"Female Viagra" Convinces Women that Men Will Call Them

Written by Jake Novak After several drug companies failed to produce a pill that can increase female libido, the pharmaceutical industry has changed tactics by introducing a new line of psychoactive drugs that won't boost a woman's sex drive, but will have the same ultimate effect.




"Many women either hold back during intercourse or forego sex completely out of fear their male partner doesn't respect them or doesn't want to pursue a real relationship," said Doctor Martha Voorhees of Novartis . "However, our new drug 'Esteemcylcin' will make any woman feel like they're sleeping with the sensitive new-age guy of their dreams."

Liza Minnelli Tapped to Replace Suha Arafat as Fat, Drunken Palestinian First Lady

Written by Jake Novak

Now that Suha Arafat is out of the picture, Palestinian leaders have quickly moved to replace her as their nation's First Lady by quickly arranging a marriage between Liza Minnelli and new PLO Chairman, Mahmoud Abbas.

[caption id="attachment_176" align="alignright" width="300" caption="My eyes!"][/caption]






"Suha was a light to our people, a representative of the women's cause, but luckily, we have Ms. Minnelli to take her place as an overweight broad who's quick-to-anger," said Palestinian spokesman Saeb Erakat.

Experts on the Arab-Israeli conflict believe Minnelli will fill Arafat's role admirably.

"Well, she's fat and just as unattractive as Suha ever was, and she's got a violent temper, which believe me, you need to succeed in the Arab world these days," said New York Times columnist and Middle East scholar Thomas Friedman. "In fact, if she would just save her most violent fits for Israelis and Americans rather than her husbands and bodyguards, she'd be a major hit!" he added.

Dolly Parton's Planned Breast Reduction Surgery Prompts Red State Crisis

Written by Jake Novak

Country icon Dolly Parton's plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation's Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.

[caption id="attachment_427" align="alignright" width="261" caption="These boobs were made for ogling"][/caption]

"This is way worse than stem cell research," said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, "I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now."

Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.

"We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway," said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, "you can bet I'll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this."

Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16's on alert.

"They'll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President's order," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.

Meanwhile, administration critics are having a field day.

"This just goes to show how the President has failed even his core supporters at a key moment," said New York Times editorial columnist Paul Krugman.

Jeb Bush Keeps Up Legal Fight to Keep Severely Brain-Damaged Brother in White House

Written by Jake Novak

In a story eerily similar to the Terry Schiavo case, Florida Governor Jeb Bush is vowing to continue his legal fight to keep his brother President for another four years.

[caption id="attachment_133" align="alignright" width="345" caption="Man, the whole family's in on this!"][/caption]

"George W. is severely brain-damaged, we all know that, but our family's hold on the White House is precious and God-given, which we know since it sure wasn't given to us by the voters," said Governor Bush while ignoring thousands of newly-homeless Floridians trying to stave off another hurricane. "We cannot know if my brother will someday come out of this semi-coma and start enacting responsible policy. While we wait, it is not for us to commit electoral euthanasia," he insisted.

Bush Promises “No Negative Advertising Against John Edwards and His Fatass Wife”

Written by Jimmy Wellington

With campaign season heating up, both parties are running advertising in key states that both support their candidacy for the White House, and attack their opponents. However, thus far in our nation, there is a line of decency that neither side have crossed, and President Bush promises that tradition will continue.




“I promise that I will not target John Edward’s fat ass wife in any of our advertisements. I will not call attention to the Democratic strategists’ borrowing of the Lane Bryant ‘Kirstie Alley’ plan, by hiding Elizabeth Edwards behind strategically placed pillows, tables, and tractor trailers.”, the President said Wednesday.

Armed Robbers Steal Priceless Finger Painting "The Doggie" From Unguarded Refrigerator

Written by Jimmy Wellington

(Milford, CT) - Residents of Milford, CT are fearful after a brazen daylight heist of priceless finger paintings from a local kitchen. Eyewitnesses said they saw two armed men running away from the scene shortly after the robbery was reported.




