2001 Amateur Restoration

Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks of All Time Roundup Roundup.

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While real journalists go out and “interview” people and “write things down,” today’s media sources have taken to commenting on existing material. Every April 1, one can expect to find hundreds of run-downs of “The Greatest April Fool’s Day Pranks of All Time!” Here at The Fake News, we think this is bullshit. Journalism doesn’t get a day off. How hard is it to just compile a list of things from the internet and add a few comments?

To bring attention to this unacceptable practice, here are a few of the round-ups making the rounds this year.

1. The Vancouver Sun – The Sun is cheating even more than usual. All they have done is provide a link to a pre-existing video listing the greatest April Fool’s Day pranks. Do some work!

2. Trendy Gamers – This site lists the top ten video game related pranks of all time. What they fail to mention is that this caveat places the overall ranking of these pranks down around 15,000-30,000 in the “overall pranks” rankings.

3. V101.9 FM – The now-standard “Why do original content, let’s just embed some YouTube clips in an article and go out drinking” technique.

4.


5. Random Perspective - You have to hand it to this guy. He was able to find pranks that nobody else is reporting.

 

Tweets From the Street - London Riots

Many news outlets have some sort of Person on the Street section in which common people are asked to share their opinion about current events. In keeping with the current move towards journalistic laziness, The Fake News introduces a new segment that eliminates the need to leave the office. Every week we will ask a cross-section of society to tweet their opinion. Last week, we asked for their thoughts on the London riots.

UN Strongly Condemns US Unilateral Invasion of London

The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”

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The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.

“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”

To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.

God Blames Tsunami on Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps

As the estimated deaths for the Japanese tsunami continue to climb and fears of nuclear meltdown escalate, many are looking to the sky and asking, “Why God? Why did you do this?” Apparently, God hates Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson.

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“I had received intelligence that suggested that Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were meeting in Japan to discuss combining forces,” said God. “They decided that they could more effectively hate people different from them if they worked together. Frankly, I got sick and tired of always being blamed for everything bad that happens on Earth.”

God said that he got the idea of a “decapitation strike” in the last decade.

“Hey, occasionally man has a really great idea,” God said with a shrug. “Just like the dyslexics say: You can teach an old God new tricks.”

Fred Phelps leads the widely maligned Westboro Baptist Church, which is a church in the same way Old Navy is a nautical store. Whenever tragic deaths occurs, Fred Phelps and his “congregation” show up to protest outside. They carry signs with Christian slogans like “God Hates Fags.”

“Do I hate fags? Not at all, and I wish you would not use that word,” God said. “I’ll tell you who I do hate. Fred Phelps. I have half a mind to picket his funeral.”

Americans Pledge to Care About Japan For Two to Three Days

As Joel Chillner watched a Youtube video of an enormous wave of water inundating Japanese farmland, he vowed that he would do something to help. A minute later, he sat back in his chair, looking in satisfaction at his new Facebook status, in which he said the tsunami “totally sucks” and he “really really REALLY hopes those people are ok, or at least know how to surf.”

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Chillner is like many Americans who see disasters unfolding around the world and feel helpless. What can he do from so far away?

Fortunately, the internet has made it much easier for people like Chillner to do something to help people in need, or at least feel like they have done something to help people in need.

Shortly after the first waves hit Japan, celebrities were encouraging their Twitter followers to donate $10 via text. Depending on how extensive the damage turns out to be, the people of Japan may even rate a celebrity telethon.

Joseph Blocko, accountant, says, “I gave several days of my undivided attention to those poor people suffering because of the Gulf oil spill. I’m glad it all turned out all right.”

American Corporations Lining Up For Prime Advertising Space on Israeli Wall

When the Israelis announced their plans to build a large wall protecting them from the Palestinians, many claimed that it was outrageous. But American corporations saw a golden opportunity.

"Where else can you find a canvass so big on which to paint your tasteful, yet bold marketing strategy?", said a spokesman for the men's magazine Penthouse.

