I got a new (to me) car!

Well, here's my new car. It's a 2001 Mitsubishi Eclipse GS with 54500 miles. I got it through my mechanic. ;)

New Poker table pics

Well, I fixed the rail, it took me a long time. As you can see from the new pictures, it's way tighter and it looks a lot better. I took some pics with the rail off so you can see underneath. For some reason the pics turned out really blurry, I don't know exactly why.

We went to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory today. It's the first time I've been to a movie lately that I would go back and see again tomorrow. Awesome flick.

Poker table finished

Well, it's not 100% perfect, but it's pretty damn good for my first attempt at a project like this. A lot of the pics I took came out blurry for some reason, I'll try to take some more later.

poker rail

http://gowzerpoker.com is where I got the plans from

The middle felt part is going to be royal blue

The rail is going to be dark brown

The exposed wood part is pictured.

How to kill drain flies, a tutorial

OK...

Well this didn't work out the way I wanted to. But anyway. The casa de Wellington has recently been taken over by little devils known as drain flies. the bastards look like fruit flies, but make their homes and nesting places in the drains where they feed off of biological material. Sounds like fun, right?

Anyway, you think you might have them? Here's how to tell. They are fairly small, about 1/4 of an inch. They like to hang out near the drains, like near the sink. However, they're not always over there. They like to hang out on the walls or ceiling and don't move until you disturb them. They don't really fly too much, just a bit from place to place. The first picture above the writing pictures them pretty well.

A way to control them is through a combination of homemade traps and store bought brands. However, only a certain few are worth spending your time and money on.

A good strip to use is made by a company called Victor. They come in packs of 4 and i bought them at Home Depot.

However the big daddy is something you can make yourself.

Take a jar, like about a medium pickle jar. Put in 1/2 cup sugar, 1/2 cup vinegar, fill the rest with water, and put a few drops of dish soap. The flies are attracted to the sugar and vinegar combo, but drown in the soapy water.

The next picture up after these ones is a trap that doesn't work. I bought this one at Home Depot and it DOES NOT work for these flies.

The next picture up is a product called DF 5000. You need to buy this product to eliminate the source of the problem, which is buildup in your drains. Do a google search, I bought mine from do your own pest control . com or something like that. You put it down the drains for 5 days, 4 oz a day. You should buy 2 bottles if you have a drain and a garbage disposal like i do.

Then you should use a space fogger like the next picture up. That is the one I used. It's a Raid product and works very well. it sucks to move everything out and back in again, but it's worth it.

Also, you should buy some stoppers for your drains to prevent the flies from hiding in the drains before the cleaner works. They are cheap at any supermarket.

The best thing to prevent any spare leftover flies is a spray bottle of soapy water. If you see any of the little bastards around, then just spray them and they won't be able to fly and you can kill them easily. Awesome.

cut open, job prospect, book deal? It's been a busy week

This was the week where I went under the knife. I've been having a lot of trouble hearing and found out from the ENT doctor that I had a perforated eardrum. I also had a lot of other stuff that was caused by this, and yesterday the doctor operated on my poor little ear. I was in the prep room with Mrs. Wellington and the last thing I remember is thinking, "Wow, this stuff works fast". Next thing I know I'm in the recovery room. Turns out that there was a lot more stuff wrong with my ear than they thought. I'm going to have to have at least one more surgery. PS. This post is being written under the influence of Vicodin, which is not nearly as fun as I thought it would be.

I'm going to have a job interview for a job in NYC next week. Mrs. Wellington and I would love to move back to the Northeast, so this might be a great opportunity to do so. More as that develops.

My friend and fellow satire writer Brian White are in the early stages of a collaborative book project. I don't want to say too much about it until more is finalized, but suffice it to say, fans of the excellent Wellington writing will not be disappointed.

Well, it's almost time to watch the new Fox reality show So you think you can dance. I have a feeling that it should be called "so we think you'll watch anything".

We'll see.

It's been a while

Man, it's been a while since I wrote something in here. Glad that it's the end of the week and am really looking forward to the long weekend. Mrs. Wellington and I (that hot piece of ass!) are going to a Padres game tomorrow night and to the fair on Saturday. Last time I went to a Padres game I almost caught a foul ball, but ended up almost breaking my hands. And I lost the ball. Bastards.

Mrs. Wellington and I recently got an old school NES off of E-bay. It's a good thing that I say those commercials on television that showed me, in a fun and musical way, how to use E-Bay. Ya Know, "Do you know the way to use E-bay...."? Anyway, Super Mario Bros 3 is just as much fun as I remember it. Although I still have to pick up Blades of Steel, that's one of my favorite old school games.

I've been trying to listen to less politics lately, it just depresses me what this country is turning into. Most people that say that are talking about our current administration, but while I'm not exactly enamored with all their policies, the other side of the political aisle pisses me off more.

As much as this probably sounds horrible, why the hell is there all this news coverage of the missing girl in Aruba. Yes, I'm sorry she's most likely dead. Yes, I'm sorry her family is upset that she's gone. But there are worse things in the world going on, and definitely more important. There's thousands of people that go missing every day, why is she so special that she gets all these news stories? It's just like Laci Peterson and Lori Hacking. Hmmmmm...Laci.....Lori....if she's still alive, Lana Turner better watch the fuck out!

And don't even get me started on that Runaway Bride woman. I prefer to call her the Runaway Felon. I'm not sure if what she did is technically considered a Felony, but it sounds much better than calling her the Runaway Misdemeanor-committing person. I don't know who upset me more in the "big exclusive interview": Her, her husband, or Katie "I'm starting to look like Skeletor" Couric, who I'm surprised didn't find a way to bring up prostate cancer in the interview. The chick is obviously whacked out. Her husband is an idiot for staying with such an obviously insane person. And Katie Couric is possibly the worst interviewer of all time.

"Why did you run away?" Right here, any halfway mediocre interviewer would stop and let her...I don't know, maybe...answer the question??? But no, Katie gives her an easy way to answer the question by describing 18 possible answers and then, after the commercial break, let's Psycho woman say "Yes, that's what I was thinking."

I gotta run, later!

Coors Whores

So I go to my local liquor store yesterday. They have this promotion where it's a Coors Light bonanza. They have these two chicks in very revealing clothing, one at the front of the store, one at the back. They are offering specials on Coors Light. Now, here's the interesting part, when I'm drinking domestic beer, I prefer Coors Light to Bud or Miller, so I'm not totally against Coors. However, I was interested in trying out the new Samuel Adams Light, which I'd heard was quite good.

So the first girl tells me that they have a special on Coors Light beer, etc. I say that I'm not interested. She starts to follow me, but then stops and stays near the front of the store. The next one is standing near the back. I thought about getting Bud Light just to fuck with her, but she started up early.

Coors Whore: "I know you want to get some Coors Light"
Me: "No, not really.
CW: "It's really good and you can get 2 dollars off an 18 pack"
Me: "That's OK, thank you."
CW: "So what kind of beer are you going to get"
Me: "My purchasing habits are none of your business."
CW: "Well why don't you get Coors Light?"
Me: "......"
CW: "Thanks for ignoring me"
Me: "Thanks for harrassing me"

Sometimes I feel like I know exactly what Larry David is going through on Curb Your Enthusiasm....

What the fuck happened to Lindsay Lohan?

