UN Strongly Condemns US Unilateral Invasion of London

The United Nations has made public the text of a letter strongly condemning what the body calls “The completely unnecessary unilateral invasion of a sovereign nation.”

[caption id="attachment_821" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Diana who?"][/caption]

The letter further accuses the U.S. Military of conducting a ground invasion of local and national reporters who are flocking to London to cover the wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

The ground troops are being supplemented by helicopter air support, and Londoners are not happy.

“You don't see the BBC going to the Jersey Shore to cover people who are famous for having done nothing, do you?” asked local resident Den Bickson “Cover your own fabricated stories.”

To ensure that no other media outlet scoops them on the latest news from London, every news outlet from NBC's Today Show to the smallest local news station has sent at least one reporter.

Obama “Extremely Offended” by Poor Quality of Racist Photoshop

Marilyn Davenport, an Orange County Republican Party official, thought it would be a good idea to send a funny email to several of her friends. The email featured a picture of three monkeys posed as if to take a family picture. President Obama's face is superimposed on the smallest monkey's face, leading many to call the email racist, or at the very least the most ill-advised political email sent since President Clinton clicked send on the “Re:Cigar afficianado” email. President Obama has finally had enough and released a statement saying that the poor picture quality is deeply offensive.

[caption id="attachment_816" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Try to at least blend it or something. Disgusting."][/caption]

“C'mon man, take some classes or something,” Obama said. “Photoshop for Dummies is about twenty bucks.”

Some have leapt to Davenport's defense, pointing out that President George W. Bush was frequently compared to a monkey, which is equally offensive because of the long history of white people being dehumanized by being compared to primates.

Davenport's email continues a series of poor quality images designed to draw their humor from racist stereotypes.

Photoshop expert Ben Dickson shakes his head while examining the latest image manipulation involving Obama.

“I don't know why this person even invested in Photoshop,” said Dickson. “Work of this quality could have been done in MS Paint for free. The person who made this doesn't even know what the blur tool is. Disgusting.”

 

Democrats Spread Rumor That Government Shutdown Would Shut Down Fox News

With midnight rapidly approaching and no deal in place to keep the government running, House Democrats are resorting to desperate measures to avoid a government shutdown. Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) is reportedly spreading rumors that the impending shutdown will cut funding to Fox News.

[caption id="attachment_812" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The ballsiest Weiner in Washington"][/caption]

“Hey, we tried to play fair,” said Weiner. “But the Republicans just won’t budge."

Democratic strategy is to convince Tea Party members, who are pushing House Republicans to cut programs such as Planned Parenthood and NPR, that they will not be able to watch Sean Hannity or Fox and Friends tell them what happened in the news and what to believe.

“Without Fox News programming, how will I know how Obama is ruining the country?” said Fox News viewer Jerry Giles. “The lamestream media is too scared to have Sarah Palin on to talk about important things, like Obama’s birth certificate or how Obama is working with the Illuminati to bring about the end of the world as prophesied by the Mayans and helped along by the Freemasons.”

There is still no word of a potential secret meeting between Weiner and House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) on what is being called the "Weiner - Boehner Compromise."

Nation Refuses to Believe Warning of Impending Asteroid Impact Not “Best April Fool's Joke Ever”

As Friday, April 1^st progresses, an increasingly agitated and alarmed Obama administration is frantically trying to convince the public that an asteroid is heading towards Earth, and people need to act quickly to avoid the annihilation of the human race.

[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark"][/caption]

The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet's surface.

“I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It's the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens."

Ross's excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.

“You've got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool's Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one's friends and family into believing lies.

Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.

Source Reveals that Melissa Leo Responsible for Only “5-10% of Overacting” on “The Fighter”

Hollywood insiders are buzzing with the news that Oscar winner Melissa Leo did not do all of her overacting on “The Fighter.” Stunt double Lea Ford has claimed that she did “nearly all” of the histrionics for the role.

[caption id="attachment_802" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Hey look! I won this award that EVERYONE knew I was going to win! I'll act all shocked and surprised!"][/caption]

“I didn’t want to step on any toes, and Melissa surely showed everyone how over the top she can be with her ‘who me?’ bullshit while accepting her Academy Award,” said Ford, “but I would like some credit.”

In “The Fighter,” Leo plays Alice Ward, the brash mother of two fighters played by Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale. Bale won the Oscar for Best Performance at an Awards Show by Facial Hair (by Volume).”

Director David O. Russell tried to stay out of the erupting controversy, but was forced into action when rumors threatened to overshadow his film’s achievement.

“I went back and watched the unedited footage,” Russell said. “Ford did do about 20% of the overacting, but that is to be expected on a movie like this. I gotta hand it to Christian [Bale] though. He did all his own overacting. It was something to see.”

