As the debate continues worldwide over whether or not military action is necessary to rectify the escalating situation with Iraq, United States President George W. Bush gave an impassioned plea to the UN on Friday, astonishing gatherers by flapping his arms and making chicken noises.
“What the hell are they waffling about?”, Bush was heard to murmer to an aide after the speech. "Either they're with us or against us, and I don't want to bomb most of Europe but if I have to in order to insure freedom, then that's a step I have to take." According to sources close to the president, Bush can’t fathom why the UN “are being such pricks about us dropping a few bombs on such an evil man.”
France is one of the few vocal supporters of the United States conducting military action against Iraq, however when asked if they would provide support for the strikes, they responded by saying: “Um…we never said we’d help fight, just that it’s a good idea…we’re not much good at fighting…ok ok, we surrender, just let us keep Paris.”
For those that don’t know, The United Nations was founded in 1945 as a way for allied troops to pledge their support for the effort against the Axis Powers. Throughout the years, the organization has evolved into an entity that votes on “resolutions”, which are defined as “stuff that we talk big about, but don’t actually do shit about”. The UN is also a leader in “fucking up sound foreign policy”.
Bush, who at the end of his speech was growing more and more exasperated, finally offered this: “All right fine. If you don’t vote to support an Allied military incursion into Iraq, America will not allow any of Shakira’s videos to be seen in any country outside the United States. I know it’s a drastic step, but you’re making me do it.”
After several seconds of heated debate, the council unanimously passed Bush’s regulation. The President celebrated by spending time with his daughters at a local NYC bar.
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