I don't think any celebrity has as rapidly gone from very attractive to horribly disgusting in as short a period of time as Lindsay Lohan. One minute, she's a curvy, hot young actress. Now, she looks like a younger version of Maria Shriver, AKA Skeletor. There has to be some kind of petition to sign or protest to attend. Maybe a telethon? Send in donations to buy Lindsay a sandwich?

Hey everyone

Hey everyone. You might know me from my former website The Fake News. It's still up as an archive at www.thefakenews.com. Jimmy Wellington is not my real name, but I prefer to post under my pen name so I can say whatever I want.

My first post is about reality shows. I personally HATE reality shows. American Idol isn't that bad, since Carrie Underwood is a hot piece of ass. And she can sing good too. But other reality shows drive me crazy, which is weird because Mrs. Wellington is a big fan of the genre. So I have to tolerate most of them. There have been a few that I'm just like, no way. Turn that shit off. I forget exactly which ones, but there was one about rich fuck's "sweet 16 party" on MTV. It was excruciating.

Then on The Amazing Race, this one woman said what perhaps has been the stupidest comment ever. Her boyfriend was a POW and she said something along the lines of...

"You always seem to get out of commitment. You got out of the Army."
"How so?"
"By being a POW"

If that was my girlfriend I would have stopped the car and forcibly removed her from the car and from my life. What a bitch!

That's about it for now. Later.

American School Shooters Still Not as Efficient as Rest of World

[caption id="attachment_121" align="alignright" width="250" caption="Is this the face of a killer? Yeah, I guess so"][/caption]

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Last Monday, a Minnesota student went on a killing spree in his high school, killing 9 and injuring 15. While he had a higher kill rate than the Columbine duo (13 killed between the two of them), politicians claim that American school shooters still lag behind the rest of the world.




In 2002, a German student killed 17 others before taking his own life. In 2001, 2 Kenyan student killed 67 students by setting a fire. Later in 2001, a 37 year old man killed 8 students with knives and injured 13 others in a Japanese school.

Americans Relieved Tsunami All Taken Care Of

Written by Jimmy Wellington

According to a poll conducted by The Fake News, the tsunami disaster that was all over the news several weeks ago has been erased from the public's mind. In its place are such important news items as Michael Jackson's trial, the American Idol competition, and Paris Hilton's cell phone getting hacked.

[caption id="attachment_128" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark!"][/caption]

"Man, isn't it crazy that all this bad stuff keeps happening to that wonderful Paris Hilton?", said American housewife Christy Jennings. "First her home video gets stolen, now people are trying to get at her personal naked photos and phone numbers? If they don't stop whoever's responsible, soon the nude pictures and celebrity contacts I keep on my cell phone will be all over the internet!"

Olympic Search Committee Leaves New York: Homeless People, Knicks Allowed to Return

Written by Jake Novak

After a week of putting its best foot forward for the 2012 Summer Games Olympic Search Committee, New York City is letting its guard down and allowing its more embarrassing elements, like homeless people and the Knicks, to return.

[caption id="attachment_472" align="alignright" width="350" caption="Maybe we can pawn the rings for crack!"][/caption]

"Well, we didn't want the IOC to see a bunch of bums on the streets, and we also didn't want them to notice the homeless people either," said Mayor Michael Bloomberg at a news conference after leaving the Olympic search team off at JFK Airport. "And it's a good thing the Oscars are this weekend, because that helped most of our abusive celebrities decide to spend the whole week in L.A.," he added.

City Hall officials admitted to a well-planned effort to get the homeless and the Knicks players out of the search committee's view.

"Well, with the homeless we just gave them all a bottle of malt liquor and bus ticket to Scranton. The Knicks were a little trickier, until we found out we could get them to scatter simply by telling them they were all about to be served with paternity suits," said Deputy Mayor Dan Doctoroff. "Man, you should have seen those players run like hell when we brought that lawyer into the locker room."

But there appears to be some long-term planning as well, according to WCBS-TV political reporter Andrew Kirtzman.

"This wasn't all last-minute. First, the city was careful to invite the IOC to come only on the days of the week when Rosie O'Donnell is usually getting or recovering from liposuction. Second, they did it in the dead of winter when the Mets are safely down in Florida," said Kirtzman.

But the city is hoping there will be no hard feelings, and has already welcomed many of its temporary exiles back home.

"Last night, we let the Knicks back into Madison Square Garden and we arranged hotel rooms for twice the number of ho's they usually bring into midtown on a week night," Bloomberg said. "And as for the homeless, we're just letting them roam free on Staten Island. After a few days, their smell will be indiscernible from everything else over there," he explained.

The IOC will make its decision about the 2012 Summer Games site later this year.

Public Television Fails to Make Children Gay, PBS President Resigns

Written by Jake Novak

Stung by a new study that revealed that PBS children’s broadcasting doesn’t make kids want to be gay after all, PBS president Pat Mitchell was forced to resign in disgrace earlier today.

[caption id="attachment_184" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Come on guys, Patty came out of the closet "][/caption]









“I failed in my duty to bring homosexuality to America’s children,” said a tearful Mitchell at a news conference this afternoon, “but I am not giving up my fight for gay values, I’ll just find another venue,” she added.

Experts say PBS’s methods were too subtle to be effective.

“Well, having Ernie and Bert living together and introducing Buster the bunny to that lesbian couple just wasn’t enough,” said child psychologist Dr. Lloyd Flaro, “I mean, they needed more leather, more piercings, maybe even some dildos with Elmo’s face on them… something!”

Other critics say the PBS programming was just too entertaining to work.

“You need to fight fire with fire in this business,” said conservative movie and TV reviewer Michael Medved. “Have you seen the average Church-funded videos for kids? They’re so God-awful they make you willing to do anything to get them to stop. Now, ‘Sesame Street’, ‘Arthur’, geez… even ‘Barney’ are all better than any of those ‘Davey & Goliath’ pieces of crap. Mitchell’s successor needs to lull the kids into submission with something preachy and low budget; like your average episode of ‘Highway to Heaven.’”

Congressional Republicans are using Mitchell’s resignation as a pretext for pulling more funding from PBS, but there’s late word that an anonymous sponsor has pledged to replace any future budget cuts dollar for dollar.

“Our generous sponsor is asking that his name not be revealed, and has only specified that the new funding be recognized as the ‘Neverland Ranch Grant’ from now on,” said a PBS spokesperson.

FCC Forces Paul McCartney to Wear Metal Codpiece During Super Bowl Halftime Show

Last year, Janet Jackson's "wardrobe malfunction" at the hands of Justin Timberlake during the Super Bowl halftime show created an outrage among families nation wide. Most were enraged that Jackson's breast was shown on national television for a fraction of a second, while others were just shocked that a member of the Jackson family was asked to play at the halftime show.

[caption id="attachment_423" align="alignright" width="275" caption="Your FCC approved halftime show"][/caption]

This year, organizers have decided to go with a "safer" act by having former Beatles member Paul McCartney perform.

The FCC (Fascist Communists Commission) does not think that simply having a family friendly artist perform is enough of a guarantee that children will not catch a flash of a nipple, a sight that would normally involve the child lifting up their own shirt in front of a mirror or other reflective object.

Paul McCartney will be required to have a metal codpiece sewn to the inside of his pants. The pants will then be surgically sutured to his thighs, to ensure minimum chance of a body part being exposed. The FCC has reluctantly allowed McCartney to flash the piece sign, but only a maximum of three times. The reasoning for this is that of course the sign could be interpreted as "the finger" by viewers with poor vision.

