Alex Jones thinks juice boxes are making kids gay

I don't typically re-post things from Facebook here, but I spend a lot of time on this, and I felt like giving it its own page. My friends posted this video from Alex Jones, talking about how juice boxes are making kids gay.



I wrote a very short story as a response. This is fiction.

When I was growing up, I loved girls. Girls, girls, girls, I just couldn't get enough. Sometimes, when Jenny Shanka would wear those red shorts when it was hot out and she would have to lean forward to get the papers to pass back to me, my desk raised up about 3 inches. And stayed there. 

That was before I knew about juice boxes. I used to get milk with my lunch. Then, one day, I forgot money to get milk. My friend Jim gave me his Capri Sun. I popped the straw in the foil hole, well more like fumbled around with trying to get the straw into that goddamn little hole for five minutes. Finally, I could take it no longer. I ripped the top open with my teeth and slurped the juice into my parched mouth.

I looked at Jim. "Thank you," I said. I could barely get out the second syllable because I was awestruck by his eyes. They were so blue. He said it was no problem, and I saw his dimples for the first time. How had I missed these dents of perfection for all these years? I was a mess of emotions. I had heard the rumors about juice boxes, and how once you go juice, you like it in the caboose, but those were just boys being boys while flicking each other with towels in the locker room. Right?

Right?

In physics, Jenny was wearing the red shorts. Not only that, but I swear she had rolled the legs up an extra inch. For me? Dare I dream? Bobby Jacobs, the guy who sat in front of Jenny, was absent, so Jenny stood up and bent over as far as she could to grab the paper. As she did, she looked over her shoulder at me. And winked. I quickly slammed my hands on my desk, knowing that if I didn't, it would hit the ceiling. She touched the corner of her mouth with her tongue and slowly brought it to the other side. When she handed me the stack of papers, her hand lingered on mine for a second that seemed to last as long as a...

Second. I felt nothing. My desk stayed still. What had happened? 

I didn't know what to feel. My world was crashing down around me. I looked over at Jim. He smiled at me. 

My desk moved.