Democrats Spread Rumor That Government Shutdown Would Shut Down Fox News

With midnight rapidly approaching and no deal in place to keep the government running, House Democrats are resorting to desperate measures to avoid a government shutdown. Representative Anthony Weiner (D-NY) is reportedly spreading rumors that the impending shutdown will cut funding to Fox News.

[caption id="attachment_812" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The ballsiest Weiner in Washington"][/caption]

“Hey, we tried to play fair,” said Weiner. “But the Republicans just won’t budge."

Democratic strategy is to convince Tea Party members, who are pushing House Republicans to cut programs such as Planned Parenthood and NPR, that they will not be able to watch Sean Hannity or Fox and Friends tell them what happened in the news and what to believe.

“Without Fox News programming, how will I know how Obama is ruining the country?” said Fox News viewer Jerry Giles. “The lamestream media is too scared to have Sarah Palin on to talk about important things, like Obama’s birth certificate or how Obama is working with the Illuminati to bring about the end of the world as prophesied by the Mayans and helped along by the Freemasons.”

There is still no word of a potential secret meeting between Weiner and House Majority Leader John Boehner (R-Ohio) on what is being called the "Weiner - Boehner Compromise."

Nation Refuses to Believe Warning of Impending Asteroid Impact Not “Best April Fool's Joke Ever”

As Friday, April 1^st progresses, an increasingly agitated and alarmed Obama administration is frantically trying to convince the public that an asteroid is heading towards Earth, and people need to act quickly to avoid the annihilation of the human race.

[caption id="attachment_805" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's gonna leave a mark"][/caption]

The asteroid was first discovered at 2:00 this morning, when an observer at the Palomar Observatory saw an anomaly in the sky. Upon closer inspection, he discovered that the anomaly was a large asteroid traveling towards the planet's surface.

“I couldn't believe my eyes,” said Jim Ross, the observatory employee. “It's the type of event you prepare your whole life for, but hope never actually happens."

Ross's excitement turned to panic when he glanced at the calendar.

“You've got to be kidding me,” he remembers saying as he noticed that today was April Fool's Day, the one day set aside for trying to trick one's friends and family into believing lies.

Ross rang up his boss, who then informed his boss, who then informed the Obama administration that a potential asteroid impact was likely. Each had to spend at least 5-10 minutes convincing the person they were calling that they were not joking.

Source Reveals that Melissa Leo Responsible for Only “5-10% of Overacting” on “The Fighter”

Hollywood insiders are buzzing with the news that Oscar winner Melissa Leo did not do all of her overacting on “The Fighter.” Stunt double Lea Ford has claimed that she did “nearly all” of the histrionics for the role.

[caption id="attachment_802" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Hey look! I won this award that EVERYONE knew I was going to win! I'll act all shocked and surprised!"][/caption]

“I didn’t want to step on any toes, and Melissa surely showed everyone how over the top she can be with her ‘who me?’ bullshit while accepting her Academy Award,” said Ford, “but I would like some credit.”

In “The Fighter,” Leo plays Alice Ward, the brash mother of two fighters played by Mark Wahlberg and Christian Bale. Bale won the Oscar for Best Performance at an Awards Show by Facial Hair (by Volume).”

Director David O. Russell tried to stay out of the erupting controversy, but was forced into action when rumors threatened to overshadow his film’s achievement.

“I went back and watched the unedited footage,” Russell said. “Ford did do about 20% of the overacting, but that is to be expected on a movie like this. I gotta hand it to Christian [Bale] though. He did all his own overacting. It was something to see.”

 

Matt Cooke Inspiring Asshole Kids

Even before the NHL handed him a long suspension—the rest of the regular season and first round of the playoffs—Matt Cooke has taken great strides this season to increase his appeal to asshole kids throughout the US and Canada.

[caption id="attachment_795" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Matt Cooke in a rare action shot where he is not trying to end a player's career"][/caption]

“I remember when my dad first took me to a Penguins game,” said 13 year old asshole Geoff Lawrence. “He told me how great Sidney Crosby and Alexei Malkin were, but when I saw Matt Cooke sucker punch a player, I knew whose jersey I wanted.”

For his part, Cooke acknowledges that he is just the latest in a long line of asshole NHL players.

“I used to be so jealous of Sean Avery,” Cooke says. “I mean, that guy could be a douchebag both in and out of the arena. It’s tough enough to be an asshole on the ice; it’s another thing to take that talent outside the arena.”

Lawrence beams when he tells about the time he met his idol.

“I waited outside for the team bus,” said Lawrence. “ I yelled his name and was totally surprised when he looked my way. I asked him to throw me a jersey. He did even better. He threw an elbow. I still have the three teeth he knocked out.”

God Blames Tsunami on Pat Robertson, Fred Phelps

As the estimated deaths for the Japanese tsunami continue to climb and fears of nuclear meltdown escalate, many are looking to the sky and asking, “Why God? Why did you do this?” Apparently, God hates Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson.

[caption id="attachment_792" align="alignright" width="215" caption=""I didn't know there were fags in Japan""][/caption]

“I had received intelligence that suggested that Fred Phelps and Pat Robertson were meeting in Japan to discuss combining forces,” said God. “They decided that they could more effectively hate people different from them if they worked together. Frankly, I got sick and tired of always being blamed for everything bad that happens on Earth.”

God said that he got the idea of a “decapitation strike” in the last decade.

“Hey, occasionally man has a really great idea,” God said with a shrug. “Just like the dyslexics say: You can teach an old God new tricks.”

Fred Phelps leads the widely maligned Westboro Baptist Church, which is a church in the same way Old Navy is a nautical store. Whenever tragic deaths occurs, Fred Phelps and his “congregation” show up to protest outside. They carry signs with Christian slogans like “God Hates Fags.”

“Do I hate fags? Not at all, and I wish you would not use that word,” God said. “I’ll tell you who I do hate. Fred Phelps. I have half a mind to picket his funeral.”

Americans Pledge to Care About Japan For Two to Three Days

As Joel Chillner watched a Youtube video of an enormous wave of water inundating Japanese farmland, he vowed that he would do something to help. A minute later, he sat back in his chair, looking in satisfaction at his new Facebook status, in which he said the tsunami “totally sucks” and he “really really REALLY hopes those people are ok, or at least know how to surf.”

[caption id="attachment_787" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Is Petra Nemcova OK?"][/caption]

Chillner is like many Americans who see disasters unfolding around the world and feel helpless. What can he do from so far away?

Fortunately, the internet has made it much easier for people like Chillner to do something to help people in need, or at least feel like they have done something to help people in need.

Shortly after the first waves hit Japan, celebrities were encouraging their Twitter followers to donate $10 via text. Depending on how extensive the damage turns out to be, the people of Japan may even rate a celebrity telethon.

Joseph Blocko, accountant, says, “I gave several days of my undivided attention to those poor people suffering because of the Gulf oil spill. I’m glad it all turned out all right.”

Increasingly Annoyed Christ Delays Rapture Yet Again

One cannot blame the Son of God for his angry outburst yesterday when he learned that another group of Christians are claiming to know when the Rapture will occur.

[caption id="attachment_782" align="alignright" width="233" caption="I wrote it down for you. It's right there! "][/caption]

“What part of neither the day, nor the hour of my second coming is so hard to get?” said Jesus Christ, as he ripped up another calendar. “It’s right there. If you miss it in Matthew, keep reading, cause it’s in Mark too! I mean Me-dammit!”

According to the Bible, humans are not able to predict the day or time of the Rapture, an eagerly awaited event by evangelical Christians. On this day, believers in Christ will be raptured—taken—from Earth to begin their eternal life with their Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This event has been eagerly awaited since Christ was crucified over two thousand years ago. According to the story, he came back to life after three days and ascended into heaven after promising to return.

He must, however, time his return for a date which nobody can guess, according to Matthew 25:13 – “Watch therefore, for ye know neither the day nor the hour wherein the Son of man cometh.”

“First I was going to come back in 1988, but some guy figured it out and started selling books,” said Christ. “He even had 88 reasons. Of course he was right, but once he guessed it, I had to reschedule. It’s like the book Catch-22: Once someone guesses it, it’s no longer right.”

Scientists Discover Gay Gene: Republicans Announce Abortion Exception

Scientists at the Johnson Research Laboratory in Andover, NJ have discovered the gene that determines one’s sexual orientation. Later in the day, Reince Priebus, Republican National Committee chairman, announced that the party’s platform had changed to being pro-choice in certain conditions.