(Ed. Note: The FCC has ordered The Fake News to change the phrase "viewers with poor vision" from the last paragraph to "viewers whose lack of optimal vision is made up by their other contributions to society" or face a fine of $10,000.)

In a related story, Levitra will be allowed to advertise during the Super Bowl again, since explaining "erectile disfunction" or "6 hour erection" is nowhere near as awkward for a parent as explaining that women have nipples.

When reached for comment, Paul McCartney was upset, since he was hoping to unveil his new silver penis shield.

Second Wave of Horror Hits Southeast Asia as Hollywood Stars Arrive

Written by Jake Novak

Just as it seemed things couldn't get much worse for the hundreds of thousands of tsunami victims, dozens of Hollywood celebrities have arrived in the region to "help" with the relief efforts.

[caption id="attachment_172" align="alignright" width="224" caption="Jerry's let himself go!"][/caption]



"Well you know, I just came down here to see what I could do, maybe get a few cameras on me again," said aging former star Sylvester Stallone.

"To get noticed it was either come here or go on 'The Surreal World.' But being a life-time bed-wetter, that show really wouldn't do much for me!"




Jerry Lewis arrived in Indonesia Thursday, ready with some much-needed wisecracks for the seriously injured and dying.

One Hot White Chick Injured in Tsunami Disasters (200,000 Asians Killed Too)

Written by Jake Novak

World reaction continues to pour in as relief efforts to help supermodel Petra Nemcova are increasing day by day. Meanwhile, officials say the fact that 200,000 non-supermodels were killed in the tsunami disaster is a tragedy too... but shouldn't take anything away from the fact that a super-fine White chick isn't feeling too well right now.




"There is so much we all want to do for Petra right now, because she is so hot and White and not one of the faceless, nameless little people who you usually see in this part of the world," said Betsy Mitchell, fund development co-coordinator for the Red Cross.

"Female Viagra" Convinces Women that Men Will Call Them

Written by Jake Novak After several drug companies failed to produce a pill that can increase female libido, the pharmaceutical industry has changed tactics by introducing a new line of psychoactive drugs that won't boost a woman's sex drive, but will have the same ultimate effect.




"Many women either hold back during intercourse or forego sex completely out of fear their male partner doesn't respect them or doesn't want to pursue a real relationship," said Doctor Martha Voorhees of Novartis . "However, our new drug 'Esteemcylcin' will make any woman feel like they're sleeping with the sensitive new-age guy of their dreams."

Liza Minnelli Tapped to Replace Suha Arafat as Fat, Drunken Palestinian First Lady

Written by Jake Novak

Now that Suha Arafat is out of the picture, Palestinian leaders have quickly moved to replace her as their nation's First Lady by quickly arranging a marriage between Liza Minnelli and new PLO Chairman, Mahmoud Abbas.

[caption id="attachment_176" align="alignright" width="300" caption="My eyes!"][/caption]






"Suha was a light to our people, a representative of the women's cause, but luckily, we have Ms. Minnelli to take her place as an overweight broad who's quick-to-anger," said Palestinian spokesman Saeb Erakat.

Experts on the Arab-Israeli conflict believe Minnelli will fill Arafat's role admirably.

"Well, she's fat and just as unattractive as Suha ever was, and she's got a violent temper, which believe me, you need to succeed in the Arab world these days," said New York Times columnist and Middle East scholar Thomas Friedman. "In fact, if she would just save her most violent fits for Israelis and Americans rather than her husbands and bodyguards, she'd be a major hit!" he added.

Dolly Parton's Planned Breast Reduction Surgery Prompts Red State Crisis

Written by Jake Novak

Country icon Dolly Parton's plans for a breast reduction surgery plunged the nation's Red states into a crisis today as heartbroken Southern Americans struggled with the painful news.

[caption id="attachment_427" align="alignright" width="261" caption="These boobs were made for ogling"][/caption]

"This is way worse than stem cell research," said Ralf Gundy of Lumberton, North Carolina, "I feel like science is really working against man instead of with him now."

Others shared that concern and laid the blame directly on the White House doorstep.

"We were worried something like this might happen if John Kerry were elected, but now its happened anyway," said an angry Mable Robinson of Salem, Alabama, "you can bet I'll be expecting something from President Bush to stop this."

Bush administration officials huddled in the executive mansion late into the night hoping to craft some sort of response while the Pentagon put a squadron of F-16's on alert.

"They'll be ready to strafe any hospital in Tennessee or Arkansas within 3 minutes of the President's order," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld at an impromptu press conference outside the White House.

Meanwhile, administration critics are having a field day.

"This just goes to show how the President has failed even his core supporters at a key moment," said New York Times editorial columnist Paul Krugman.

Jeb Bush Keeps Up Legal Fight to Keep Severely Brain-Damaged Brother in White House

Written by Jake Novak

In a story eerily similar to the Terry Schiavo case, Florida Governor Jeb Bush is vowing to continue his legal fight to keep his brother President for another four years.

[caption id="attachment_133" align="alignright" width="345" caption="Man, the whole family's in on this!"][/caption]

"George W. is severely brain-damaged, we all know that, but our family's hold on the White House is precious and God-given, which we know since it sure wasn't given to us by the voters," said Governor Bush while ignoring thousands of newly-homeless Floridians trying to stave off another hurricane. "We cannot know if my brother will someday come out of this semi-coma and start enacting responsible policy. While we wait, it is not for us to commit electoral euthanasia," he insisted.

Bush Promises “No Negative Advertising Against John Edwards and His Fatass Wife”

Written by Jimmy Wellington

With campaign season heating up, both parties are running advertising in key states that both support their candidacy for the White House, and attack their opponents. However, thus far in our nation, there is a line of decency that neither side have crossed, and President Bush promises that tradition will continue.




“I promise that I will not target John Edward’s fat ass wife in any of our advertisements. I will not call attention to the Democratic strategists’ borrowing of the Lane Bryant ‘Kirstie Alley’ plan, by hiding Elizabeth Edwards behind strategically placed pillows, tables, and tractor trailers.”, the President said Wednesday.

Armed Robbers Steal Priceless Finger Painting "The Doggie" From Unguarded Refrigerator

Written by Jimmy Wellington

(Milford, CT) - Residents of Milford, CT are fearful after a brazen daylight heist of priceless finger paintings from a local kitchen. Eyewitnesses said they saw two armed men running away from the scene shortly after the robbery was reported.




Five year old finger painting prodigy Michael Wallace donated the paintings to his family refrigerator last week, and people have been coming from as far away as three blocks over to admire his precocious talent.

"He's just so talented, that boy is," says 85 year old neighbor Laura Wilkerson. "He comes over once a week and gives me a new painting. I give him a Werther's Original and a quarter. I think it's obvious who's making out in that deal."

Pinocchio Becomes Real Boy, Sues Michael Jackson

Editor's Note: This classic story was originally published in August 2004

Written by Jake Novak

(Rome, Italy) Achieving a life-long dream, the wooden puppet Pinocchio turned into a true flesh and blood boy today and immediately announced his intentions to sue pop star Michael Jackson for molestation.

[caption id="attachment_262" align="alignright" width="218" caption="Tell me lies, puppet!"][/caption]

"Now that I'm a real boy, I can finally get some recourse for the years of abuse I've suffered at the hands of Michael Jackson," said a tearful Pinocchio at a news conference arranged outside his home in a quiet section of Rome. "Maybe my suffering will help stop other boys, both real and puppet, from being hurt by a man who hides behind his fame," he added.

