What if PBS' ratings go down?

Alex Jones thinks juice boxes are making kids gay

I don't typically re-post things from Facebook here, but I spend a lot of time on this, and I felt like giving it its own page. My friends posted this video from Alex Jones, talking about how juice boxes are making kids gay.



I wrote a very short story as a response. This is fiction.

When I was growing up, I loved girls. Girls, girls, girls, I just couldn't get enough. Sometimes, when Jenny Shanka would wear those red shorts when it was hot out and she would have to lean forward to get the papers to pass back to me, my desk raised up about 3 inches. And stayed there. 

That was before I knew about juice boxes. I used to get milk with my lunch. Then, one day, I forgot money to get milk. My friend Jim gave me his Capri Sun. I popped the straw in the foil hole, well more like fumbled around with trying to get the straw into that goddamn little hole for five minutes. Finally, I could take it no longer. I ripped the top open with my teeth and slurped the juice into my parched mouth.

I looked at Jim. "Thank you," I said. I could barely get out the second syllable because I was awestruck by his eyes. They were so blue. He said it was no problem, and I saw his dimples for the first time. How had I missed these dents of perfection for all these years? I was a mess of emotions. I had heard the rumors about juice boxes, and how once you go juice, you like it in the caboose, but those were just boys being boys while flicking each other with towels in the locker room. Right?

Right?

In physics, Jenny was wearing the red shorts. Not only that, but I swear she had rolled the legs up an extra inch. For me? Dare I dream? Bobby Jacobs, the guy who sat in front of Jenny, was absent, so Jenny stood up and bent over as far as she could to grab the paper. As she did, she looked over her shoulder at me. And winked. I quickly slammed my hands on my desk, knowing that if I didn't, it would hit the ceiling. She touched the corner of her mouth with her tongue and slowly brought it to the other side. When she handed me the stack of papers, her hand lingered on mine for a second that seemed to last as long as a...

Second. I felt nothing. My desk stayed still. What had happened? 

I didn't know what to feel. My world was crashing down around me. I looked over at Jim. He smiled at me. 

My desk moved.

New TV Show Pitches

If Here Comes Honey Boo Boo can be a show, I can create a show too. Here are some ideas.

Because, come on. Everyone wants to get sex advice from the Dowager Countess.

From the creators of Lost comes a time-travel romantic comedy where if you don't fit in, just jump to a different time! Just watch for nosebleeds.

Even AIG wouldn't insure this show.

Congress proposes “Sanctity of Gun Life” law

A Glock handgun lies on a hardwood floor, its black matte finish speckled with crimson. A somber crime scene investigator carefully picks it up and places it into a plastic bag marked “EVIDENCE.”  The soldier to whom the gun belonged is placed into his own bag, the ragged sound of the zipper being pulled up bringing a harsh sense of finality to the room, where in the corner his girlfriend sits, in too much shock to cry.

The soldier, who suffered from post-traumatic stress disorder, is taken away by the coroner. But what happens to the gun? It was an unwilling participant in this suburban tragedy, like the seventeenth pill in a bottle or a length of rope.

If Congress has its way, this gun will not remain homeless, its new plastic home lining a shelf in some evidence warehouse. It will certainly not face the gun death penalty, destruction after a family member of the deceased does not want to give it a good home.

No, this gun will be able to find a second life, protecting its new owner.

“When a gun is created, we believe that it deserves protection from the moment that gun’s manufacturing process begins,” said bill co-sponsor Steve King (R-IA). “From the moment the material hits the mold, that is a life, afforded all due protections under the law.”

Another of the bill’s co-sponsors thinks the law is a natural extension of Biblical principles.

“In the Bible, Jesus said to turn the other cheek,” said Michelle Bachmann (R-MN). “He also said that an eye for an eye makes the whole world blind. If we retaliate against these innocent guns, who did nothing but work the way they were created, we are just as guilty of destruction as the person who pulled the trigger.”

Super Bowl Betting tips for non-football fans

The Government is Violating Your Second Amendment Rights (If You Don't Really Think About It)

[caption id="attachment_1874" align="alignnone" width="500"] This guy was incinerated by a Predator drone five seconds later. The Predator operator then went to lunch.[/caption]

I’ve learned over the years that engaging in arguments on Facebook is rarely productive. Most effective points cannot be made in a few sentences, and most people tune out when a Facebook comment reaches the second sentence. Therefore, these arguments turn into a slightly-more-mature-but-not-much version of the comment sections on YouTube.

I do, however, feel that people are making incredibly ill-informed and poorly thought-out arguments in regards to the gun debate now taking place in America. I will attempt to take these on one at a time and explain why each makes no sense. As I said in my article about putting armed guards in schools, these arguments fall apart when you examine them closely.