Five year old finger painting prodigy Michael Wallace donated the paintings to his family refrigerator last week, and people have been coming from as far away as three blocks over to admire his precocious talent.

"He's just so talented, that boy is," says 85 year old neighbor Laura Wilkerson. "He comes over once a week and gives me a new painting. I give him a Werther's Original and a quarter. I think it's obvious who's making out in that deal."

Pinocchio Becomes Real Boy, Sues Michael Jackson

Editor's Note: This classic story was originally published in August 2004

Written by Jake Novak

(Rome, Italy) Achieving a life-long dream, the wooden puppet Pinocchio turned into a true flesh and blood boy today and immediately announced his intentions to sue pop star Michael Jackson for molestation.

[caption id="attachment_262" align="alignright" width="218" caption="Tell me lies, puppet!"][/caption]

"Now that I'm a real boy, I can finally get some recourse for the years of abuse I've suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson," said a tearful Pinocchio at a news conference arranged outside his home in a quiet section of Rome. "Maybe my suffering will help stop other boys, both real and puppet, from being hurt by a man who hides behind his fame," he added.

Pinocchio's lawyers offered reporters detailed information about the alleged abuse.

"Mister Jackson lured Pinocchio to the Neverland Ranch with promises of candy and amusement park rides, but things rapidly deteriorated from there. In fact, we have evidence that Mister Jackson intentionally encouraged Pinocchio to lie so his nose would grow longer... something that was used for a myriad of vile sexual reasons," said Raul Felder, a civil lawyer working with the plaintiff.

Court's Annulment of Gay Marriages Frees Wife of Rosie O'Donnell

Written by Jake Novak

(San Francisco, CA) - The California State Supreme Court's decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O'Donnell.

[caption id="attachment_297" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Help!"][/caption]

"Oh screw the fight for gay rights, if it could get me away from that loud-mouthed fat bitch, I'd vote for Jerry Falwell" said a jubilant Carpenter outside the New York City townhouse she shared with O'Donnell and their four adopted children. "I mean when we first met, I I thought she was kind of cute in a butch sort of way, and she bought me everything I ever wanted, but there's butch and then there's BUTCH. I'm a lesbian, but if I wanted to sleep with a Mack Truck, I would have stuck with my first boyfriend from 8th grade," she added.

Friends of the couple say Carpenter had been trying to get away from O'Donnell for years, but the failed talk show host and movie actress kept dragging her across the world on gay cruises and trips to political rallies.

"The time just never seemed right," said one friend who wanted her name kept secret to avoid being attacked, or eaten, by O'Donnell. "I mean when you're at some rally talking about how lesbians deserve marriage rights, it's pretty hard to just walk out," she added.

American Corporations Lining Up For Prime Advertising Space on Israeli Wall

When the Israelis announced their plans to build a large wall protecting them from the Palestinians, many claimed that it was outrageous. But American corporations saw a golden opportunity.

"Where else can you find a canvass so big on which to paint your tasteful, yet bold marketing strategy?", said a spokesman for the men's magazine Penthouse.

Israeli leaders have been worried about where they would get the money for the monumental project, but apparently the answer lies in good old capitalism.

Interestingly enough, German based corporation Volkswagen has paid the most for advertising space, a fact which angered many Israelis, although they were pacified by finding out that the cost for the wall would not have to come out of their pockets. To the consternation of some older Israelis, according to the agreement, they would have to wear small, golden VW symbols on their clothes.

Israel announced that they would build the wall as a protection against terrorist attacks by Palestian terror groups. Palestians counter that the wall violates their inherent right to drive up to a group of Israeli school children and blow themselves up. The ACLU has been meeting with Palestinian leaders about a possible appeal to the UN.

Masochist Loves New Job as AOL Support Technician

James Johnson, a nineteen year old student at the University of Arizona, was just like any college student, scrambling to find the money to pay for books, babes, and beer. He felt that taking a job doing tech support for America Online would help. Little did he know that the job would bring out the masochist hidden inside him.

