How to Unlock "Bettman Mode" on NHL 13

Bettman Family Despondent after Dad Cancels Christmas

[caption id="attachment_1793" align="alignright" width="346"] Birthday's aren't guaranteed, and crying won't get you anywhere.[/caption]

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s family learned today that their father had followed up today’s cancellation of the family’s Thanksgiving meal with the news that he had no choice but to cancel Christmas as well. If no progress is made in resolving the family’s dispute, all holidays for the 2013 calendar year could be cancelled as soon as next month.

“Trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do,” Bettman said. “I wish there was another way, but at some point you have to make a hard choice as a parent.”

The exact nature of the Bettman family dispute is not clear, but sources close to the family say that the problems arose during a recent car trip.

“The family was driving to an event and Gary was worrying aloud that people would boo him,” said the source. “One of Gary’s children said under their breath ‘Like they don’t boo you every time you appear in public.’”

According to the source, Gary heard the insult and immediately cancelled the post-event family outing to Dairy Queen. He said that unless the child not only apologized, but also prevented every fan in the world from booing him, he wouldn’t do anything nice for them.

Over the following weeks, the mood in the Bettman house soured. At first they thought that Dad couldn’t possibly cancel the holidays again.

Just a few years ago, Gary cancelled the Bettman family holidays because he felt he was spending too much money on gifts for his children, who weren’t doing enough to earn his generosity. A deal was brokered that placed a limit on the amount of money he would have to spend on presents for each child, calculated as a monetary representation of that child’s worth to the family.

In addition to Bettman’s demand that the offending child prevent anyone from ever booing him ever again, he wants to recalculate the way each child’s worth is measured, as he feels that his original calculation was faulty.

“Yes, seven years ago, I got everything I asked for,” Bettman said. “But that doesn’t mean that I asked for everything I should have.”

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Matt Cooke Inspiring Asshole Kids

Even before the NHL handed him a long suspension—the rest of the regular season and first round of the playoffs—Matt Cooke has taken great strides this season to increase his appeal to asshole kids throughout the US and Canada.

[caption id="attachment_795" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Matt Cooke in a rare action shot where he is not trying to end a player's career"][/caption]

“I remember when my dad first took me to a Penguins game,” said 13 year old asshole Geoff Lawrence. “He told me how great Sidney Crosby and Alexei Malkin were, but when I saw Matt Cooke sucker punch a player, I knew whose jersey I wanted.”

For his part, Cooke acknowledges that he is just the latest in a long line of asshole NHL players.

“I used to be so jealous of Sean Avery,” Cooke says. “I mean, that guy could be a douchebag both in and out of the arena. It’s tough enough to be an asshole on the ice; it’s another thing to take that talent outside the arena.”

Lawrence beams when he tells about the time he met his idol.

“I waited outside for the team bus,” said Lawrence. “ I yelled his name and was totally surprised when he looked my way. I asked him to throw me a jersey. He did even better. He threw an elbow. I still have the three teeth he knocked out.”

Donovan’s Goal Sparks Dramatic Increase in American Pretending to Care About Soccer

[caption id="attachment_733" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The moment that an entire country pretended to care about later"][/caption]

When Landon Donovan coolly slotted the ball into the back of Algeria’s net, bars and living rooms exploded nationwide, with loyal U.S. Soccer fans elated by their country’s advancement into the second round of the World Cup. The next day, many Americans who had not watched the game, most of whom had not seen a replay, had very strong opinions about the US chances against Ghana. “All I can say is our next opponent is ‘not Ghana beat us,’” said college student Billy Miller, repeating a joke he read on a popular sports blog. He continued, “The US side, as long as they don’t concede early, should be able to get a favorable result. I just hope the official doesn’t fall for Ghana players going down to the pitch, you know, simulation. I hate that.” Miller has no idea what the words “side,” “concede,” “pitch,” “going down,” and “simulation” mean in this context.

IOC Cracking Down On High-Fives by Medal Winners

After condemning celebrations by American snowboarders and Canadian hockey players, the International Olympic Committee is taking a hard look at excessive celebrating by medal winners. Saying such excessive celebrations lack the decorum and propriety which should accompany the fruition of four years of grueling training and countless competitions, the group is working on a list of acceptable celebrations for future winners.