I am not against guns in general. I legally own a gun, and I’ve been highly trained in how to use it safely and effectively. I used to teach people how to shoot small arms in the Navy, and I used to carry a handgun as part of my job. I don’t believe there should be a blanket ban on all guns, and even if I did, I know that it would be impossible to enforce. So, let’s talk about the arguments being put forth against regulations that are actually being proposed.

“They’re taking our guns.”

Short answer: No they’re not.

Longer answer: This has been the mantra of the NRA since President Obama was elected. If the Obama administration has been planning for over four years to take your guns, they are so laughably inept at taking your guns that you have nothing to worry about. Let’s take a look at the Obama administration’s cunning long-term plan to take your guns.

Step 1. Do nothing for four years to take guns.

Step 2. Stand for a democratic election, in which many people think you will be voted out.

Step 3. Do nothing when mass shootings happen for years.

Step 4. Propose Congress re-institute regulations that were in place a decade ago and issue executive orders, none of which will take any guns.

Step 5. Take everyone’s guns*

The * indicates that this has not happened, and will not happen, because “They’re taking our guns” is an empty slogan, devoid of any connection to reality.

So basically, either the Obama administration is so horribly inept at “taking your guns” that you should not be worried or, you know, it’s bullshit. Your call.

The stamp that every teacher wants for grading papers

A guide to using analogies to explain complex political issues

Last week, people started sharing an image on Facebook that claimed to put the budget issues facing our country in perspective by comparing the numbers to a household budget. Just like my last post, that makes sense if you don't really think about it.

The problem with this analogy is that the situation is far more complex than the comparison allows. For starters, a worker cannot raise his household revenue in the same way a government can. Yes, a family member could work more hours or get a second job, but that's assuming that the hours or job is available. As many people today will tell you, getting a job, let alone a second job is far from a sure thing. A government, meanwhile, has many ways to raise revenue that are guaranteed.

On the other side, government debt and household debt are vastly different. A government can borrow money at a rate close to zero percent, while a household has to pay a much higher rate. In addition, a government can get far more value for their borrowing than a household can.

That's not to say that our government does not need to spend less. I'm simply saying that the comparison between a household budget and a government budget is so flawed as to render such a comparison meaningless.

Armed guards in all schools makes a lot of sense (if you don't really think about it)

[caption id="attachment_1845" align="alignnone" width="600"] The royal palace guards debut their new bullet catcher.[/caption]

I am a 6 year veteran of the Navy and a high school English teacher. The only people in my school who have more weapons training than I are a few subs who are retired police officers. I carried a firearm several times a week for years, frequently went to the shooting range, and taught others how to shoot. I also ran force protection for 1/4 of my ship. Basically that means I was responsible for improving the security of our ship and ensuring personnel were properly trained to implement our security protocols. One of my jobs was to analyze the ship's weaknesses and develop methods of securing those weaknesses, or limiting damage caused by a group exploiting those weaknesses.

One thing I quickly learned is that total safety is an impossibility. We had armed guards at every entrance. Multiple layers of security at every access point. We ran drills every four days. Even so, if someone really wanted to attack us, our reasonable goal would be to limit casualties and damage. Total prevention is impossible. 

In response to the shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, the NRA is calling for armed guards at all schools. I'm not sure proponents of this idea have thought everything through. First of all, many school districts have been cutting teachers. I'm not sure where districts are going to find the money to hire armed security. I'm sure that you could just eliminate another teacher or two. You know, the ones who are fresh out of school, burning with a passion to help students. That's an excellent trade-off for the illusion of safety.

How to Unlock "Bettman Mode" on NHL 13

Bettman Family Despondent after Dad Cancels Christmas

[caption id="attachment_1793" align="alignright" width="346"] Birthday's aren't guaranteed, and crying won't get you anywhere.[/caption]

NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman’s family learned today that their father had followed up today’s cancellation of the family’s Thanksgiving meal with the news that he had no choice but to cancel Christmas as well. If no progress is made in resolving the family’s dispute, all holidays for the 2013 calendar year could be cancelled as soon as next month.

“Trust me, it’s the last thing I want to do,” Bettman said. “I wish there was another way, but at some point you have to make a hard choice as a parent.”

The exact nature of the Bettman family dispute is not clear, but sources close to the family say that the problems arose during a recent car trip.

“The family was driving to an event and Gary was worrying aloud that people would boo him,” said the source. “One of Gary’s children said under their breath ‘Like they don’t boo you every time you appear in public.’”

According to the source, Gary heard the insult and immediately cancelled the post-event family outing to Dairy Queen. He said that unless the child not only apologized, but also prevented every fan in the world from booing him, he wouldn’t do anything nice for them.

Over the following weeks, the mood in the Bettman house soured. At first they thought that Dad couldn’t possibly cancel the holidays again.

