredibly crooked, his face was odd and not well-kept, he talked with an accent foreign to me, and worst of all, he sported an AC Delco baseball cap. I was unsure if he was still human, as he easily could have been a vampire or a zombie of some sort, but I trusted him none the less. He gave me directions that were accurate, although many alterations had to be made due to more closed roads. As I traversed these roads, the check engine light that was on in my car was a constant reminder of how volatile my situation was and is. I am home now, and I am as safe as I can be given the current circumstances.

Entry 9: at home, my survival expert friend visited with the vain hope of easing both of our hardships. He, unlike me, does not have a generator, and thus is not in as great of peril as I am facing. To open his eyes to my plight, I forced him to experience first hand what it is like to have the generator run out of gas while one is attempting to play a non-internet connected video game. Not only did I force him through that horror, but I also forced him to manually refill the generator with the supplied gasoline. Afterwards, I believe he had a better sense of what it means to suffer. My time with him was amble yet not well-spent; since he is a survivalist and a thief, two qualities that when coupled create a dangerous individual, I was filled with constant trepidation, and I was unable to divert my eyes from him for a second. In this state, he and I watched a mutually agreed upon movie and got a double dose of nostalgia of times before the storm. As he left, I fear he may have swindled my things while in the shadows. Although a scary thought, the AC Delco hatted man may have been more trustworthy company. Sleep awaits.

Earlier entries here and here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 4 through 6

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 4-6 (out of 11)

Entry 4: lunchtime. With provisions running low, the family had to make a decision. Although morbid to most, we decided to draw straws to see who was going to make the ultimate sacrifice so the others could eat well and live. Unfortunately, that poor soul was me. As a result, I was forced to turn down other better food and eat a ham and cheese sandwich, a disgusting thought considering the age in which we live. At this rate, we may all be reduced to eating pbj sandwiches in 2-3 days. I forced down the sandwich only to find that my dessert was fun sized peanut M&Ms, and we all know there is nothing fun about that quantity of candy.

Entry 5: full-fledged nightfall brings the most barbaric conditions yet. With only the light of a flashlight, I took the most dreadful shower one could imagine. The water had not the capacity to reach scorching hot levels, and I curtailed my regular 25 minute shower to a mere ten minutes because of the fear that the water may turn cold upon 10-20 minutes more of use. Then, when exiting the shower, I found the temperature to be 3 degrees cooler than what I would consider comfortable shower exiting temperature. The barbarity only increased as I went upstairs to find that someone had ate all the chocolate ice cream sandwiches, forcing me to settle for mint ice cream sandwiches. The dark is dreary and oppressive, and as I write this, the generator kicks off with my game unsaved. Can I go on knowing that 2 hours worth of playing has been for nothing? Time will only tell.

Entry 6: all hope is almost lost. As I was exploring mothership zeta, the generator kicked off a moment, making half of my exploration meaningless. The loss in morale has made me decide to explore the wasteland in search of power and internet. With only a poptart, cereal, and wawa chicken sandwich in my stomach, I venture into the unknown in a likely vain and futile expedition to find just a sliver of hope and lost morale.

Earlier entries here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 1 through 3

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 1-3 (out of 11)

Entry 1: the storms came. Now I am without power or internet. Without the ability to look it up, I can only assume that 80 percent of the population is now dead. The other 20 percent have it even worse with no power or internet. The world is now a bleak place, and I can only hope for my rations to carry me through. At the very least, I hope my phone lasts until nightfall. If all is lost, please let god take me quick and painlessly. I don't know how I'm going to survive this...

Entry 2: I was forced to eat cold cereal this morning instead of my traditional oatmeal. Kids in Africa do not have it this bad. The facebook app on this phone works as well as the typical retail seasonal employee. As of now, I am confined to my room that is only lit by what can only be called non-artificial light. It hurts my eyes. God, please help me through this.

Entry 3: extension cords from the backup generator have been run to my living corridors. With this, life has become more grim. How can one use modern appliances such as a computer or a video game console without the internet? Morale is at an all-time low. I wish I did not have the misfortune of having a backup generator. The end seems near...