[caption id="attachment_694" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Test: Is this an acceptable celebration?"][/caption]

The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.

From: IOC

To: Olympic Athletes

Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes

As of today, Olympic athletes may not:

1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler.

Olympic Search Committee Leaves New York: Homeless People, Knicks Allowed to Return

Written by Jake Novak

After a week of putting its best foot forward for the 2012 Summer Games Olympic Search Committee, New York City is letting its guard down and allowing its more embarrassing elements, like homeless people and the Knicks, to return.

[caption id="attachment_472" align="alignright" width="350" caption="Maybe we can pawn the rings for crack!"][/caption]

"Well, we didn't want the IOC to see a bunch of bums on the streets, and we also didn't want them to notice the homeless people either," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a news conference after leaving the Olympic search team off at JFK Airport. "And it's a good thing the Oscars are this weekend, because that helped most of our abusive celebrities decide to spend the whole week in L.A.," he added.

City Hall officials admitted to a well-planned effort to get the homeless and the Knicks players out of the search committee's view.

"Well, with the homeless we just gave them all a bottle of malt liquor and bus ticket to Scranton. The Knicks were a little trickier, until we found out we could get them to scatter simply by telling them they were all about to be served with paternity suits," said Deputy Mayor Dan Doctoroff. "Man, you should have seen those players run like hell when we brought that lawyer into the locker room."

But there appears to be some long-term planning as well, according to WCBS-TV political reporter Andrew Kirtzman.

"This wasn't all last-minute. First, the city was careful to invite the IOC to come only on the days of the week when Rosie O'Donnell is usually getting or recovering from liposuction. Second, they did it in the dead of winter when the Mets are safely down in Florida," said Kirtzman.

But the city is hoping there will be no hard feelings, and has already welcomed many of its temporary exiles back home.

"Last night, we let the Knicks back into Madison Square Garden and we arranged hotel rooms for twice the number of ho's they usually bring into midtown on a week night," Bloomberg said. "And as for the homeless, we're just letting them roam free on Staten Island. After a few days, their smell will be indiscernible from everything else over there," he explained.

The IOC will make its decision about the 2012 Summer Games site later this year.

FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Last year, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the hands of Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show created an outrage among families nation wide. Most were enraged that Jackson's breast was shown on national television for a fraction of a second, while others were just shocked that a member of the Jackson family was asked to play at the halftime show.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="275" caption="Your FCC approved halftime show"][/caption]

This year, organizers have decided to go with a "safer" act by having former Beatles member Paul McCartney perform.

The FCC (Fascist Communists Commission) does not think that simply having a family friendly artist perform is enough of a guarantee that children will not catch a flash of a nipple, a sight that would normally involve the child lifting up their own shirt in front of a mirror or other reflective object.

Paul McCartney will be required to have a metal codpiece sewn to the inside of his pants. The pants will then be surgically sutured to his thighs, to ensure minimum chance of a body part being exposed. The FCC has reluctantly allowed McCartney to flash the piece sign, but only a maximum of three times. The reasoning for this is that of course the sign could be interpreted as "the finger" by viewers with poor vision.

(Ed. Note: The FCC has ordered The Fake News to change the phrase "viewers with poor vision" from the last paragraph to "viewers whose lack of optimal vision is made up by their other contributions to society" or face a fine of $10,000.)

In a related story, Levitra will be allowed to advertise during the Super Bowl again, since explaining "erectile disfunction" or "6 hour erection" is nowhere near as awkward for a parent as explaining that women have nipples.

When reached for comment, Paul McCartney was upset, since he was hoping to unveil his new silver penis shield.

EA Sports Attempts To Corner Lucrative "Gaymer" Market

Rick McMahon has a problem, one that many accross America struggle silently with everyday. Rick is gay. He has long since come to terms with his lifestyle, and feels completely comfortable with his sexuality. However, he is an avid gamer and feels that there is no title that appeals to his favorite activities. Until now.

