At any given time the US Center for Disease Control is tracking the spread of as many as 85 sexually transmitted diseases ranging from monkey clap, genital ticks, corroso-gyne, to nasal gonnorhitis. This summer, however, glitter is fast becoming the epidemic in New England.
Most often contracted from young girls attending parties, glister is a shiny speckled disease comprised primarily of plastic and happiness. Glitter affects the appearance of skin on those infected and can also be carried on clothing or in small plastic vials available at any dollar store. Typically this glitter rubs off from the infected person to her partner during any sexual contact, even necking.
Robert Stewart, a high school senior, contracted glitter from a "slutty little sophomore" at his sister's birthday sleepover. "It was awful. We were just making out and talking and I was even wearing a condom already just in case and I wake up the next morning and I'm like 'Oh no, what did I do?'" Robert had glitter on his face and hands despite repeated washings before going to his nearby clinic for treatment.
Dr Shaw at the Bellport Kiddy Pregnancy Clinic tells us, "We're seeing a lot of it this year. Thought it would be another summer for weeping cuticle sores, but no such luck. Kids come in here all sparkly and we don't even have to get the story, though we always do. Some of them are pretty messed up. I don't know, maybe it's my thing. So we just prescribe them lava soap, a loofa sponge, and send them on their way."
Infected persons usually revocer completely within 3-5 days of treatment, but if they don't wash out their clothes and bedding properly, it can come back faster than mexi-crabs at Cinqo de Mayo, and I think our readers pretty much all know about that first hand.
Despite it's epidemic growth and ease of spread, police are not concerned. Chief Kenny Ness spoke candidly with us, "Hey come on, boys want to gamble their chowder spouter's, that's their own deal. But in statutory rape cases glitter is more accurate than DNA in tracking who's been tapping who's little girls, you know? Parents in this community are glad their little cocksucker's got glitter."
Amanda Clark is a freshman at Mt. Holyoke College, and insists she's not a little cocksucker, though quite talented. "I'm glad it was glitter because as soon as [my boyfriend] came over I knew he'd been slumming his package around. Even though it was still in his hair and on his nose he tried to deny it. Said he must have caught it from a toilet seat or something."
We learn that Amanda's situation is not so uncommon. CDC officials are praising glitter for it's high visibility with their slogan "If can see, let him keep it," citing their difficulty in containing more illusive hump-nasties such as genital leprosy and the itchy sphincter syndrome. Both of those can be passed from partner to partner before the infected person will exhibit telltale signs such as absence of genitalia or a scratching at one's one sphincter.
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