Hiring the folks at Wal*Mart to fix the economy makes a lot of sense(If you don't really think about it)

The internet is filled with ideas that seem to make sense at first glance, causing them to be shared through social media, filling up your Facebook wall and Twitter feed with well-meaning, but illogical nonsense. Here's another one and why it doesn't really make sense.

Here's the original post in its full form. I've broken it down section by section below.

The person starts by telling us how big Wal*Mart is. Because it's big. Really big. I can quote big numbers too...

To the editor:

1. Americans spend $36,000,000 at Wal-Mart every hour.

1. People spend $1,484,018 on porn every hour.

2. That works out to $20,928 per minute.

2. That works out to $24,733 per minute. My number is higher because I can do math and the original author cannot. The inability to divide a number by 60 makes me slightly less than confident in his or her logical skills.

3. Wal-Mart is bigger than Home Depot+Kroger+Target+Sears+Costco+K Mart combined.

3. Porn revenue is larger than the revenues of the top technology companies combined. Those would be Microsoft, Google, Amazon, eBay, Yahoo, Apple, Netflix, and EarthLink.

4. Wal-Mart employees 1.6 million people, it is the world's largest employer.

4. 102,434,567 people view internet porn.

5. Wal-Mart now sells more food than any other store in the world.

5. 35% of all internet downloads are pornographic.

6. Wal-Mart has approx. 3,900 stores in the USA, this is 1,000 more than it had 5 years ago.

6. 24, 644, 172 websites are pornographic.

7. This year 7.2 billion different purchasing experiences will occur at Wal-Mart. The earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion.

7. 68 Million search engine requests a day are pornography related. That adds up to 24,820,000,000 porn search experiences a year. The earth's population is approximately 6.5 billion, because that matters somehow.

You may think I am complaining, but I am really laying the groundwork for suggesting that maybe we should hire these guys who run Wal-Mart to fix the economy.

Well in that case, I think I have just laid the groundwork for suggesting that maybe we hire the guys who run porn to fix the economy. Unless, you know, the numbers you just said have no bearing on anything.

The Government is Violating Your Second Amendment Rights (If You Don't Really Think About It)

[caption id="attachment_1874" align="alignnone" width="500"] This guy was incinerated by a Predator drone five seconds later. The Predator operator then went to lunch.[/caption]

I’ve learned over the years that engaging in arguments on Facebook is rarely productive. Most effective points cannot be made in a few sentences, and most people tune out when a Facebook comment reaches the second sentence. Therefore, these arguments turn into a slightly-more-mature-but-not-much version of the comment sections on YouTube.

I do, however, feel that people are making incredibly ill-informed and poorly thought-out arguments in regards to the gun debate now taking place in America. I will attempt to take these on one at a time and explain why each makes no sense. As I said in my article about putting armed guards in schools, these arguments fall apart when you examine them closely.

I am not against guns in general. I legally own a gun, and I’ve been highly trained in how to use it safely and effectively. I used to teach people how to shoot small arms in the Navy, and I used to carry a handgun as part of my job. I don’t believe there should be a blanket ban on all guns, and even if I did, I know that it would be impossible to enforce. So, let’s talk about the arguments being put forth against regulations that are actually being proposed.

“They’re taking our guns.”

Short answer: No they’re not.

Longer answer: This has been the mantra of the NRA since President Obama was elected. If the Obama administration has been planning for over four years to take your guns, they are so laughably inept at taking your guns that you have nothing to worry about. Let’s take a look at the Obama administration’s cunning long-term plan to take your guns.

Step 1. Do nothing for four years to take guns.

Step 2. Stand for a democratic election, in which many people think you will be voted out.

Step 3. Do nothing when mass shootings happen for years.

Step 4. Propose Congress re-institute regulations that were in place a decade ago and issue executive orders, none of which will take any guns.

Step 5. Take everyone’s guns*

The * indicates that this has not happened, and will not happen, because “They’re taking our guns” is an empty slogan, devoid of any connection to reality.

So basically, either the Obama administration is so horribly inept at “taking your guns” that you should not be worried or, you know, it’s bullshit. Your call.

A guide to using analogies to explain complex political issues

Last week, people started sharing an image on Facebook that claimed to put the budget issues facing our country in perspective by comparing the numbers to a household budget. Just like my last post, that makes sense if you don't really think about it.

The problem with this analogy is that the situation is far more complex than the comparison allows. For starters, a worker cannot raise his household revenue in the same way a government can. Yes, a family member could work more hours or get a second job, but that's assuming that the hours or job is available. As many people today will tell you, getting a job, let alone a second job is far from a sure thing. A government, meanwhile, has many ways to raise revenue that are guaranteed.

