Wednesday, May 26, 2004

"The Passion" Blamed For Nationwide Increase in Drive-By Stonings

Martha Washington cradles her son's head in her arms as he draws his last breaths. His body is a bloody, broken mess. The murder weapons lie nearby on the cold pavement.

It is a scene that's all too common in today's inner cities. However, Leon Washington was killed not by bullets or knives, but large stones taken from a nearby construction site. Welcome to the latest craze in the inner cities of America, drive-by stonings.

[caption id="attachment_440" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="I know this guy looks like he's sleeping, but he's really been stoned to death. Really."]I know this guy looks like he's sleeping, but he's really been stoned to death. Really.[/caption]

Stoning used to be a common practice in biblical times, long before bullets became the preferred method of slaying one's enemies. Los Angeles Police chief Richard Linkletter thinks this is due to the negligible costs of stones.

"These hoodlums don't care how they ice that homey down the block that be invading their turf. Someone will be just as dead if they're bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks as if they got a couple caps popped in they ass. This way, they got more bank for bitches, foties, and bling bling."

Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ" has been receiving the lion's share of the blame for the stoning trend, just a few weeks after the movie was said to be anti-semetic, violent, and "the worst date movie of all time".

The movie has also been the biggest box office juggernaut so far this year, taking in over a quarter of a billion dollars since its release in late February.

Mrs. Washington has a message for the youths of America: "If you're thinking about picking up a stone in anger, please don't. Smoke a blunt, slap a ho, just please no more senseless violence. That person you kill has a mother that loves them. And about 1% of them have a father too, someone that cares for their child, and takes responsibility for impregnating a 16 year old girl and doesn't run off to play their next game in the NBA, and never show their face around here again, isn't that right, Kobe?"

In related news, noticing their proficiency in rock-related violence, Palestinians are recruiting American youths for "Operation Throw A Bunch of Rocks At Jews".

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