I love IMing

I like to think that I have some pretty funny IM conversations. And since I'm bored and have nothing else to post, here is one... The other name has been changed, to protect something or other.

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: you still golf

[22:02] jimmy’s friend: ?

[22:03] drevil877: i haven't had time lately

[22:03] drevil877: i have a free round for 2 with a cart at the Bonita course whenever I can

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: im going for the first time in 10 years, next week

[22:04] drevil877: wow

[22:04] drevil877: let me know how it turns out

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: its going to be ugly

[22:04] jimmy’s friend: but itll be fun

[22:04] drevil877: i heard that the trick is to not take a lot of swings

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: ha

[22:05] drevil877: and to hit it straight

[22:05] drevil877: and far, except when putting

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: im going to practice my slice

[22:05] drevil877: awesome

[22:05] jimmy’s friend: yup

[22:05] drevil877: i can slice the shit out of the ball

[22:06] drevil877: it's my best shot

[22:06] jimmy’s friend: yeah i plan on using mine to its full advantage

[22:06] drevil877: i find it's best to line up at a 90 degree angle

[22:06] drevil877: with the hole on your right

Today's burning question: Am I the only one that was shocked when Brooke Shields said she was pregnant again?

Seriously, am I the only one that thinks that maybe this isn't such a great idea?

Have baby.
Get severe post-partum depression
Make lots of money selling book about post partum depression
Immediately have another baby.

Is she just using this baby to set up a book franchise thing? "Down came the rain...again!" And this time it's pouring!

I'll leave you with this quote:

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." - Brooke Shields.

Hey Brooke, Depression can kill.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important chance to
make money.

Fat? Skinny? It doesn't matter, you're still not hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Fat? Skinny? It Doesn't Matter, You're Still Not Hot

Today's fun fact: 23% of all photocopier faults worldwide
are caused by people sitting on them
and photocopying their butts.

Today's installment of "Hot Chicks that Aren't Hot" goes back to a simpler life. Don't worry, you'll be seeing Miss Richie's co-star appearing in a future installment of HCTAH.

Nicole Richie burst onto the world's stage as a chubby girl whose only discernable talent was sharing chromosomes with Lionel Richie. Had Mr. Richie not been too busy dancing on the ceiling to use protection, the world would be a much less annoying place.

Yet, even due to the lack of talent, Nicole has forged a career by managing to get her picture in nearly every tabloid every week. Incredibly, the paparazzi's cameras still function after snapping picture after picture of picture of that hideous mug. When her show was cancelled, Richie decided to lose weight, causing her to be both ugly and ridiculously thin. Still the supermarket magazines insist on trying to convince America that she is attractive.

One wonders how Richie manages to be photographed constantly regardless of her freakish appearance. My hypothesis involves a pen, paper, and Lucifer.

Traffic, Just Talking About Traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

The debut of "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot"

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks That Aren't Hot" Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

"Hot Chicks" Who Aren't Hot

Today's fun fact: More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received a telephone call.

Today's new feature. "Hot Chicks Who Aren't Hot."  Celebrity gossip magazines and hard hitting investigatory journalism programs such as Entertainment Tonight conspire to tell us that certain celebrities are hot, when in reality they have a face that could stop traffic. And not in that "wow, check out that chick" way, but the "did someone open the gates at the zoo?" way.

Our first girl has an album out this week. She has proven that it only takes a sister with a modicum of talent and a father who has a bit of a fascination with seeing his daughters become celebrities in order to make it in this country. Boldly putting her embarrassing "voice malfunction" episode behind her, she bravely performed at the Rose Bowl, earning what possibly could be the loudest ovation of boos since Newt Gingrich accidently walked out on stage at a Melissa Ethridge concert. But supposedly Ashlee Simpson is hot, because that's what US Weekly says, and that's good enough for America.

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Fortune Cookie Idea

Wouldn't this be the best fortune cookie fortune ever?

"You will shortly discover that you have developed a fatal allergy to MSG"

Traffic, just talking about traffic

Wow, traffic blows.

I have a great idea. We should film a PSA and run it every week. It'll be a video of the gnarliest auto accident you'll ever see. This will the be voiceover

"This is a picture of an auto accident. 4 people are dead. This is way cooler than any accident you will see on your commute this week. Take a good look. Tape it if you need to. But for God's sake, DON'T SPEND FIVE MINUTES STARING AT IT IN RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC!!

And God help you if it's on the OTHER SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY.

That is all.