On the other side, government debt and household debt are vastly different. A government can borrow money at a rate close to zero percent, while a household has to pay a much higher rate. In addition, a government can get far more value for their borrowing than a household can.

That's not to say that our government does not need to spend less. I'm simply saying that the comparison between a household budget and a government budget is so flawed as to render such a comparison meaningless.

Armed guards in all schools makes a lot of sense (if you don't really think about it)

[caption id="attachment_1845" align="alignnone" width="600"] The royal palace guards debut their new bullet catcher.[/caption]

I am a 6 year veteran of the Navy and a high school English teacher. The only people in my school who have more weapons training than I are a few subs who are retired police officers. I carried a firearm several times a week for years, frequently went to the shooting range, and taught others how to shoot. I also ran force protection for 1/4 of my ship. Basically that means I was responsible for improving the security of our ship and ensuring personnel were properly trained to implement our security protocols. One of my jobs was to analyze the ship's weaknesses and develop methods of securing those weaknesses, or limiting damage caused by a group exploiting those weaknesses.

One thing I quickly learned is that total safety is an impossibility. We had armed guards at every entrance. Multiple layers of security at every access point. We ran drills every four days. Even so, if someone really wanted to attack us, our reasonable goal would be to limit casualties and damage. Total prevention is impossible. 

In response to the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the NRA is calling for armed guards at all schools. I'm not sure proponents of this idea have thought everything through. First of all, many school districts have been cutting teachers. I'm not sure where districts are going to find the money to hire armed security. I'm sure that you could just eliminate another teacher or two. You know, the ones who are fresh out of school, burning with a passion to help students. That's an excellent trade-off for the illusion of safety.

WTF, Google News?

[caption id="attachment_1762" align="alignright" width="385"] Well, if the interwebs says it's true...[/caption]

Every day, ok fine, about ten times a day, I check Google News to see what's happening in the world. Apparently, the people running the service don't see anything wrong with running opinion pieces in the same section as news pieces with no distinction. You can see in the screenshot that an opinion piece with the headline: "Romney, Ryan lack character" is listed under regular news stories.

Now one would imagine that people would read that and realize that the article is an opinion piece. That doesn't absolve Google News from their obligation to say so. This story is more clearly opinion that others that have appeared without an opinion label attached, but those others are more troubling. People who scroll through quickly are going to see these headlines presented in the same way as other, factual ones.

The most frustrating thing is that it can't be a hard fix. Google must not really think it's important. Do you?

Free advice for the DNC

As many tweets pointed out last Thursday, Clint Eastwood's discussion with an empty chair was a perfect visualization for this year's Republican campaign. The "Eastwooding" meme spread quickly throughout the internet, giving the Obama campaign a perfect opportunity to capitalize on a pre-existing cultural touchstone.

Here's how.

One of the speeches leading up to President Obama's on Thursday night should be the following. Bring out the empty chair. Address each one of the lies that the Republicans have been telling about Obama's record, then respond with the truth. Here's an example:

"Republicans have been spending millions of dollars on ads that tell you all about a President they invented. You saw Clint Eastwood talking to him a week ago. You can't see him because he doesn't exist. The Republicans know that they can't run against President Obama's real record, so they have invented "Invisible Obama.

"The Republicans will tell you that Invisible Obama cut the work requirements from the welfare programs because he wants welfare recipients to do nothing for their check. That's a lie. The real President Obama worked with governors to allow them to change requirements to INCREASE the ability of welfare recipients to work.

"The Republicans will tell you that Invisible Obama hates the public sector, and has worked to sabotage private sector job growth. That's a lie. Under the real President Obama, job growth in the private sector has increased at a faster rate than it did under President George W. Bush."

And so on, and so on, and so on.

You're welcome.

Why isn't "conservative comedy" funny?

With rare exception (I despise Rush Limbaugh as a person, but some of the parody songs he plays on his show are hilarious), "Conservative comedy" just isn't funny. I think I've figured out why, so here goes.

Ultimately, comedy is based in truth. Comedians see the truth in a way that "normal" people don't. Comedy reveals the underlying truth to people, helping them to accept it by making it funny. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, if you will. Carlin, Hicks, Louis CK, these people expose the dark underbelly of society in a way that is uncomfortable, which is why they need to make it funny. They're not lecturing us, they're letting us in on the secret, making the implicit explicit.

Today's conservative movement is deluded. By conservative movement, I mean the modern GOP, not individual conservatives, many of whom disagree with today's GOP. Look at the number of bald-faced lies made in RNC convention speeches. Several cases can be made for showing Obama the door (although I think they are all invalid if the replacement is the current GOP). If actual arguments exist for their side, why does the GOP continue to invent arguments?

I have theories, but I'll save them for another time.