[caption id="attachment_778" align="alignright" width="300" caption="What does this guy know about gay genes?"][/caption]

“You know, sometimes we make mistakes,” Priebus said. “We realized that the pro-choice people had some good points. As much as we would hope that people don’t choose to have an abortion, is it morally right to bring into the world a child who is destined to burn in hell?”

The latest change in policy comes in the midst of a Republican resurgence, in which newly elected lawmakers attempt to change laws to make government smaller. According to RNC spokesman Roger Ailes, “If government is not small, how can we insert it into women’s reproductive organs?”

Science ethicists disagree on the impact of the gay gene discovery. “There is no way to distinguish between ‘camps out for Kathy Griffin tickets’ gay and ‘dykes out for a semester in college’ gay,” says concerned ethicist Mark Devis, author of the popular column “Putting the Gene-y Back in the Bottle.”

This about-face on abortion restrictions is surprising because Republican state legislators have been proposing an increasingly stringent series of bills to limit a woman’s right to have an abortion. One such law slapped doctors with restraining orders that kept them from being within 100 yards of a fetus.

 

Your online protest does nothing

A while back, scores of my Facebook friends changed their profile picture to a cartoon character, saying that this was raising awareness for child violence. This phenomenon was reported on by many in the media as if it were a perfectly reasonable thing to do. It was not.

[caption id="attachment_772" align="alignright" width="300" caption="I could have just "unliked" a page? Now you tell me!"][/caption]

I upset some of my friends by pointing out that changing their profile pictures was an example of "slacktivism," a term which I fervently wish I had coined because it is a perfect way to describe this new trend.

Maybe I'm going to piss people off--maybe I should go back and change the first word of this sentence to "surely"--but this trend of "raising awareness" is becoming increasingly tiresome. For example, I fully support research and treatment for breast cancer. At this point, however, is anyone not aware that breasts are susceptible to cancer?  Haven't we turned over every rock by now and shouted to those slumbering under them, "Excuse me, but I made my Facebook status a sexual joke about where I left my pocketbook that implies that I like to have intercourse in that location."?

Last week, it was brought to my attention that Geoff Fox, the weatherman at the station I grew up watching, was being let go. Yes, you could say that my awareness was raised. What followed, however, shows just how ridiculous people are becoming with these online protests.

One Facebook group that was created to protest the event had many statuses similar to this:

?"Unlike" WTNH beginning at 6:00pm Monday and "re-like", if you so choose on Tuesday beginning at 6:00pm. 24 hour boycott. Will have more impact to do it together over a 24 hour period. This will take a few hours, it will true up at 5:59 on Tuesday. "unlike" is at the bottom, left side of the WTNH page. Thank you.

This does nothing.

Nothing.

Are the executives of companies going to look at their Facebook page and yell, "Holy shit, Bob! Our likes have plummeted! Call the board together, we need an emergency meeting!"

Sarah Palin Vows to Hack and Slash Violent Political Rhetoric

The following is a transcript of Sarah Palin’s video in response to the response to her response to the shooting in Arizona.

Good evening, America. I’m really sad that I have to spend time making another internet video to respond to the lamestream media’s reaction to my last video.

Many have called on me to apologize. I guess today you can’t tell the truth without somebody wanting you to apologize. I’ve been asked to retreat from my statement that the opposition soldiers in our political battle because of a phrase that I used, blood libel.

Some of these cowards have said that this statement is offensive to Jews. This is completely impossible. I am a good Christian, and have completely forgiven my Zionist friends for killing our savior. I ask you to wash your hands of these accusations like Pilate did.

Hamlet Kermit

"Drunk Sarah Palin" Supports Keith Older Man

The Fake News' latest correspondent, Drunk Sarah Palin, recorded a video in support of a media figure under fire. You can read her tweets at @drunksarahpalin.

Evangelical Christian Youths Enjoy Not Masturbating to Christine O'Donnell

Sixteen-year-old Akron teenager Brian Jacobsen used to have a problem. When he would see a scantily-clad attractive and fit woman, he would have a physical reaction below the belt. At first he thought this was perfectly natural, like all his peers told him. His so-called “friends,” however, were leading him down the path to eternal damnation, Jacobsen has since learned.

[caption id="attachment_744" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Christian Youths Love to Not Masturbate to This Picture"][/caption]

“They were telling me it was ok to release this tension myself,” says Jacobsen.” Fortunately, my friend turned me on to Christine’s videos, and I found out that this was completely unnatural and could even threaten my soul.”

The “Christine” to which Jacobsen refers is Christine O’Donnell, tea party darling and newest member of the Republican Party’s “I Won’t Appear on Any Shows Unless Their Name Starts With an ‘H’ and Ends in an ‘annity’” Club.

Old television clips of O’Donnell show her giving opinions that most of the country rejects, but some Evangelical Christians embrace, for example, saying that masturbating is immoral. When asked about old videos that are now being used to show her extreme views, O'Donnell said the videos represent the experimentation typical of young people.

For Jacobsen and members of his church youth group, these messages come at the right time, since their hormones are raging and nearly every type of product is sold by appealing to sexual urges.

"Ground Zero Mosque" Protesters Have Difficulty Locating Protest Site

As more and more Americans hear about the plans to build a mosque on the hallowed, sanctified ground where the World Trade Center towers once stood, many become outraged and want to do something to stop it. Every day since conservative commentators have made this story among the most talked about nationwide, throngs of protesters have descended upon lower Manhattan, many carrying signs, most surprisingly grammatically correct, that question the wisdom of building an Islamic place of worship so close to the site of the worst terrorist attack in American history. The number of protesters who arrive at the site is much smaller than the number who intend on protesting, according to opponents of the building. You see, many of these patriots are traveling to “Ground Zero” and cannot locate the proposed building site.

[caption id="attachment_737" align="alignright" width="300" caption="They're always after me lucky bombs!"][/caption]

“It’s easy to find Ground Zero, but we weren’t sure on what side of Ground Zero this travesty is being planned,” said Russell Garrison, factory worker and Glenn Beck viewer, who journeyed from Ohio to protest the construction. “We heard that they already had a giant Batman-like light that projected a giant star and crescent into the night sky, but we couldn’t see anything like that.”

Many would-be protesters are under the assumption that the building is being built at Ground Zero, probably because pundits have been calling the planned community center the “Ground Zero Mosque.” In the same way that Joe the Plumber wasn’t actually a licensed plumber and was not named Joe, the building is not located at Ground Zero, nor is it technically a mosque. Sure, a mosque is part of the community center, but most people do not say they are going to the bathroom to work out, even though their local gym has several bathrooms included inside the building.

Donovan’s Goal Sparks Dramatic Increase in American Pretending to Care About Soccer

[caption id="attachment_733" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The moment that an entire country pretended to care about later"][/caption]

When Landon Donovan coolly slotted the ball into the back of Algeria’s net, bars and living rooms exploded nationwide, with loyal U.S. Soccer fans elated by their country’s advancement into the second round of the World Cup. The next day, many Americans who had not watched the game, most of whom had not seen a replay, had very strong opinions about the US chances against Ghana. “All I can say is our next opponent is ‘not Ghana beat us,’” said college student Billy Miller, repeating a joke he read on a popular sports blog. He continued, “The US side, as long as they don’t concede early, should be able to get a favorable result. I just hope the official doesn’t fall for Ghana players going down to the pitch, you know, simulation. I hate that.” Miller has no idea what the words “side,” “concede,” “pitch,” “going down,” and “simulation” mean in this context.

President Obama Announces Regime Change For Exxon

Prior to President Obama addressing the nation from the Oval Office at 8PM EDT on Tuesday, White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs announced a bold step in the Gulf oil leak saga: The United States government is seizing all assets owned by the Exxon corporation and investigating all top-level employees.

[caption id="attachment_728" align="alignright" width="300" caption="It's just a matter of time until Exxon strikes again. Can we take that chance?"][/caption]

“Believe me, we are not taking our eye off of BP, but intelligence analysis shows that Exxon poses a clear and present danger to our nation’s waterways,” said Gibbs. “They’ve shown a propensity to leak oil into America’s waters, and we feel it necessary to stop them before they do it again. We don’t want the smoking gun to be an oil plume.”

This bold move comes after pressure from the media and Republican politicians and pundits has been mounting on Obama’s administration to do something to make it look like they are doing something so that the media, politicians, and pundits can criticize whatever it is they are doing and ask why they are not doing something else. For example, Sean Hannity has been critical of Obama’s handling of the oil leak, although it must be said that Sean Hannity has been known to be critical of Obama’s choice of socks for state dinners. The Fox News host has been asking about a reported intelligence memo that BP was planning to spill oil into the Gulf of Mexico, which was ignored by the administration. Hannity claims his source is unimpeachable and is the same source that broke the Michelle Obama “Whitey tape” story during the campaign.