Mmmmm... Moolatte

See, Dairy Queen stole my idea. This is dangerously close to the Coffee Mulatto.

Random Thoughts

Remember that drink at Dunkin Donuts? The Coffee Coolata, or whatever? Wouldn't it be great if someone had the balls to make the Coffee Mulatto? It would just be black coffee with milk, a revolutionary recipe!

I went to the Giants - Chargers game last night here in SD, and although it was fun, my Giants didn't get the result that I wanted to see.

I'm trying to teach myself to play golf, I got a book "Ben Hogan's Five Lessons", and it seems pretty good so far.

That's about it for me, I hope everyone's having a great time. Later

PS. My wife just showed me a very poorly named website.

www.artisanalcheese.com

So you think you can...work at Hooters?

http://www.thesmokinggun.com/archive/0915051hooters1.html

Its secrets are guarded more closely than the code to Ft. Knox, but The Smoking Gun was able to obtain a copy. Is there anything those guys can't get?

My favorite part is where it talks about the pantyhose. If it runs, they are obligated to change it before they continue their shift. So if you really want to get back at a Hooters girl....um...do whatever it is that causes stocking runs.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.

The hidden economics of buying presents for each other

I received a complaint that I don’t write much anymore, so here are some things that have been bothering me lately.

Why do we give presents to each other? I know its tradition and all, but if you really think about it, it is stupid at best and irresponsible at worst. Follow me here:

Now, I’m not counting family here. If you have kids, you have to buy them things, there’s no getting around that. And if you have parents, you’ll more than likely see the need to reward them for all they’ve done for you. After all, if you’re thinking back to when you were younger, you have a huge way to go to balance out the “present spending amount”. When you were 8, for example, your parents probably bought you something along the lines of:

A video game system,

A bike

GI Joe / Barbies

And other numerous toys

Depending on the wealth of your family, you’re most likely looking at a few hundred dollars.

You, on the other hand, probably bought them something from the dollar store. So don’t be complaining when you have to help put them into a home after they can’t remember if your name is Shirley or Airplane.

My main point is about gifts from friends. Think about all the different occasions when we’re expected by society to give gifts to our friends, or even people that aren’t our friends.

Weddings, Birthdays, Moving-in Parties, Baby Showers, Holidays - just to name a few.

We are obligated by society to purchase gifts if we are in attendance at these occasions. If you show up to one of these occasions empty handed, watch out! You are a bad friend, which ironically will save you money in the long run, since you won’t be invited to these events, and will not be forced to purchase more gifts.

If you look at the situation logically, what is really happening in these instances is that you and your friends are spending each others money on things that they would not normally buy. Do you really NEED that CD that you get for Christmas from your friend? How often have you gotten a present that you really needed? “Hi Bill, yeah, thanks a lot for paying my electric bill. That was a great present!”

If you’re a young person, or young family struggling to pay the bills, why should you feel that you’re forced to spend money just because your friend decides that they’re going to have a baby. That’s great for them, bad for your wallet. Also, if you never have a baby, then you’re never going to get that present back. You’re going to have a present trade deficit with that friend.

For a young person or couple, the most financially sound thing you can do is to have no friends. That way, you and you alone will dictate how and when you will spend your money. No more will you be unable to take your wife out to dinner because your co-worker decided to get married. You might be able to afford to pay all your bills in the same month.

I know it’s a crazy idea, but it just might work.

I got a new (to me) car!

Well, here's my new car. It's a 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse GS with 54500 miles. I got it through my mechanic. ;)

New Poker table pics

Well, I fixed the rail, it took me a long time. As you can see from the new pictures, it's way tighter and it looks a lot better. I took some pics with the rail off so you can see underneath. For some reason the pics turned out really blurry, I don't know exactly why.

We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today. It's the first time I've been to a movie lately that I would go back and see again tomorrow. Awesome flick.

Poker table finished

Well, it's not 100% perfect, but it's pretty damn good for my first attempt at a project like this. A lot of the pics I took came out blurry for some reason, I'll try to take some more later.

poker rail

http://gowzerpoker.com is where I got the plans from

The middle felt part is going to be royal blue

The rail is going to be dark brown

The exposed wood part is pictured.

How to kill drain flies, a tutorial

OK...

Well this didn't work out the way I wanted to. But anyway. The casa de Wellington has recently been taken over by little devils known as drain flies. the bastards look like fruit flies, but make their homes and nesting places in the drains where they feed off of biological material. Sounds like fun, right?