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

Your Primer for the 2nd Presidential Debate

Tonight, two candidates chosen by millionaires will meet at Hofstra University in an attempt to convince undecided voters to choose them on November 6th. As a valuable public service, here is a primer on what to expect.

Barack Obama:

- Following Joe Biden's successful turn in the debate spotlight, the President will attempt to steal some of that "Biden magic" by wearing Biden's dentures.

- The President will wait until after the debate to take his Ambien.

- Obama is taking a page from Romney's book and has been practicing some "zingers." These include: "That might fly on Planet Kolob, but on Earth we rely on facts." "Bipartisanship is not when you promise both sides what they want." and "I told my daughter Malia about your job plan. Oh, how she laughed."

Mitt Romney

- Expect Romney to announce he is now running as a Democrat.

- Will give thanks to his favorite god, Janus, in his opening statement.

- In an attempt to avoid looking like he is rude, will say "excuse me" while talking over the moderator.

WTF, Google News?

[caption id="attachment_1762" align="alignright" width="385"] Well, if the interwebs says it's true...[/caption]

Every day, ok fine, about ten times a day, I check Google News to see what's happening in the world. Apparently, the people running the service don't see anything wrong with running opinion pieces in the same section as news pieces with no distinction. You can see in the screenshot that an opinion piece with the headline: "Romney, Ryan lack character" is listed under regular news stories.

Now one would imagine that people would read that and realize that the article is an opinion piece. That doesn't absolve Google News from their obligation to say so. This story is more clearly opinion that others that have appeared without an opinion label attached, but those others are more troubling. People who scroll through quickly are going to see these headlines presented in the same way as other, factual ones.

The most frustrating thing is that it can't be a hard fix. Google must not really think it's important. Do you?

The NHL's real priorities: LOCKOUT edition

Pilot pitches for next season

Pilot pitches for next season:

Cupcake Whores: When their business fails, how can they make money when all they know is baking and fondant?

The Red Badge of Narcissism: Bob telecommutes, and after a particularly bad date, decides to only communicate with the outside world through Facebook.

Minaj a Trois: Nicki Minaj plays all three roommates in a sitcom that takes place inside her head.

The NHL lockout in pictures

Free advice for the DNC

As many tweets pointed out last Thursday, Clint Eastwood's discussion with an empty chair was a perfect visualization for this year's Republican campaign. The "Eastwooding" meme spread quickly throughout the internet, giving the Obama campaign a perfect opportunity to capitalize on a pre-existing cultural touchstone.

Here's how.

One of the speeches leading up to President Obama's on Thursday night should be the following. Bring out the empty chair. Address each one of the lies that the Republicans have been telling about Obama's record, then respond with the truth. Here's an example:

"Republicans have been spending millions of dollars on ads that tell you all about a President they invented. You saw Clint Eastwood talking to him a week ago. You can't see him because he doesn't exist. The Republicans know that they can't run against President Obama's real record, so they have invented "Invisible Obama.

"The Republicans will tell you that Invisible Obama cut the work requirements from the welfare programs because he wants welfare recipients to do nothing for their check. That's a lie. The real President Obama worked with governors to allow them to change requirements to INCREASE the ability of welfare recipients to work.

"The Republicans will tell you that Invisible Obama hates the public sector, and has worked to sabotage private sector job growth. That's a lie. Under the real President Obama, job growth in the private sector has increased at a faster rate than it did under President George W. Bush."

And so on, and so on, and so on.

You're welcome.

Why isn't "conservative comedy" funny?

With rare exception (I despise Rush Limbaugh as a person, but some of the parody songs he plays on his show are hilarious), "Conservative comedy" just isn't funny. I think I've figured out why, so here goes.

Ultimately, comedy is based in truth. Comedians see the truth in a way that "normal" people don't. Comedy reveals the underlying truth to people, helping them to accept it by making it funny. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, if you will. Carlin, Hicks, Louis CK, these people expose the dark underbelly of society in a way that is uncomfortable, which is why they need to make it funny. They're not lecturing us, they're letting us in on the secret, making the implicit explicit.

