Monday, June 14, 2010

President Obama Announces Regime Change For Exxon

Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.

[caption id="attachment_728" align="alignright" width="300" caption="It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?"][/caption]

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign.

Hannity and other conservative commentators have taken a break from accusing government of having too much influence and not allowing private corporations to run efficiently to demand to know why the Obama administration has not used its influence to force BP to act responsibly. Michelle Bachmann (R-abid), who, like other conservatives, is in favor of free-market capitalism, in which corporations are able to operate with as little regulation as possible, said, “The administration, they were hands off. They didn’t do anything. Where were the boats that could have been commandeered by the government to be sent into this region to deal with that oil plume as it was coming up in the water and destroying marine life? Nowhere to be found. Why? The administration was hands off on this policy.

When reached for comment about Obama’s seizure of Exxon, Bachmann said, “See, here is another case of this administration being too hands on. Why can’t the government just leave corporations alone?”

Gibbs announced plans to take 60% of resources from cleanup and investigation of BP and allocate them to an investigation of Exxon. He repeatedly stated that 40% of current resources would be enough to finish the investigation into the current leak, saying, “We are confident that we can liberate the oil from the oil-water mixture and that the American people will be happy to see us succeed, with some possibly going so far as to present us with flowers.”

This bold step of preemptively taking control of corporations that might pose an ecological risk in the future is being called the Obama Doctrine, and is officially off limits as an interview question for potential 2012 Presidential candidate Sarah Palin, who tweeted: “Prez sez we should stick noses in2 business. Not business of govt.  Govt is of people, by people, +4 ppl. See FB post.”

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