Anyway, you think you might have them? Here's how to tell. They are fairly small, about 1/4 of an inch. They like to hang out near the drains, like near the sink. However, they're not always over there. They like to hang out on the walls or ceiling and don't move until you disturb them. They don't really fly too much, just a bit from place to place. The first picture above the writing pictures them pretty well.

A way to control them is through a combination of homemade traps and store bought brands. However, only a certain few are worth spending your time and money on.

A good strip to use is made by a company called Victor. They come in packs of 4 and i bought them at Home Depot.

However the big daddy is something you can make yourself.

Take a jar, like about a medium pickle jar. Put in 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 cup vinegar, fill the rest with water, and put a few drops of dish soap. The flies are attracted to the sugar and vinegar combo, but drown in the soapy water.

The next picture up after these ones is a trap that doesn't work. I bought this one at Home Depot and it DOES NOT work for these flies.

The next picture up is a product called DF 5000. You need to buy this product to eliminate the source of the problem, which is buildup in your drains. Do a google search, I bought mine from do your own pest control . com or something like that. You put it down the drains for 5 days, 4 oz a day. You should buy 2 bottles if you have a drain and a garbage disposal like i do.

Then you should use a space fogger like the next picture up. That is the one I used. It's a Raid product and works very well. it sucks to move everything out and back in again, but it's worth it.

Also, you should buy some stoppers for your drains to prevent the flies from hiding in the drains before the cleaner works. They are cheap at any supermarket.

The best thing to prevent any spare leftover flies is a spray bottle of soapy water. If you see any of the little bastards around, then just spray them and they won't be able to fly and you can kill them easily. Awesome.

cut open, job prospect, book deal? It's been a busy week

This was the week where I went under the knife. I've been having a lot of trouble hearing and found out from the ENT doctor that I had a perforated eardrum. I also had a lot of other stuff that was caused by this, and yesterday the doctor operated on my poor little ear. I was in the prep room with Mrs. Wellington and the last thing I remember is thinking, "Wow, this stuff works fast". Next thing I know I'm in the recovery room. Turns out that there was a lot more stuff wrong with my ear than they thought. I'm going to have to have at least one more surgery. PS. This post is being written under the influence of Vicodin, which is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be.

I'm going to have a job interview for a job in NYC next week. Mrs. Wellington and I would love to move back to the Northeast, so this might be a great opportunity to do so. More as that develops.

My friend and fellow satire writer Brian White are in the early stages of a collaborative book project. I don't want to say too much about it until more is finalized, but suffice it to say, fans of the excellent Wellington writing will not be disappointed.

Well, it's almost time to watch the new Fox reality show So you think you can dance. I have a feeling that it should be called "so we think you'll watch anything".

We'll see.

It's been a while

Man, it's been a while since I wrote something in here. Glad that it's the end of the week and am really looking forward to the long weekend. Mrs. Wellington and I (that hot piece of ass!) are going to a Padres game tomorrow night and to the fair on Saturday. Last time I went to a Padres game I almost caught a foul ball, but ended up almost breaking my hands. And I lost the ball. Bastards.

Mrs. Wellington and I recently got an old school NES off of E-bay. It's a good thing that I say those commercials on television that showed me, in a fun and musical way, how to use E-Bay. Ya Know, "Do you know the way to use E-bay...."? Anyway, Super Mario Bros 3 is just as much fun as I remember it. Although I still have to pick up Blades of Steel, that's one of my favorite old school games.

I've been trying to listen to less politics lately, it just depresses me what this country is turning into. Most people that say that are talking about our current administration, but while I'm not exactly enamored with all their policies, the other side of the political aisle pisses me off more.

As much as this probably sounds horrible, why the hell is there all this news coverage of the missing girl in Aruba. Yes, I'm sorry she's most likely dead. Yes, I'm sorry her family is upset that she's gone. But there are worse things in the world going on, and definitely more important. There's thousands of people that go missing every day, why is she so special that she gets all these news stories? It's just like Laci Peterson and Lori Hacking. Hmmmmm...Laci.....Lori....if she's still alive, Lana Turner better watch the fuck out!

And don't even get me started on that Runaway Bride woman. I prefer to call her the Runaway Felon. I'm not sure if what she did is technically considered a Felony, but it sounds much better than calling her the Runaway Misdemeanor-committing person. I don't know who upset me more in the "big exclusive interview": Her, her husband, or Katie "I'm starting to look like Skeletor" Couric, who I'm surprised didn't find a way to bring up prostate cancer in the interview. The chick is obviously whacked out. Her husband is an idiot for staying with such an obviously insane person. And Katie Couric is possibly the worst interviewer of all time.