Israeli leaders have been worried about where they would get the money for the monumental project, but apparently the answer lies in good old capitalism.

Interestingly enough, German based corporation Volkswagen has paid the most for advertising space, a fact which angered many Israelis, although they were pacified by finding out that the cost for the wall would not have to come out of their pockets. To the consternation of some older Israelis, according to the agreement, they would have to wear small, golden VW symbols on their clothes.

Israel announced that they would build the wall as a protection against terrorist attacks by Palestian terror groups. Palestians counter that the wall violates their inherent right to drive up to a group of Israeli school children and blow themselves up. The ACLU has been meeting with Palestinian leaders about a possible appeal to the UN.

Bush Challenges Hussein To Spelling Bee, Aides Quickly Retract Offer

The world was shocked earlier this week when an Iraqi spokesman challenged American president George W. Bush to a duel. Initally the White House announced that they would not dignify the challenge with a response, but the situation took an interesting turn yesterday. The president apparantly bit through his gag and snuck away from advisors to make a personal response to Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein.

"Thank you for coming, I'd like to address this infantile challenge from Mr. Hussein. Mr. Hussein thinks that he can make a mockery out of this administation, well I have two words for you sir: "That's my job." In Texas we have a little saying. 'Challenge me once....oh never mind.' I don't agree to your duel, I'm just too set against senseless violence, it's just...not...right. What I propose is a meeting of the minds to settle this conflict. Yes, we'll settle this the old fashioned way, with a spelling bee. The contest will be officiated by an impartial party, Dick Cheney. The words will be..."

At that point Condoleezza Rice ran into the room and tackled the president, while Ari Fliescher quickly addressed the assembled throngs. "I apologize for that. The president was receiving a dental treatment that required nitrous oxide and he left the room when the dentist's back was turned. He's not in his right mind, and we retract any statements that he may have made. Thank you."

Reaction from world leaders consisted of the usual "laughing their asses off" variety, with most leaders too hysterical to make statements. Canadien Prime Minister Jean Chretien was finally able to calm down enough to comment. "Monsieur Bush was obviously not in his right mind. We continue to stand by the United States and support them, at least vocally."

At press time, all world leaders we attempted to contact were still laughing too hard to operate a telephone.

Arafat Condones, Er, Condemns Terrorism

Written by Brian K. White

After an historic face to face sit down, Ariel Sharon and Yasser Arafat agreed on demands for peace terms. "It was great," said Arafat in his broken and nearly unintelligible English. "It turns (out) we both (want the) same (thing)." Ariel Sharon's account verifies the claim "We both want to end the bloodshed and have agreed to do so as long as the other withdraws his people into the sea and never returns. This is what we both want!" Allegedly, top peace advocates slipped no less than three hits of ecstasy in to the food and drink of Mr. Arafat, who was quite amiable and offered hugs to the reporters.

"Our people are not so different," reported Sharon while receiving a now-world famous Arafat rub down. "We both wear clothes and use weapons, only theirs are towels and slingshots while ours are Armani and tactical strike helicopters. How did we ever miss that we are brothers? Yes, perhaps brothers who have stolen each others wives and tried to kill one another, but my sweaty friend with the large pupils here has finally understood our intentions."

"I believe" offered Sharon "that the end to this conflict will be prompt. You see, the Palestinians have shown us that ours is a religion of falsehood and mockery and that when we die our souls will be extinguished. If they die they MAY have life everlasting, certainly if they die for the cause. I think by helping them die for their cause we can best insure that all Palestinians may live for eternity in a place where we can not and will not bomb them." After a moments consideration Sharon added "Nor roll through their homes with tanks. It's been fun, no mistake, but it must end." Pausing again he added "And for the last time, no, we didn't kill Jesus."

Following the proposed 10 week genocide mission affectionately called "Operation Martyr Maker" the area formerly inhabited by Palestinians will be transformed into a pastoral garden-like park to commemorate the perhaps dozen Israeli lives lost in the operation. At the conclusion of the press conference, Mr. Arafat seemed confused, asking "Where's the party going?"