Obama Swims Out to Oil Leak, GOP Criticizes Stroke

As more oil continues to spew into the Gulf of Mexico, pressure has mounted on President Obama to respond more boldly to the disaster. After being criticized for his supposed lack of response to the oil leak, yesterday the President said, “I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar, we talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers, so I know whose ass to kick."  This show of anger would have worked very well last week, when Republicans were complaining about non-emotional response to the leak, but his statement played into this week’s message: “The President is too angry.” The theme started shortly after Obama made this statement.

[caption id="attachment_722" align="alignright" width="289" caption="For some reason, he walked backwards into the water"][/caption]

After hearing the early response to his statement, Obama reportedly lost his cool, saying, “Well, if it’s action they want, it’s action they’ll get!” Shortly after, he stripped down into a bathing suit, which kept the story from being broken for some time, since websites like TMZ were too busy bringing fashion experts in to critique Obama’s bathing suit (which one of them called “Air Force Three,” in an apparent nod to the President’s endowment) to ask any questions about just why he was in a bathing suit.

The President swam from the shore all the way to the site of the oil leak, a distance of approximately 40 miles. Along the way, he changed strokes several times, often relying on the backstroke, which Congressman John Boehner (R-Orange) later criticized as indicating he didn’t take the swim seriously.

The Fake News Makes the Real News

So, I've had a few days off to mess around the apartment. While doing so, I discovered the greatest new site on the internet: http://www.americaspeakingout.com. The Republicans, apparently knowing nothing about the internet, thought it would be a great idea to pretend to listen to the people. Everyone else knew it was a great opportunity to have some fun. So, I created an account and went to work. It was difficult because of the horrible design of the site; it literally takes at least a minute for each page to load, sometimes longer. However, one of my posts ended up making it into the Washington Post story on the trouble with the website. Here's the relevant section:

But Republicans might want to take a hard look at the suggestion that "we need to reframe the discussion" about the BP oil spill to counteract the "environmental whackos" worried about wildlife. Republicans, this person proposed, should argue that "BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good."

In case you're curious, here is my full post:

We need to reframe debates so that we look better. So many people are making a big deal out the oil spill, and these environmental whackos are all aflutter about the birds and fish. We need to reframe the discussion. Two solutions: The oil spill is producing clean energy. The libs are always screaming about how dirty our energy is. BP is trying out a new technique - washing the oil before refining it. How can washing something be bad? Second solution: BP is creating a new race of faster dolphins. These fish are unable to compete against the fish of other countries, but now their increased lubrication will allow them to fly through the water. Faster fish = good.

Jesus Christ Agrees to Delay Second Coming Until After "Lost" Series Finale

A spokesman for Jesus Christ has confirmed an entertainment reporter’s claim that a deal has been reached between humanity’s savior and Lost executive producers Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse to ensure Christ will not return to judge humanity until after Lost’s series finale on May 23.

[caption id="attachment_709" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Oh yeah, he asked for a cameo"][/caption]

Lindelof explains, “We are always writing about the man of science and the man of faith, but we completely forgot about the man of Nazareth. It would really suck if Jesus returned to judge the quick and the dead before our audience could find out what ends up happening with their favorite castaways.”

Jack, from The Lost Podcast with Jay and Jack, is not taking the news well. At the end of each Wednesday’s show, he gives his “crackpot theory of the week,” in which he proposes a strange, somewhat logical theory that almost always never comes true. He was about to predict the second coming on May 22, until he read about the agreement on Lostpedia.”I was so upset. I thought I really had it this time.” Jack ended up going with his theory that the entire run of Lost has just been a ploy to get Jenna Elfman back on network television with the spin-off “The Dharma Initiative and Greg.”

Priest Ostracized for Not Molesting Altar Boys

Written by Thaddeus McClean III and Jimmy Wellington (Originally written in 2002, but republished due to recent events)

After nine weeks of surveillance by a private investigator hired by members of the community, Pastor Johan Fealy of Mulletville, Indiana was found to have not once touched any child, male or female, in an improper or sexual manner. Members of the Mulletville Community Board were shocked and disappointed.

[caption id="attachment_219" align="alignright" width="300" caption="They want to make sure they touch children and their lives"][/caption]




"I thought for sure that we’d catch him doing something," said Chester Peters, a parishioner at St. Sylvester the Banal where Father Fealy is the pastor and only priest in residence. "I saw him touch my son once," said Peters, "he was coaching my son’s soccer team and gave my son a high-five when he scored a goal. But there was something I didn’t trust about that high-five. He’s just got to be up to something."

New Jersey to Outsource High School Teaching to Students

Because of looming budget cuts and potential drastic state-wide teacher layoffs, school districts are looking for ways to continue providing students with an education while watching the bottom line. Some districts are trying to think creatively and ensure their students are not shortchanged by potential staffing changes. If teachers are laid off, class sizes will grow, leading to a more difficult learning environment, especially for less-abled learners. One New Jersey district, however, has come up with an inventive way to overcome these obstacles.

[caption id="attachment_698" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Schools can't even afford real black for the blackboard.""][/caption]

Johnsonian High School sits atop a hill, surrounded by lush meadows. From the outside, it looks like any other high school. Upon entering, it soon becomes clear it is much different than any high school you’ve ever seen. In classroom C-395, the students are working in small groups, engaged in their activity, yet a teacher is nowhere to be found.

The high school is experimenting with a new form of cooperative learning. Generally, cooperative learning means that students work in groups to help each other learn new information, with a teacher’s guidance. Johnsonian Superintendent John Johnie thought that the approach could be streamlined further: “If students are helping each other learn, is the teacher really involved? Can’t we find some more cost-effective way of allowing students to help each other learn? I wrestled with those questions for several minutes, and then found a better way.”

Johnie’s idea was to go even further than any educational researcher had dared and eliminate the teacher from the classroom altogether. Instead of paying a teacher a yearly salary, students are paid based on how well they do on their tests. A student, who asked to remain anonymous, said, “The administrators providing the tests have no clue about literature, math, science, whatever. They just give us tests they found on the internet. It takes us about three minutes to find the test using our iPhones, and then someone outside the camera’s view shouts out the answers to the rest of the class. I want to be a student forever.”

IOC Cracking Down On High-Fives by Medal Winners

After condemning celebrations by American snowboarders and Canadian hockey players, the International Olympic Committee is taking a hard look at excessive celebrating by medal winners. Saying such excessive celebrations lack the decorum and propriety which should accompany the fruition of four years of grueling training and countless competitions, the group is working on a list of acceptable celebrations for future winners.

[caption id="attachment_694" align="alignright" width="225" caption="Test: Is this an acceptable celebration?"][/caption]

The Fake News has obtained a draft of permissible celebrations, which also includes specifically banned practices.

From: IOC

To: Olympic Athletes

Subject: Specifically banned celebratory practices and permissible substitutes

As of today, Olympic athletes may not:

1. High-five – Aside from the obvious illicit drug reference in this act’s name, slapping each other’s hands is a violent way to celebrate victory that can also lead to injury. If you look at it from the side, it can also make it look like you’re both saluting Hitler.

Bill Clinton Rushed to Hospital After Misreading “Candy Striper” Article

On Thursday, Bill Clinton was reportedly rushed to a New York hospital due to chest pains. Hospital spokespeople say the 42^nd President of the United States is recovering well and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has arrived and is by his side. The Fake News has obtained an exclusive, off-the-record interview that indicates a different series of events than what major media outlets are reporting.

[caption id="attachment_687" align="alignright" width="219" caption="President Clinton will be able to resume his normal level of hitting on chicks in under a week"][/caption]

According to our source, the former President was having a leisurely breakfast when he suddenly dropped the newspaper, grabbed his chest, and said, “Oh my God.” When aides asked him what was wrong, he said, “I need to get to New York Presbyterian Hospital right away.” Our source stayed behind to search for evidence of possible poisoning and glanced at the newspaper Clinton had dropped.

“I didn’t think of it until later,” our source said. “But, at the top of the paper was a large headline that read ‘New York Presbyterian Candy Striper Program Rated Best in Country.’ I remembered Mr. Clinton’s reading disability that causes him to involuntarily add an extra ‘p’ to words, and figured out what happened.”

While “letteraderitis” is a rare learning disability, it seems to effect U.S. Presidents at an alarming rate. George W. Bush is perhaps best known for adding the letters “W,” “M,” and “D” to Iraq.