Just a few years ago, Gary cancelled the Bettman family holidays because he felt he was spending too much money on gifts for his children, who weren’t doing enough to earn his generosity. A deal was brokered that placed a limit on the amount of money he would have to spend on presents for each child, calculated as a monetary representation of that child’s worth to the family.

In addition to Bettman’s demand that the offending child prevent anyone from ever booing him ever again, he wants to recalculate the way each child’s worth is measured, as he feels that his original calculation was faulty.

“Yes, seven years ago, I got everything I asked for,” Bettman said. “But that doesn’t mean that I asked for everything I should have.”

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 10 and 11

People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are the last two entries

Entry 10: today has been an uneventful and dreadful day. I find it increasing difficult to even continue writing these entries. The majority of the day I spent venturing about, the highlight being my journey to a distant store. My goal was to obtain a computer chair since mine was destroyed by the survivalist thief. To my dismay, the employees must have had their intelligence decreased tenfold by the storming, rendering them completely useless at answering my question about an item that was on sale. They may have been zombies for all I know, but as usual during this trauma I have been experiencing, I took matters into my own hands and found the information I required. I purchased the chair which will hopefully ease my suffering, although I will not be able to assemble it in the near future. Regardless, I fear that my seemingly endless suffering is not even close to coming to an end. Now, I am with the survivalist thief, and he is currently eating tuna that he probably scavenged from a distant water source -- I am fearful of asking him too many questions. Hopefully my melancholy will cease in the coming days, but with conditions so grim, I doubt that is possible.

Entry 11: power has been restored. As I exit my vault, the world seems to be a better place, although I do not know if I will ever fully recover from this dreadful experience. All I know is that no one had it as bad as me, and through my turmoil, I re-affirmed my belief that death would have been better than losing internet. Even Job would pity me and my macabre situation. So ends my miserable experience and my posts via this awful smartphone that is more of a burden than anything because of the way it taunts one while attempting to use it to access the internet. May God watch over us all, and if that is not possible, may He watch over only me so that this never happens again.

Earlier entries here , here and here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The only Obama image you need tonight

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 7 through 9

People who don’t live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 7-9 (out of 11)

Entry 7: the wasteland is worse than I ever could have imagined. The road I needed to use was closed, forcing me to trek onto main roads. On the highway, no one was permitted to turn left because of the impending impact of space debris in those exact locations. I can only assume the right lanes were closed due to radioactive materials in the drainage systems, which makes driving in that lane incredibly dangerous. One can only assume mutated creatures are now dwelling in the sewers. I saw millions fleeing from the impending doom; they filled gas stations and wawas, fearing the power outages may last years and fearing their provisions will only last 3-4 days. For now, I am safe but none the better for it. I am fearful of the journey back.

Entry 8: the ride home was no better. I ventured down back roads in an attempt to avoid the chaos of the busy streets only to find road after road closed. At each closure, my fear grew more intense, as each could have been a well-place trap. Desperate for help, I enlisted the help of a wanderer who was traveling on the edge of the road. It was apparent that this wanderer was adversely affected by the storm: his teeth were incredibly crooked, his face was odd and not well-kept, he talked with an accent foreign to me, and worst of all, he sported an AC Delco baseball cap. I was unsure if he was still human, as he easily could have been a vampire or a zombie of some sort, but I trusted him none the less. He gave me directions that were accurate, although many alterations had to be made due to more closed roads. As I traversed these roads, the check engine light that was on in my car was a constant reminder of how volatile my situation was and is. I am home now, and I am as safe as I can be given the current circumstances.

Entry 9: at home, my survival expert friend visited with the vain hope of easing both of our hardships. He, unlike me, does not have a generator, and thus is not in as great of peril as I am facing. To open his eyes to my plight, I forced him to experience first hand what it is like to have the generator run out of gas while one is attempting to play a non-internet connected video game. Not only did I force him through that horror, but I also forced him to manually refill the generator with the supplied gasoline. Afterwards, I believe he had a better sense of what it means to suffer. My time with him was amble yet not well-spent; since he is a survivalist and a thief, two qualities that when coupled create a dangerous individual, I was filled with constant trepidation, and I was unable to divert my eyes from him for a second. In this state, he and I watched a mutually agreed upon movie and got a double dose of nostalgia of times before the storm. As he left, I fear he may have swindled my things while in the shadows. Although a scary thought, the AC Delco hatted man may have been more trustworthy company. Sleep awaits.

Earlier entries here and here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 4 through 6

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 4-6 (out of 11)

Entry 4: lunchtime. With provisions running low, the family had to make a decision. Although morbid to most, we decided to draw straws to see who was going to make the ultimate sacrifice so the others could eat well and live. Unfortunately, that poor soul was me. As a result, I was forced to turn down other better food and eat a ham and cheese sandwich, a disgusting thought considering the age in which we live. At this rate, we may all be reduced to eating pbj sandwiches in 2-3 days. I forced down the sandwich only to find that my dessert was fun sized peanut M&Ms, and we all know there is nothing fun about that quantity of candy.

