IOC Cracking Down On High-Fives by Medal Winners

After condemning celebrations by American snowboarders and Canadian hockey players, the International Olympic Committee is taking a hard look at excessive celebrating by medal winners. Saying such excessive celebrations lack the decorum and propriety which should accompany the fruition of four years of grueling training and countless competitions, the group is working on a list of acceptable celebrations for future winners.

[caption id="attachment_694" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Test: Is this an acceptable celebration?"][/caption]

The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.

From: IOC

To: Olympic Athletes

Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes

As of today, Olympic athletes may not:

1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler.

Bill Clinton Rushed to Hospital After Misreading “Candy Striper” Article

On Thursday, Bill Clinton was reportedly rushed to a New York hospital due to chest pains. Hospital spokespeople say the 42^nd President of the United States is recovering well and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has arrived and is by his side. The Fake News has obtained an exclusive, off-the-record interview that indicates a different series of events than what major media outlets are reporting.

[caption id="attachment_687" align="alignright" width="219" caption="President Clinton will be able to resume his normal level of hitting on chicks in under a week"][/caption]

According to our source, the former President was having a leisurely breakfast when he suddenly dropped the newspaper, grabbed his chest, and said, “Oh my God.” When aides asked him what was wrong, he said, “I need to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital right away.” Our source stayed behind to search for evidence of possible poisoning and glanced at the newspaper Clinton had dropped.

“I didn’t think of it until later,” our source said. “But, at the top of the paper was a large headline that read ‘New York Presbyterian Candy Striper Program Rated Best in Country.’ I remembered Mr. Clinton’s reading disability that causes him to involuntarily add an extra ‘p’ to words, and figured out what happened.”

While “letteraderitis” is a rare learning disability, it seems to effect U.S. Presidents at an alarming rate. George W. Bush is perhaps best known for adding the letters “W,” “M,” and “D” to Iraq.

This isn’t the first time that Clinton’s reading problem has caused some confusion. “While he was President,” our source says, “he kept sending out memos about wanting to attend the Supper Bowl. We thought he was just poking fun at Ronald Reagan’s declining mental state during his second term.”

English Graduate Student Takes Ten Minutes to Place McDonald’s Order

Passersby wondered why there was a thirty car backup at the Byram, NJ McDonalds yesterday. Some speculated that perhaps the fast food chain had run out of sesame seed buns. The truth was much more mundane, but no less annoying.

[caption id="attachment_683" align="alignright" width="280" caption="Take forever!"][/caption]

Justin Digger is a graduate student at a nearby private college, and was so used to filling his speech with empty multisyllabic words and vague pontifications that he is no longer able to adapt his speech patterns when faced with mundane tasks.

According to an eyewitness, this was some of Digger’s order:

Digger: “Oh my goodness, this Big Mac culinary delicacy is an accidentally erotic gustatory sensation that explodes with an arsenal of tiny sesame bullets, sending a direct tactical strike to my neurological pleasure epicenter! Your fantastic gastronomic selection fills the belly of my soul!”

Employee: “So do you want the Big Mac or not?”

Digger: “Wow, I cannot cogitate that my personal economic situation is capable of producing such stupendous flavor options, like this exquisite restaurant flooding its torpedo tubes of delicacy to facilitate an annihilation of my pleasure center.”

Employee: “I’m not an English major, but I’m pretty sure George Orwell is clawing his way out of his grave to cock-punch you.”

A Bit of a Slowdown...

Hi everyone!

You've probably noticed that I've been updating far less frequently. The real world has interfered with my fun and I'm busy most of the time doing other things. I will attempt to post a new story weekly, although that might get pushed back to by-weekly for a while. While there is a dearth of new stories, please take a look at the archive, there are a lot of great stories there.