[caption id="attachment_489" align="alignright" width="269" caption="Five Days and Counting!"][/caption]

In only his first day on the job, he encountered prime examples of some of the clueless denizens of the internet, AOL customers. However, since he takes pleasure from the pain of repeating himself over and over and over, along with his flair for sarcasm, he decided this might just be the job for him.

What follows are some transcripts of Johnson's calls:

---

Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - Hi, my screen name is ChadNobleRoxors23, and I have a problem.

Johnson - Well, Mister Noble, is that your name?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well, I'd prefer if you call me Bob.

Johnson - Sure...um...Bob. What's the problem?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - My screen seems to have been burned in

Johnson - By burned in, you mean that an image is always on your monitor, no matter what page you go to?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Yes.

Johnson - Well sir, I'd suggest that you call the monitor company, we do not provide support for monitors, only connection to the internet and software in large quantities. Off the record though, [whispers] I think you need to buy a new monitor.

ChadNobleRoxors23 - I can't afford one, and if my mom sees this, I'm dead.

Johnson - What's the picture of?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well it's a picture of a guy and a...umm...goat.

Johnson - Thank you for calling AOL and have a nice day....goat fucker!

---

Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - I have an emergency! My child has swallowed an AOL CD!

Johnson - What the...how...is that even possible? How big is your child's mouth? [barely audible] Dude, Fred, listen to this one!

Customer - What do I do!?

Johnson - Ok, go to your library and pick up a book by Charles Darwin called Origin of Species, and read section 4, entitled Survival of the Fittest.

Customer - Does that tell me how to get the CD out?

Johnson - It sure does. Thank you for calling AOL, and have a great day!

Atkins Diet Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster

Written by Jake Novak

(New York) The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the Atkins diet.




"Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store," but it not so bad; people been sending me maannnny cookies... ha ha ha," Mr. Monster added.

Police say the victim was tricked each time by the Atkins insurgents posing as cookie delivery men.

"We told him to at least look through the peep hole every time someone knocks on his door, but apparently he goes into some kind of mania every time he hears the word 'cookie,' said Lt. Abby Van Buren of the 27th Precinct.

Dick Cheney Throws Away Deferment Letters in Angry Protest

Written by Jake Novak

(Washington, DC) A defiant Vice President Dick Cheney, who avoided military service in Vietnam with five separate student deferments from 1959-1969, threw away his deferment letters today in a pro-Vietnam War protest organized by several Bush Administration officials who never actually fought in the war.




"This is more than just a symbolic gesture," shouted Cheney over a bullhorn on the White House lawn, "this is our way of saying we reject the failed policies of the Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon administrations who all saw fit to listen to petty excuses and not send people like us to defend our country 40 years ago. We were able to fight, our country needed us, and just because we weren't willing and had the money to cheat the system was no reason not to make us go!" he added.

Lindsay Lohan's Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom

Lindsay Lohan's breasts announced yesterday that they will set out on their own, and that they already have their own deal to star in their own situation comedy.

[caption id="attachment_430" align="alignright" width="249" caption="We'd normally write a caption here, but we're mesmerized"][/caption]

The Fox Network, known for its high brow programming, issued a press release trumpeting Lohan's Breasts as the "number one attraction to our target demographic".

Lohan filed a lawsuit against her former body parts, stating that: "It's my body, and they can't just like go off on their own. I mean, what would I do without my breasts?"

A judge interviewed about the case doesn't think that Lohan will win the lawsuit. "The moment she decided to have implants, she gave up the right to decide what her breasts will and won't do," stated Lance Nightly. "I've spent hours studying photos of Lohan at awards shows, only pausing to take short five minute bathroom breaks, and I can say that there is irrefutable evidence showing that Lohan has indeed has breast surgery."

Nightly admitted that "perhaps further research is required".

Abu Ghraib Prison Abuse Photos Prove Arabs Have Blurry Genitals

Written by Jimmy Wellington

With the military’s prosecution of the disgraced Army MPs accused of torturing prisoners in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison continuing, an attorney for Lynndie England, one of the accused, has released information about their defense strategy. They intend to argue that England was not intending to humiliate naked Iraqi prisoners, by pointing to their private regions in pictures, but instead she was trying to point out that they have, like all Arabs, blurry genitals.