 

Matt Cooke Inspiring Asshole Kids

Even before the NHL handed him a long suspension—the rest of the regular season and first round of the playoffs—Matt Cooke has taken great strides this season to increase his appeal to asshole kids throughout the US and Canada.

[caption id="attachment_795" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Matt Cooke in a rare action shot where he is not trying to end a player's career"][/caption]

“I remember when my dad first took me to a Penguins game,” said 13 year old asshole Geoff Lawrence. “He told me how great Sidney Crosby and Alexei Malkin were, but when I saw Matt Cooke sucker punch a player, I knew whose jersey I wanted.”

For his part, Cooke acknowledges that he is just the latest in a long line of asshole NHL players.

“I used to be so jealous of Sean Avery,” Cooke says. “I mean, that guy could be a douchebag both in and out of the arena. It’s tough enough to be an asshole on the ice; it’s another thing to take that talent outside the arena.”

Lawrence beams when he tells about the time he met his idol.

“I waited outside for the team bus,” said Lawrence. “ I yelled his name and was totally surprised when he looked my way. I asked him to throw me a jersey. He did even better. He threw an elbow. I still have the three teeth he knocked out.”

God Blames Tsunami on Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps

As the estimated deaths for the Japanese tsunami continue to climb and fears of nuclear meltdown escalate, many are looking to the sky and asking, “Why God? Why did you do this?” Apparently, God hates Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson.

[caption id="attachment_792" align="alignright" width="215" caption=""I didn't know there were fags in Japan""][/caption]

“I had received intelligence that suggested that Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were meeting in Japan to discuss combining forces,” said God. “They decided that they could more effectively hate people different from them if they worked together. Frankly, I got sick and tired of always being blamed for everything bad that happens on Earth.”

God said that he got the idea of a “decapitation strike” in the last decade.

“Hey, occasionally man has a really great idea,” God said with a shrug. “Just like the dyslexics say: You can teach an old God new tricks.”

Fred Phelps leads the widely maligned Westboro Baptist Church, which is a church in the same way Old Navy is a nautical store. Whenever tragic deaths occurs, Fred Phelps and his “congregation” show up to protest outside. They carry signs with Christian slogans like “God Hates Fags.”

“Do I hate fags? Not at all, and I wish you would not use that word,” God said. “I’ll tell you who I do hate. Fred Phelps. I have half a mind to picket his funeral.”

Americans Pledge to Care About Japan For Two to Three Days

As Joel Chillner watched a Youtube video of an enormous wave of water inundating Japanese farmland, he vowed that he would do something to help. A minute later, he sat back in his chair, looking in satisfaction at his new Facebook status, in which he said the tsunami “totally sucks” and he “really really REALLY hopes those people are ok, or at least know how to surf.”

[caption id="attachment_787" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Is Petra Nemcova OK?"][/caption]

Chillner is like many Americans who see disasters unfolding around the world and feel helpless. What can he do from so far away?

Fortunately, the internet has made it much easier for people like Chillner to do something to help people in need, or at least feel like they have done something to help people in need.

Shortly after the first waves hit Japan, celebrities were encouraging their Twitter followers to donate $10 via text. Depending on how extensive the damage turns out to be, the people of Japan may even rate a celebrity telethon.

Joseph Blocko, accountant, says, “I gave several days of my undivided attention to those poor people suffering because of the Gulf oil spill. I’m glad it all turned out all right.”

Increasingly Annoyed Christ Delays Rapture Yet Again

One cannot blame the Son of God for his angry outburst yesterday when he learned that another group of Christians are claiming to know when the Rapture will occur.

[caption id="attachment_782" align="alignright" width="233" caption="I wrote it down for you. It's right there! "][/caption]

“What part of neither the day, nor the hour of my second coming is so hard to get?” said Jesus Christ, as he ripped up another calendar. “It’s right there. If you miss it in Matthew, keep reading, cause it’s in Mark too! I mean Me-dammit!”

According to the Bible, humans are not able to predict the day or time of the Rapture, an eagerly awaited event by evangelical Christians. On this day, believers in Christ will be raptured—taken—from Earth to begin their eternal life with their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This event has been eagerly awaited since Christ was crucified over two thousand years ago. According to the story, he came back to life after three days and ascended into heaven after promising to return.

He must, however, time his return for a date which nobody can guess, according to Matthew 25:13 – “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”

“First I was going to come back in 1988, but some guy figured it out and started selling books,” said Christ. “He even had 88 reasons. Of course he was right, but once he guessed it, I had to reschedule. It’s like the book Catch-22: Once someone guesses it, it’s no longer right.”

Scientists Discover Gay Gene: Republicans Announce Abortion Exception

Scientists at the Johnson Research Laboratory in Andover, NJ have discovered the gene that determines one’s sexual orientation. Later in the day, Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, announced that the party’s platform had changed to being pro-choice in certain conditions.