"Why did you run away?" Right here, any halfway mediocre interviewer would stop and let her...I don't know, maybe...answer the question??? But no, Katie gives her an easy way to answer the question by describing 18 possible answers and then, after the commercial break, let's Psycho woman say "Yes, that's what I was thinking."

I gotta run, later!

Coors Whores

So I go to my local liquor store yesterday. They have this promotion where it's a Coors Light bonanza. They have these two chicks in very revealing clothing, one at the front of the store, one at the back. They are offering specials on Coors Light. Now, here's the interesting part, when I'm drinking domestic beer, I prefer Coors Light to Bud or Miller, so I'm not totally against Coors. However, I was interested in trying out the new Samuel Adams Light, which I'd heard was quite good.

So the first girl tells me that they have a special on Coors Light beer, etc. I say that I'm not interested. She starts to follow me, but then stops and stays near the front of the store. The next one is standing near the back. I thought about getting Bud Light just to fuck with her, but she started up early.

Coors Whore: "I know you want to get some Coors Light"
Me: "No, not really.
CW: "It's really good and you can get 2 dollars off an 18 pack"
Me: "That's OK, thank you."
CW: "So what kind of beer are you going to get"
Me: "My purchasing habits are none of your business."
CW: "Well why don't you get Coors Light?"
Me: "......"
CW: "Thanks for ignoring me"
Me: "Thanks for harrassing me"

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Larry David is going through on Curb Your Enthusiasm....

What the fuck happened to Lindsay Lohan?

I don't think any celebrity has as rapidly gone from very attractive to horribly disgusting in as short a period of time as Lindsay Lohan. One minute, she's a curvy, hot young actress. Now, she looks like a younger version of Maria Shriver, AKA Skeletor. There has to be some kind of petition to sign or protest to attend. Maybe a telethon? Send in donations to buy Lindsay a sandwich?

Hey everyone

Hey everyone. You might know me from my former website The Fake News. It's still up as an archive at www.thefakenews.com. Jimmy Wellington is not my real name, but I prefer to post under my pen name so I can say whatever I want.

My first post is about reality shows. I personally HATE reality shows. American Idol isn't that bad, since Carrie Underwood is a hot piece of ass. And she can sing good too. But other reality shows drive me crazy, which is weird because Mrs. Wellington is a big fan of the genre. So I have to tolerate most of them. There have been a few that I'm just like, no way. Turn that shit off. I forget exactly which ones, but there was one about rich fuck's "sweet 16 party" on MTV. It was excruciating.

Then on The Amazing Race, this one woman said what perhaps has been the stupidest comment ever. Her boyfriend was a POW and she said something along the lines of...

"You always seem to get out of commitment. You got out of the Army."
"How so?"
"By being a POW"

If that was my girlfriend I would have stopped the car and forcibly removed her from the car and from my life. What a bitch!

That's about it for now. Later.

American School Shooters Still Not as Efficient as Rest of World

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignright" width="250" caption="Is this the face of a killer? Yeah, I guess so"][/caption]

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Last Monday, a Minnesota student went on a killing spree in his high school, killing 9 and injuring 15. While he had a higher kill rate than the Columbine duo (13 killed between the two of them), politicians claim that American school shooters still lag behind the rest of the world.




In 2002, a German student killed 17 others before taking his own life. In 2001, 2 Kenyan student killed 67 students by setting a fire. Later in 2001, a 37 year old man killed 8 students with knives and injured 13 others in a Japanese school.

Americans Relieved Tsunami All Taken Care Of

Written by Jimmy Wellington

According to a poll conducted by The Fake News, the tsunami disaster that was all over the news several weeks ago has been erased from the public's mind. In its place are such important news items as Michael Jackson's trial, the American Idol competition, and Paris Hilton's cell phone getting hacked.

[caption id="attachment_128" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark!"][/caption]

"Man, isn't it crazy that all this bad stuff keeps happening to that wonderful Paris Hilton?", said American housewife Christy Jennings. "First her home video gets stolen, now people are trying to get at her personal naked photos and phone numbers? If they don't stop whoever's responsible, soon the nude pictures and celebrity contacts I keep on my cell phone will be all over the internet!"

Olympic Search Committee Leaves New York: Homeless People, Knicks Allowed to Return

Written by Jake Novak

After a week of putting its best foot forward for the 2012 Summer Games Olympic Search Committee, New York City is letting its guard down and allowing its more embarrassing elements, like homeless people and the Knicks, to return.