Pinocchio's lawyers offered reporters detailed information about the alleged abuse.

"Mister Jackson lured Pinocchio to the Neverland Ranch with promises of candy and amusement park rides, but things rapidly deteriorated from there. In fact, we have evidence that Mister Jackson intentionally encouraged Pinocchio to lie so his nose would grow longer... something that was used for a myriad of vile sexual reasons," said Raul Felder, a civil lawyer working with the plaintiff.

Court's Annulment of Gay Marriages Frees Wife of Rosie O'Donnell

Written by Jake Novak

(San Francisco, CA) - The California State Supreme Court's decision to annul thousands of gay and lesbian marriages performed this year means Kelli Carpenter finally has a long-awaited ticket to freedom from being married to Rosie O'Donnell.

[caption id="attachment_297" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Help!"][/caption]

"Oh screw the fight for gay rights, if it could get me away from that loud-mouthed fat bitch, I'd vote for Jerry Falwell" said a jubilant Carpenter outside the New York City townhouse she shared with O'Donnell and their four adopted children. "I mean when we first met, I I thought she was kind of cute in a butch sort of way, and she bought me everything I ever wanted, but there's butch and then there's BUTCH. I'm a lesbian, but if I wanted to sleep with a Mack Truck, I would have stuck with my first boyfriend from 8th grade," she added.

Friends of the couple say Carpenter had been trying to get away from O'Donnell for years, but the failed talk show host and movie actress kept dragging her across the world on gay cruises and trips to political rallies.

"The time just never seemed right," said one friend who wanted her name kept secret to avoid being attacked, or eaten, by O'Donnell. "I mean when you're at some rally talking about how lesbians deserve marriage rights, it's pretty hard to just walk out," she added.

American Corporations Lining Up For Prime Advertising Space on Israeli Wall

When the Israelis announced their plans to build a large wall protecting them from the Palestinians, many claimed that it was outrageous. But American corporations saw a golden opportunity.

"Where else can you find a canvass so big on which to paint your tasteful, yet bold marketing strategy?", said a spokesman for the men's magazine Penthouse.

Israeli leaders have been worried about where they would get the money for the monumental project, but apparently the answer lies in good old capitalism.

Interestingly enough, German based corporation Volkswagen has paid the most for advertising space, a fact which angered many Israelis, although they were pacified by finding out that the cost for the wall would not have to come out of their pockets. To the consternation of some older Israelis, according to the agreement, they would have to wear small, golden VW symbols on their clothes.

Israel announced that they would build the wall as a protection against terrorist attacks by Palestian terror groups. Palestians counter that the wall violates their inherent right to drive up to a group of Israeli school children and blow themselves up. The ACLU has been meeting with Palestinian leaders about a possible appeal to the UN.

Masochist Loves New Job as AOL Support Technician

James Johnson, a nineteen year old student at the University of Arizona, was just like any college student, scrambling to find the money to pay for books, babes, and beer. He felt that taking a job doing tech support for America Online would help. Little did he know that the job would bring out the masochist hidden inside him.

[caption id="attachment_489" align="alignright" width="269" caption="Five Days and Counting!"][/caption]

In only his first day on the job, he encountered prime examples of some of the clueless denizens of the internet, AOL customers. However, since he takes pleasure from the pain of repeating himself over and over and over, along with his flair for sarcasm, he decided this might just be the job for him.

What follows are some transcripts of Johnson's calls:

---

Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - Hi, my screen name is ChadNobleRoxors23, and I have a problem.

Johnson - Well, Mister Noble, is that your name?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well, I'd prefer if you call me Bob.

Johnson - Sure...um...Bob. What's the problem?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - My screen seems to have been burned in

Johnson - By burned in, you mean that an image is always on your monitor, no matter what page you go to?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Yes.

Johnson - Well sir, I'd suggest that you call the monitor company, we do not provide support for monitors, only connection to the internet and software in large quantities. Off the record though, [whispers] I think you need to buy a new monitor.

ChadNobleRoxors23 - I can't afford one, and if my mom sees this, I'm dead.

Johnson - What's the picture of?

ChadNobleRoxors23 - Well it's a picture of a guy and a...umm...goat.

Johnson - Thank you for calling AOL and have a nice day....goat fucker!

---

Johnson - Good morning, and thank you for calling America Online technical support. How may I help you today?

Customer - I have an emergency! My child has swallowed an AOL CD!

Johnson - What the...how...is that even possible? How big is your child's mouth? [barely audible] Dude, Fred, listen to this one!

Customer - What do I do!?

Johnson - Ok, go to your library and pick up a book by Charles Darwin called Origin of Species, and read section 4, entitled Survival of the Fittest.

Customer - Does that tell me how to get the CD out?

Johnson - It sure does. Thank you for calling AOL, and have a great day!

Atkins Diet Fanatics Assault Cookie Monster

Written by Jake Novak

(New York) The relative calm of Sesame Street has been shattered as carb-loving Cookie Monster has been attacked three times this month by devoted converts to the Atkins diet.




"Oh, me so scared," wailed the furry blue monster from his apartment above Mr. Hooper's store," but it not so bad; people been sending me maannnny cookies... ha ha ha," Mr. Monster added.

Police say the victim was tricked each time by the Atkins insurgents posing as cookie delivery men.

"We told him to at least look through the peep hole every time someone knocks on his door, but apparently he goes into some kind of mania every time he hears the word 'cookie,' said Lt. Abby Van Buren of the 27th Precinct.

Dick Cheney Throws Away Deferment Letters in Angry Protest

Written by Jake Novak

(Washington, DC) A defiant Vice President Dick Cheney, who avoided military service in Vietnam with five separate student deferments from 1959-1969, threw away his deferment letters today in a pro-Vietnam War protest organized by several Bush Administration officials who never actually fought in the war.




"This is more than just a symbolic gesture," shouted Cheney over a bullhorn on the White House lawn, "this is our way of saying we reject the failed policies of the Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, and Nixon administrations who all saw fit to listen to petty excuses and not send people like us to defend our country 40 years ago. We were able to fight, our country needed us, and just because we weren't willing and had the money to cheat the system was no reason not to make us go!" he added.

Lindsay Lohan's Breasts to Star in Own Sitcom

Lindsay Lohan's breasts announced yesterday that they will set out on their own, and that they already have their own deal to star in their own situation comedy.

[caption id="attachment_430" align="alignright" width="249" caption="We'd normally write a caption here, but we're mesmerized"][/caption]

The Fox Network, known for its high brow programming, issued a press release trumpeting Lohan's Breasts as the "number one attraction to our target demographic".

Lohan filed a lawsuit against her former body parts, stating that: "It's my body, and they can't just like go off on their own. I mean, what would I do without my breasts?"

A judge interviewed about the case doesn't think that Lohan will win the lawsuit. "The moment she decided to have implants, she gave up the right to decide what her breasts will and won't do," stated Lance Nightly. "I've spent hours studying photos of Lohan at awards shows, only pausing to take short five minute bathroom breaks, and I can say that there is irrefutable evidence showing that Lohan has indeed has breast surgery."

Nightly admitted that "perhaps further research is required".

