An Open Letter to the Songwriters of "Save the Best For Last"

My goal for 2013 is to get something published at McSweeney's. I've been getting tired of satire writing for a while, which is why I barely do those types of pieces anymore. My plan is that if I get a piece rejected, I'm going to post it here, so at least a few people will read it. This is not meant in any way to be bitter at their rejection; I hold them in very high regard and expect to have most, if not all, submissions rejected. Please to enjoy:

An Open Letter to the Songwriters of “Save the Best for Last”

Dear songwriters:

First of all, I realize that I am a bit late in lodging my complaint about your song. I also realize that song lyrics cannot be taken literally. For example, Ke$ha’s song lyrics assert that one would enjoy having casual sexual intercourse with her even though I think I have contracted several sexually transmitted diseases simply by viewing her videos on my computer.

Even so, I have very serious problems with the lyrics to your song, as sung by Vanessa Williams in 1989.

The very first lyric is problematic: “Sometimes the snow comes down in June.” Sure, you’ve bought yourself some wiggle room by using the qualifier “sometimes,” but even with the effects of climate change more and more visible as time passes, how often has snow fell during the month of June? Need I remind you that when the song was written nobody knew who Al Gore was, and all our truths were convenient?

I decided to research this, turning to the world’s most reliable source for accurate information, Yahoo! Answers. According to the experts who frequent this site, it does sometimes snow in June. In fact, I’m told it “snows in the mountains all the time.” If we’re including mountains, however, I suppose a line like “Sometimes a plane full of soccer players crashes, and they have to eat each other” would be plausible as well.

So I’ll let the first line go.

Onto the second line: “Sometimes the sun goes ‘round the moon.”

Now, wait just a goddamned second.

The sun has never once in recorded history “gone ‘round the moon,” let alone “sometimes.” I’m not a scientist, but I’m pretty sure that if it did, some parts of Earth would get the shit burned out of them. If I had to guess, I’d think the parts of Earth affected would be “all of them.” There certainly wouldn’t be snow on the mountains in June, that’s for sure.

I mean, people who believe the Earth is six-thousand years old know that the sun hasn’t ever “gone ‘round the moon.” That’s right, the same people who think that Jesus rode a dinosaur know better. True, they probably believe that because “the Bible never said the sun went ‘round the moon” as opposed to basic physics, but still.

I’ve been told I should never complain about a problem without offering a solution, so I will offer a few suggestions for your song’s upcoming 25^th anniversary re-release. They are offered in descending order of similarity to the original line.

“Sometimes old satellites go ‘round the moon”

“Sometimes Alice Kramden goes to the moon”

“Sometimes a movie character played by Michael J. Fox howls at the moon.”

“Sometimes Mel Gibson calls a grip a ‘coon’”

Sincerely,

Jim Wellington

P.S. The rest of the song’s great. Good job.