This isn’t the first time that Clinton’s reading problem has caused some confusion. “While he was President,” our source says, “he kept sending out memos about wanting to attend the Supper Bowl. We thought he was just poking fun at Ronald Reagan’s declining mental state during his second term.”

English Graduate Student Takes Ten Minutes to Place McDonald’s Order

Passersby wondered why there was a thirty car backup at the Byram, NJ McDonalds yesterday. Some speculated that perhaps the fast food chain had run out of sesame seed buns. The truth was much more mundane, but no less annoying.

[caption id="attachment_683" align="alignright" width="280" caption="Take forever!"][/caption]

Justin Digger is a graduate student at a nearby private college, and was so used to filling his speech with empty multisyllabic words and vague pontifications that he is no longer able to adapt his speech patterns when faced with mundane tasks.

According to an eyewitness, this was some of Digger’s order:

Digger: “Oh my goodness, this Big Mac culinary delicacy is an accidentally erotic gustatory sensation that explodes with an arsenal of tiny sesame bullets, sending a direct tactical strike to my neurological pleasure epicenter! Your fantastic gastronomic selection fills the belly of my soul!”

Employee: “So do you want the Big Mac or not?”

Digger: “Wow, I cannot cogitate that my personal economic situation is capable of producing such stupendous flavor options, like this exquisite restaurant flooding its torpedo tubes of delicacy to facilitate an annihilation of my pleasure center.”

Employee: “I’m not an English major, but I’m pretty sure George Orwell is clawing his way out of his grave to cock-punch you.”

A Bit of a Slowdown...

Hi everyone!

You've probably noticed that I've been updating far less frequently. The real world has interfered with my fun and I'm busy most of the time doing other things. I will attempt to post a new story weekly, although that might get pushed back to by-weekly for a while. While there is a dearth of new stories, please take a look at the archive, there are a lot of great stories there.

Senator Signs Endorsement Deal with GM

Newly-elected Senator Scott Brown has become famous for coming out of nowhere to win the Massachussetts Senate seat held for decades by the late Ted Kennedy. In addition to winning a seat long held by his opponent's party, Brown became the poster child for the Republican plan for the 2010 elections. While many feel that his victory is priceless, General Motors decided that the Brown name did have a dollar value and announced him as the first in what they hope will be a stable of professional lawmakers to publicly represent the GM brand.

[caption id="attachment_676" align="alignright" width="250" caption="See, GM is helping already!"][/caption]

GM spokesman Robert Jackson said, "We are very excited to welcome such a hot, new name into the General Motors family. As Tiger Woods showed the industry, you can't be too careful whom you choose as spokespeople. The General Motors brand is a lion of America, just like the state of Massachusetts."

When asked if they were concerned about "skeletons in the closet," Jackson answered, "No, not at all. We hired the same vetting team John McCain used to investigate Sarah Palin. They assured us everything is fine."

The deal was made possible because of the recent 5-4 Supreme Court ruling that ruled that corporations can spend as much as they want on political advertisements. While they cannot contribute directly to individual campaigns, they can do things like run advertisements either for the candidate they support or against the candidate they oppose.

While concrete terms of the deal have not been released, it appears that Brown will wear a small, tasteful, GM lapel pin, although the company source stressed that the pin would not be worn above the flag pin.

Woman Denied Health Coverage After Chance Encounter with Jack Bauer

Martha Jackson is a healthy, young woman who exercises daily, doesn't smoke, and is free from any chronic diseases. Therefore, she was very surprised to discover that her application for health insurance had been denied. Thinking there must have been a mix-up, she contacted United Healthcare's customer service line to find out why her application was declined.

[caption id="attachment_670" align="alignright" width="300"] You guys are SO dead.[/caption]

"They said something about a Jack Bauer or something," says Jackson. "I work at a non-descript office building as a receptionist. I don't know any Jack Bauer…oh wait...I remember seeing a man with jeans run after another man, while yelling into a cell phone, 'This is Jack Bauer, dammit! Put me through to the President!' I think he said something about running out of time. That's the only time I've ever been close to the man, so I don't know what's going on here."

Jackson is just the latest person to be denied health coverage due to contact with Jack Bauer, which is classified by insurance companies as a "pre-existing condition." Insurance companies cite actuarial tables showing an alarming increase in the mortality rate of people who come into contact with the CTU agent.

As Member of the Press, Palin Barred From Own Speaking Engagement

Editor's Note: I decided that nothing I could make up would be funnier than the truth.

When news broke that former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was signing up to be a contributor on Fox News, nobody was surprised. Over the summer, when Palin abruptly quit her position as Alaska's top executive, the consensus was that she would end up joining the cable network's stable of talking heads. The only question people had was how long it would be before she decided to pass the ball to another person and advance her career in a different direction.

[caption id="attachment_665" align="alignright" width="202" caption="But she's so pretty!"][/caption]

However, Palin's decision to join Fox News has raised an interesting dilemma. After the media ridiculed Palin during the last Presidential election, she decided to take steps to prevent a reoccurrence. Most people, when faced with such a task, would take time to disappear from the spotlight, while working hard to cultivate a base of knowledge that would allow them to answer difficult questions, such as those covering world geography, political history, or reading habits.

Ever the maverick, Palin decided to take a different path down the old free-throw line: She decided to simply bar the press from her speeches. Sure, it might look like the decision was to keep the press from reporting on her continued lack of understanding of basic policy issues, but at least they could still view the guest writers' pieces on her Facebook page.

Therefore, as a newly minted member of the press, Sarah Palin has barred herself from her own speaking engagements, forcing herself to choose between her stated position and a reported $75,000 speaking fee. Based on past decisions, it seems like she will just choose both and get upset when someone points out her hypocrisy.

GMAC CEO Hesitant to Ask Treasury for Pony

With public opinion strongly against government handouts for corporations, GMAC CEO Michael Carpenter finds himself in the precarious position of rebuilding a company while remaining conscious of the public's view of his actions. When word leaked that some of the companies that were taking bailout money from the government were distributing lavish bonuses, confidence plummeted while stock in pitchforks soared. Therefore, when a GMAC senior executive asked for a pony for his daughter, Carpenter was placed in a tough position.

[caption id="attachment_661" align="alignright" width="300" caption="See, look how much smaller that is than a pony"][/caption]

"We just received 3.79 Billion dollars from the government, or as it's being described, from the taxpayers, even though the checks say United States Treasury, Carpenter said."That is different, that is something we needed.  A pony is going to be looked at as an extravagance. We can't afford the public backlash if this story gets out."

Part of the problem with the pony requisition is that, unlike the billions of dollars from the government, you can't pay back a pony. "Even though it's only $1000, everyone can imagine a pony. People can't really imagine 3 Billion dollars, so it's much easier to make it sound like no big deal."

Passenger Sneaks Effective and Efficient Security System Through Airport Security

As fears over airport security are exacerbated by recent attempted attacks, security officials attempt to make the public feel that a trip to the airport is a reasonably safe venture. Because of this, the news of yet another security breach will surely raise cause Transportation Security Administration officials to increase their antacid intake.

[caption id="attachment_654" align="alignright" width="292" caption="She ain't packing bombs, but she's packing something dangerous, you know what I mean?"][/caption]

Yesterday, word began to leak of a security breach in which an unknown man concealed a working airport screening system in a false bottom of one of his suitcases. While such an incident seems difficult to believe because of the system's immense bulk, TSA officials have been quick to point out that A.) it was a very large suitcase and B.) screeners have never seen an effective and efficient security system.

"I found the extra compartment in his suitcase, but I ain't never seen one of them things before," said TSA worker Jim Lacee. "He said it was some kind of particle accelerator called the Large Apron Colander or something like that. He did look like he could be a scientist, so I let him go through. Plus, it was almost break time."

Top Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven in 2009 - Complete List

Editor's Note: I decided to break up the list into one item per day so I could provide more content for each item. Now that the list is complete, here is the complete list on one page for your reading pleasure.

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - Honorable Mentions

Honorable Mentions: Here are a few of the things that nearly made the list.

Twi-hards – Aside from being responsible for the explosion in vampire movies, television shows, children's toys, and breakfast cereals, Twilight has spawned a legion of obsessed women. Being a Lost fan, I know what it's like to be obsessed over something that other people find foolish. However, there is a bit of a disturbing issue with Twilight that I did not see reported in any major media outlet that covered the phenomenon. Taylor Lautner is seventeen years old. Grown men counting down the days until an attractive female celebrity turns eighteen? Pedophiles. Forty-year-old women screaming when Taylor Lautner takes his shirt of in the movie? Completely acceptable.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven - #1. Jersey Shore

1. Jersey Shore – On my list of things that made me want to give up on humanity, this was far and away the greatest. This show represents the second horseman of the apocalypse (Tyra Banks is the first), which you will be able to discern by its artificially orange skin and copious amount of gel in its mane. The hoof-pumping is also a dead giveaway.