Abu Ghraib Prison Abuse Photos Prove Arabs Have Blurry Genitals

Written by Jimmy Wellington

With the military’s prosecution of the disgraced Army MPs accused of torturing prisoners in Iraq’s Abu Ghraib prison continuing, an attorney for Lynndie England, one of the accused, has released information about their defense strategy. They intend to argue that England was not intending to humiliate naked Iraqi prisoners, by pointing to their private regions in pictures, but instead she was trying to point out that they have, like all Arabs, blurry genitals.

[caption id="attachment_124" align="alignright" width="370" caption="Arab men LOVE a mocking chick in uniform"][/caption]

US Government Officials deny the “blurry genital” theory, saying that it’s “patently absurd”. According to officials, the pictures were professionally altered so soccer moms wouldn’t have to explain to their children that men have penises and women have vaginas.

"The Passion" Blamed For Nationwide Increase in Drive-By Stonings

Martha Washington cradles her son's head in her arms as he draws his last breaths. His body is a bloody, broken mess. The murder weapons lie nearby on the cold pavement.

It is a scene that's all too common in today's inner cities. However, Leon Washington was killed not by bullets or knives, but large stones taken from a nearby construction site. Welcome to the latest craze in the inner cities of America, drive-by stonings.

[caption id="attachment_440" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="I know this guy looks like he's sleeping, but he's really been stoned to death. Really."][/caption]

Stoning used to be a common practice in biblical times, long before bullets became the preferred method of slaying one's enemies. Los Angeles Police chief Richard Linkletter thinks this is due to the negligible costs of stones.

"These hoodlums don't care how they ice that homey down the block that be invading their turf. Someone will be just as dead if they're bludgeoned to shit by big fucking rocks as if they got a couple caps popped in they ass. This way, they got more bank for bitches, foties, and bling bling."

Mel Gibson's movie "The Passion of the Christ" has been receiving the lion's share of the blame for the stoning trend, just a few weeks after the movie was said to be anti-semetic, violent, and "the worst date movie of all time".

The movie has also been the biggest box office juggernaut so far this year, taking in over a quarter of a billion dollars since its release in late February.

Mrs. Washington has a message for the youths of America: "If you're thinking about picking up a stone in anger, please don't. Smoke a blunt, slap a ho, just please no more senseless violence. That person you kill has a mother that loves them. And about 1% of them have a father too, someone that cares for their child, and takes responsibility for impregnating a 16 year old girl and doesn't run off to play their next game in the NBA, and never show their face around here again, isn't that right, Kobe?"

In related news, noticing their proficiency in rock-related violence, Palestinians are recruiting American youths for "Operation Throw A Bunch of Rocks At Jews".

MTV Begins Filming For "The Real World: Abu Gharib"

The MTV network is taking reality television to a whole new level, with their new season of The Real World, now filming in Abu Gharib prison in Iraq. The setting should be familiar to anyone that's watched the news, read the paper, or interacted with humans in the past few weeks.

[caption id="attachment_433" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This house is going to ROCK!"][/caption]

MTV executives felt that the casts of previous seasons of the popular show were spoiled, and had too much "cool stuff". "We decided it was time to go back to basics," said MTV programming executive Randall Plassky.

Cast members on the show will be housed in the same prison made famous by several of our finest men and women. "We wanted them to be in a place with a lot of creativity around them,""said Plassky. "I mean, look at those pictures! Iraqi Rodeo! I wish we had thought of that first!"

Rich Jarvis is one of the new cast members, and has said that it's always been a dream of his to be on the show. "Ever since the first season, I pictured myself in a cool house, with like a jacuzzi and stuff. But dude, this house blows."

Unlike other residents of the prison, The Real World cast members are allowed to room together, and even have some say in what goes into the decoration of their rooms, called "cells".

In another twist, the employees of the prison don't know that the cast members are filming a television show. One of the employees, Jimmy Killington, said that they were so used to people taking pictures and videos that they don't even notice cameras anymore. "We make a lot of movies, so it wasn't really strange. We did wonder why all the sudden there were hot chicks as prisoners."

The employees try to make the time fun for the prisoners by playing games with them. One of the games they play is "Hide the Glowstick". Unfortunately, this game loses its appeal after the first few times. Apparantly, they always hide the glowstick in the same place.

Rich wasn't very happy with the "glowstick game". "At first I thought we were going to have a rave party," he said. "Boy, was I wrong."

Larry Flynt's Reply to "The Vagina Monologues": "The Dick Diatribes"

Hustler magazine owner and free speech activist Larry Flynt has commissioned a new play, set to debut in late May 2004. "The Dick Diatribes" is intended to be a counterpoint to Eve Ensler's play "The Vagina Monologues", which is a celebration of a woman's body, specifically the main sexual organ, long a topic of embarrasment for most women.

[caption id="attachment_437" align="alignright" width="300" caption="So I'm with this hooker, right?"][/caption]



In an interview with The New York Times, Flynt explained his motive behind the play:

"I think that Ensler broad was onto something. I mean, it's such a common thing for men to be ashamed of their bodies. Men are scared to talk about their penises, and it's not like they like to show other people or slap it against their sleeping friends' faces."

Reprinted below is an exerpt from the upcoming play.

What is the strangest thing your penis has ever done?

Businessman

One time I was watching MTV and a Britney Spears video came on. I believe it was Toxic, although I don't really remember the music too much, if you know what i mean. All the sudden my penis became very excited and actually unzipped my pants from the inside. It was like it had a mind of its own. I stood up without even realizing what I was doing, and my penis led me to the television. It slammed itself into the image of Ms. Spears over and over.

If there was one adjective that you had to pick to describe your cock, what would it be?

Record Store Owner

Definitely masochistic. I had just visited the Sports by Brooks site, and just totally abused my penis to the newest picture of Kim. My penis had barely had time to return to its normal, flaccid state when I glanced at another picture on the site, this time Vanessa. Before I knew what was happening, my dick was hard again and it actually jumped into my hand.

Flynt has stated that former comic giant Andrew Dice Clay is among those slated to appear in the opening run.

Peter Jackson to Follow Oscar Win With "Elton John: Return of the Queen"

When "Return of the King" swept the Academy Awards last Sunday, winning all 11 statues it was nominated for, Best Director Peter Jackson has become one of the most sought after directors in Hollywood. Rumors abound that Jackson has signed on to direct the new remake of King Kong. But after spending years filming monsters, wizards, and dwarves, it seems Jackson doesn't have the desire to work with a giant ape, opting for something a little more fabulous.

[caption id="attachment_445" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Elton hopes to win Best Song (and Best Hat)"][/caption]

Like it or not, gay is in. Gay marriages being performed, anti-sodomy laws repealed, even several scenes between Frodo and Sam, the two main protagonist of the "Rings" stories, where they seemed to be...rather...well, basically butt-buddies.

Word has leaked out that Jackson's newest project will be a film version of gay icon Elton John's autobiography, titled "Elton John: Return of the Queen". Metrosexual icon Justin Timberlake is slated to play Elton, and has stated that he has been having sex with Clay Aiken in order to prepare for the role.

Iran reports: Kucinich Has Osama Bin Laden in Basement

Written by Jimmy Wellington

Finally, the answer to the question that all of America is asking: "What in the holy hell is Dennis Kucinich still doing in the race?"

[caption id="attachment_179" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Have you seen my wife?"][/caption]









News reports out of Tehran, Iran indicate the Congressman from Ohio bought the terrorist leader on E-Bay, narrowly outbidding two other users.

To political activist and, for some unknown reason, still Presidential candidate Al Sharpton, the reports answer a lot of questions about Kucinich's remaining presence on the campaign trail.