Today's conservative movement is deluded. By conservative movement, I mean the modern GOP, not individual conservatives, many of whom disagree with today's GOP. Look at the number of bald-faced lies made in RNC convention speeches. Several cases can be made for showing Obama the door (although I think they are all invalid if the replacement is the current GOP). If actual arguments exist for their side, why does the GOP continue to invent arguments?

I have theories, but I'll save them for another time.

The reason "conservative comedy" doesn't work is because it's not based on the truth. Hurr Hurr Teleprompter! Any reasonably intelligent person who thinks about a teleprompter joke for a moment sees the lie. Would someone who relies on a teleprompter do well at a debate? Oh, he wouldn't? Then how come Obama outperformed McCain at the debates? Oh...it's bullshit, isn't it?

So, if you want to know why conservative comedy doesn't work, remember that last week, a national party built a convention on an out-of-context statement that anyone with half a brain can see through. A convention built on lies? Congratulations, Republicans. You DID build that.

Sneak peek at next week's DNC

Spinoffs I'd like to see

On the last episode of the great podcast Pop Culture Happy Hour, the panelists discussed potential spinoffs. I made my own list. Please to enjoy.

1. "Troy and Abed in the Morning" - does this need an explanation?

2. "Dharma and Cregg" - Alison Janney's West Wing character takes that billion dollar job offer at the end of the series, but ends up on a mysterious island.

3. "You Again?" - Rob Lowe plays both his character from The West Wing and his character from Parks and Recreation, who discover *SPOILER* they are THE SAME PERSON.

4. "Infinite Jess" - After a relapse into caffeine pill addiction, former Bayside graduate and Rhodes Scholar Jessie Spano becomes a critically-acclaimed author, but will her upper addiction wreck her new career?

5. "Hogwarts and All" - A prequel series to Harry Potter, in which Professors McGonagall and Dumbledore try to teach children magic and morals while dealing with the smoldering sexual tension between them.

 

2001 Amateur Restoration

RNC or Expendables 2?

Apple Kills Star Trek

A while back, my friend asked me to do a voice in a video. Yesterday, it hit the front page of Reddit. Here it is:

 

Never get busted for cheating again

A bit of a change...

I started The Fake News about a decade ago. As time has passed, I have ended up writing less and less news satire and more and more of everything else. So The Fake News will now officially become Jimmywellington.com.

You'll still occasionally see news satire, but this site will become more of a place for multiple forms of humor. Thanks for the support over the years, and I hope this change will lead to an increase in productivity.

You've no doubt noticed the new layout. I figured that a major change should be accompanied by a new look. You'll see more tweaks in the near future. I'm also disabling comments. Each post I make receives hundreds (sometimes thousands) of spam comments. Yes, I use a spam filter, but the signal-to-noise ratio is just about zero.

If you really feel the need to respond to something, send me an email at thefakenews@gmail.com.

Thanks again for the support over the years, and I hope you keep coming back.

- Jimmy

You Didn't Build That!

(This was posted a few weeks ago, but was deleted while troubleshooting)

Mars Curiosity Rover Bites Off More Than It Can Chew

(This was originally posted a while back, but the post was deleted while troubleshooting)

[caption id="attachment_1206" align="alignleft" width="480"] Quick, IDKFA! IDKFARRRRRGHH![/caption]

Christian Fundamentalist Group Proposes New Bible Translation

In 1517, Martin Luther wrote his “Ninety-Five Theses,” setting the stage for the Protestant Reformation. Nearly five centuries later, a small group of revolutionaries are planning to repeat history.

[caption id="attachment_1176" align="alignright" width="300"] We'll tell you what Jesus meant.[/caption]

If you looked at Chris Garrison, you wouldn’t see someone brimming with religious fervor. Appearances can be deceiving, however, as the twenty-one year old is attempting to change the way the Bible is understood.

Garrison is leading a movement seeking to introduce a new translation of the Bible into churches worldwide.

Known as the NFV, or New Fundamentalist Version, this translation attempts to make the teachings of Jesus easier to understand for Christians.

Is "Kevin" a jerk for not standing for the Pledge of Allegiance?

OK, I know this isn’t really “fake news,” but oh well. I’ve been seeing the cartoon pictured here (created by Steve Breen) on quite a few of my friends’ Facebook walls. While at first glance, the message of the cartoon seems like something everyone can get behind, upon further thought, the cartoon is perpetuating several ideas that people believe even though they are not true.

