Newt Gingrich Book Cover Leaked

Herman Cain Book Cover Leaked

Letters from the Editor - Occupy Wall Street

[caption id="attachment_1041" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="by Dick Cashman, WTFN Owner"][/caption]

I’ve heard about these Occupy Wall Street protesters mulling around the streets of New York. I say I’ve heard because I have not personally seen them since I commute via helicopter.

Supposedly they are upset because they can’t find a job. I guess they’re not looking very hard. I find it hard to have sympathy for these unemployed people when I’ve always found it easy to find a job.

What’s my secret, you ask? I just ask my father. It’s very simple. In fact, you only need six words to get a job.

“Dad, can I have a job?”

If you add a seventh word, “please,” he will even let you pick what type of job you want to do. One time I forgot to say “please,” and he made me owner of the Cleveland Indians.

Man, what a lousy job.

Taking a break

Don't worry, The Fake News is not going away permanently. I just don't have the time right now to both update the site regularly as well as work on our first web series. You will likely still see site updates, but more infrequently than the last year or so. Thanks for your support, and I hope to be back updating more regularly in a few months.

- Jimmy

Tweets From the Street - Hurricane Irene

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on Hurricane Irene.

Letters From the Editor - Christine O'Donnell Ending Interview with Piers Morgan

An Open Letter to Christine O’Donnell - by Jimmy Wellington

Wow, look how far you’ve come. Just a few short days ago the dumbest thing you had ever done was appear in an official campaign advertisement in which the first four words you said were, “I’m not a witch.”

[caption id="attachment_1021" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I don't know why I'm here either."][/caption]

Now, this.

Let’s see if I can explain how the media works to you. Remember what your friend Sarah Palin told you about how you will get all the questions ahead of time and how the person will only ask what you want to talk about? That’s only on Fox News. Well, most of the other networks and hosts will let you get away with it too.

See what Piers Morgan did to you? That’s called journalism. See, the job of a reporter is to ask the questions that are the most important, not to only ask what doesn’t make you look like a backwoods ignorant bigot.

Don’t worry though. You’ve put yourself in such good company as Billy Bob Thornton, who also got upset when a reporter didn’t want to talk about bullshit. Just look how well his career is going now!

Actually, that reminds me. Why am I wasting valuable ink writing to you in the first place? I’m going to go do something more productive, like buy stock in Borders.

Obama 2012 Campaign Slogan Suggestions

Tweets From the Street - London Riots

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on the London riots.

Letters From the Editor - Bert and Ernie Gay Marrying

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Sesame Street:

[caption id="attachment_1001" align="alignleft" width="120" caption="Guest Editor: Shirley Hopper, mom, writer for WTFN"][/caption]

I read today that some people want Bert and Ernie to get married. What is our world coming to? Sesame Street is a program that we use to babysit our children and teach them the things that we don’t have time to do anymore. At one point, we were responsible for indoctrinating our children to believe everything we did. Today, with many parents working, we rely increasingly on television programs to teach our children how they should act.

When I was young, I learned that when I entered my house, I should take off my shoes and put on my slippers. Did my dad teach me that? No, he was out with his secretary, but that’s a story for another time. It was Mr. Rogers. He taught me such great lessons not only like the one I just said about the shoes, but also about how you could get away from your problems (like that one day with Mr. Jenkins after school) by just pretending to go to a land with puppets. My land of make-believe didn’t have an old king, but it did have an anthropomorphic sports bra.

Commanda - Women can go underwear-less too

Congress Desperate for a Lindsay Lohan Arrest

After over a week in which the debt ceiling crisis was the top news story nationwide, Congress is tired of the attention.

[caption id="attachment_989" align="alignright" width="333" caption="Shortly after this photo was taken, Eric Cantor flung feces on the wall and walked out on his hands."][/caption]

“Why can’t that Freaky Friday girl go off the wagon again or something,” House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio) said. “That will get us off the front page for three days, minimum.

Speaker Boehner’s bill is up for a vote in the House in less than an hour, and is expected to be as politically important as the color pen with which Malia Obama does her English homework.

“Black pen? Is she trying to play the race card?” said an incredulous Rush Limbaugh.

Political satirist @OTOOLEFAN then wrote a series of tweets asking if Limbaugh said “Black penis” as a Freudian slip.

Karl Rove ridiculed the idea that Congress is actively hoping for a major celebrity meltdown story to take the nation’s minds off the Tea Party faction’s inability to compromise in the manner of most children over the age of two.

“Still, it would have been more helpful if that Casey Anthony thing had happened this week,” said Rove.

 

Tweets From the Street - Debt Ceiling Edition

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the debt ceiling crisis.

Letters from the Editor - To Rebecca Black

Other news organizations print letters to the editor. How boring. The Fake News will instead write letters from the editor. Sometimes these will be to famous people, other times to random normal, unimportant people.

An Open Letter to Rebecca Black

[caption id="attachment_974" align="alignleft" width="150" caption="By P. Tony Garry - Guest Editor"][/caption]

Rebecca,

Is it ok if I call you Rebecca? It seems a little bit personal, but, if you recall, I have already seen you in bed, in formalwear, dancing awkwardly both inside and outside of moving cars – It’s almost like we’ve been married for years.

I awaited the “dropping” of your new video with hopeful trepidation. Would I be treated to another three-and-a-half minutes of a glorious trainwreck in which the conductor is gleefully oblivious of the impending crash, more concerned with how much fun it is to be speeding on a quickly coddled together train on tracks hastily constructed out of hubris and duct tape?