[caption id="attachment_124" align="alignright" width="370" caption="Arab men LOVE a mocking chick in uniform"][/caption]

US Government Officials deny the “blurry genital” theory, saying that it’s “patently absurd”. According to officials, the pictures were professionally altered so soccer moms wouldn’t have to explain to their children that men have penises and women have vaginas.

"The Passion" Blamed For Nationwide Increase in Drive-By Stonings

Martha Washington cradles her son's head in her arms as he draws his last breaths. His body is a bloody, broken mess. The murder weapons lie nearby on the cold pavement.

It is a scene that's all too common in today's inner cities. However, Leon Washington was killed not by bullets or knives, but large stones taken from a nearby construction site. Welcome to the latest craze in the inner cities of America, drive-by stonings.

[caption id="attachment_440" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="I know this guy looks like he's sleeping, but he's really been stoned to death. Really."][/caption]

Stoning used to be a common practice in biblical times, long before bullets became the preferred method of slaying one's enemies. Los Angeles Police chief Richard Linkletter thinks this is due to the negligible costs of stones.

"These hoodlums don't care how they ice that homey down the block that be invading their turf. Someone will be just as dead if they're bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks as if they got a couple caps popped in they ass. This way, they got more bank for bitches, foties, and bling bling."

Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ" has been receiving the lion's share of the blame for the stoning trend, just a few weeks after the movie was said to be anti-semetic, violent, and "the worst date movie of all time".

The movie has also been the biggest box office juggernaut so far this year, taking in over a quarter of a billion dollars since its release in late February.

Mrs. Washington has a message for the youths of America: "If you're thinking about picking up a stone in anger, please don't. Smoke a blunt, slap a ho, just please no more senseless violence. That person you kill has a mother that loves them. And about 1% of them have a father too, someone that cares for their child, and takes responsibility for impregnating a 16 year old girl and doesn't run off to play their next game in the NBA, and never show their face around here again, isn't that right, Kobe?"

In related news, noticing their proficiency in rock-related violence, Palestinians are recruiting American youths for "Operation Throw A Bunch of Rocks At Jews".

MTV Begins Filming For "The Real World: Abu Gharib"

The MTV network is taking reality television to a whole new level, with their new season of The Real World, now filming in Abu Gharib prison in Iraq. The setting should be familiar to anyone that's watched the news, read the paper, or interacted with humans in the past few weeks.

[caption id="attachment_433" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This house is going to ROCK!"][/caption]

MTV executives felt that the casts of previous seasons of the popular show were spoiled, and had too much "cool stuff". "We decided it was time to go back to basics," said MTV programming executive Randall Plassky.

Cast members on the show will be housed in the same prison made famous by several of our finest men and women. "We wanted them to be in a place with a lot of creativity around them,""said Plassky. "I mean, look at those pictures! Iraqi Rodeo! I wish we had thought of that first!"

Rich Jarvis is one of the new cast members, and has said that it's always been a dream of his to be on the show. "Ever since the first season, I pictured myself in a cool house, with like a jacuzzi and stuff. But dude, this house blows."

Unlike other residents of the prison, The Real World cast members are allowed to room together, and even have some say in what goes into the decoration of their rooms, called "cells".

In another twist, the employees of the prison don't know that the cast members are filming a television show. One of the employees, Jimmy Killington, said that they were so used to people taking pictures and videos that they don't even notice cameras anymore. "We make a lot of movies, so it wasn't really strange. We did wonder why all the sudden there were hot chicks as prisoners."

The employees try to make the time fun for the prisoners by playing games with them. One of the games they play is "Hide the Glowstick". Unfortunately, this game loses its appeal after the first few times. Apparantly, they always hide the glowstick in the same place.