The reason "conservative comedy" doesn't work is because it's not based on the truth. Hurr Hurr Teleprompter! Any reasonably intelligent person who thinks about a teleprompter joke for a moment sees the lie. Would someone who relies on a teleprompter do well at a debate? Oh, he wouldn't? Then how come Obama outperformed McCain at the debates? Oh...it's bullshit, isn't it?

So, if you want to know why conservative comedy doesn't work, remember that last week, a national party built a convention on an out-of-context statement that anyone with half a brain can see through. A convention built on lies? Congratulations, Republicans. You DID build that.

Greatest April Fool's Day Pranks of All Time Roundup Roundup.

[caption id="attachment_1094" align="alignright" width="188" caption="This is what "journalists" at CNN look at every day."][/caption]

While real journalists go out and “interview” people and “write things down,” today’s media sources have taken to commenting on existing material. Every April 1, one can expect to find hundreds of run-downs of “The Greatest April Fool’s Day Pranks of All Time!” Here at The Fake News, we think this is bullshit. Journalism doesn’t get a day off. How hard is it to just compile a list of things from the internet and add a few comments?

To bring attention to this unacceptable practice, here are a few of the round-ups making the rounds this year.

1. The Vancouver Sun – The Sun is cheating even more than usual. All they have done is provide a link to a pre-existing video listing the greatest April Fool’s Day pranks. Do some work!

2. Trendy Gamers – This site lists the top ten video game related pranks of all time. What they fail to mention is that this caveat places the overall ranking of these pranks down around 15,000-30,000 in the “overall pranks” rankings.

3. V101.9 FM – The now-standard “Why do original content, let’s just embed some YouTube clips in an article and go out drinking” technique.

4.


5. Random Perspective - You have to hand it to this guy. He was able to find pranks that nobody else is reporting.

 

Your online protest does nothing

A while back, scores of my Facebook friends changed their profile picture to a cartoon character, saying that this was raising awareness for child violence. This phenomenon was reported on by many in the media as if it were a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It was not.

[caption id="attachment_772" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I could have just "unliked" a page? Now you tell me!"][/caption]

I upset some of my friends by pointing out that changing their profile pictures was an example of "slacktivism," a term which I fervently wish I had coined because it is a perfect way to describe this new trend.

Maybe I'm going to piss people off--maybe I should go back and change the first word of this sentence to "surely"--but this trend of "raising awareness" is becoming increasingly tiresome. For example, I fully support research and treatment for breast cancer. At this point, however, is anyone not aware that breasts are susceptible to cancer?  Haven't we turned over every rock by now and shouted to those slumbering under them, "Excuse me, but I made my Facebook status a sexual joke about where I left my pocketbook that implies that I like to have intercourse in that location."?

Last week, it was brought to my attention that Geoff Fox, the weatherman at the station I grew up watching, was being let go. Yes, you could say that my awareness was raised. What followed, however, shows just how ridiculous people are becoming with these online protests.

One Facebook group that was created to protest the event had many statuses similar to this:

?"Unlike" WTNH beginning at 6:00pm Monday and "re-like", if you so choose on Tuesday beginning at 6:00pm. 24 hour boycott. Will have more impact to do it together over a 24 hour period. This will take a few hours, it will true up at 5:59 on Tuesday. "unlike" is at the bottom, left side of the WTNH page. Thank you.

This does nothing.

Nothing.

Are the executives of companies going to look at their Facebook page and yell, "Holy shit, Bob! Our likes have plummeted! Call the board together, we need an emergency meeting!"

Top Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven in 2009 - Complete List

Editor's Note: I decided to break up the list into one item per day so I could provide more content for each item. Now that the list is complete, here is the complete list on one page for your reading pleasure.

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - Honorable Mentions

Honorable Mentions: Here are a few of the things that nearly made the list.

Twi-hards – Aside from being responsible for the explosion in vampire movies, television shows, children's toys, and breakfast cereals, Twilight has spawned a legion of obsessed women. Being a Lost fan, I know what it's like to be obsessed over something that other people find foolish. However, there is a bit of a disturbing issue with Twilight that I did not see reported in any major media outlet that covered the phenomenon. Taylor Lautner is seventeen years old. Grown men counting down the days until an attractive female celebrity turns eighteen? Pedophiles. Forty-year-old women screaming when Taylor Lautner takes his shirt of in the movie? Completely acceptable.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven - #1. Jersey Shore

1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.

Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. "Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?" Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson's nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won't someone think of the children?

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #2. Jon and Kate

2. Jon and Kate – As I mentioned in #4, I hate reality television. Nobody cares about the people involved in the shows; the only concern is ratings. It is not often that child abuse is shown on national television, but TLC decided to bravely forge ahead with a new era of exploitation. For starters, there is a reason that humans very rarely have a large number of children at one time. Before having a large number of children at one time meant getting your own reality show, there was no way to financially support such a suddenly large family unless you were very wealthy. It is irresponsible and completely unfair to the children to choose to have such a large number of children at one time.