"During the debates, he's always sitting there with a smug look on his face, even though he never says a damn thing. He would say things like, 'Wait till you see what I got', in a little kid's sing-song voice. Unbelievable."

Gibson "Passion" Shocker: Carbs Killed Christ!

Mel Gibson has been under criticism for some time due to his new film on the last hours of Jesus, called "The Passion of the Christ". Jewish leaders are up in arms, saying that "The Passion" is anti-semetic, in that it shows Jews killing Jesus.

[caption id="attachment_447" align="alignright" width="220" caption="Your salvation: Sponsered by Dr. Atkins"][/caption]



Today, word leaked that the real shocker to the story, has nothing to do with Jews, but rather carbohydrates, which clinical studies have shown to be the source of all that is unhealthy in today's Americans.

According to the film, Christ was devoted not only to being the savior of the human race, but also to Dr. Atkins, the man behind the diet craze "The Atkins Diet", which preaches ingestion of large amounts of protein and small amounts of carbohydrates.

The movie reveals that Christ did not die according to the age-old belief that he was nailed to a large wooden cross, but rather by a ham and cheese sandwich, in much the same way as another larger than life figure, Mama Cass.

Gibson claims that a newly unearthed biblical passage from the gospel of John is the basis behind this revelation.

John 18:30 - "And Judas Iscariot, a trusted disciple of Christ offered up to him a ham and cheese sandwich, with lettuce and mayonnaise. And Jesus saw that it was good. "But Judas, I cannot eat this. There are carbs." And verily Judas waved his hand in front of of Christ's face and said, "these are not the carbs you speak of. This is a fish fillet." And Jesus' eyes were clouded by the hand of Satan working through the traitor Judas. And he ate. And the skies opened and the clouds came forth and later Jesus had a heart attack, slipped on some ice and died.

Actor in Valtrex Ad Criticized for Method Acting Approach

Written by Jimmy Wellington

At first glance, Noel Martin’s acting debut in a Valtrex advertisement does not seem terribly noteworthy. He is only on screen for approximately 5 seconds and has one line. However, the fact that he actually contracted herpes to “get more into the mindset” of his character has created quite a stir.

It is not unusual for actors and actresses to use “method acting” in movies and on the stage. Marlon Brando and James Dean are just a few illustrious names in the “method” role call. However, it is almost unheard of in the field of television commercials.

[caption id="attachment_284" align="alignright" width="300" caption="While Valtrex treats herpes, it doesn't prevent imaginary friends"][/caption]

Martin thinks that there is nothing wrong with his approach to the role.

“I had trouble realizing exactly how my character [Herpes Guy #2] would see the world, considering that he has a venereal disease that Valtrex is able to treat effectively. Would he be ecstatic? Or would he have more of a composed joy, so as not to irritate his friends stricken with syphilis or other sexual diseases the drug cannot help? Not having herpes myself, I could not answer these questions."

EA Sports Attempts To Corner Lucrative "Gaymer" Market

Rick McMahon has a problem, one that many accross America struggle silently with everyday. Rick is gay. He has long since come to terms with his lifestyle, and feels completely comfortable with his sexuality. However, he is an avid gamer and feels that there is no title that appeals to his favorite activities. Until now.

[caption id="attachment_452" align="alignright" width="200" caption="Olympic champion Sarah Hughes"][/caption]

EA Sports, a division of Electronic Arts Games, recently decided that homosexual gamers, or "gaymers" as they are referred to by EA insiders, are an untapped market with unlimited potential.

In the past year, Corporate America has found that the homosexual community had an immense amount of buying power, and have blatantly marketed products and services to gays and lesbians. One industry insider doesn't know why it has taken so long for marketing agencies to realize the power of those who count sodomy as a normal part of their sexual repertoire.

"Obviously the gay and lesbian community has a lot of influence in this country, is there any other reason that Cher and Barbara Streisand are considered important artists?"

EA Sports originally thought that its football game, Madden 2004, would attract gaymers with its musclebound men wearing skin type pants and engaging in homoerotic behavior. Gaymers yawned and went back to mentally interior decorating their friends' and neighbors' living rooms.

Finally, the gaming company decided that they needed to take more drastic action and designed "Boitano 2004", which takes gaymers inside the world of one of their favorite sports, figure skating. As in their other titles, this game adheres to EA's well-known slogan "If it's in the game, it's in the game".

For example, gaymers get to color co-ordinate their own costumes, develop eating disorders, and hire thugs to maim their more talented main competitor.

A gay and lesbian studies professor at the University of Illinois believes that there is not that much difference between gays and gamers.

"For example, gay men do not have sex with women. Most gamers also don't have sex with women, although for vastly different reasons. Gay men would rather have penis, while gamers would rather play Everquest.".

Man Loses 125 Pounds By Divorcing Cheating Whore of a Wife

Everywhere New Haven, CT resident Max Whitcomb goes these days, his friends remark at how much weight he has lost. Everyone wants to know his secret, which he is quick to share. "I divorced that cheating bitch, Brenda".

[caption id="attachment_354" align="alignright" width="257" caption="She was a whore when she was sober, too"][/caption]

Whitcomb's loss of 125 pounds in the 5 seconds it took for him to sign the divorce papers is thought to be a new record. At press time, officials from the Guiness Book of World Records were unable to verify the feat against other weight loss achievements.

"She slept with half of the neighborhood", said Whitcomb. "She even nailed Rob and Jim, the gay couple that live down the street".

In other weight loss news recently, former Playboy model-current punchline Anna Nicole Smith has shed 50 pounds, although she still hasn't shed the "whale that used to be hot" image.

When asked for his comment on the astounding weight loss, diet guru Dr. Atkins's reply was silence followed by some bones shifting.

Trogdor Burninates California Countryside

Don't know who the hell Trogdor is? Click Here

The California countryside has been ablaze for the last 3 days, thanks to Trogdor, the "Burninator". The dragon-man had reportedly been spotted in the area over the past week, but no one had been able to conclusively prove his presence, or even his existence, until yesterday. A San Diego NBC 7/39 news crew captured the elusive beast in all his majesty about to burninate a few grass roof cottages in the Descanso area.

[caption id="attachment_359" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Trogdor, captured in mid-burnination"][/caption]

At least 200,000 acres have been burninated since Saturday night, with over a thousand homes destroyed. Strongbad, the man said to have created Trogdor, had this to say about his protege: "Ha! Trogdor strikes again!"

Descanso resident Jeremy Lovett was one of the few eyewitnesses to witness the animal in all his majesty. "My wife was looking out the window, and she said that there was something in our yard. I asked her what it was, and she said, 'it's a man...no, wait....it's a dragon-man, or maybe it's just a dragon.' Then my son yelled, 'It's Trogdor, the Burninator!' I asked him how he knew the beast's name, and he said he had no idea. Strange."

This isn't the first time that Trogdor has been blamed for illegal burninating. A die-hard Detroit Red Wings fan, he became incensed at the team's early exit from the playoffs last year, and destroyed 4 city blocks.

Lame-duck California Governor Gray Davis had some choice words for the dragon. "Just because you're all majestic and stuff, you can't just go around burninating things. There are rules in this society, sir, and the fact that you're a 2-dimensional cartoon does not excuse you from blame for the death and destruction you caused. Shame on you!" Davis then shook his finger angrily, and threatened to start a Trogdor smear campaign.