Bush Makes Chicken Noises At UN

As the debate continues worldwide over whether or not military action is necessary to rectify the escalating situation with Iraq, United States President George W. Bush gave an impassioned plea to the UN on Friday, astonishing gatherers by flapping his arms and making chicken noises.

“What the hell are they waffling about?”, Bush was heard to murmer to an aide after the speech. "Either they're with us or against us, and I don't want to bomb most of Europe but if I have to in order to insure freedom, then that's a step I have to take." According to sources close to the president, Bush can’t fathom why the UN “are being such pricks about us dropping a few bombs on such an evil man.”

France is one of the few vocal supporters of the United States conducting military action against Iraq, however when asked if they would provide support for the strikes, they responded by saying: “Um…we never said we’d help fight, just that it’s a good idea…we’re not much good at fighting…ok ok, we surrender, just let us keep Paris.”

For those that don’t know, The United Nations was founded in 1945 as a way for allied troops to pledge their support for the effort against the Axis Powers. Throughout the years, the organization has evolved into an entity that votes on “resolutions”, which are defined as “stuff that we talk big about, but don’t actually do shit about”. The UN is also a leader in “fucking up sound foreign policy”.

Bush, who at the end of his speech was growing more and more exasperated, finally offered this: “All right fine. If you don’t vote to support an Allied military incursion into Iraq, America will not allow any of Shakira’s videos to be seen in any country outside the United States. I know it’s a drastic step, but you’re making me do it.”

After several seconds of heated debate, the council unanimously passed Bush’s regulation. The President celebrated by spending time with his daughters at a local NYC bar.

Terrorists Declare "War On War On Terrorism"

Local Al-Quaida officials announced on Tuesday that they are declaring war on the United States’ War on Terrorism. This news comes in response to the American attacks geared on “eradicating terrorism as we know it.” Spokesperson Muhammed Il-Jihad agreed to speak with us regarding the new declaration of war. “Those American infidels will pay for what they have done to our people. All we were trying to do was get some recognition for our movement. It was not our intention to kill innocent women and children. Our intelligence indicated that the American military was using the World Trade Center buildings as a covert base for operations. All praise be to Allah!” He then blew himself up by activating the large bomb strapped to his chest.

Al-Quaida leadership is claiming “unprovoked attacks on our homeland” to be the impetus behind their declaration of war. Their new spokesman, who replaced Il-Jihad, the former spokesperson who blew himself up in the last paragraph, states: “We do not understand what we have done to you people that would cause you to attack us in this manner. Just yesterday, one of your bombs killed 20 of our soldiers! 20 Soldiers! That is equal to a third of our troops!” Fortunately our replacement reporter was able to duck behind a table before the new spokesperson shouted “All praise be to Allah!” and blew himself up.

The United States government has tried unsuccessfully to determine the whereabouts of terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, who is believed to be responsible for the Sep. 11 attacks. According to a government spokesperson, “We know that Osama Bin Laden has been killed. There is no possible way that he could be alive. Say, why are you asking? Did you see him somewhere? Cause he’s dead. Yep, he sure is.”

Despite the assertion that he is in fact dead, Bin Laden sightings have been plentiful. NYU student Brad Miller claims that he saw Bin Laden driving a cab in midtown Manhattan. Others swear that they’ve seen him working in a local 7-11.

Inside sources tell us that the terrorists are plotting new attacks on American soil and have found many different ways to attack the United States simply by watching CNN, or as the terrorists call it: "The Intel Channel". Hamas operative Jasir Alabatta tells us more. “The other day CNN did a story on how security needed to be tightened at reservoirs, because if we were able to drop in a tiny amount of poison to the water supply, we could kill hundreds of thousands of American pigs. We were actually planning on something on a smaller scale, but how can we pass up that opportunity?”