Man Loses 125 Pounds By Divorcing Cheating Whore of a Wife

Everywhere New Haven, CT resident Max Whitcomb goes these days, his friends remark at how much weight he has lost. Everyone wants to know his secret, which he is quick to share. "I divorced that cheating bitch, Brenda".

[caption id="attachment_354" align="alignright" width="257" caption="She was a whore when she was sober, too"][/caption]

Whitcomb's loss of 125 pounds in the 5 seconds it took for him to sign the divorce papers is thought to be a new record. At press time, officials from the Guiness Book of World Records were unable to verify the feat against other weight loss achievements.

"She slept with half of the neighborhood", said Whitcomb. "She even nailed Rob and Jim, the gay couple that live down the street".

In other weight loss news recently, former Playboy model-current punchline Anna Nicole Smith has shed 50 pounds, although she still hasn't shed the "whale that used to be hot" image.

When asked for his comment on the astounding weight loss, diet guru Dr. Atkins's reply was silence followed by some bones shifting.

Trogdor Burninates California Countryside

Don't know who the hell Trogdor is? Click Here

The California countryside has been ablaze for the last 3 days, thanks to Trogdor, the "Burninator". The dragon-man had reportedly been spotted in the area over the past week, but no one had been able to conclusively prove his presence, or even his existence, until yesterday. A San Diego NBC 7/39 news crew captured the elusive beast in all his majesty about to burninate a few grass roof cottages in the Descanso area.

[caption id="attachment_359" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Trogdor, captured in mid-burnination"][/caption]

At least 200,000 acres have been burninated since Saturday night, with over a thousand homes destroyed. Strongbad, the man said to have created Trogdor, had this to say about his protege: "Ha! Trogdor strikes again!"

Descanso resident Jeremy Lovett was one of the few eyewitnesses to witness the animal in all his majesty. "My wife was looking out the window, and she said that there was something in our yard. I asked her what it was, and she said, 'it's a man...no, wait....it's a dragon-man, or maybe it's just a dragon.' Then my son yelled, 'It's Trogdor, the Burninator!' I asked him how he knew the beast's name, and he said he had no idea. Strange."

This isn't the first time that Trogdor has been blamed for illegal burninating. A die-hard Detroit Red Wings fan, he became incensed at the team's early exit from the playoffs last year, and destroyed 4 city blocks.

Lame-duck California Governor Gray Davis had some choice words for the dragon. "Just because you're all majestic and stuff, you can't just go around burninating things. There are rules in this society, sir, and the fact that you're a 2-dimensional cartoon does not excuse you from blame for the death and destruction you caused. Shame on you!" Davis then shook his finger angrily, and threatened to start a Trogdor smear campaign.

The latest plan to combat Trogdor's burninating rampage consists of Governor-elect Schwarzenegger, a helicoptor, a rocket lancher, a beautiful native woman, and a comic sidekick.