Italian groups are outraged over the portrayal of Italian-Americans in the MTV show, but anyone who lives anywhere near the Jersey shore knows that there is no exaggeration here, these people really exist. The only positive part of this show is watching the public ridicule these douchebags. If you could go back in time ten years and describe this show to people, nobody would believe it. "Wait, so people who look like oompa-loompas are going to be on television acting like whores and drunken douchebags? And people are going to watch this?" Our country lost its collective shit over Janet Jackson's nipple. A nipple, which any child can see by going to their bathroom mirror and taking off their shirt. Come on, America. Use your capacity to make entirely too much out of any situation for good, for once. Won't someone think of the children?

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #2. Jon and Kate

2. Jon and Kate – As I mentioned in #4, I hate reality television. Nobody cares about the people involved in the shows; the only concern is ratings. It is not often that child abuse is shown on national television, but TLC decided to bravely forge ahead with a new era of exploitation. For starters, there is a reason that humans very rarely have a large number of children at one time. Before having a large number of children at one time meant getting your own reality show, there was no way to financially support such a suddenly large family unless you were very wealthy. It is irresponsible and completely unfair to the children to choose to have such a large number of children at one time.

According to all sources I could find, the couple used an artificial fertility method because of a fertility problem with one of them. They didn't plan on having six children, but when they found out that's what was going to happen, the reportedly said, "no way!" to reduction. This is hypocrisy at its finest. Going against God, nature, or whatever you want to call it to become pregnant: Completely acceptable. Limiting the number of children: Completely unacceptable. You don't get to have it both ways; you're playing God.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #3. Sarah Palin

3. Sarah Palin – Ah, the only question regarding Mrs. Palin was what spot she would take up on the list. She is truly a remarkable person, as many people whom I consider intelligent have tried to convince me that she really is smart and the media is out to get her. You see the problem that I have with believing that is that I have this thing called a memory, and I can recall prior events and incorporate them into my understanding of current events. Take for instance the infamous Katie Couric interview, which for many was the first major clue that there was something seriously wrong with Palin as a Vice-Presidential candidate. Some gave her the benefit of the doubt in the Charles Gibson interview, in which she could not comment coherently on the Bush Doctrine. I am far from a political expert, but I knew exactly to what Gibson was referring, simply by reading several political articles each day from a variety of viewpoints. Political white knights sprang to her rescue, arguing that there were several Bush Doctrines, and pretending that if they were asked the same question, they would answer with the same level of incompetence.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant

4. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant – Anyone who knows me knows that I hate reality television. The original concept was intriguing, but it quickly became apparent that "reality" television was just improv using untrained actors who moonlight as horrible human beings. Most shows have devolved into a game of constant one-upmanship: How many douchebags can we fit in a house, and how much prodding do they need to act like assholes? I'm not interested in that, as I can just go down to a club at the Jersey Shore if I want to see that.  Oh wait…

In addition to the tried-and-true method of confined douchebag assembly, a newer variation of reality shows have emerged, focused on extreme situations. In the same way that paterntiy suit participants on the Maury Povich Show have increased the reliability of their claims (I think the current standard is "I am 10,000% sure that ain't my baby!"), these shows have become more and more ridiculous. This year's "Ow! My Balls!" award for most ridiculous reality show goes to our number four entry: "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant."

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #5. Teabaggers

5. Teabaggers – Sure, now they want to be called the Tea Partiers or Tea Party Patriots, but in the beginning they were calling themselves Teabaggers. I will continue to honor their original wishes, mainly because their choice of name illustrates their amazing lack of common sense.

Sure, many of these people claim that they were just as upset under Bush, but let's take a look at the abbreviated timeline:

Patriot Act, October 26, 2001. Teabagger response: "Fourth Amendment? What Fourth Amendment?"

Invasion of Iraq, March 20, 2003. Teabagger response: "Go get those WMDs!" later amended to "Saddam is a bad man" later amended to "You'll take our democracy if you know what's good for you!"

Abu Ghraib prisoner abuse photos, torture memos, extreme rendition, warrantless wiretapping, all fine.

Health Care Reform, Teabagger response: "Oh, hell no!"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #6. Glenn Beck

6. Glenn Beck – I'm becoming increasingly convinced that Glenn Beck is Stephen Colbert without the winking nod, an Andy Kaufman for our time. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to pretend that he believes what he says, and is either out to make money off of dupes or is the greatest IRL troll of our generation.

For the time being, I'm going to go along with the notion that he's serious. His inclusion on the list represents not only him, but other talk radio and Fox News personalities, like Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter – The Axis of Idiocy.

A problem arises because it's difficult to put these people into the same category. For example, I think Sean Hannity truly believes what he says. He has had brain surgery to turn off the part of his brain that stops your mouth from moving when you know you're saying something that makes no sense. Ann Coulter, however, says whatever she feels will cause the most controversy and make her the most money. The level of idiocy is comparable, but the intent is different. But, even with all this competition, Glenn Beck has emerged as the group's Cryer-in-Chief.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #7. Balloon Boy

7. Balloon Boy – This story had everything I hate about our society. Parents who give their children ridiculous names (Did you name your kid after a Midwest state? You might as well install a pole in her bedroom so she can get some practice for her future career), the twenty-four hour news cycle that values exclusive "information" over verified facts, and reality television, which will appear in future installments of this list.

Of course, it's not every day that you get to watch a bag of Jiffy Pop soar majestically through the air like some kind of large bird like an eagle or something. It's right on the tip of my tongue. Oh yeah, Falcon. That was my first clue that the kid wasn't really in the balloon. Well, that and the use of my eyes to visually acquire information about the size and shape of the balloon, which then sent the information to my brain to process and send a signal to my mouth to say "WTFuck?! You're seriously trying to tell me there's a kid riding in that? Where? Does he have Saddam's WMDs with him? Is he riding on an invisible unicorn under the balloon?"

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #8 Jennifer Aniston

8. Jennifer Aniston – This one is tough. I want to like Jennifer Aniston. I liked her in Friends. She seems like a likeable person. Yet, there's a problem. She's on at least one magazine cover every time I go to the supermarket. But, it's not just that. It's always a variation of "Jen: True Love, Finally!" and "Jen: Heartbroken After xxxxxx Dumps Her!" This repeats anew every so often, typically when she has a movie coming out. This leads me to believe that I have successfully mapped the Jennifer Aniston dating cycle.

1. Jennifer Aniston meets a guy and he decides to go out on a date with her, which is completely natural, because she is, after all, very attractive and seems to be a nice person.

2. They go out on one date. The guy has a very nice time and plans to see her again.

3. Her publicist calls every magazine and tells them all about the date, providing exclusive information to each magazine.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #9. The Snuggie

9. The Snuggie - On the one hand, I have to hand it to the person who invented the Snuggie. Not since the Pet Rock has someone made so much money selling something so ridiculous.

It Looks Ridiculous – There's a reason that people hadn't made wearable blankets before. It's one of those ideas that sounds great in theory, but looks ridiculous in actuality. "Wouldn't it be great if I could experience the warmth of a blanket, without having to worry about it falling off when I move about?" Yeah, I guess it would. I also wish I could experience that level of warmth throughout daily life, but it would look ludicrous for me to drive around with a blanket on. It looks no less ridiculous walking around your house.

Ten Things That Made Me Want to Stick My Head in an Oven This Year - #10. Annoying Facebook Behavior

At years end, everyone and their brother (and their sister in non-Islamic countries) write some kind of top ten list. To maintain that tradition, I decided to write a year-end top ten list. Rather than counting down my top ten movies or top ten varieties of cheese, here is my list of ten things that really sucked this year.

Facebook has allowed people to reconnect with people with whom they have lost contact over the years. In some cases, it only takes a day or two to remember why we lost contact with them. While Facebook is a social networking tool with great potential, it also has a tremendous capacity to annoy. Here are some Facebook behaviors that your friends find annoying, even if they won't tell you. If you do these things, you're likely not a bad person, but you are unnecessarily annoying people.

It's Facebook, not YourKidBook. We realize that being a parent is something new and exciting for everyone. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being happy and proud of your children, in fact, it's great that you care so much about them. However, remember that you feel that way because they're your children. Do you find yourself thinking, "If only my friends would tell me all about their kids in every Facebook status" or "I wish I got daily pictures of other people's kids?" No. There's a reason you don't think that. Also, you're not the first person to be pregnant. All that stuff you complain about? It's happened to every pregnant person ever.