Sadly, no.

It seems, Rebecca, that you have forgotten the reason your first video was so popular. The lyrics were not bad. They were so bad that they made J.K. Rowling look like Charles Dickens. Therein lies the secret. Nobody watches bad creative endeavors. They only watch creations that are very good or so awfully bad that they offset the scale of goodness so far that they push Gigli several steps closer to “mediocre.”

Then there was the video. Ah, the video that launched a thousand parodies. Of course the artistic director of the video was a bit hamstrung by the previously mentioned lyrics. That doesn’t entirely let him or her off the hook. If you were wondering which seat you should take, why was there someone in the front seat? As every first year law student knows, one cannot kick someone out of the front seat once said person has already established a claim to said territory.

If only Clippy was still around...

Obama Changes “Debt Ceiling” to “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level”

After another day of discussions to increase the debt ceiling and avoid the United States from defaulting on its debt obligation for the first time in its history, President Obama decided that he would have to “break out the big guns.”

[caption id="attachment_965" align="alignright" width="300" caption="President Obama thinks of more things to rename"][/caption]

“They say that you should learn from your enemies,” said Mr. Obama. “I realized that I needed to stop trying to convince the Republicans to do what was best for the country and start framing the discussion so that we could attack the GOP during the next elections cycle.”

“I used to think that acting in the best interest of our nation’s citizens was the goal,” he continued. “Thankfully, I realized that winning political points comes before paying our fucking bills.”

In order to achieve his new goal, the president has decided to simply rename the “debt ceiling” to the more politically helpful “Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level.”

“If you don’t act like goddamned grownups,” he warned, “We will run ad after ad in 2012 that says you refused to increase the Patriotic Liberty Freedom Level. I don’t know about you, but I wouldn’t want to explain how I voted against that.”

While he’s renaming things, Mr. Obama announced that “ObamaCare” will be renamed “FreedomCare,” “Immigration Reform” will be renamed “The Sanctity of Marriage Act,” and “Taxing the Rich” will be called “Justice for Caylee Anthony.”

“Have you seen Facebook?” Obama said. “Vote against the ‘Justice for Caylee Anthony Act.’ I dare you.”

The Body of Chris - NSFW

Here's our latest video. If you like it, please share it with your friends.

Tweets from the Street - Casey Anthony Verdict

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth of July.

Law and Order: Tea Party Unit

Enjoy Part 3 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel.  If you like it, don’t keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!

Law and Order: Citations and Misdemeanors

Enjoy Part 2 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel.  If you like it, don’t keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!

Law and Order: Special Guest Star Unit

Enjoy Part 1 of 3 in our short video series Law and Order: Bottom of the Barrel.  If you like it, don't keep it to yourself, pass it along to your friends!

Nation's Two-Year-Olds Riot After Casey Anthony Acquittal

The nation’s two-year-olds took to the street in loud, high-pitched protest to the acquittal of Casey Anthony, accused of killing her daughter Caylee.

[caption id="attachment_939" align="alignright" width="325" caption="A massive two-year-old demands justice"][/caption]

“No justice, no peace!” babbled Houston riot leader Daquota Killington. “You like a peaceful plane trip? We will not sit down and shut up any longer. Good luck flying internationally. Invest in earplugs.”

Police have not seen two-year-old coordinated protests on this magnitude since the Katy Perry – Elmo music video was kept from airing on Sesame Street, although law enforcement still believes most of those toddlers were coerced to protest by teenage brothers.

Jose Baez, Anthony’s attorney, said, “It’s great to see that a young, attractive white woman can receive a favorable outcome in our broken criminal justice system.”

Facebook and Twitter erupted in protest of the verdict, and Nancy Grace was heard to audibly climax in anticipation of her next show’s ratings.

Still, the biggest news in the wake of the verdict is the toddler outrage.

Killington warns, “Just wait. We’re going on strike from making cute Youtube videos. We are in negotiations with the nation’s cats to support us.”

“Do you really want to live in a world with no cute baby or cat videos?” asked Killington. “What will you do at work?”

Tweets From The Street - Fourth Of July Edition

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the Fourth of July.

Why Online Protests Don't Work

Campaign Slogans We'd Like To See

State Fair Vendor to Debut Deep Fried Diabetes

On Friday, August 5^th, NJ State Fair vendor Gerry Loktic will debut his new food item, bound to attract a plethora of fairgoers—deep fried diabetes.

[caption id="attachment_907" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Yes, those are diabetes balls"][/caption]

“I kept seeing other vendors raise the bar,” Loktic said. “It started with normal things like Twinkies and Oreos that were covered in batter and deep fried. After a while, each vendor tried to outdo everyone else with things like deep fried Kool-Aid, butter, and pacifiers.”

Loktic remembered his Business 101 class from college, in which he learned that a business should value efficiency. He decided that his customers were obviously interested in contracting Type 2 diabetes, so he thought he should get rid of the middle step.

“Anyone who takes a food like a Twinkie and decides that the way to improve it is to make it more terrible for your body is obviously hoping to join the insulin club,” said Loktic.

 

Tweets From the Street - NY Gay Marriage

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on the NY gay marriage bill

Tweets from the Street - Afghanistan Troop Levels

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Earlier this week, we asked for their thoughts on President Obama's speech on troop levels in Afghanistan.