The New York Yankees lost Game Six of the World Series to the Florida Marlins, which gave the Florida team the title of Major League Baseball champions for the year 2003. The owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, decided not to wait till the end of the night to make any changes to his team, and announced that he had sold the New York team, and bought the Florida Marlins.
Steinbrenner announced that he had retained the rights to every player on the Yankee team, including Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Alfonso Soriano, and the unborn child of a scientific experiment between Roger Clemens and David Wells.
When asked if Steinbrenner had gone too far, Yankees fans responded: "How the fuck did we lose that series, we should have hit the shit out of that 'D-Train' bitch Dontrell Willis....wait, he's on the Yankees now? Holy shit, he's the fucking best pitcher I've ever fucking seen!
The "Yankee Switcheroo" has been seen before when Roger Clemens changed his nickname from "fucking BoSox Stupid Fucking Asshole" to "The Greatest Fucking Pitcher I've Ever Fucking Seen!"
Steinbrenner also bought a few other teams, most notably the Oakland A's, Minnesota Twins, and Boston Red Sox. According to reports, players on those teams were offered twice their salary to not play next year, and all in question eagerly accepted.
Sunday, October 26, 2003
Friday, October 24, 2003
Bin Laden Calls For Red Sox Manager's Firing: CIA Says Tape Authentic
The United States government released the newest Osama Bin Laden audiotape today, and it turns out that the international terrorist is quite the baseball fan. Bin Laden had plenty to say about his favorite team, the Boston Red Sox, and makes it quite clear that he is not a fan of manager Grady Little.
An excerpt from the tape has Bin Laden saying, "OK, so you capitalist fuckers want proof that I'm still alive? Wait for Grady Little to die in a horrible car accident two weeks from today, you can just go ahead and attribute that to me right now."
CIA experts have been working around the clock, and are "95% sure" that the newest tape from the Al Quaeda terrorist organization leader is authentic. They say that Bin Laden not only made references to the Red Sox latest World Series close call, but also referred to the San Diego Chargers horrible season, although other sports experts have pointed out that predicting another disappointing series for the Chargers is akin to prognosticating that it will rain a lot in Seattle this year.
Many baseball experts have taken Little to task for his decision to leave a clearly tired Pedro Martinez in there against a veteran Yankees team. The Red Sox blew a 4-0 lead as well as a 5-2 lead with only 5 outs separating them from their first World Series appearance since 1986.
Bin Laden stated in the tape that he was all but retired from the internation terror business until Aaron Boone took the first pitch from Tim Wakefield far over the left field wall, to propel the Yankees into yet another World Series appearance for Major League Baseball's most storied franchise.
One of the only positives for Red Sox fans is that it seems that the apocalypse will be postponed until at least next October.
An excerpt from the tape has Bin Laden saying, "OK, so you capitalist fuckers want proof that I'm still alive? Wait for Grady Little to die in a horrible car accident two weeks from today, you can just go ahead and attribute that to me right now."
CIA experts have been working around the clock, and are "95% sure" that the newest tape from the Al Quaeda terrorist organization leader is authentic. They say that Bin Laden not only made references to the Red Sox latest World Series close call, but also referred to the San Diego Chargers horrible season, although other sports experts have pointed out that predicting another disappointing series for the Chargers is akin to prognosticating that it will rain a lot in Seattle this year.
Many baseball experts have taken Little to task for his decision to leave a clearly tired Pedro Martinez in there against a veteran Yankees team. The Red Sox blew a 4-0 lead as well as a 5-2 lead with only 5 outs separating them from their first World Series appearance since 1986.
Bin Laden stated in the tape that he was all but retired from the internation terror business until Aaron Boone took the first pitch from Tim Wakefield far over the left field wall, to propel the Yankees into yet another World Series appearance for Major League Baseball's most storied franchise.
One of the only positives for Red Sox fans is that it seems that the apocalypse will be postponed until at least next October.
Tuesday, October 07, 2003
Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone
The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.
[caption id="attachment_362" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Here, honey. Blow into this"]
[/caption]
The "Drunk-Phone" comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly. If a high enough blood-alcohol level is measured, the phone is rendered useless.
A marketing survey shows that the vast majority of cell phone customers think that the new feature is a great idea for other people's phones, however they feel that it is unnecessary for themselves.
Jason Plimpton, a college student from San Diego State University, says it's a great idea. "That would certainly cut down on the number of drunk calls I get from my friends. I don't think that it should be mandatory though, I mean, It's not like I drunk call people."
"Jason, are you fucking kidding me?", responded his girlfriend, Kerry Stiles. You don't remember calling me at 2:30 in the morning last night saying that you killed a spider? And what about the time you called [Jason's ex-girlfriend of three years prior] Cynthia, and told her you loved her and wanted to come over and bang her? You were so drunk that you didn't realize I was standing right next to you!"
The "drunk call" feature will not be activated until midnight on weeknights, although it will be activated all weekend, since the vast majority of college students seem to view the time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning as "drunk time".
[caption id="attachment_362" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Here, honey. Blow into this"]
[/caption]The "Drunk-Phone" comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly. If a high enough blood-alcohol level is measured, the phone is rendered useless.
A marketing survey shows that the vast majority of cell phone customers think that the new feature is a great idea for other people's phones, however they feel that it is unnecessary for themselves.
Jason Plimpton, a college student from San Diego State University, says it's a great idea. "That would certainly cut down on the number of drunk calls I get from my friends. I don't think that it should be mandatory though, I mean, It's not like I drunk call people."
"Jason, are you fucking kidding me?", responded his girlfriend, Kerry Stiles. You don't remember calling me at 2:30 in the morning last night saying that you killed a spider? And what about the time you called [Jason's ex-girlfriend of three years prior] Cynthia, and told her you loved her and wanted to come over and bang her? You were so drunk that you didn't realize I was standing right next to you!"
The "drunk call" feature will not be activated until midnight on weeknights, although it will be activated all weekend, since the vast majority of college students seem to view the time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning as "drunk time".
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