Rich wasn't very happy with the "glowstick game". "At first I thought we were going to have a rave party," he said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Larry Flynt's Reply to "The Vagina Monologues": "The Dick Diatribes"

Hustler magazine owner and free speech activist Larry Flynt has commissioned a new play, set to debut in late May 2004. "The Dick Diatribes" is intended to be a counterpoint to Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues", which is a celebration of a woman's body, specifically the main sexual organ, long a topic of embarrasment for most women.

[caption id="attachment_437" align="alignright" width="300" caption="So I'm with this hooker, right?"][/caption]



In an interview with The New York Times, Flynt explained his motive behind the play:

"I think that Ensler broad was onto something. I mean, it's such a common thing for men to be ashamed of their bodies. Men are scared to talk about their penises, and it's not like they like to show other people or slap it against their sleeping friends' faces."

Reprinted below is an exerpt from the upcoming play.

What is the strangest thing your penis has ever done?

Businessman

One time I was watching MTV and a Britney Spears video came on. I believe it was Toxic, although I don't really remember the music too much, if you know what i mean. All the sudden my penis became very excited and actually unzipped my pants from the inside. It was like it had a mind of its own. I stood up without even realizing what I was doing, and my penis led me to the television. It slammed itself into the image of Ms. Spears over and over.

If there was one adjective that you had to pick to describe your cock, what would it be?

Record Store Owner

Definitely masochistic. I had just visited the Sports by Brooks site, and just totally abused my penis to the newest picture of Kim. My penis had barely had time to return to its normal, flaccid state when I glanced at another picture on the site, this time Vanessa. Before I knew what was happening, my dick was hard again and it actually jumped into my hand.

Flynt has stated that former comic giant Andrew Dice Clay is among those slated to appear in the opening run.

Peter Jackson to Follow Oscar Win With "Elton John: Return of the Queen"

When "Return of the King" swept the Academy Awards last Sunday, winning all 11 statues it was nominated for, Best Director Peter Jackson has become one of the most sought after directors in Hollywood. Rumors abound that Jackson has signed on to direct the new remake of King Kong. But after spending years filming monsters, wizards, and dwarves, it seems Jackson doesn't have the desire to work with a giant ape, opting for something a little more fabulous.

[caption id="attachment_445" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Elton hopes to win Best Song (and Best Hat)"][/caption]

Like it or not, gay is in. Gay marriages being performed, anti-sodomy laws repealed, even several scenes between Frodo and Sam, the two main protagonist of the "Rings" stories, where they seemed to be...rather...well, basically butt-buddies.

Word has leaked out that Jackson's newest project will be a film version of gay icon Elton John's autobiography, titled "Elton John: Return of the Queen". Metrosexual icon Justin Timberlake is slated to play Elton, and has stated that he has been having sex with Clay Aiken in order to prepare for the role.

Iran reports: Kucinich Has Osama Bin Laden in Basement

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Finally, the answer to the question that all of America is asking: "What in the holy hell is Dennis Kucinich still doing in the race?"

[caption id="attachment_179" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Have you seen my wife?"][/caption]









News reports out of Tehran, Iran indicate the Congressman from Ohio bought the terrorist leader on E-Bay, narrowly outbidding two other users.

To political activist and, for some unknown reason, still Presidential candidate Al Sharpton, the reports answer a lot of questions about Kucinich's remaining presence on the campaign trail.

"During the debates, he's always sitting there with a smug look on his face, even though he never says a damn thing. He would say things like, 'Wait till you see what I got', in a little kid's sing-song voice. Unbelievable."

Gibson "Passion" Shocker: Carbs Killed Christ!

Mel Gibson has been under criticism for some time due to his new film on the last hours of Jesus, called "The Passion of the Christ". Jewish leaders are up in arms, saying that "The Passion" is anti-semetic, in that it shows Jews killing Jesus.

[caption id="attachment_447" align="alignright" width="220" caption="Your salvation: Sponsered by Dr. Atkins"][/caption]



Today, word leaked that the real shocker to the story, has nothing to do with Jews, but rather carbohydrates, which clinical studies have shown to be the source of all that is unhealthy in today's Americans.

