Monday, September 30, 2002

"Bumfights" Plantiffs Settle Lawsuit For Two Million Cheeseburgers

Disappointing the millions of Americans that wanted to see the case go to trial, the "Bumfights" case has been settled. According to early reports, the plaintiffs - Rufus Hannah, 47, and Donald Brennan, 53, have each received a settlement of 2 million cheeseburgers, rather than the $100,000 they were seeking.

The producers of the videos, which depict homeless men doing dangerous stunts as well as participating in fights in return for small amounts of cash, liquor, and/or food insist that they have done nothing illegal. The original lawsuit asked for a monetary remuneration, however the bums agreed to settle for a food payoff.

Their lawyer Jim Jefferson claimed that the settlement was "a victory for the large amount [5] of bums that were taken advantage of by these shameless voyeurs that will do anything for a buck. How can they look their mothers in the eye, when they pander in such filth?"

The defendants' mothers told us they're "so unbelievably proud of our sons! They moved us out of our small houses into larger ones down on Miami Beach. God bless our children!"

The case has provoked controversy throughout the country, with some decrying the producers as taking advantage of poor defenseless bums, as opposed to the hundreds of thousands of viewers that "pissed their pants laughing at those fucking guys."

Even though the monetary value of the settlement is greater than the $100,000 first sought, the defendants were able to obtain a clause stating that they will be able to continue selling the videos from their websites, which should more than offset the money they will spend purchasing the burgers.

Fortunately for the filmmakers, they were able to scam their local McDonald's into accepting the "Wimpy Proposition", in which they would gladly pay them tomorrow for a cheeseburger today. They then skipped town, leaving a Bakersville, CA McDonalds to foot their bill.

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