According to all sources I could find, the couple used an artificial fertility method because of a fertility problem with one of them. They didn't plan on having six children, but when they found out that's what was going to happen, the reportedly said, "no way!" to reduction. This is hypocrisy at its finest. Going against God, nature, or whatever you want to call it to become pregnant: Completely acceptable. Limiting the number of children: Completely unacceptable. You don't get to have it both ways; you're playing God.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #3. Sarah Palin

3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant – Anyone who knows me knows that I hate reality television. The original concept was intriguing, but it quickly became apparent that "reality" television was just improv using untrained actors who moonlight as horrible human beings. Most shows have devolved into a game of constant one-upmanship: How many douchebags can we fit in a house, and how much prodding do they need to act like assholes? I'm not interested in that, as I can just go down to a club at the Jersey Shore if I want to see that.  Oh wait…

In addition to the tried-and-true method of confined douchebag assembly, a newer variation of reality shows have emerged, focused on extreme situations. In the same way that paterntiy suit participants on the Maury Povich Show have increased the reliability of their claims (I think the current standard is "I am 10,000% sure that ain't my baby!"), these shows have become more and more ridiculous. This year's "Ow! My Balls!" award for most ridiculous reality show goes to our number four entry: "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #5. Teabaggers

5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in the beginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.

Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let's take a look at the abbreviated timeline:

Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: "Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?"

Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: "Go get those WMDs!" later amended to "Saddam is a bad man" later amended to "You'll take our democracy if you know what's good for you!"

Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.

Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: "Oh, hell no!"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #6. Glenn Beck

6. Glenn Beck – I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Glenn Beck is Stephen Colbert without the winking nod, an Andy Kaufman for our time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to pretend that he believes what he says, and is either out to make money off of dupes or is the greatest IRL troll of our generation.

For the time being, I'm going to go along with the notion that he's serious. His inclusion on the list represents not only him, but other talk radio and Fox News personalities, like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter – The Axis of Idiocy.

A problem arises because it's difficult to put these people into the same category. For example, I think Sean Hannity truly believes what he says. He has had brain surgery to turn off the part of his brain that stops your mouth from moving when you know you're saying something that makes no sense. Ann Coulter, however, says whatever she feels will cause the most controversy and make her the most money. The level of idiocy is comparable, but the intent is different. But, even with all this competition, Glenn Beck has emerged as the group's Cryer-in-Chief.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #7. Balloon Boy

7. Balloon Boy – This story had everything I hate about our society. Parents who give their children ridiculous names (Did you name your kid after a Midwest state? You might as well install a pole in her bedroom so she can get some practice for her future career), the twenty-four hour news cycle that values exclusive "information" over verified facts, and reality television, which will appear in future installments of this list.

Of course, it's not every day that you get to watch a bag of Jiffy Pop soar majestically through the air like some kind of large bird like an eagle or something. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, Falcon. That was my first clue that the kid wasn't really in the balloon. Well, that and the use of my eyes to visually acquire information about the size and shape of the balloon, which then sent the information to my brain to process and send a signal to my mouth to say "WTFuck?! You're seriously trying to tell me there's a kid riding in that? Where? Does he have Saddam's WMDs with him? Is he riding on an invisible unicorn under the balloon?"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #8 Jennifer Aniston

8. Jennifer Aniston – This one is tough. I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I liked her in Friends. She seems like a likeable person. Yet, there's a problem. She's on at least one magazine cover every time I go to the supermarket. But, it's not just that. It's always a variation of "Jen: True Love, Finally!" and "Jen: Heartbroken After xxxxxx Dumps Her!" This repeats anew every so often, typically when she has a movie coming out. This leads me to believe that I have successfully mapped the Jennifer Aniston dating cycle.

1. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.

2. They go out on one date. The guy has a very nice time and plans to see her again.

3. Her publicist calls every magazine and tells them all about the date, providing exclusive information to each magazine.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #9. The Snuggie

9. The Snuggie - On the one hand, I have to hand it to the person who invented the Snuggie. Not since the Pet Rock has someone made so much money selling something so ridiculous.

It Looks Ridiculous – There's a reason that people hadn't made wearable blankets before. It's one of those ideas that sounds great in theory, but looks ridiculous in actuality. "Wouldn't it be great if I could experience the warmth of a blanket, without having to worry about it falling off when I move about?" Yeah, I guess it would. I also wish I could experience that level of warmth throughout daily life, but it would look ludicrous for me to drive around with a blanket on. It looks no less ridiculous walking around your house.