Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Abortion Enthusiasts Excited for Health Care Reform

Today's political environment is dominated with extreme rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Talk of FEMA concentration camps, death panels, and a second hour of Glenn Beck are scaring naïve listeners. But there is one group who is not only not scared by these scare tactics, they are giddy with excitement.

Jenna is a budding abortion enthusiast and college student. "I am just so excited about the government funded abortions they say will be available when health care reform passes," she says. "I'd been waiting for so long to finally experience an abortion, and I'm psyched that it will finally be affordable."

Jenna says her sister, Jamie, has already had four abortions, and says she's not done yet. "I only need one more for my punchcard, then I'll get one free abortion with an equal or lesser priced invasive medical procedure," Jamie says. "With offers like that I'd be a fool not to get pregnant again. The seats in the waiting room are really comfy too."

Unfortunately, abortion aficionados may be in for a letdown. Conservative Democrat Bart Stupek has introduced the "Stupak Amendment," which would prohibit anyone receiving federal subsidies for health care, the majority of Americans under current health care reform plans, from being able to choose a health care plan that covers abortions.

Jenna is undeterred. "I'll just have a bake sale or something like cancer people do. Nobody wants me to have a kid after all - I'm pregnant at 14 and am actively seeking an abortion - what sort of role model would I be? I'm sure it'll be easy to raise the money."

Medical professionals are alarmed at the casual interest in abortions: "I can't believe that someone would be so flippant towards such an important decision," Dr. James Wade told us. "An abortion is a horrific experience for a woman, not only does it go against the natural motherly instincts, but it is extremely traumatic - not to mention painful."

Jenna doesn't balk, "My friend went in to get the flu shot, and she got hit by a car an hour later. Why should I trust doctors who tell you to get flu shots, which cause you to get hit by a car? It's crazy. Condoms are too expensive, and the pill made me gain weight. It's a no-brainer. In fact, logically - an abortion should help me lose weight! I'm so excited, I only just realized that."

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