Iran reports: Kucinich Has Osama Bin Laden in Basement

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Finally, the answer to the question that all of America is asking: "What in the holy hell is Dennis Kucinich still doing in the race?"

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News reports out of Tehran, Iran indicate the Congressman from Ohio bought the terrorist leader on E-Bay, narrowly outbidding two other users.

To political activist and, for some unknown reason, still Presidential candidate Al Sharpton, the reports answer a lot of questions about Kucinich's remaining presence on the campaign trail.

"During the debates, he's always sitting there with a smug look on his face, even though he never says a damn thing. He would say things like, 'Wait till you see what I got', in a little kid's sing-song voice. Unbelievable."

Gibson "Passion" Shocker: Carbs Killed Christ!

Mel Gibson has been under criticism for some time due to his new film on the last hours of Jesus, called "The Passion of the Christ". Jewish leaders are up in arms, saying that "The Passion" is anti-semetic, in that it shows Jews killing Jesus.

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Today, word leaked that the real shocker to the story, has nothing to do with Jews, but rather carbohydrates, which clinical studies have shown to be the source of all that is unhealthy in today's Americans.

According to the film, Christ was devoted not only to being the savior of the human race, but also to Dr. Atkins, the man behind the diet craze "The Atkins Diet", which preaches ingestion of large amounts of protein and small amounts of carbohydrates.

The movie reveals that Christ did not die according to the age-old belief that he was nailed to a large wooden cross, but rather by a ham and cheese sandwich, in much the same way as another larger than life figure, Mama Cass.

Gibson claims that a newly unearthed biblical passage from the gospel of John is the basis behind this revelation.

John 18:30 - "And Judas Iscariot, a trusted disciple of Christ offered up to him a ham and cheese sandwich, with lettuce and mayonnaise. And Jesus saw that it was good. "But Judas, I cannot eat this. There are carbs." And verily Judas waved his hand in front of of Christ's face and said, "these are not the carbs you speak of. This is a fish fillet." And Jesus' eyes were clouded by the hand of Satan working through the traitor Judas. And he ate. And the skies opened and the clouds came forth and later Jesus had a heart attack, slipped on some ice and died.

Actor in Valtrex Ad Criticized for Method Acting Approach

Written by Jimmy Wellington

At first glance, Noel Martin’s acting debut in a Valtrex advertisement does not seem terribly noteworthy. He is only on screen for approximately 5 seconds and has one line. However, the fact that he actually contracted herpes to “get more into the mindset” of his character has created quite a stir.

It is not unusual for actors and actresses to use “method acting” in movies and on the stage. Marlon Brando and James Dean are just a few illustrious names in the “method” role call. However, it is almost unheard of in the field of television commercials.

[caption id="attachment_284" align="alignright" width="300" caption="While Valtrex treats herpes, it doesn't prevent imaginary friends"][/caption]

Martin thinks that there is nothing wrong with his approach to the role.

“I had trouble realizing exactly how my character [Herpes Guy #2] would see the world, considering that he has a venereal disease that Valtrex is able to treat effectively. Would he be ecstatic? Or would he have more of a composed joy, so as not to irritate his friends stricken with syphilis or other sexual diseases the drug cannot help? Not having herpes myself, I could not answer these questions."