Senate Democrats Look to Single-Player System For Health Care Reform

After months of rancorous debate, the health care reform process seems destined for failure. Senate Republicans are united in their opposition of any type of reform bill and Senate Democrats regret their decision to reconcile with Senator Joe Lieberman. However, a meeting of top Senate Democrats took place behind closed doors late last night, and, according to an anonymous source, a compromise was reached that may bring affordable health care reform to everyone. Better yet, it's amazingly simple. In short: Single Player Health Care.

[caption id="attachment_590" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Don't worry, in a few seconds all that annoying blood spatter will go away"][/caption]

The Senators have decided to incorporate the fast healing technology seen in the popular video game "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2." In the game, as long as the soldier is able to duck behind cover for several seconds, he completely heals. Our source says, "The Senators were so excited when they saw the footage. It didn't matter if it was a gunshot wound or shrapnel from a grenade, fifteen seconds max and they were good as new."

Others are not convinced. "Granted, Modern Warfare 2 is an amazingly realistic replication of current warfare and weaponry, but I don't think the healing mechanism in the game is accurate," says ER doctor Ben Daxon. "Just because we base our financial system on fantasy doesn't mean that will work with all fields."

The debate over the feasibility of basing public policy on video game performance brings to mind President George W. Bush's decision to appoint Michael Brown as head of the Federal Emergency Management Agency after learning of his proficiency at playing the computer game Sim City.

GOP Interns Host "Bring Your Own Strawman" Party

GOP Interns, tired of not having any plans on Friday nights, decided to take matters into their own hands this past weekend and hosted their own party, which, by all accounts, was "off the hook." Party planners argued vehemently about the topic of alcohol. Some believed strongly that alcohol should be provided, while others warned of the universal dangers of alcohol, such as ending up in airport bathrooms with undercover police officers.

[caption id="attachment_572" align="alignright" width="300" caption="You down with GOP, yeah you know me!"][/caption]

The planners settled on keeping the party dry, but allowing attendees to bring their own strawmen. Out of fashion for some time, strawmen have found a resurgence with the modern Republican party, and are frequently found on most Fox News programs, as well as on talk radio. Strawmen were considered very popular in the American South for some time, although their flammable nature made them a liability at cross-burnings.

Fox News: Glenn Beck's Movie Sells Millions of Tickets

This week, you could go anywhere without seeing advertisements for Glenn Beck's movie "The Christmas Sweater." In fact, if you don't watch Fox News or listen to Beck's radio show, it's likely that you had no idea that the controversial talk show host and frequent saline producer even had a movie coming out. Beck's two hour and fifteen minute motion picture debut played in hundreds of theaters throughout the country on Thursday night, and his fans were pumped!  So pumped, that they bought ninety-four out of a possible one-hundred ninety-three tickets in Rockwall, Texas.  They bought one-hundred seventy tickets in West Jordan, Utah.  They even bought a whopping seventeen tickets in New York City. Or so they liberal media would have you think.

[caption id="attachment_565" align="alignright" width="180" caption="Picture of crowd in line for Beck movie"][/caption]

Fox News is exclusively reporting that these numbers are much lower than actual ticket sales. They point to pictures of enormous crowds of people waiting in line to see the DC showing. Critics say that the pictures are actually pictures from the Million Man March from ten years ago. Fox News refused to comment other than saying, "Some people say pictures don't lie."

Sarah Palin referred reporters to her Facebook page.

[caption id="attachment_566" align="alignright" width="203" caption="Fox News depiction of people in line for Beck movie premiere"][/caption]

Future Bartlett's Quotations - Part I

"A bad friend is someone who says one thing and does your mother"  - Jimmy Wellington

Obama Changes Afghanistan Strategy: Surge Now Consists of One Sleeping Cadet

American President Barack Obama stood before a crowd of West Point cadets last night and delivered a speech, during which he announced his orders to send 30,000 more troops to Afghanistan in the coming year, a number which will include many of his audience. While millions around the country were riveted to their televisions to hear what course the American military strategy would take in its 9^th year in Afghanistan, many cadets were having a hard time staying awake, with one cadet caught on camera in mid-snore. As a result, Obama decided to change his strategy from a surge of thousands to a strategy consistent with an Army slogan. The sleeping cadet will truly become an army of one.

Rush Limbaugh Searching for New Homoerotic Metaphor to Describe Health Care Reform Process

Since the dawn of language, people have used metaphors to describe concepts that are hard to understand. In our modern political climate, those on the right have eschewed the soaring oratory of their predecessors for more vulgar sexual terminology. Take, for instance, the following quotes. (Ed. Note, all four are actual quotes).

[caption id="attachment_551" align="alignright" width="254" caption="Is that just a cigar or are you trying to tell us something?"][/caption]

"People in New York, you're being raped by your government -- raped." – Glenn Beck, November 19^th.

"We are -- excuse this analogy, but I feel like it's true -- we're the young girl saying "No, no, help me," and the government is Roman Polanski." – Glenn Beck, November 16^th.

"Obama ordered his "pay czar" to "rape" bailed out executives." – Rush Limbaugh, October 22.

"Get ready to get gang-raped again, folks." – Rush Limbaugh, June 24^th.

Sarah Palin Hopes to Use Book's Success to Jump-Start 2010 Presidential Bid

Sarah Palin's new memoir "Going Rogue: An American Life" has been flying off the bookshelves and into warehouses where conservative magazines are storing them for use as promotions to sell subscriptions. Hate her, love her, or hate her, she is everywhere. Newsweek even has her on her cover, using a photo Palin posed for by Runner's World magazine, in which the former Alaskan governor showed that the American flag, in addition to being a symbol of freedom that should never be desecrated, also makes a lovely slip cover for a chair.

[caption id="attachment_545" align="alignright" width="300" caption="2010, here I come!"][/caption]

Whenever Palin is brought from the media backburner to the forefront, fact checkers are close behind. Many have charged, and shown compelling evidence, that she has a casual relation with the truth, which provides the best reason yet to take her seriously as an actual politician. Her new book contains explanation of events which run completely counter to the narrative or narratives she gave during the Presidential campaign. For example, during the campaign, Palin touted America's alliance with Eastasia in our war against Eurasia. In the book, Palin writes, "God bless those Eurasians, we've always been at war with Eastasia, yet they keep plugging along!"

After coming so close to becoming America's Vice President, Palin is hinting that she is planning on running for President in 2010, although the next presidential election isn't until 2012.

Palin isn't wavering. "Ya know, people have been telling me all my life that I can't do something. Now they're saying, Sarah, you can't run for President in 2010, it's impossible. I think that if I just keep my nose to that powder keg and wait for God to open that door, I'll be able to bust on through when it does."

The Best of Page 2 - Part Two

Here is the second half of The Best of Page Two

Bitch Cited For Failure To "Get Out The Way" - Local bitch Janet Chiller was issued a ticket by police for failure to obey the rapper Ludacris as he instructer her to “Get Out The Way” in a club on Saturday. According to witnesses, the popular rap artist was attempting to make his way through the club, with Ms. Chiller obstructing his path. Mr. Ludacris asked her politely to “Move Bitch”, a request that she refused to obey. Obviously in the wrong, she was issued a ticket and will have to appear in court next week. Chiller ran afoul of the law a few years back when she refused a request to “Back ‘Dat Ass Up”, which resulted in 14 days of jail time. Ludacris could not be reached for comment, as his entourage said he was “too fucking stoned to speak”.

Woman Denies Possession of Vibrator - Clarice Jenkins, a housewife from Billings, Montana, refuted accusations leveled by her husband that a vibrator found in a drawer belonged to her. Robert Jenkins says that he “came home from work and accidentally bumped into her end table drawer. The resulting buzzing sound caused me to investigate further.” That was when the discovery of the vibrator occurred.

Mrs. Jenkins originally tried to say that the vibrator belonged to their 8 year old daughter, Lorraine. When that excuse was not believed, she then said that it came with the drawer and she had never bothered to throw it away. Finally she admitted that she may have purchased a “pregnancy free penis substitute”, but definitely not a vibrator.

Abortion Enthusiasts Excited for Health Care Reform

Today's political environment is dominated with extreme rhetoric from both sides of the political aisle. Talk of FEMA concentration camps, death panels, and a second hour of Glenn Beck are scaring naïve listeners. But there is one group who is not only not scared by these scare tactics, they are giddy with excitement.