The latest plan to combat Trogdor's burninating rampage consists of Governor-elect Schwarzenegger, a helicoptor, a rocket lancher, a beautiful native woman, and a comic sidekick.

Marlins Defeat Yankees, Steinbrenner Buys Marlins

The New York Yankees lost Game Six of the World Series to the Florida Marlins, which gave the Florida team the title of Major League Baseball champions for the year 2003. The owner of the New York Yankees, George Steinbrenner, decided not to wait till the end of the night to make any changes to his team, and announced that he had sold the New York team, and bought the Florida Marlins.

Steinbrenner announced that he had retained the rights to every player on the Yankee team, including Derek Jeter, Bernie Williams, Alfonso Soriano, and the unborn child of a scientific experiment between Roger Clemens and David Wells.

When asked if Steinbrenner had gone too far, Yankees fans responded: "How the fuck did we lose that series, we should have hit the shit out of that 'D-Train' bitch Dontrell Willis....wait, he's on the Yankees now? Holy shit, he's the fucking best pitcher I've ever fucking seen!

The "Yankee Switcheroo" has been seen before when Roger Clemens changed his nickname from "fucking BoSox Stupid Fucking Asshole" to "The Greatest Fucking Pitcher I've Ever Fucking Seen!"

Steinbrenner also bought a few other teams, most notably the Oakland A's, Minnesota Twins, and Boston Red Sox. According to reports, players on those teams were offered twice their salary to not play next year, and all in question eagerly accepted.

Bin Laden Calls For Red Sox Manager's Firing: CIA Says Tape Authentic

The United States government released the newest Osama Bin Laden audiotape today, and it turns out that the international terrorist is quite the baseball fan. Bin Laden had plenty to say about his favorite team, the Boston Red Sox, and makes it quite clear that he is not a fan of manager Grady Little.

An excerpt from the tape has Bin Laden saying, "OK, so you capitalist fuckers want proof that I'm still alive? Wait for Grady Little to die in a horrible car accident two weeks from today, you can just go ahead and attribute that to me right now."

CIA experts have been working around the clock, and are "95% sure" that the newest tape from the Al Quaeda terrorist organization leader is authentic. They say that Bin Laden not only made references to the Red Sox latest World Series close call, but also referred to the San Diego Chargers horrible season, although other sports experts have pointed out that predicting another disappointing series for the Chargers is akin to prognosticating that it will rain a lot in Seattle this year.

Many baseball experts have taken Little to task for his decision to leave a clearly tired Pedro Martinez in there against a veteran Yankees team. The Red Sox blew a 4-0 lead as well as a 5-2 lead with only 5 outs separating them from their first World Series appearance since 1986.

Bin Laden stated in the tape that he was all but retired from the internation terror business until Aaron Boone took the first pitch from Tim Wakefield far over the left field wall, to propel the Yankees into yet another World Series appearance for Major League Baseball's most storied franchise.

One of the only positives for Red Sox fans is that it seems that the apocalypse will be postponed until at least next October.

Nokia Announces "Drunk-Free" Cell Phone

The telecommunications company Nokia announced a product yesterday that will come as great news to anybody that has ever received an early morning call from a friend who is under the influence of alcohol.

[caption id="attachment_362" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Here, honey. Blow into this"][/caption]

The "Drunk-Phone" comes with a breathalyzer attached, which determines if the person wishing to operate the phone is sober enough to do so responsibly. If a high enough blood-alcohol level is measured, the phone is rendered useless.

A marketing survey shows that the vast majority of cell phone customers think that the new feature is a great idea for other people's phones, however they feel that it is unnecessary for themselves.

Jason Plimpton, a college student from San Diego State University, says it's a great idea. "That would certainly cut down on the number of drunk calls I get from my friends. I don't think that it should be mandatory though, I mean, It's not like I drunk call people."

"Jason, are you fucking kidding me?", responded his girlfriend, Kerry Stiles. You don't remember calling me at 2:30 in the morning last night saying that you killed a spider? And what about the time you called [Jason's ex-girlfriend of three years prior] Cynthia, and told her you loved her and wanted to come over and bang her? You were so drunk that you didn't realize I was standing right next to you!"

The "drunk call" feature will not be activated until midnight on weeknights, although it will be activated all weekend, since the vast majority of college students seem to view the time between Friday afternoon and Monday morning as "drunk time".

Hate Email for "Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable"

Click here to read the original article


Look. I don't know who Emily or Brian or Brad are and I'm sure this thing is just for laughs, but the person you put there as "Emily" is me and I don't appreciate you using me for your sick humor. Leave me the fuck alone, ok? Get a life and if you want to make people laugh, don't use other people you don't even know. I'm sure you don't realize it, but stuff like that may hurt other people. I'm also sure you don't care, but if no one has said anything, I figured someone should. Fuck you.

Kori

Our response:

My, My, that's some foul language for a lady. Maybe you should not focus on the internet, but rather a finishing school. I can recommend some, my older sister used to curse profusely and have sex with dogs, but after going to Madame Lenoir's Finishing School for Slutty Chicks, she is the epitome of a lady.

ACLU Praises Sniper For Equal Opportunity Killings

The American Civil Liberties Union, the militant branch of the ultra left wing, announced yesterday that the "Beltway Sniper" is the 2002 recipient of their Equal Opportunity Killer Of The Year Award, receiving more than four times as many votes as the second place finisher, the unfortunately named "Crack Whore Killer".

ACLU head Wanda Kopkin explained the organization's controversial decision: "We understand that some people think that we are bringing undue attention to this crazy killer. Here at the ACLU, we believe that he should be commended for his commitment to racial and sexual equality among his victims."

The Rev. Jesse Jackson also lauded the killer: "This man or woman has no set profile for his victims, utilizes no quota, just plain, straightforward, random killing."

"The ACLU should be ashamed of themselves," said an unnamed CNN programming executive. "They are glorifying this crazy killer - praising the sniper for not targeting a specific type of victim? That's just sensationalist reporting taken to the extreme."

Unfortunately the executive could not provide further comment, as he was trying frantically to finalize a graphic for their new "Could YOU Be The Next Sniper Victim?" story.

Many Americans think that the media has made the sniper into more of a celebrity than he deserves.

"I mean, he's only striking from around a hundred yards away, that's not the mark of a true sniper," said former Marine sniper Bill Merrin. "If I was going around killing random people, I would definitely be way more accurate than this clown."

Merrin added, "Plus, tarot cards? That's so gay."

Boy Scouts Set To Execute Retarded Scout

Written by Randall Kensington

Port Orchard, Wash. - Eagle Scout Josh Jameson has earned 37 merit badges, worked more than 1,000 hours of community service and helps lead a Boy Scout troop in his hometown.

[caption id="attachment_375" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The scout leaders plan to follow the execution with a campfire"][/caption]



But the 19-year-old has another distinction - one that warrants his death: He's retarded.

Last week, Jameson was given seven days by the Boy Scout's regional executive to get un-retarded to comply with Boy Scout policy, or be tortured and executed on public television. The official and Jameson were to talk again this week about the scout's decision, although a definitive date has not been set.

"We've asked him time and time again -- quit being so friggin'... retarded! Do whatever you need to do to get that IQ above 80 or you're dead," said Brad Farmer, the Scout executive of the Chief Seattle Council of the Boy Scouts. "If he decides to stay retarded then he does not meet the standards of membership and therefore we can kill him. It's all in the contract."