According to the film, Christ was devoted not only to being the savior of the human race, but also to Dr. Atkins, the man behind the diet craze "The Atkins Diet", which preaches ingestion of large amounts of protein and small amounts of carbohydrates.

The movie reveals that Christ did not die according to the age-old belief that he was nailed to a large wooden cross, but rather by a ham and cheese sandwich, in much the same way as another larger than life figure, Mama Cass.

Gibson claims that a newly unearthed biblical passage from the gospel of John is the basis behind this revelation.

John 18:30 - "And Judas Iscariot, a trusted disciple of Christ offered up to him a ham and cheese sandwich, with lettuce and mayonnaise. And Jesus saw that it was good. "But Judas, I cannot eat this. There are carbs." And verily Judas waved his hand in front of of Christ's face and said, "these are not the carbs you speak of. This is a fish fillet." And Jesus' eyes were clouded by the hand of Satan working through the traitor Judas. And he ate. And the skies opened and the clouds came forth and later Jesus had a heart attack, slipped on some ice and died.

Actor in Valtrex Ad Criticized for Method Acting Approach

Written by Jimmy Wellington

At first glance, Noel Martin’s acting debut in a Valtrex advertisement does not seem terribly noteworthy. He is only on screen for approximately 5 seconds and has one line. However, the fact that he actually contracted herpes to “get more into the mindset” of his character has created quite a stir.

It is not unusual for actors and actresses to use “method acting” in movies and on the stage. Marlon Brando and James Dean are just a few illustrious names in the “method” role call. However, it is almost unheard of in the field of television commercials.

[caption id="attachment_284" align="alignright" width="300" caption="While Valtrex treats herpes, it doesn't prevent imaginary friends"][/caption]

Martin thinks that there is nothing wrong with his approach to the role.

“I had trouble realizing exactly how my character [Herpes Guy #2] would see the world, considering that he has a venereal disease that Valtrex is able to treat effectively. Would he be ecstatic? Or would he have more of a composed joy, so as not to irritate his friends stricken with syphilis or other sexual diseases the drug cannot help? Not having herpes myself, I could not answer these questions."

EA Sports Attempts To Corner Lucrative "Gaymer" Market

Rick McMahon has a problem, one that many accross America struggle silently with everyday. Rick is gay. He has long since come to terms with his lifestyle, and feels completely comfortable with his sexuality. However, he is an avid gamer and feels that there is no title that appeals to his favorite activities. Until now.

[caption id="attachment_452" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Olympic champion Sarah Hughes"][/caption]

EA Sports, a division of Electronic Arts Games, recently decided that homosexual gamers, or "gaymers" as they are referred to by EA insiders, are an untapped market with unlimited potential.

In the past year, Corporate America has found that the homosexual community had an immense amount of buying power, and have blatantly marketed products and services to gays and lesbians. One industry insider doesn't know why it has taken so long for marketing agencies to realize the power of those who count sodomy as a normal part of their sexual repertoire.

"Obviously the gay and lesbian community has a lot of influence in this country, is there any other reason that Cher and Barbara Streisand are considered important artists?"

EA Sports originally thought that its football game, Madden 2004, would attract gaymers with its musclebound men wearing skin type pants and engaging in homoerotic behavior. Gaymers yawned and went back to mentally interior decorating their friends' and neighbors' living rooms.

Finally, the gaming company decided that they needed to take more drastic action and designed "Boitano 2004", which takes gaymers inside the world of one of their favorite sports, figure skating. As in their other titles, this game adheres to EA's well-known slogan "If it's in the game, it's in the game".

For example, gaymers get to color co-ordinate their own costumes, develop eating disorders, and hire thugs to maim their more talented main competitor.

A gay and lesbian studies professor at the University of Illinois believes that there is not that much difference between gays and gamers.

"For example, gay men do not have sex with women. Most gamers also don't have sex with women, although for vastly different reasons. Gay men would rather have penis, while gamers would rather play Everquest.".