Jenna is a budding abortion enthusiast and college student. "I am just so excited about the government funded abortions they say will be available when health care reform passes," she says. "I'd been waiting for so long to finally experience an abortion, and I'm psyched that it will finally be affordable."

Jenna says her sister, Jamie, has already had four abortions, and says she's not done yet. "I only need one more for my punchcard, then I'll get one free abortion with an equal or lesser priced invasive medical procedure," Jamie says. "With offers like that I'd be a fool not to get pregnant again. The seats in the waiting room are really comfy too."

The Best of Page 2 - Part One

In the early days of The Fake News, the site was updated like a newspaper (remember those?) with multiple longer stories and a few shorter ones.  Some of them were not that great.  Here are the best.

Inner City Youth Shot For His “WWJD?” Bracelet - A 15 year old Bridgeport youth was shot and killed yesterday in an attack that was surprisingly not gang related. The 25 youths interviewed by police as witnesses say that they were just “sitting on their porch, drinking 40s, minding their own business”, when a car drove by and a boy jumped out, firing 2 shots into the 15 year old, whose name is not being released to the public because of his age.

Apparently, the only item taken from the youth was his bracelet, embroidered with the letters “WWJD?”, which stand for “What Would Jesus Do?”. Other valuables, such as the boy’s Michael Jordan sneakers, or his wallet containing $50, were not touched. The youth received the bracelet at a student outreach program sponsored by the local church. The boy’s parents hope that the attacker will read the bracelet, think about what Jesus would do, and turn himself into authorities.

Anal Retentive Man Washes Hair Perpetually - Jim Hedgson, a local guidance counselor has been washing his hair for 3 years consecutively, and has no plans to stop any time soon. “I have this condition where I have to follow any directions that I read. The other day I noticed for the first time that my shampoo had instructions written on the back. They said: ‘Wet Hair. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.’ The directions are pretty obvious,” he told us through his shower curtain yesterday. When we informed him that the repetition of the first three steps are optional, he didn’t believe us. “That’s how people get hurt. Directions are necessary to maintain order.” The school administration has not yet noticed Hedgson’s absence.

Apple Attempts To "Sync" Women With iPad

It can be the most frightnening four words a man can ever hear: "I'm on my period."  This natural occurrence can unfortunately causes billions of women to behave for a few days in a manner which they would not normally behave.  Many companies have tried to take advantage of this recurring occasion to make a buck or two, and Apple is the latest to throw their hat in the ring.

[caption id="attachment_332" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="Irritability? Bloating? There's an app for that."][/caption]

The Apple iPad provides all the protection of a regular Maxi pad, with a few added features to bring the product into the digital age.  The starter kit includes a very small Bluetooth device, which attaches to the iPad, that sends a signal to other iPad wearers.  In studies conducted by the company, women who are both wearing iPads are very likely to have their menstrual cycles occur at the same time through a proprietary process Apple calls "cyc sync."

The company promises future features such as the ability to upload stats to Facebook and automatically friend your "cyc sync" contacts.

According to Apple spokeswoman Lisa March, "studies have shown that women who share their common struggle form a bond that helps each to improve their own condition.  Women can share tips on medicine and other treatment options that make the time more bearable."

When asked why a woman couldn't just randomly "friend" women on Facebook and achieve the same effect, March said she was late for a lunch appointment.

The iPad Heavy model comes equipped with a headphone jack and 4 GB of memory.  Apple says the headphone configuration "is guaranteed to be a sure-fire conversation starter."

For women who are not a fan of Maxi Pads, Apple plans to introduce the sister model, the iPlug, early next year.

How to Avoid the Swine Flu

Rather than making fun of celebrities and politicians today, we decided to provide a special public service.  Since nobody is telling people how to avoid the H1N1 flu, more commonly referred to as "swine" flu, we decided to help you prepare for the impending Aporkalypse.  Since the number of the beast is 666, here are 6 ways to protect yourself and your family.

[caption id="attachment_327" align="alignleft" width="300" caption="This is NOT how to get swine flu"][/caption]

1.  No matter how hot you think that girl or guy at the club is, ask your friends for a second opinion before you take them home.  Your inebriation may cause you to succumb to the number one cause of contracting swine flu: having sex with a pig.

2.  If you sizzle and give off a delectable aroma when in direct sunlight, go see a doctor.

3.  If you need to cough, cough into another person's sleeve.  This "cough into your own sleeve" idea is counterproductive, as you will be in close contact to your sleeve for the rest of the day.

4.  Start and conclude each day with a shower with boiling hot water.  Second degree burns are a small price to pay for sanitation.

5.  Since vaccines are in short supply, every person does not need a vaccine.  Only one person in a couple needs to be vaccinated, the second person can be immunized through sexual contact with the vaccinated person.  Remember, no condom!

6.  Avoid populations that are closely associated with pigs, such as pig farmers, butchers, and police.

UPDATE!

7. Using hand sanitizer is a great idea.  To ensure removal of germs, make sure you have a good coat of sanitizer, then light it on fire.  The fire will roast any remaining germs.

Conservative Protestors Stage Donkey Punching Parties

Not satisfied with their efforts to, as they put it, "teabag the whitehouse," conservatives upset with President Barack Obama's policies have devised a new strategy to garner media attention: donkey punching.

[caption id="attachment_320" align="alignright" width="300" caption="That's the spirit!"][/caption]

On April 15^th, many people held "Tea Parties," where they gathered, waved signs that made anyone associated with the English language cringe, and talked of teabagging.  Some carried signs such as "Teabag the Liberal Dems Before They Teabag You!"  Others planned on dumping large amounts of tea into bodies of water to replicate the Boston Tea Party and provide a little taste of home to any fish that had migrated from English waters and were missing a bit of the ole' Earl Grey.  Unfortunately, park police told the protestors that dumping tea in the water was not allowed.  "Just another example of how the government regulators are keeping us down," said protestor Harry Larrimore.  "Imagine if our founding fathers had to deal with this level of regulation! They would have been stuck signing forms and getting permits instead of protesting."

These teabagging parties received much coverage in the press, although much of it has been focused on the name they chose for their protesting activity. Apparently unbeknownst to the teabaggers, the name they chose to call themselves doubles as a reference to a sex act.  Because of this, much of the media has lampooned their protests, and the teabaggers feel their message is not getting through.

"We decided that we would focus on the antics of the Democrats, how they make us feel, and what we would like to do," said Larrimore.  "We know the symbol of the Democratic Party is a donkey, so we started thinking of donkey piñatas. The Democrats make us so angry that we want to hit them, not literally of course, but figuratively.  We are trying to be more conscious of our image, so we are not using the stick normally used to hit piñatas, but instead are hitting the donkeys with our fist, or donkey punching as we put it.  So far, it's working well, but we have to be careful, because some of our fellow protestors have taken to shooting the donkey."

What if Sarah Palin Gave FDR's Pearl Harbor Speech?

Hi, Mr. Vice President.  Hi, Mr. Speaker.  Hi, Members of the Senate, and of the House of Representatives.  And, Hi, America!

[caption id="attachment_312" align="alignright" width="181" caption="This is Sarah Palin's serious face"][/caption]

Yesterday, December the 7^th, was a pretty crappy day, excuse my language.  For those of you that don't remember, those Japanese people bombed one of our patriotic military bases and attacked a lot of people who are fighting for our freedoms.

Before that, we liked Japan.  They helped us with another vantage point of Russia.

But, get a load of this, America!  After those fighter planes bombed our brave, patriotic men and women protecting our freedoms, a politician from Japan met with our Receptionist of State and gave us a message.  They didn't say anything about the attack!  Can you believe it?

Now, everybody knows that Japan is pretty far from Hawaii.  Imagine how long it would take to drive there!  We know that they must have been cooking this up for quite some time, let me tell you!  While they were doing the planning, they were telling us that they wanted peace.  I don't know about you, but talking about peace while dropping bombs is pretty darn hypocritical.  In Alaska, we would say that the Japanese are talking out both sides of their eyes.

I'm not going to lie to you, we lost a lot of brave Real Americans yesterday.  In addition, we also lost a lot of fine ships.  These ships were in Pearl Harbor and also out in other waters.

They did not just attack us.  They attacked a bunch of other places.

Rupert Murdoch Chooses Karl Rove for "Outrage Czar"

In the new Republican Age of Outrage, it is sometimes difficult for media personalities to keep track of the latest event and its resulting outrage.  Interns at Fox News say they have whiteboards full of constantly changing talking points, which change on a day-by-day basis, sometimes even more frequently.  Starting this Monday, Karl Rove will take over as the "Outrage Czar", a newly created position within Murdoch's companies, which include Fox News, The Weekly Standard, and The Wall Street Journal.

