Birthday's aren't guaranteed, and crying won't get you anywhere.[/caption]NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s family learned today that their father had followed up today’s cancellation of the family’s Thanksgiving meal with the news that he had no choice but to cancel Christmas as well. If no progress is made in resolving the family’s dispute, all holidays for the 2013 calendar year could be cancelled as soon as next month.
“Trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do,” Bettman said. “I wish there was another way, but at some point you have to make a hard choice as a parent.”
The exact nature of the Bettman family dispute is not clear, but sources close to the family say that the problems arose during a recent car trip.
“The family was driving to an event and Gary was worrying aloud that people would boo him,” said the source. “One of Gary’s children said under their breath ‘Like they don’t boo you every time you appear in public.’”
According to the source, Gary heard the insult and immediately cancelled the post-event family outing to Dairy Queen. He said that unless the child not only apologized, but also prevented every fan in the world from booing him, he wouldn’t do anything nice for them.
Over the following weeks, the mood in the Bettman house soured. At first they thought that Dad couldn’t possibly cancel the holidays again.
Just a few years ago, Gary cancelled the Bettman family holidays because he felt he was spending too much money on gifts for his children, who weren’t doing enough to earn his generosity. A deal was brokered that placed a limit on the amount of money he would have to spend on presents for each child, calculated as a monetary representation of that child’s worth to the family.
In addition to Bettman’s demand that the offending child prevent anyone from ever booing him ever again, he wants to recalculate the way each child’s worth is measured, as he feels that his original calculation was faulty.
“Yes, seven years ago, I got everything I asked for,” Bettman said. “But that doesn’t mean that I asked for everything I should have.”
Pundits following the situation speculated that Bettman could not possibly be serious about cancelling the family Christmas.
“No way. It’s Christmas! It’s the biggest present-giving holiday of the year, and the best publicity for the family,” tweeted Bettman family insider Darren Dreger just last week.
Representatives for the child have complained that their side has made significant concessions towards Bettman’s position, but Bettman continues to negotiate from his original proposal, which is universally considered ludicrous.
“Keep people from booing Bettman? He might as well ask his kid to make someone stay with Taylor Swift for more than one album,” tweeted Dreger.
(ed note: Yes, I know he's Jewish. Christmas just sounds funnier. Plus, if the whole thing is fake, why start worrying about facts?)
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