Entry 5: full-fledged nightfall brings the most barbaric conditions yet. With only the light of a flashlight, I took the most dreadful shower one could imagine. The water had not the capacity to reach scorching hot levels, and I curtailed my regular 25 minute shower to a mere ten minutes because of the fear that the water may turn cold upon 10-20 minutes more of use. Then, when exiting the shower, I found the temperature to be 3 degrees cooler than what I would consider comfortable shower exiting temperature. The barbarity only increased as I went upstairs to find that someone had ate all the chocolate ice cream sandwiches, forcing me to settle for mint ice cream sandwiches. The dark is dreary and oppressive, and as I write this, the generator kicks off with my game unsaved. Can I go on knowing that 2 hours worth of playing has been for nothing? Time will only tell.

Entry 6: all hope is almost lost. As I was exploring mothership zeta, the generator kicked off a moment, making half of my exploration meaningless. The loss in morale has made me decide to explore the wasteland in search of power and internet. With only a poptart, cereal, and wawa chicken sandwich in my stomach, I venture into the unknown in a likely vain and futile expedition to find just a sliver of hope and lost morale.

Earlier entries here.

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

The Wasteland Diary - Entries 1 through 3

People who don't live in the Northeast have had trouble understanding just how devastating Hurricane Sandy was to the area. The Fake News, through the generosity of Mark Davis, has obtained a diary from one of the survivors. We cannot verify its authenticity, but we present it to you unedited. Here are entries 1-3 (out of 11)

Entry 1: the storms came. Now I am without power or internet. Without the ability to look it up, I can only assume that 80 percent of the population is now dead. The other 20 percent have it even worse with no power or internet. The world is now a bleak place, and I can only hope for my rations to carry me through. At the very least, I hope my phone lasts until nightfall. If all is lost, please let god take me quick and painlessly. I don't know how I'm going to survive this...

Entry 2: I was forced to eat cold cereal this morning instead of my traditional oatmeal. Kids in Africa do not have it this bad. The facebook app on this phone works as well as the typical retail seasonal employee. As of now, I am confined to my room that is only lit by what can only be called non-artificial light. It hurts my eyes. God, please help me through this.

Entry 3: extension cords from the backup generator have been run to my living corridors. With this, life has become more grim. How can one use modern appliances such as a computer or a video game console without the internet? Morale is at an all-time low. I wish I did not have the misfortune of having a backup generator. The end seems near...

*This is clearly (hopefully) meant to satirize those complaining about mild inconveniences, not to trivialize those with serious needs. Please donate to help Hurricane Sandy victims here.

Your Primer for the 2nd Presidential Debate

Tonight, two candidates chosen by millionaires will meet at Hofstra University in an attempt to convince undecided voters to choose them on November 6th. As a valuable public service, here is a primer on what to expect.

Barack Obama:

- Following Joe Biden's successful turn in the debate spotlight, the President will attempt to steal some of that "Biden magic" by wearing Biden's dentures.

- The President will wait until after the debate to take his Ambien.

- Obama is taking a page from Romney's book and has been practicing some "zingers." These include: "That might fly on Planet Kolob, but on Earth we rely on facts." "Bipartisanship is not when you promise both sides what they want." and "I told my daughter Malia about your job plan. Oh, how she laughed."

Mitt Romney

- Expect Romney to announce he is now running as a Democrat.

- Will give thanks to his favorite god, Janus, in his opening statement.

- In an attempt to avoid looking like he is rude, will say "excuse me" while talking over the moderator.

WTF, Google News?

[caption id="attachment_1762" align="alignright" width="385"] Well, if the interwebs says it's true...[/caption]

Every day, ok fine, about ten times a day, I check Google News to see what's happening in the world. Apparently, the people running the service don't see anything wrong with running opinion pieces in the same section as news pieces with no distinction. You can see in the screenshot that an opinion piece with the headline: "Romney, Ryan lack character" is listed under regular news stories.

Now one would imagine that people would read that and realize that the article is an opinion piece. That doesn't absolve Google News from their obligation to say so. This story is more clearly opinion that others that have appeared without an opinion label attached, but those others are more troubling. People who scroll through quickly are going to see these headlines presented in the same way as other, factual ones.

The most frustrating thing is that it can't be a hard fix. Google must not really think it's important. Do you?

The NHL's real priorities: LOCKOUT edition

Pilot pitches for next season

Pilot pitches for next season:

Cupcake Whores: When their business fails, how can they make money when all they know is baking and fondant?

The Red Badge of Narcissism: Bob telecommutes, and after a particularly bad date, decides to only communicate with the outside world through Facebook.

Minaj a Trois: Nicki Minaj plays all three roommates in a sitcom that takes place inside her head.