[caption id="attachment_778" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What does this guy know about gay genes?"][/caption]

“You know, sometimes we make mistakes,” Priebus said. “We realized that the pro-choice people had some good points. As much as we would hope that people don’t choose to have an abortion, is it morally right to bring into the world a child who is destined to burn in hell?”

The latest change in policy comes in the midst of a Republican resurgence, in which newly elected lawmakers attempt to change laws to make government smaller. According to RNC spokesman Roger Ailes, “If government is not small, how can we insert it into women’s reproductive organs?”

Science ethicists disagree on the impact of the gay gene discovery. “There is no way to distinguish between ‘camps out for Kathy Griffin tickets’ gay and ‘dykes out for a semester in college’ gay,” says concerned ethicist Mark Devis, author of the popular column “Putting the Gene-y Back in the Bottle.”

This about-face on abortion restrictions is surprising because Republican state legislators have been proposing an increasingly stringent series of bills to limit a woman’s right to have an abortion. One such law slapped doctors with restraining orders that kept them from being within 100 yards of a fetus.

 

Your online protest does nothing

A while back, scores of my Facebook friends changed their profile picture to a cartoon character, saying that this was raising awareness for child violence. This phenomenon was reported on by many in the media as if it were a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It was not.

[caption id="attachment_772" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I could have just "unliked" a page? Now you tell me!"][/caption]

I upset some of my friends by pointing out that changing their profile pictures was an example of "slacktivism," a term which I fervently wish I had coined because it is a perfect way to describe this new trend.

Maybe I'm going to piss people off--maybe I should go back and change the first word of this sentence to "surely"--but this trend of "raising awareness" is becoming increasingly tiresome. For example, I fully support research and treatment for breast cancer. At this point, however, is anyone not aware that breasts are susceptible to cancer?  Haven't we turned over every rock by now and shouted to those slumbering under them, "Excuse me, but I made my Facebook status a sexual joke about where I left my pocketbook that implies that I like to have intercourse in that location."?

Last week, it was brought to my attention that Geoff Fox, the weatherman at the station I grew up watching, was being let go. Yes, you could say that my awareness was raised. What followed, however, shows just how ridiculous people are becoming with these online protests.

One Facebook group that was created to protest the event had many statuses similar to this:

?"Unlike" WTNH beginning at 6:00pm Monday and "re-like", if you so choose on Tuesday beginning at 6:00pm. 24 hour boycott. Will have more impact to do it together over a 24 hour period. This will take a few hours, it will true up at 5:59 on Tuesday. "unlike" is at the bottom, left side of the WTNH page. Thank you.

This does nothing.

Nothing.

Are the executives of companies going to look at their Facebook page and yell, "Holy shit, Bob! Our likes have plummeted! Call the board together, we need an emergency meeting!"

Sarah Palin Vows to Hack and Slash Violent Political Rhetoric

The following is a transcript of Sarah Palin’s video in response to the response to her response to the shooting in Arizona.

Good evening, America. I’m really sad that I have to spend time making another internet video to respond to the lamestream media’s reaction to my last video.

Many have called on me to apologize. I guess today you can’t tell the truth without somebody wanting you to apologize. I’ve been asked to retreat from my statement that the opposition soldiers in our political battle because of a phrase that I used, blood libel.

Some of these cowards have said that this statement is offensive to Jews. This is completely impossible. I am a good Christian, and have completely forgiven my Zionist friends for killing our savior. I ask you to wash your hands of these accusations like Pilate did.

Hamlet Kermit

"Drunk Sarah Palin" Supports Keith Older Man

The Fake News' latest correspondent, Drunk Sarah Palin, recorded a video in support of a media figure under fire. You can read her tweets at @drunksarahpalin.

Evangelical Christian Youths Enjoy Not Masturbating to Christine O'Donnell

Sixteen-year-old Akron teenager Brian Jacobsen used to have a problem. When he would see a scantily-clad attractive and fit woman, he would have a physical reaction below the belt. At first he thought this was perfectly natural, like all his peers told him. His so-called “friends,” however, were leading him down the path to eternal damnation, Jacobsen has since learned.

[caption id="attachment_744" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Christian Youths Love to Not Masturbate to This Picture"][/caption]

“They were telling me it was ok to release this tension myself,” says Jacobsen.” Fortunately, my friend turned me on to Christine’s videos, and I found out that this was completely unnatural and could even threaten my soul.”

The “Christine” to which Jacobsen refers is Christine O’Donnell, tea party darling and newest member of the Republican Party’s “I Won’t Appear on Any Shows Unless Their Name Starts With an ‘H’ and Ends in an ‘annity’” Club.