As a private orginzation, the Boy Scouts are permitted to exclude certain people from membership. The organization reserves its right to execute Negroes, Spics, Ugly People, Chicks, Fat Kids, Fags, Camel Jockeys and Retards.

Jameson, brother of world-renowned adult film star Jenna Jameson, said "Duh... um like... hehe," when asked about his plans. He then had a spasm in his arm and drooled a little.

The issue arose about three weeks ago when Jameson got into an argument with a Scout Leader about who got the last popsicle at a picnic. Raised voices turned to shouting, shouting turned to yelling, and yelling turned to screaming. "I finally said 'Oh shut up, you retard!'," says the Scout Leader, who wished to remain anonymous, "and he didn't say 'No I'm not', so we took that as admission to being retarded. First chicks want to vote and now this. What is the world coming to?" Farmer's office soon contacted Jameson to discuss the issue.

The issue has surfaced before. In 1998, 16-year-old William Robbins, who was discovered to be black after 6 years in the organization, was tied to the back of a pickup truck and dragged 500 miles on the way to a group camping trip by his Troup Leader. The Supreme Court approved of the action due to the Boy Scouts' status as a private organization.

Photoshop Almost Makes Ugly Chick Bangable

When Emily joined "Bangme.net", an internet picture rating site that was referred to her by her friend Kathleen, she was still under the assumption (instilled since birth on her psyche by her mother) that she was the best looking girl in the world. When she logged on to the site a few days later to check her rating, all her illusions were shattered, to the point where she wanted to slash her wrists with the jagged pieces of her broken heart.

[caption id="attachment_365" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Emily almost pulled off the coup of the online dating world"][/caption]

Bangme.net is a site, similar to several other online projects, where people can post their picture and rate images that others have posted. A large amount of people visit the site to feel better about themselves, because, lets face it - some people are pretty fucking ugly.

Having never had sex, Emily says that she has plans to one day, and that bangme.net "seemed to be a very good way to meet wholesome people" who would see her for her inner beauty, which is enormous (interestingly enough, so is her frame).

Emily decided that her life could not be considered complete until she had achieved a rating of at least 50%, which in her mind would make her "bangable".

At this point of the story is where Adobe Photoshop entered into the visual equation. Emily asked friend Brian K. White, a graphic designer who runs the internet website Glossy News, to touch up her picture to make her more attractive.

White talks about the process: "At first I thought she was kidding. When I realized that she was serious, I told her that there was only so much I can do, I mean you can't turn a Yugo into a Ferrari. When she burst into tears and grabbed the butcher knife in the kitchen, I told her I was only...um...kidding. Yep, what a big kidder I am! Ha ha! Say, can you put down the knife, sweetie?"

[caption id="attachment_366" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Emily's knight in ugly armor"][/caption]

White realized that this wasn't just a minor touch-up, this transformation would be akin to making Keith Richards look alive. He broke out his copy of Photoshop and opened the picture that Emily provided. After 7 and a half hours, he hadn't gotten anywhere, and he was about to suggest a blind dating service, when he stumbled onto the solution. "I realized that if I fucked up the picture to the point where you couldn't even tell if the subject was human, there was a remote chance that somebody might want to have sex with her.

Using the message board aspect of the site, Emily found her current fiance Brad, who also used Photoshop to enhance his picture to "look sexy for all the hot ladies out there". When Emily met Brad, she discovered that he was just as ugly as she was, although one minute and thirty seconds later, she was no longer a virgin. Brian White is happy for his friend, and with the role that his computer skills played in helping her find true love.

"It's great that she found love, I'm so happy for her. But I've already told her that she better use birth control, I mean they're great people, but their bringing a child into the world would most likely bring upon the apocalypse."

STD "Glitter" Reaching Epidemic Levels

Written by Brian K. White

At any given time the US Center for Disease Control is tracking the spread of as many as 85 sexually transmitted diseases ranging from monkey clap, genital ticks, corroso-gyne, to nasal gonnorhitis. This summer, however, glitter is fast becoming the epidemic in New England.

Most often contracted from young girls attending parties, glister is a shiny speckled disease comprised primarily of plastic and happiness. Glitter affects the appearance of skin on those infected and can also be carried on clothing or in small plastic vials available at any dollar store. Typically this glitter rubs off from the infected person to her partner during any sexual contact, even necking.

Robert Stewart, a high school senior, contracted glitter from a "slutty little sophomore" at his sister's birthday sleepover. "It was awful. We were just making out and talking and I was even wearing a condom already just in case and I wake up the next morning and I'm like 'Oh no, what did I do?'" Robert had glitter on his face and hands despite repeated washings before going to his nearby clinic for treatment.

Dr Shaw at the Bellport Kiddy Pregnancy Clinic tells us, "We're seeing a lot of it this year. Thought it would be another summer for weeping cuticle sores, but no such luck. Kids come in here all sparkly and we don't even have to get the story, though we always do. Some of them are pretty messed up. I don't know, maybe it's my thing. So we just prescribe them lava soap, a loofa sponge, and send them on their way."

Infected persons usually revocer completely within 3-5 days of treatment, but if they don't wash out their clothes and bedding properly, it can come back faster than mexi-crabs at Cinqo de Mayo, and I think our readers pretty much all know about that first hand.

Despite it's epidemic growth and ease of spread, police are not concerned. Chief Kenny Ness spoke candidly with us, "Hey come on, boys want to gamble their chowder spouter's, that's their own deal. But in statutory rape cases glitter is more accurate than DNA in tracking who's been tapping who's little girls, you know? Parents in this community are glad their little cocksucker's got glitter."

Amanda Clark is a freshman at Mt. Holyoke College, and insists she's not a little cocksucker, though quite talented. "I'm glad it was glitter because as soon as [my boyfriend] came over I knew he'd been slumming his package around. Even though it was still in his hair and on his nose he tried to deny it. Said he must have caught it from a toilet seat or something."

We learn that Amanda's situation is not so uncommon. CDC officials are praising glitter for it's high visibility with their slogan "If can see, let him keep it," citing their difficulty in containing more illusive hump-nasties such as genital leprosy and the itchy sphincter syndrome. Both of those can be passed from partner to partner before the infected person will exhibit telltale signs such as absence of genitalia or a scratching at one's one sphincter.

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Ex-Lax Spokesman Typecast As "Constipation Guy"

Liam Jefferson is a typical struggling actor, working as a waiter in Los Angeles until his big break arrives. Two months earlier, what looked to be a golden opportunity has turned into an actor's worst nightmare. Jefferson has been typecast - as the "Constipation Guy".

Liam had caught the eye of a casting agent who needed a fresh face to pitch Ex-Lax, the anti-constipation drug. Handsome and young, Jefferson was just the actor to "push our monopoly of anal relaxation products," stated agent Kevin Lockery.

At one point in the series of ads, Jefferson is depicted standing in front of a waterfall with his "wife". In the background is a waterfall. When Jefferson's "wife" tells the viewers at home about Liam's "stomach problems", digital trickery is used to make the waterfall appear to stop.

Several weeks after the ad aired for the first time, a young child stopped Liam on the street and asked him if he "had a waterfall in his ass".

That was only the beginning of the trouble for Liam, who cannot get an acting job outside of the niche of "personal hygiene product" advertisements.

Jefferson laments, "Just like Merideth Baxter Birney has been typecast as the "Lifetime movie chick", and Traci Lords has been typecast as the "chick that can take 4 dudes at once", so am I burdened with forever being the "constipation guy".