[caption id="attachment_472" align="alignright" width="350" caption="Maybe we can pawn the rings for crack!"][/caption]

"Well, we didn't want the IOC to see a bunch of bums on the streets, and we also didn't want them to notice the homeless people either," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a news conference after leaving the Olympic search team off at JFK Airport. "And it's a good thing the Oscars are this weekend, because that helped most of our abusive celebrities decide to spend the whole week in L.A.," he added.

City Hall officials admitted to a well-planned effort to get the homeless and the Knicks players out of the search committee's view.

"Well, with the homeless we just gave them all a bottle of malt liquor and bus ticket to Scranton. The Knicks were a little trickier, until we found out we could get them to scatter simply by telling them they were all about to be served with paternity suits," said Deputy Mayor Dan Doctoroff. "Man, you should have seen those players run like hell when we brought that lawyer into the locker room."

But there appears to be some long-term planning as well, according to WCBS-TV political reporter Andrew Kirtzman.

"This wasn't all last-minute. First, the city was careful to invite the IOC to come only on the days of the week when Rosie O'Donnell is usually getting or recovering from liposuction. Second, they did it in the dead of winter when the Mets are safely down in Florida," said Kirtzman.

But the city is hoping there will be no hard feelings, and has already welcomed many of its temporary exiles back home.

"Last night, we let the Knicks back into Madison Square Garden and we arranged hotel rooms for twice the number of ho's they usually bring into midtown on a week night," Bloomberg said. "And as for the homeless, we're just letting them roam free on Staten Island. After a few days, their smell will be indiscernible from everything else over there," he explained.

The IOC will make its decision about the 2012 Summer Games site later this year.

Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

[caption id="attachment_184" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet "][/caption]









“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.

FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Last year, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the hands of Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show created an outrage among families nation wide. Most were enraged that Jackson's breast was shown on national television for a fraction of a second, while others were just shocked that a member of the Jackson family was asked to play at the halftime show.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="275" caption="Your FCC approved halftime show"][/caption]

This year, organizers have decided to go with a "safer" act by having former Beatles member Paul McCartney perform.

The FCC (Fascist Communists Commission) does not think that simply having a family friendly artist perform is enough of a guarantee that children will not catch a flash of a nipple, a sight that would normally involve the child lifting up their own shirt in front of a mirror or other reflective object.

Paul McCartney will be required to have a metal codpiece sewn to the inside of his pants. The pants will then be surgically sutured to his thighs, to ensure minimum chance of a body part being exposed. The FCC has reluctantly allowed McCartney to flash the piece sign, but only a maximum of three times. The reasoning for this is that of course the sign could be interpreted as "the finger" by viewers with poor vision.

(Ed. Note: The FCC has ordered The Fake News to change the phrase "viewers with poor vision" from the last paragraph to "viewers whose lack of optimal vision is made up by their other contributions to society" or face a fine of $10,000.)

In a related story, Levitra will be allowed to advertise during the Super Bowl again, since explaining "erectile disfunction" or "6 hour erection" is nowhere near as awkward for a parent as explaining that women have nipples.

When reached for comment, Paul McCartney was upset, since he was hoping to unveil his new silver penis shield.

Second Wave of Horror Hits Southeast Asia as Hollywood Stars Arrive

Written by Jake Novak

Just as it seemed things couldn't get much worse for the hundreds of thousands of tsunami victims, dozens of Hollywood celebrities have arrived in the region to "help" with the relief efforts.

[caption id="attachment_172" align="alignright" width="224" caption="Jerry's let himself go!"][/caption]



"Well you know, I just came down here to see what I could do, maybe get a few cameras on me again," said aging former star Sylvester Stallone.

"To get noticed it was either come here or go on 'The Surreal World.' But being a life-time bed-wetter, that show really wouldn't do much for me!"




Jerry Lewis arrived in Indonesia Thursday, ready with some much-needed wisecracks for the seriously injured and dying.

One Hot White Chick Injured in Tsunami Disasters (200,000 Asians Killed Too)

Written by Jake Novak

World reaction continues to pour in as relief efforts to help supermodel Petra Nemcova are increasing day by day. Meanwhile, officials say the fact that 200,000 non-supermodels were killed in the tsunami disaster is a tragedy too... but shouldn't take anything away from the fact that a super-fine White chick isn't feeling too well right now.




"There is so much we all want to do for Petra right now, because she is so hot and White and not one of the faceless, nameless little people who you usually see in this part of the world," said Betsy Mitchell, fund development co-coordinator for the Red Cross.