[caption id="attachment_308" align="alignright" width="221" caption="Karl does his imitation of a rooster with a birth defect"][/caption]

Rove will be responsible for coordinating the opposition to the Obama White House, a challenging task.  However, Murdoch thinks that Rove is up to the challenge.  "For a little while, we were trying to keep track of all these different stories and how they interconnected," Murdoch says.  "We had groups of interns working around the clock on our 'consistency squad.'  Then, Karl called me with a brilliant idea.  Forget it!  We only have to be consistent about one thing: blaming Obama.  We fired the 'consistency squad' then ran a story about how Obama was causing job cuts."

Rove explains, "The American people, our viewers especially, have a very short memory, especially for boring things like politics.  They can't and won't follow a long argument about the moral and ethical consequences of enhanced interrogation, but they can follow snappy sound bites like 'torture works and is totally awesome!'  I just took that simplicity and applied it to Obama.  It's a very simple formula: 'Obama did something today, here's how his actions today are destroying America.'"

Some people are concerned America has a finite source of outrage.  Rove disagrees, stating that outrage is a renewable resource and is simply replenished by a night's sleep.  Murdoch agrees.  "Karl's strategy is both simple and brilliant.  Obama does something every day.  With our vast panel of paid experts, we can always find someone to explain how his actions are leading us towards socialism.  One day, an intern accidently wrote 'fascist' instead of 'socialist' on the graphic and we learned another interesting thing.  None of our viewers know the difference."

Obama Awarded Peace Prize for Historic "Beer Summit"

BREAKING:

President Barack Obama has been used to being waken with bad news.  The struggling economy, trouble in the Iraq and Afghanistan, and Glenn Beck's ratings increases are just a few of the early morning news that has sent the President diving back under the covers.  This morning, however, he began the day a vindicated man.  Critics had mercilessly railed against his decision to insert himself into the greatest conflict of our time: the battle between the police and Ivy League intellectuals.  Today, the Nobel Prize committee has rewarded his diplomatic efforts with its annual peace prize.

[caption id="attachment_301" align="alignright" width="300" caption="Karl Rove Follows Beck's Lead"][/caption]

When the President decided to host the "Beer Summit" at the White House, he tried to play it off as nothing, "just a few guys having a beer and talking."  But the responsible media knew the truth.  This was big.  Obama, a diplomatic neophyte seemed to be biting off more than he could chew, or drink.

The historic summit ended with a handshake and a commitment to talk further.  "It is that level of multi-lateral diplomacy that led us to award this prize to President Barack Obama," said Thorbjoern Jagland, chairman of the Nobel Committee.

Debut Single - My Grandma Got Put Down By Obama

For all 3 of you who were waiting for this, here ya go!  The anthem of the teabaggers.

http://jimmywellington.com/obamasong2.mp3

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

Yes, Sarah Palin tried to save us

With a nod, a smile and wink

But thanks toCharlie’s gotcha questions

Her career in politics is on the brink

With help from her friends Rush and Glenn Beck
She’s telling us just how we were deceived
She can see through facts and logic
To tell Real America what to believe

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

This is not the country I know
I thought we all were meant to get our say
Our Founding Fathers must be wond’ring
Since when’s Hawaii a state anyway?

We aired our grievances at town halls
Called our representative a whore
We wouldn’t listen to their answers
We just shouted shouted ’til we passed out on the floor

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

We all should have seen this coming
But Obama’s halo blinded us
We all wanted hope and change
Instead my dear Grandma was turned to dust

It’s not Christmas without Grandma.
In fact we can’t say “Christmas” anymore
Please find a hiding place for Grandpa
Obama’s jackboot thugs are at the door

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

My Grandma got put down by Obama
I can’t believe that we were so naive
You say there’s no such thing as Death Panels.
But as for me and Grandpa, we believe.

But as for Michelle Bachmann, she believes.

But as for Sarah Palin, she believes.

President of MTV "Freezes" While Kanye West Terrorizes VMAs

Seemingly taking a cue from Congressman Joe Wilson, Kanye West violated the sacred decorum usually associated with the Video Music Awards when he took Taylor Swift's microphone while she was giving her acceptance speech last night.  West went on to complain that singer Beyonce deserved the honor, only to be greeted with a chorus of boos from the audience.

[caption id="attachment_273" align="alignright" width="300" caption="This photo is completely real"][/caption]

While this was happening, many were wondering why West was allowed to take to the stage so easily.  Why did the broadcast not cut to commercial?  This morning, the answer to those questions became clear.

VMA host Russell Brand, "I wanted to go to commercial, but a decision that drastic had to be deferred to the President, Van Toffler.  I tried to reach him as soon as we realized what was happening.  We saw Kanye making his way to the stage.  Toffler gave us no response, he just froze."

At the time, Toffler was giving a speech to other MTV executives.  A witness describes the scene in the room as: "Total silence.  Someone came in the room and whispered in his ear that Kanye West had just taken the microphone from Taylor Swift.  He just looked stunned, then he went back to reading from his report.  He told us after that he didn't want people to panic."

Toffler could not be reached for comment.

Brand is upset that more wasn't done to prevent a Kanye attack.  "We received intelligence that Kanye West was planning on attacking the awards with douchebaggery, but nobody paid attention to it.  We even knew to focus on the stage, because Kanye would want to maximize his audience.  This situation could have easily been prevented.  It's not like he hasn't done this before."

Comedian Mike Myers agrees that more should be done to prevent future Kanye West attacks.  "When he said 'George Bush doesn't care about black people' you saw the shock on my face.  I was caught completely off guard.  We should know better now.  We should have learned.  I know I'll never forget."

Concerned Parent Recommends Pulling Children From al-Gebra Classes Due to Fears of Indoctrination

While Barack Obama's speech to America's children has been written about in newspapers and discusses on news commentary shows, a Morristown man has been trying to raise awareness of an issue he feels is even more important.

[caption id="attachment_268" align="alignright" width="300" caption="The Qu'ran is in here, I just know it!"][/caption]

"I'm not one of those crazy folk who thinks that Barack Obama is going to come out and openly attempt to indoctrinate our children with his Muslim socialist fascist views," said Kyle Newton, a parent.  "I think that he, and people like him, are going to be much more subtle."

Newton believes he has figured it out, thanks to a tip from a friend, who was taking a world religion course at a local community college.

"He was telling me all about the different contributions that the arabs have made to our culture," Newton said.  "He's a nice guy, so I figured I'd humor him and pretend to be interested.  I could hardly hide my shock when he told me that the arabs invented algebra.  I thought I had to turn to a reliable source before I believed that nonsense."

After looking on Wikipedia, Newton says he was convinced. 

Obama Describes Kennedy's Commitment to Universal Social Networking

Ted Kennedy was laid to rest today, and President Barack Obama provided a stirring eulogy, which focused on one of the late Senator's dying wishes for America.  Obama spoke at length of Kennedy's desire that everyone, both rich and poor, from both upper and lower classes, of all races, had access to quality social networking sites.

[caption id="attachment_253" align="alignright" width="192" caption="He's tweeting out of frame"][/caption]

"To paraphrase his brother Jack," Obama said, "Ask not what Facebook can do for you; ask what you can do for Facebook.  You say the quizzes are boring?  What are you doing to make them better?"

Kennedy believed that all Americans had an inherent right to share the minutiae of their lives with the world.  He pointed to programs in other countries that provided Facebook accounts and internet access to all their citizens, something lacking in the United States.

Look at me! - Part Two

I had an brief but interesting discussion with a much more accomplished writer about this article .  I am not going to use his name, in case I misrepresent his position (it's hard to have a reasonable discussion in 140 character bursts.)  He said that he agreed with the data, but disagreed with the conclusion, saying, "Ultimately, my take is that people love to talk about themselves and showcase expertise. Soc.media enables that."

Perhaps because I have narcissistic tendencies, I agree with the article's conclusions that there is a strong attraction for people to use Twitter and Facebook as a tool for validation.  In fact, in my post "Look at Me!" I used the same phrase as the author does - "The Age of Entitlement."  I believe that social networking tools provide a benefit.  I'm very happy that I have been able to re-connect with friends with whom I've lost contact over time, although I have to say that I could do with less updates about their kids, but maybe that's just me.  I find Twitter to be very useful, as I always have been more adept at coming up with funny headlines or one-liners, while writing a full story can be arduous.  I find Twitter's 140 character limit freeing.