Old television clips of O’Donnell show her giving opinions that most of the country rejects, but some Evangelical Christians embrace, for example, saying that masturbating is immoral. When asked about old videos that are now being used to show her extreme views, O'Donnell said the videos represent the experimentation typical of young people.

For Jacobsen and members of his church youth group, these messages come at the right time, since their hormones are raging and nearly every type of product is sold by appealing to sexual urges.

"Ground Zero Mosque" Protesters Have Difficulty Locating Protest Site

As more and more Americans hear about the plans to build a mosque on the hallowed, sanctified ground where the World Trade Center towers once stood, many become outraged and want to do something to stop it. Every day since conservative commentators have made this story among the most talked about nationwide, throngs of protesters have descended upon lower Manhattan, many carrying signs, most surprisingly grammatically correct, that question the wisdom of building an Islamic place of worship so close to the site of the worst terrorist attack in American history. The number of protesters who arrive at the site is much smaller than the number who intend on protesting, according to opponents of the building. You see, many of these patriots are traveling to “Ground Zero” and cannot locate the proposed building site.

[caption id="attachment_737" align="alignright" width="300" caption="They're always after me lucky bombs!"][/caption]

“It’s easy to find Ground Zero, but we weren’t sure on what side of Ground Zero this travesty is being planned,” said Russell Garrison, factory worker and Glenn Beck viewer, who journeyed from Ohio to protest the construction. “We heard that they already had a giant Batman-like light that projected a giant star and crescent into the night sky, but we couldn’t see anything like that.”

Many would-be protesters are under the assumption that the building is being built at Ground Zero, probably because pundits have been calling the planned community center the “Ground Zero Mosque.” In the same way that Joe the Plumber wasn’t actually a licensed plumber and was not named Joe, the building is not located at Ground Zero, nor is it technically a mosque. Sure, a mosque is part of the community center, but most people do not say they are going to the bathroom to work out, even though their local gym has several bathrooms included inside the building.

Donovan’s Goal Sparks Dramatic Increase in American Pretending to Care About Soccer

[caption id="attachment_733" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The moment that an entire country pretended to care about later"][/caption]

When Landon Donovan coolly slotted the ball into the back of Algeria’s net, bars and living rooms exploded nationwide, with loyal U.S. Soccer fans elated by their country’s advancement into the second round of the World Cup. The next day, many Americans who had not watched the game, most of whom had not seen a replay, had very strong opinions about the US chances against Ghana. “All I can say is our next opponent is ‘not Ghana beat us,’” said college student Billy Miller, repeating a joke he read on a popular sports blog. He continued, “The US side, as long as they don’t concede early, should be able to get a favorable result. I just hope the official doesn’t fall for Ghana players going down to the pitch, you know, simulation. I hate that.” Miller has no idea what the words “side,” “concede,” “pitch,” “going down,” and “simulation” mean in this context.

President Obama Announces Regime Change For Exxon

Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.

[caption id="attachment_728" align="alignright" width="300" caption="It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?"][/caption]

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign.

Obama Swims Out to Oil Leak, GOP Criticizes Stroke

As more oil continues to spew into the Gulf of Mexico, pressure has mounted on President Obama to respond more boldly to the disaster. After being criticized for his supposed lack of response to the oil leak, yesterday the President said, “I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."  This show of anger would have worked very well last week, when Republicans were complaining about non-emotional response to the leak, but his statement played into this week’s message: “The President is too angry.” The theme started shortly after Obama made this statement.

[caption id="attachment_722" align="alignright" width="289" caption="For some reason, he walked backwards into the water"][/caption]

After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.

The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously.

The Fake News Makes the Real News

So, I've had a few days off to mess around the apartment. While doing so, I discovered the greatest new site on the internet: http://www.americaspeakingout.com. The Republicans, apparently knowing nothing about the internet, thought it would be a great idea to pretend to listen to the people. Everyone else knew it was a great opportunity to have some fun. So, I created an account and went to work. It was difficult because of the horrible design of the site; it literally takes at least a minute for each page to load, sometimes longer. However, one of my posts ended up making it into the Washington Post story on the trouble with the website. Here's the relevant section:

But Republicans might want to take a hard look at the suggestion that "we need to reframe the discussion" about the BP oil spill to counteract the "environmental whackos" worried about wildlife. Republicans, this person proposed, should argue that "BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good."

In case you're curious, here is my full post:

We need to reframe debates so that we look better. So many people are making a big deal out the oil spill, and these environmental whackos are all aflutter about the birds and fish. We need to reframe the discussion. Two solutions: The oil spill is producing clean energy. The libs are always screaming about how dirty our energy is. BP is trying out a new technique - washing the oil before refining it. How can washing something be bad? Second solution: BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good.