From the comments that inevitably accompany the posting of this cartoon, I’m supposed to think that “Kevin” is an asshole. The artist chose to depict the young man with his feet up on his desk. The problem with this is that while perhaps this young man is not standing to say the pledge because he’s lazy or a prick, this young man is meant to represent anyone who chooses not to stand. So, problem number one is that this cartoon is saying that anyone who doesn’t stand for the pledge is doing so because he’s just being a punk. Since many people who choose not to stand do so for, you know, a reason, Breen commits a classic ‘strawman” fallacy.

 

Secondly, regardless of the reason that Kevin refuses to stand, which I’ll get to in a minute, the teacher points out that Kevin is acting within his rights. In West Virginia State Bd. of Educ. v. Barnette, the U.S. Supreme Court ruled that students could not be compelled to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance. The teacher’s subtext here is “I am going to publicly shame you for choosing to exercise your rights.” If the marine protected the student’s right to stay seated, isn’t the student choosing to exercise this right a validation of the marine’s sacrifice? If the marine is upset, perhaps he had a different motivation. You can’t say you’re defending someone’s rights, then become upset when they exercise those rights that you defended. Free speech protection does not protect speech which the majority agrees, because that would be superfluous. It protects unpopular speech.

Happy hockey day!

WTFN All Episodes

Season 1 of WTFN is all here for your enjoyment. Share it with your friends and enemies.











Episode 6 was written by Ben Dickson. Check out more of his work here.

The NHL's real priorities

Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks of All Time Roundup Roundup.

[caption id="attachment_1094" align="alignright" width="188" caption="This is what "journalists" at CNN look at every day."][/caption]

While real journalists go out and “interview” people and “write things down,” today’s media sources have taken to commenting on existing material. Every April 1, one can expect to find hundreds of run-downs of “The Greatest April Fool’s Day Pranks of All Time!” Here at The Fake News, we think this is bullshit. Journalism doesn’t get a day off. How hard is it to just compile a list of things from the internet and add a few comments?

To bring attention to this unacceptable practice, here are a few of the round-ups making the rounds this year.

1. The Vancouver Sun – The Sun is cheating even more than usual. All they have done is provide a link to a pre-existing video listing the greatest April Fool’s Day pranks. Do some work!

2. Trendy Gamers – This site lists the top ten video game related pranks of all time. What they fail to mention is that this caveat places the overall ranking of these pranks down around 15,000-30,000 in the “overall pranks” rankings.

3. V101.9 FM – The now-standard “Why do original content, let’s just embed some YouTube clips in an article and go out drinking” technique.

4.


5. Random Perspective - You have to hand it to this guy. He was able to find pranks that nobody else is reporting.

 

WTFN Trailer Online Now!

All episodes can be found here:

Mitt Romney's New Book Cover Leaked

 

Newt Gingrich Threatens to Leave Race Unless America Agrees to Open Presidency

[caption id="attachment_1069" align="alignright" width="314" caption="Gingrich's next book cover"][/caption]

After Rush Limbaugh calls America "sick," Newt Gingrich begins looking for other presidencies.

South Carolina -

A presidential primary becoming known for its galvanic swings of support behind each candidate took another turn today, as news broke that Newt Gingrich, now considered a possible genuine threat to a Mitt Romney nomination, is quietly looking into running for the presidency of other countries.

The reports followed a diatribe by popular radio host Rush Limbaugh, who said, “This country is sick. President Obama, if that is his real name, has been systematically destroying this country. I wouldn’t be surprised if it has a few years left to live, if that.”

While this news may surprise some, those who have been following the news about Mr. Gingrich’s private life have been expecting it.

In 1981 Mr. Gingrich divorced his first wife after she was diagnosed with cancer. In 2000, he divorced his second wife, who had recently been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

“After hearing Limbaugh’s comments, Newt began asking other countries if they were interested in him being their president,” said a Gingrich campaign official, speaking anonymously. “He’s been running Mexico on a trial basis, but he wants to wait for a commitment from them before dropping out of the US race.”

New Rick Santorum Book Cover Leaked