[caption id="attachment_452" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Olympic champion Sarah Hughes"][/caption]

EA Sports, a division of Electronic Arts Games, recently decided that homosexual gamers, or "gaymers" as they are referred to by EA insiders, are an untapped market with unlimited potential.

In the past year, Corporate America has found that the homosexual community had an immense amount of buying power, and have blatantly marketed products and services to gays and lesbians. One industry insider doesn't know why it has taken so long for marketing agencies to realize the power of those who count sodomy as a normal part of their sexual repertoire.

"Obviously the gay and lesbian community has a lot of influence in this country, is there any other reason that Cher and Barbara Streisand are considered important artists?"

EA Sports originally thought that its football game, Madden 2004, would attract gaymers with its musclebound men wearing skin type pants and engaging in homoerotic behavior. Gaymers yawned and went back to mentally interior decorating their friends' and neighbors' living rooms.

Finally, the gaming company decided that they needed to take more drastic action and designed "Boitano 2004", which takes gaymers inside the world of one of their favorite sports, figure skating. As in their other titles, this game adheres to EA's well-known slogan "If it's in the game, it's in the game".

For example, gaymers get to color co-ordinate their own costumes, develop eating disorders, and hire thugs to maim their more talented main competitor.

A gay and lesbian studies professor at the University of Illinois believes that there is not that much difference between gays and gamers.

"For example, gay men do not have sex with women. Most gamers also don't have sex with women, although for vastly different reasons. Gay men would rather have penis, while gamers would rather play Everquest.".

Marlins Defeat Yankees, Steinbrenner Buys Marlins

The New York Yankees lost Game Six of the World Series to the Florida Marlins, which gave the Florida team the title of Major League Baseball champions for the year 2003. The owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, decided not to wait till the end of the night to make any changes to his team, and announced that he had sold the New York team, and bought the Florida Marlins.

Steinbrenner announced that he had retained the rights to every player on the Yankee team, including Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Alfonso Soriano, and the unborn child of a scientific experiment between Roger Clemens and David Wells.

When asked if Steinbrenner had gone too far, Yankees fans responded: "How the fuck did we lose that series, we should have hit the shit out of that 'D-Train' bitch Dontrell Willis....wait, he's on the Yankees now? Holy shit, he's the fucking best pitcher I've ever fucking seen!

The "Yankee Switcheroo" has been seen before when Roger Clemens changed his nickname from "fucking BoSox Stupid Fucking Asshole" to "The Greatest Fucking Pitcher I've Ever Fucking Seen!"

Steinbrenner also bought a few other teams, most notably the Oakland A's, Minnesota Twins, and Boston Red Sox. According to reports, players on those teams were offered twice their salary to not play next year, and all in question eagerly accepted.

Bin Laden Calls For Red Sox Manager's Firing: CIA Says Tape Authentic

The United States government released the newest Osama Bin Laden audiotape today, and it turns out that the international terrorist is quite the baseball fan. Bin Laden had plenty to say about his favorite team, the Boston Red Sox, and makes it quite clear that he is not a fan of manager Grady Little.

An excerpt from the tape has Bin Laden saying, "OK, so you capitalist fuckers want proof that I'm still alive? Wait for Grady Little to die in a horrible car accident two weeks from today, you can just go ahead and attribute that to me right now."

CIA experts have been working around the clock, and are "95% sure" that the newest tape from the Al Quaeda terrorist organization leader is authentic. They say that Bin Laden not only made references to the Red Sox latest World Series close call, but also referred to the San Diego Chargers horrible season, although other sports experts have pointed out that predicting another disappointing series for the Chargers is akin to prognosticating that it will rain a lot in Seattle this year.

Many baseball experts have taken Little to task for his decision to leave a clearly tired Pedro Martinez in there against a veteran Yankees team. The Red Sox blew a 4-0 lead as well as a 5-2 lead with only 5 outs separating them from their first World Series appearance since 1986.

Bin Laden stated in the tape that he was all but retired from the internation terror business until Aaron Boone took the first pitch from Tim Wakefield far over the left field wall, to propel the Yankees into yet another World Series appearance for Major League Baseball's most storied franchise.

One of the only positives for Red Sox fans is that it seems that the apocalypse will be postponed until at least next October.

NYC Wins US Olympic Bid, San Francisco Settles For Gay Pride Parade - Again

Bringing an end to a competition that enraptured the many American sports fans that actually care about the Olympics, the United States Olympic Committee announced New York City as their choice for the American city to compete against other cities worldwide for the 2012 Summer Olympics, beating out San Francisco.

[caption id="attachment_481" align="alignright" width="281" caption="The USOC's New Logo"][/caption]

The deciding factor in their decision was New York's decision to spend whatever was needed to create an Olympiad that would reflect America's vast superiority over the rest of the world, according to an USOC insider speaking from his cell phone inside his new Ferrari, one of a fleet that mysteriously appeared at the USOC headquarters.

International Olympic Committee President Jacques Rogge appeared to be enthusiastic about New York's chances to be chosen as the host city for the 2012 Olympic Games. "I'm a 36 long, and a size 12 shoe. My favorite color for automobiles is red."

San Francisco mayor Ross Carter tried to remain upbeat, though he was obviously disappointed with the committee's decision. "Well, we still have the Gay Pride parade to look forward to, which is always a big deal. We like to see ourselves as a city that embraces every lifestyle, something that we thought would sway the vote in our favor. Unfortunately that was not the case. It appears a little green is more important than a vibrant, growing, accepting community."

Kournikova Almost Beats Some Chick

Tennis fans and perverts around the world rejoiced as Anna Kournikova missed capturing her first WTA singles championship by a mere 44 points Sunday. Showing her incredible skill by reaching her fourth final in only 115 tournaments, the 21 year old Russian was not quite able to muster the skill needed to win the tournament, although she was able to cause erections in 95% of the men watching the match, which provided some consolation. “I couldn’t hit the ball very well today, although I noticed that the chair official was pitching a tent, so I guess I did OK,” said Kournikova.

Her opponent in the match was an Israeli named Smashmouth or something. Anyway, Kournikova looked amazing today in her blue, white and yellow outfit, strategically cut to reveal tasty peeks of bare, tanned, supple skin beneath.

Kournikova had more to say about her near victory: “I was nervous today, since so many people were watching me. I’m not used to so many people staring at me.” She then began licking the microphone, causing 30 heart attacks in the press room.

Oh yeah, the other chick said some stuff too, but we ran out of room.

Shaq Signs Deal For $850M, California

The ever rising cost of securing the services of a high profile professional athlete may have escalated out of control this weekend with the signing of marquee center Shaquille O'Neal by the Los Angeles Clippers. The deal is worth a reported 850 Million Dollars over three seasons and also includes his very own state. Owner Donald Sterling had this to say about the deal: "Well, we're extremely happy about the signing, it moves us from a lower level team to an instant NBA championship contender. It really was a no-brainer." When asked about the highly unusual contract addition of ownership of a state, he commented: "It really wasn't that hard to get actually, Governor Gray Davis was really fed up after that whole energy fiasco and sold us the deed to the state for a very reasonable price."

ESPN sports writer Dan Patrick was not as comfortable with the signing and feels that the contract could have major implications throughout the sporting world: "Shaquille O'Neal is a dominant player, perhaps one of the most dominant to ever play the game, but this is outrageous!", he wrote in his column yesterday. "The deal brings the Clippers payroll to roughly $309,415,000 for next year, or about 12 times last years mark. For that amount of cash, at current salaries, O'Neal could buy every player on the Lakers, the Knicks, the Celtics, and the Nets, with plenty of money left over to make a new rap album, which God knows no one wants to hear."

Shaq had plenty to say about the deal: "Ha, ha! I'm a rich motherfucker now! I can say whatever I want about whoever I want! Uh oh, it'll get printed on ESPN? Not if I buy them!"

Shaq says that he plans to change the name of California to "Shaqtown", and will change the state flag from the familiar California Bear logo to a large picture of himself, naked in a sea of money.

Former teammate Kobe Bryant responded to the news by immediately announcing that he too will seek a better deal in a new NBA city. He is looking for somewhere in the neighborhood of 200 million a year, with his own state being a major piece of the deal. Inside sources say that he is interested in Texas, but may have to settle for New Jersey. More on this story as it develops.